Family relationships aren’t always a walk in the park, but some relationships are more complex than others. Gaslighting by a family member is a confusing form of emotional abuse where one person uses manipulation to gain control over another by distorting their own sense of reality. Fortunately, there are ways to recognize gaslighting in your family and take valuable steps towards healing.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is the use of extended psychological manipulation on a person by another, that results in one questioning their perception of events, memories, and feelings. This can lead to a decrease in self-esteem, impacted mental and emotional health, and a dependency on the manipulator.2 Gaslighting typically occurs in romantic relationships, but it can also take place in friendships and families. It is frequently a technique used by toxic or abusive parents to exert power or control over familial relationships.
What Do Gaslighting Family Members Look Like?
In families, gaslighters cause other members to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or recollections of events. They may also be narcissistic, as those with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) use this abuse tactic a lot. The fact that gaslighting is occurring within your family may take some time to realize, as many typically expect to be treated honestly and fairly by loved ones. The manipulations often start small, but slowly erode one’s sense of reality and convince them to accept their manipulator’s reality as fact. The gaslighter’s ultimate goal is to control, and they will often manipulate situations to do so.1
Examples of a gaslighting family member include:
- Statements like, “I never said that”, used to destabilize you and question previous events.
- They use your personal weaknesses to prey on you, and lead you to believe that others see you in a negative light by saying things like, “everyone thinks you’re…”.
- They respond with, “you’re being dramatic” when you express your feelings. This may convince you that their abuse never happened or you’re overreacting to it
- They subtly blame you for their bad behavior by making statements like: “I only did that because I want to spend time with you, get attention from you, show you how much I love you, etc.” Again, this ‘excuses’ their negative behavior, leading you to question their actual intentions
How to Deal With Gaslighting Family Members
Dealing with a gaslighting family member is not an easy task. Because many gaslighters are also narcissistic, it may be valuable to first learn some tips on how to deal with narcissistic parents and other loved ones. The priority with any relationship should be protecting your own mental health, first. This can be achieved by setting realistic expectations of the relationship, having limited interactions, and practicing self-care before, during, and after these interactions.
The following are eight tips for dealing with gaslighting family members:
1. Trust Your Version of Events
A gaslighter is going to try to make you question your version of reality. It may take some time to do so, but learn to trust in yourself. Pay attention to your inner voice, and tune into and trust what you’re feeling.1
2. Don’t Confront Them
Confronting a gaslighter and calling them out on their lies may seem like a great idea. Unfortunately, it often results in more lies and confusion. When confronted, a gaslighter will maintain their story and play the victim, which leads to further anger and frustration on your end.
3. Document Their Behavior
Keep a record of the gaslighter’s behavior, either by saving correspondence or keeping notes from phone calls or interactions. This lets you document the reality of the situation, and also process it. Maintaining a personal journal to stay grounded in your own reality may be helpful, too.
4. Educate Yourself
Knowledge is power, and when you know what gaslighting is, you’re less likely to be manipulated by it. There are many books written on the topic and countless articles online. Become an expert and know what you’re up against.
5. Talk to a Professional
Gaslighting is a form of covert emotional abuse. Emotional abuse doesn’t show any obvious physical signs like bruising, but it can have an impact on all facets of your life. It may be helpful to talk to a professional about your experiences, and access their support in establishing strategies for future interactions with the gaslighter.
6. Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries allows a person to express how they expect to be treated and communicated with in a relationship. You have the right to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship; if a person is intentionally violating your boundaries and safety, it may be helpful to talk with a professional to explore issues surrounding your own self-worth and identity.
7. Spend Time With People Who Are Loving and Supportive
While you can’t choose your family, you can create and surround yourself with a supportive network of people who accept you unconditionally. This ‘chosen family’ will be able to offer validation, love, and support. They can also provide a much needed reality check.
When to Seek Professional Help
Gaslighting in families can happen quite frequently, but the good news is, you don’t have to cope with it alone. With the help of a therapist, you can learn skills to set boundaries with the gaslighter, and manage your own feelings and expectations.
When it comes to gaslighting family members, family or group therapy may be beneficial. In family therapy, the entire family attends sessions in which the family dynamics and conflicts are addressed. Group therapy includes people who have experienced similar experiences (gaslighting, for example), and offers support in numbers. In most cases, it is also a more affordable therapy option.
If you have been dealing with a gaslighting family member, it may be beneficial to make your mental health a priority and seek out individual therapy for support. A clinically trained therapist will help you process feelings and learn new ways to manage them. They can also help you practice setting boundaries and, most importantly, trust your own instincts. There are many ways to find a therapist, including our online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
Coping with gaslighting family members is never easy, but there are ways to cope. Start by learning to trust yourself and your version of reality, surround yourself with a positive support system, and establish strong boundaries to protect yourself. These skills will not only empower you in your family relationship, but also help you cope with other difficult interpersonal interactions in your life.
For Further Reading
Family Gaslighting Infographics
