Relationship Depression: Why it Occurs & Understanding the Connection

How Can a Relationship Impact Depression?

When a person is not happy in their relationship due to miscommunication or their needs not being met, it may cause them to feel depressed. If someone feels that their partner doesn’t care about them, they might become withdrawn and feel isolated. These feelings worsen if partners do not communicate and this results in a toxic relationship.

Here are a few situations where a relationship may worsen depression:

Infidelity

When a partner discovers that the other partner has been unfaithful, it triggers a sense of feeling inadequate, and mistrust is formed. A partner may longer feel safe and secure in the relationship, and self-esteem is often impacted. This shattered sense of self-esteem due to infidelity may heighten a person’s depressive thoughts and symptoms. Underlying depression combined with emotional trauma causes challenges in navigating emotions.

Codependency

Codependency in a relationship may increase depression as boundaries become blurred and make it difficult for each person to be themselves and self-differentiate. Individuals might prioritize the happiness of their partner over themselves and lose happiness in their own life. Also, codependency can cause a loss of identity, which can make it difficult to remember what brings them joy.

Unrealistic Expectations of Relationship

The expectations of a relationship should be something that is discussed between partners. When expectations are set that are unrealistic, it can cause moments of resentment and frustration between the partners. It is important that partners discuss what they want the relationship to look like and what they need in order to feel fulfilled. Expectations should be based on each individual’s needs.¹

Financial Barriers

Financial barriers will impact a relationship when a partner is depressed. Financial stress due to job loss or reduced income overall will cause stress in a relationship. A person who is depressed might feel guilt over financial burdens and feel inadequate. Financial infidelity, where one partner is lying to the other about finances, can also cause depression.

Neglect of Individual Needs

When an individual’s needs in a relationship are not tended to, the person may have decreased self-esteem because they feel as though they are not worthy of having their needs met. This becomes emotionally exhausting and can cause depressive symptoms. It is also common for the person to have decreased coping skills to understand how to have needs met.

Long Distance

Couples who are long-distance might experience depression in one or both partners. Not having a significant other close to you during important parts of life can be a challenge. It may be difficult to feel emotionally close to someone when you are physically apart. Depression might increase for either or both parties when wanting to be physically close to a partner and share some of life’s moments.²

Abuse

Abuse in a relationship may come in the form of either physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Continued threat of harm puts a person in danger and fear within the dynamics. It may cause a person’s depression to worsen if they start to believe they are not worthy of living in a healthy relationship.

Conflicting Goals

Shared values often make the foundation of a relationship. However, if you and your spouse continue to disagree about current or future goals, this can drive depression. That’s because conflicting goals often perpetuate ongoing tension, which can be stressful and discouraging. Likewise, if you often find yourself compromising on your values, you may be growing resentful or even feeling trapped.

Past Trauma

Trauma can seep its way into relationships, even when the trauma occurred many years ago. Trauma may make it challenging for you to trust your partner, especially if you’ve been betrayed. You might struggle to be vulnerable or communicate your needs effectively after betrayal trauma. Similarly, past trauma can coincide with attachment problems, causing you to become either overly anxious or overly avoidant in your relationships. All of these factors can drive relationship depression.

Can a Relationship Trigger Depression?

An unhealthy relationship can trigger depression in someone who did not struggle with depression previously. Chronic stress and emotional turmoil can cause a person to feel hopeless and struggle with their overall well-being, leading to a sense of helplessness and depressive symptoms over time.

How Can Depression Impact a Relationship?

Depression can impact a relationship by decreasing emotional and physical connection and, in turn, decreasing positive communication. When this happens, there are often misunderstandings within the relationship that further impact negative feelings towards one another. As this arises, partners might begin to retreat from one another and feel alone in the relationship.

When either partner is depressed, the other partner will feel this emotion, and it will impact the relationship overall. It is very important for both parties to seek understanding from one another and offer support when either person notices that there are missed connections between the two. The first sign of depression in a partner should be an indicator to check in on the relationship as well as to see what is needed for support.¹

Here are a few ways that depression can impact a relationship:

Decreased Communication

Depression can lead to a lack of communication within a relationship. A person who is depressed may feel overwhelmed with their own thoughts and feelings of increased negativity. This might be difficult for a partner to express, and they may feel they need to hide emotions and, in turn, communicate less with their partner.

Isolation

In relationships, a partner who is depressed might feel emotionally distant from their loved one and, with communicating less, might begin to isolate. It may be difficult for the person to open up about how they are feeling, so they begin to spend time alone so that they don’t feel like a burden to others. They tend to bottle up their emotions and struggle to share their feelings with others.

Dependency on Partner

Depression in a partner might make someone feel intense amounts of vulnerability with the need for connection to their partner for help and support. When their partner is the only one who can make them feel safe and secure, they may over-rely on them and cause their partner to develop relationship burnout.

Neglect of Responsibilities

A partner with depression may start to neglect their responsibilities and not recognize the impact it will have on their partner.⁴ They might stop doing chores around the house or stop checking in with their partner. There may even be financial consequences if someone has a hard time with work because of their depression.

Loss of Intimacy

As a partner starts to isolate, they will no longer share physical or emotional intimacy. Depression often impacts a person’s sex drive, so the partner might not initiate intimate moments. Through the loss of this intimacy, a sense of connection with a partner is also lost.

Emotional Withdrawal

When a partner is depressed, they may withdraw and not open up about their feelings to their partner. The withdrawal will manifest as a lack of affection or reduced engagement with a partner and have loss of connection and meaningful conversations. This emotional withdrawal can leave both partners feeling unloved and unwanted.

Signs of Relationship Depression

While some symptoms of relationship depression overlap with general depression, relationship depression specifically centers on the strain and emotional toll it takes on the relationship, with both partners experiencing a reciprocal decline in mental health that can reinforce each other’s depressive symptoms.

Here are common signs of relationship depression:^5,6

• You’re no longer doing activities you both used to enjoy: This is a common symptom of apathy. If you no longer feel motivated to engage in your usual activities, it could indicate relationship depression.
• Having suicidal thoughts: Severe relationship depression may cause you to question the point of life, which can coincide with suicidal thoughts.
• Your health is declining: Sometimes relationship depression causes people to neglect their physical health. It can also magnify current health symptoms.
• You’re using escapism to cope: Relationship depression may coexist with escape behaviors like overusing substances, pornography, shopping, or binge eating.
• You have anxiety about your partner: Relationship depression can also take the form of anxiety, in the sense that you might panic about your partner leaving you.
• You and your partner have more frequent arguments and misunderstandings: Irritability is a common depression symptom, and irritability can lead to more tension within the relationship.
• Your self-esteem is lower since starting the relationship: In a healthy relationship, both partners tend to bring out the best in one another. But if you feel worse about yourself, it could be a sign of depression.
• You feel like your partner is trying to change you: Relationship depression can result from feeling controlled by your partner. If you sense that you’re not accepted for who you are, this can erode your emotional well-being.

How to Cope With Relationship Depression

If a partner in a relationship is causing strain because of their depression, or if a relationship is becoming depressed because of a lack of connection, it’s important to address it. This can prevent further relationship conflict from occurring. Both parties should prioritize self-care, build rapport again with one another, and gently call out behaviors and patterns that they see.

Here are six ways to cope with relationship depression:

1. Speak to a Mental Health Professional

Seeking mental health support is essential when navigating depression. Couples therapy and individual therapy can provide safe support to address the underlying emotions that each person is feeling. Seeking both individual and couples therapy can be beneficial to the relationship for growth as a couple.

A person can search for a therapist through an online therapist directory to find a therapist who specializes in depression treatment for individuals or couples. Individual and couples counseling is also available online via platforms like Relationship Hero.

Someone should consider seeing a psychiatrist after speaking with a therapist if they think that medication for their depression might be beneficial. An online psychiatrist is a good choice for finding depression medication management.

2. Practice Self-Care

Taking time to prioritize self-care activities for each person is important. Exercise can help decrease depression, and a daily depression-oriented meditation practice is helpful as well. Also, don’t underestimate the positive impact of a healthy meal and a good night’s sleep when determining appropriate coping skills for depression. When a person feels that their overall emotional needs are met, they are able to better cope with relationship-related stressors from a stable standpoint. Self-care also allows a person to have their individual needs met outside of the relationship.

3. Develop a Support Network

Finding friends and family as an outlet for emotional needs is crucial when struggling with relationship depression. This outlet can lessen the burden of hardships in a relationship by having a sounding board when you need to talk through struggles in the relationship. An outside perspective from the support system can help a person feel less isolated and that there is care for them.

4. Set Boundaries

Having clear and healthy boundaries within a relationship helps to prevent emotional overwhelm for each individual and thereby reduces relationship depression. It is important that a person communicates their needs and limits to their partner so that each person in the relationship understands the other. One partner may need a lot of alone time while the other may have boundaries around taking care of household responsibilities.

5. Open Communication

When a partner shares thoughts, concerns, and emotions with their partner, it can foster a relationship of understanding and empathy. It is important to have open and honest conversations, which can combat isolation stemming from relationship depression. It is important that partners speak honestly about their feelings so that no emotions are hidden.

6. Focus on Individual Growth

Taking time to focus on personal interests, goals, and hobbies allows each person in the relationship to boost their individual self-esteem levels. Having one’s own interests allows someone to recognize that they are a whole person outside of the relationship, which can give them a sense of belonging and confidence.

When to Seek Professional Help for Relationship Depression

It is important to seek professional support when there are signs of depression in either party that are negatively impacting the relationship. If one partner feels the relationship has changed and their partner is resistant to seeking help, it is helpful to find an individual therapist with whom they can explore their feelings.

Here are some treatment options for depression that are worth exploring:

• Couples Counseling: Couples therapy works with both partners to engage both parties in understanding the issues at hand and working through frustrations together to see how both partners play a role in the issues at hand and uncover coping skills to work on together.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for depression involves understanding how a person’s thoughts become their actions and how changing their relationship to their thoughts can help them overcome some of their depressive symptoms.
• Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy is a form of talk therapy that uncovers the unconscious mind and can help depression by uncovering deeper feelings and emotions.
• Art or music therapy: Art therapy and music therapy are therapeutic outlets that allow a person a creative way to explore their symptoms and uncover feelings that might be lying below the surface.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): DBT for depression is a form of therapy combined with mindfulness. Someone works toward developing positive coping skills for accepting their depression and working toward wholeness.
• Interpersonal therapy: Interpersonal therapy is a therapeutic process that allows a person to look at their communication and relationships with others, and how these factors may be influencing their depression.

How Partners Can Help

Partners can play a valuable role in supporting a spouse experiencing depression. The most important thing is to be curious and compassionate. Do not assume that you know how your spouse feels. With that, consider the part you may be playing in the dynamic. For example, how can you focus on improving what you bring to the relationship?

Here are some ways you can help a partner with depression:

• Learning about depression: It’s important to learn about mental health issues and educate yourself about depression. This can help you better understand triggers and emotional patterns.
• Going to couples counseling: A couples therapist can help you and your partner strengthen communication and intimacy. This can be paramount in improving your overall relationship satisfaction.
• Providing a safe space: Both partners should aim to be supportive and validating of one another. This is important for ensuring a safe and trusting relationship.
• Offering practical support: If your partner struggles with depression, ask how you can help. Even small acts of service may make a big difference.
• Setting boundaries and expectations: If your spouse is depressed, you should certainly be supportive, but you’re also allowed to have realistic expectations. Nobody should be able to weaponize their mental health to mistreat you.

When to End the Relationship

Choosing to end a relationship is rarely an easy task, but sometimes relationship depression is so pervasive and severe that it’s best to take a break or end things altogether. Lack of compatibility can be a real issue, as can chronic resentment or deeply-rooted anger or unhappiness. Furthermore, if the relationship consistently feels one-sided (you’re the one putting in most of the effort or compassion), it may indicate an unhealthy dynamic.