Emotional Attraction: What It Is, Signs, & Tips

What Is Emotional Attraction?

Emotional attraction occurs when someone finds appeal in another’s mind, personality, heart, or spirit. This type of attraction can be platonic or romantic, but it inspires strong feelings. Through emotional attraction, there’s a sense of truly respecting the other person and wanting to know them deeply. Some people believe emotional attraction is the foundation where love is created.

Emotional attraction can form quickly, even occurring when you first talk to someone. However, it can also build slowly over time. Emotional attraction is one of many attraction types, and it can stand on its own or coexist with other attachments.

Emotional Attraction Vs. Mental Attraction

Emotional attraction is a fondness for someone’s internal characteristics. This often triggers the desire to get to know the other person more (or spend more time with them). Mental attraction refers to having a sense of safety with another person. The two often go hand-in-hand, with emotional attraction developing before someone experiences mental attraction.

Emotional Attraction Vs. Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction refers to having the desire to be sexual with another person. The sexual type of attraction can occur in conjunction with a combination of physical, emotional, or mental attraction. Many people find they are sexually attracted to more people than they are emotionally attracted to. The discrepancy between sexual and emotional attraction is because sexual attraction can occur in a fleeting moment, whereas emotional attraction often entails a deeper level of connection.

Does Emotional Attraction Lead to Romance?

Emotional attraction can certainly lead to romantic attraction. However, it can also lead to other satisfying relationships, such as deep friendships, mentorships, or work partnerships. It’s possible to be drawn to someone’s personality without being romantically interested in them. The different attractions and connections a person experiences speak to the importance of having different connective relationships in your life.

When emotional attraction leads to romance, it’s often due to both partners feeling a shared connection. Emotional attraction makes it easier to flirt or spend time with one another. Over time, this can easily segue into building a more meaningful relationship.

How to Tell if You’re Emotionally Attracted to Someone

Sometimes emotional attraction feels incredibly obvious, like when you enjoy spending time with someone or miss them just as soon as they leave. Other times, it can feel more subtle or even confusing. It can also be challenging to discern emotional attraction from other types, such as physical or sexual attraction.

Ask yourself the following questions to determine if you’re experiencing emotional attraction:

• Do you genuinely care about the person you feel attracted to?
• Do you have this sense that you’ve known them for a long time (even if you just met)?
• Do you feel safe being yourself around this person?
• Do you accept this person for who they are (even after acknowledging their flaws)?
• Does this person inspire you to be a better person or think about the world differently?
• Do you continue to feel good/happy/excited when you’re in their presence?

Signs of Emotional Attraction

Everyone feels attraction differently, and the level of attraction can vary based on your age, romantic orientation, current relationships, and the dynamic you share with this other person. There are also no right or wrong ways to feel, and you may not always fully understand why you feel the way you do about someone else.

Below are signs that you may be experiencing emotional attraction:

Feeling Like They Understand You

Feeling understood represents the underlying theme of emotional attraction. There’s this sense that the other person gets you, even if you haven’t shared much with them. This effect of “being seen” can feel incredibly validating, especially if you’ve had a history of feeling insecure or misunderstood around others. This experience can spark a deeper connection.

Thinking About Them Often

Emotional attraction, especially when it’s new, can result in fantasizing, daydreaming, or simply reflecting on the time you’ve spent together. At times, these thoughts may even feel obsessive. Research confirms that attraction stimulates the brain pathways associated with pleasure and reward. That’s why falling in love can feel so consuming–the brain releases heightened levels of dopamine and norepinephrine.¹

Enjoy Spending Time Together

When you feel emotionally attracted to someone, you want to be in their presence. You also feel better about yourself with them because the connection biologically feels good, sometimes known as the oxytocin effect.² No matter what you’re doing, you two genuinely have a good time together, and there’s a sense of ease and comfort within your relationship.

Shared Values

Shared values can maintain a sense of safety within a relationship. Because you two prioritize similar things, solving problems and resolving conflict is easier. It’s also simpler to keep the big picture in mind. As you two work toward common goals, you can provide support and hold each other accountable throughout your individual processes.

Desire to Share Experiences With Them

When you feel emotionally attracted to someone, you want to share parts of your life with them. This can include sharing meals, bringing them around your family, going on trips, and moving in together. Additionally, when something positive happens in your life, they’re often the first person you want to tell!

Feeling Safe Talking About Harder Topics

Vulnerability is a core part of any relationship, as it can maintain and even strengthen emotional attraction. Truly expressing yourself to another person is difficult. When that person validates your story and ensures a sense of safety, it can feel profoundly restorative. The beneficial effects of vulnerability can be even more pronounced if you have a past history of trauma or betrayal.

Feeling Like They’re Irreplaceable

Emotional attraction can make it seem like the other person is truly one-of-a-kind. You can’t imagine your life without them. They make everything feel better, and you are deeply grateful for what they bring to your world. Sometimes, this feeling can be so intense that even fuels anxiety about how you might cope if they weren’t around.

The Importance of Emotional Attraction

Humans are social creatures, and we rely on others for support. Higher levels of emotional attraction make life feel meaningful, deepening your relationships with others. When it’s mutual, it can also make you feel special, which is important for self-esteem. Many people find that when emotional attraction is strong, their relationship can withstand adversity, even if other forms of attraction have faded.³

How to Build Emotional Attraction

Emotional attraction often forms independently and doesn’t require you to do anything. However, maintaining emotional attraction and deepening your connection may entail effort and commitment. If you want to cultivate higher levels of attraction, it’s important to remember that all relationships–even ones that sometimes come across as effortless–require work.

The following tips can help you build emotional attraction:

Focus on the Present

When you’re with the other person, try to be in the current moment with them. Focusing on the present moment can be challenging since most of us reflect on the past and future often. But the more you can try to ground yourself into the here and now, the more opportunity you have for being attuned to one another and fostering a deeper connection.

Make Eye Contact

This nonverbal cue may seem small, but the effects can be profound. Eye contact conveys that you’re giving the other person your full attention. When you look at someone when you speak, you convey that you care about what they say. Just be mindful of staring too intensely–you don’t want to make someone uncomfortable!

Ask Questions

Ask genuine questions, and try to dig below the surface level. Get to know the other person’s likes and dislikes. What makes their life worth living? Who do they turn to when they need support? What makes them most afraid? How do they feel about certain political issues? These types of deep discussions can strengthen closeness and reaffirm your attraction.

Validate Their Emotions

As much as possible, aim to be empathic to the other person’s feelings and needs. This is especially important if you suspect they have their guard up. They might feel uncomfortable with such vulnerability. It’s your job to try to model safety. You’re not there to judge- you’re there to understand and convey love.

Laugh Together

Research shows that shared laughter communicates a sense of connectedness, which can reinforce close relationships.⁴ Make it a point to seek humor with your friend or partner. Aim to lighten the mood and find the funny parts in life. The more you lose yourself in laughter, the more enjoyable the relationship may feel.

Do Novel Activities Together

Trying something for the first time feels exciting, and it can also strengthen your connection. By needing to work together to problem-solve, you can reinforce your bond. In addition, you’re more likely to be fully present and engaged when the activity is new. Finally, you two are left with happy memories to reflect on later.

Reflect On Your Gratitude Often

Attraction can be quickly reignited when you consider why you appreciate the other person. What makes them special? How do they understand you in ways other people don’t? Why is your life better because they’re in it? Take it another step further and make it a point to express this gratitude as much as possible. It will benefit you both!

How Therapy Can Help Build Emotional Attraction

Some people benefit from therapy if they feel concerned about their emotional attraction or lack thereof. Therapy can be especially helpful if you’ve had a history of relationship trauma or identify with having an insecure attachment style. These issues can complicate attraction and may make it difficult for you to feel safe with others.⁵

Seeking in-person or online therapy can help you pinpoint what you truly value in a relationship. If you have lost emotional attraction toward your partner, you might consider pursuing couples or marital therapy. This type of therapy can help you both restore your connection and reaffirm your commitment to one another.

In My Experience

Emotional attraction is the foundation where love is built. But that doesn’t mean attraction always makes sense. In my experience, clients with trauma histories often fear attraction or struggle to contextualize its role in their daily lives. They might find themselves unknowingly sabotaging their own happiness (often due to having low self-esteem). Regardless of your circumstances, you deserve love and connection. If it’s hard for you to feel safe and supported by others, it may be time to seek professional guidance.