Emotional Blackmail: Examples, How it Works & How to Handle It

What Is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a form of emotional abuse in which an individual threatens to punish the target or hurt themselves when the target does not do what they want them to do. It is not limited to romantic partners; emotional blackmailers can be parents, friends, or coworkers too.

Dr. Susan Forward coined the term emotional blackmail in her 1997 book “Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.”¹ Her work explores the nature of manipulative relationships and emotional blackmail and provides insights into recognizing and combating such toxic dynamics.

Who Is Likely to Use Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmailers tend to be highly anxious and fear being abandoned or feel that they are not lovable and that they lack value and worth. They then resort to using emotional blackmail because they think it is required for them to receive love. In particular, survivors of trauma often experience fear and anxiety and are prone to engage in emotional blackmail.

Common characteristics of an emotional blackmailer may include:

• Narcissistic tendencies
• Self-centeredness
• Have a fear of abandonment
• Have a trauma history
• Have a personality disorder, such as Borderline Personality Disorder
• Have a relationship with low self-esteem
• Have a relationship with anxiety
• Were repeatedly blamed and shamed as a child

How Emotional Blackmail Works

Emotional blackmailers pray on their target using fear, obligation, and guilt. The manipulator initially makes a demand, followed by a threat to induce fear or guilt if the demand is unmet. This is done through calculated action, such as threatening harm or making promises that the emotional blackmailer has no plans to keep. The target then feels obligated to comply to avoid negative emotional consequences.

According to Dr. Forward, the six stages of emotional blackmail are:

1. Demand: The emotional blackmailer makes a demand on their target. This could be outright or subtle. They are trying to get their target to do something that they may not want to do through emotional manipulation.
2. Resistance: Once the demand has been made, it’s normal to resist demands that feel unreasonable. The emotional blackmailer does not like demands to be resisted.
3. Pressure: Once resistance is present, the emotional blackmailer will apply pressure in order to get the demand met. This becomes very uncomfortable.
4. Threats: If applying more pressure doesn’t do the trick, then threats will follow, either to release a secret or to harm you or themselves. Sometimes, the emotional blackmailer will make the target feel that the emotional blackmailer will be hurt or punished by someone else if the target doesn’t comply.
5. Compliance: Finally, the target gives in due to the pressure and threats. They often give in due to their own relationships with anxiety, low self-esteem, or fear.
6. Repetition: A new situation comes about, and the emotional blackmailer starts with demand, and the cycle plays itself out again.

4 Types of Emotional Blackmail

According to Dr. Foward, there are four types of emotional blackmail: self-punishers, punishers, tantalizers, and victims. Each type is designed to manipulate and control the target in order to get what the emotional blackmailer wants from them. Some forms are designed to elicit fear, while others are designed to feed on hope by promising that the target’s desires will come true.

The four types of emotional blackmailers include:

1. Self-Punishers

The self-punisher will tell their target how their resistance will hurt them. This is intended to make the target feel guilty and fearful of causing them pain. They pull at the target’s heartstrings in order to get what they want.

Some examples of self-punishers emotional blackmail are:

• “If you don’t let me stay with you, I’m going to be homeless tomorrow.”
• “If you break up with me, I will kill myself.”
• “If you don’t do this assignment for me, I will be fired.”
• “If you don’t do what I ask, your father is going to take it out on me.”

2. Punishers

Punishers are insistent on getting their own way. They will threaten harm if their demand is not met. Punishers can be very intimidating and prey on the target’s fear of loss or abandonment. There is no subtleness to their approach; the target had better do what the emotional blackmailer says, or they will pay the price.

Some examples of punishers emotional blackmail are:

• Giving you the silent treatment when they don’t get what they want from you.
• Using elements found in the power and control wheel.³ For example, keeping you from seeing your friends or keeping total control of all resources.
• Threatening to put a parent in a home if they don’t do what they say.
• Threatening to demote or fire you if you don’t do what they are asking, even if it violates company policy.

3. Victims or Sufferers

Victims or sufferers use subtle manipulation. They don’t directly state what they want. They try to make the target feel guilty or to feel bad for them to get what they want. They prey on the other person’s sense of kindness and a need to be valued through the process of helping others.

Some examples of sufferers emotional blackmail are:

• “I’m so depressed, I can barely get out of bed. Everything is going wrong. If only I had a place to live for free for a while, I’m sure I’d feel better.”
• “I’m so depressed. Maybe I’ll feel better if I get that Valentino purse I’ve always wanted as a gift.”
• “I’m so overworked. I’m falling behind. I’m going to get fired. If only I had someone to help me with this project.”
• “Mom, I have nothing to wear. How am I going to get a job with only rags to wear?

4. Tantalizers

Tantalizers are the most subtle form of emotional blackmail. They make big promises, but with the promise comes conditions. There is always an excuse or another condition that the target needs to meet before they can follow through on their commitments.

Some examples of tantalizers emotional blackmail are:

• “Just believe in me. I know people that will be able to rocket launch your career. I just need you to give me a little more money. I will make you a star!”
• “I’m so close to closing this deal. Once that happens, not only will we get married, but I’ll buy you your dream house.”
• “I’m really close to getting a big settlement. As soon as I do, I will be able to move out and get a place of my own. I just can’t afford to pay your rent right now Mom. But as soon as I get my check, I’ll pay you back every cent.”

The Impact of Emotional Blackmail

The effects of maintaining a relationship with an emotional blackmailer are detrimental to a person’s mental health. The victim often feels scared, shamed, blamed, and threatened. The more times a person submits to the emotional blackmailer’s demands, the more likely the emotional blackmailer will be to use manipulation tactics again, and the relationship depression and hopelessness will develop or grow stronger.

How to Recognize Emotional Blackmail

To recognize emotional blackmail, look for patterns of manipulative behavior such as threats, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim. Pay attention to feelings of fear, obligation, or guilt after interactions with the person in question. A sudden shift in emotional tone and repeated promises or threats that never happen can also be red flags signaling emotional blackmail.

Remember to forgive yourself for not initially seeing the emotional blackmail—it can be subtle and often goes unnoticed, particularly by those with no prior experience or inclination to manipulate others. Instead, take pride in your newfound awareness and the proactive measures you’re taking to no longer be a victim.

How to Handle Emotional Blackmail

Once a victim has identified that they are in a relationship with an emotional blackmailer, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries. The first step is admitting one’s role in this unhealthy dynamic and deciding not to play along anymore. This helps to create realistic expectations and set boundaries to make sure those expectations are met.

An empowering mantra to try is “I’m no longer willing to be [insert name]’s victim.” This will strengthen the target to make different choices in the future.

Here are some effective ways to handle emotional blackmail:

Set Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is essential to change the relationship dynamic with an emotional blackmailer. It allows the emotional blackmailer to know the expectations one has for them, and if those needs are not met, they will be blocked out. Often, when one sets a boundary, another may test it. It is very important not to back down; otherwise, you are communicating that you are powerless to enforce the boundary, which will only lead to further boundary crossings and violations.

Seek Therapy & Support

Seeking therapy and support can equip individuals with the tools to navigate the complexities of emotional blackmail. A therapist can provide coping mechanisms, boundary-setting techniques, and insights that can be used to create positive changes. In addition, attending a support group puts one in contact with others who are having similar experiences and, thereby, feel less alone.

Effective Communication

Effective communication is an essential tool in maintaining healthy relationships. Because individuals who use emotional blackmail often have fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem, it is essential to make them feel safe. Thus, sharing the intent at the beginning of a conversation you are starting with them is essential, not putting them on the defensive.

In addition to sharing intent, it is important that you stay focused on reaching the goal of the conversation. In this way, you create a collaborative approach and can brainstorm regarding how negative behaviors can be decreased and ways that both of you can help each other shift the relationship to a healthier place.

Prioritize Self-Care

A lot has been written about the importance of self-care and maintaining personal well-being in the face of manipulation. The emotional blackmailer is not focused on their victim’s needs but on their own. By engaging in self-care, one changes primary focus from meeting the needs of the emotional blackmailer to meeting one’s own needs. Practicing self-care starts to build esteem, which is empowering.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you are experiencing consistent emotional manipulation or emotional abuse and or physical abuse, seeking out professional help is very important. Support groups, shelters, and crisis hotlines, such as The National Domestic Violence, are reliable sources of support. Helpguide.org is also a valuable resource. You can also search for local programs that will offer you assistance.

In addition, there are online therapy options, and you can use an online therapist directory to find an in-person or online therapist who can help. These resources will allow you to connect to experts in the field who are there to help.

In My Experience

Through decades of experience helping people to become empowered by changing the dynamics of their own relationships with their own problems, it is clear that three problematic relationships cause a tremendous amount of suffering. These are relationships with low self-esteem, anxiety, and fear. People who engage in emotional blackmail and those who allow themselves to be emotionally blackmailed all have relationships with one or more of these negative mental forces.

When we take responsibility for maintaining these problematic relationships, we move out of a victim stance and into a position of power; power to change how we view ourselves and the world around us. When we understand that people will only treat us in the ways we allow them to, we can set new standards.²

One of the sayings that I’ve created and live by is that “There is no great without hard. If you want to be great, the universe will provide the hard.” Changing is hard. Facing fear is hard. Owning our own “stuff” is hard. Trying to do this alone is super hard. Don’t fear the hard. Instead, face fear and walk toward fear with as many allies as possible. Greatness awaits on the other side.