Toxic parents can be abusive, unsupportive, controlling, and harsh. Growing up with toxic parents can affect your physical and mental health, putting you at risk for substance use, low self-esteem, and relationship difficulties. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and getting support from family, friends, or a therapist are ways to cope with a toxic childhood.
What Is a Toxic Parent?
Toxic relationships can affect romantic partners, friends, siblings, and even parents and their children. Toxic parent/child relationships develop when children experience significant stress at the hands of their parents, or when parents fail to protect their children from a stressful environment.1
These relationships may involve physical, emotional, or sexual abuse and parental substance use and mental health issues. Toxic parent/child relationships often begin in childhood and continue into adulthood. These relationships can have negative effects on children and impact their mental and physical health.2
12 Signs of a Toxic Parent
Anyone can be a toxic parent, including mothers, fathers, step-, adopted, and foster parents. Toxic parents may fail to provide one of the components of a healthy parent-child relationship, including love, warmth, nurturance, understanding, protection, appropriate modeling, teaching opportunities, and clear, firm boundaries and limits.3
Here are twelve signs of a toxic parent:
1. They’re Violent
Toxic parents may be physically abusive. They may resort to violent acts like hitting, kicking, or choking their children when angry. In turn, children often develop fear, anxiety, and anger about this treatment. Some parents believe that violence can be a way to “teach” children; however, this is false. Violence has severe emotional and physical consequences on children and negatively affects any relationship.
2. They’re Verbally & Emotionally Abusive
Abuse includes more than physical violence. Toxic parents may also be verbally and emotionally abusive. This could involve them belittling their children’s self-esteem by calling them names, humiliating them in public, and using emotional manipulation and gaslighting tactics to get what they want. Though there’s no physical evidence of this type of abuse, it can be just as harmful.
3. They’re Sexually Inappropriate
A serious and extremely harmful sign of a toxic parent is sexually inappropriateness with the child. This could involve sexual acts, molestation, or exposing their children to inappropriate sexual content, all of which are considered sexual abuse. These behaviors are extremely damaging and if discovered, parents could face legal consequences.
4. They Put Their Needs Before Their Children’s
Toxic parents often prioritize their own needs, desires, and wants before those of their children. They may take care of their basic necessities first and address their children’s last. This is a sign of narcissism among parents and is particularly harmful for infants and young children who are not capable of caring for themselves.
5. They’re Controlling
Controlling parents become overly involved in their children’s lives to the point that it limits the child’s freedom, independence, and individuality. Signs of a controlling parent include interfering and expecting children to fit the parent’s image of what they “should” be, rather than giving them the freedom to develop their own interests and goals.
6. They Expect Complete Obedience
Toxic parents may expect their children to be obedient at all times. Though teaching children to respect authority is a necessary part of parenting, it’s normal for children to question and push back on their parent’s authority. Healthy parents handle this by staying firm yet loving; toxic parents overreact when their authority is challenged and may resort to aggression.
7. They Use Harsh Forms of Punishment
Discipline is a healthy parenting tool when used correctly; however, toxic parents often resort to harsh forms of punishment that are more dangerous and severe than warranted. For example, a toxic parent may hit a child for not completing their chores. Harsh punishment might also be verbal and emotional (e.g., a parent who belittles a child who comes home with a bad grade).
8. They Expect You to Admire Them
The need for excessive admiration is another sign of a narcissistic parent. These parents expect their children to praise and admire them and may become angry, resentful, and manipulative with attention-seeking behaviors if they fail to do so. These parents usually do not give their children the same admiration and praise in return.
9. They’re Jealous of Your Other Relationships
Your toxic parents may feel jealous when you develop close relationships with other people. They could perceive these other close relationships as threats. In some cases, they may resort to unhealthy tactics like manipulation to feel closer to you. In extreme cases, they could even try to end your relationships so they no longer feel threatened.
10. They’re Unsupportive
Toxic parents tend to be unsupportive of their children’s choices, interests, and accomplishments. There may be many different reasons for this, including jealousy or a need to control. Regardless, this can be hurtful for children who desire their parent’s approval.
11. They Cross Boundaries
Toxic parents overstep boundaries. They may call excessively, drop by unannounced, or befriend other people in their child’s life to get closer to them. Either way, these instances of boundary crossings are hurtful and threaten the children’s ability to have a healthy relationship with their parents.
12. They Take Their Emotions Out on Their Children
Toxic parents may use their children as an outlet for their emotions. For example, they may take their anger toward their spouse out on their children. This can be painful and confusing for children and fails to teach them healthy ways of managing their emotions
Effects of Toxic Parents
Toxic parents can have negative effects on children throughout their lifespan, including mental health disorders, depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol use, etc. Young children often show signs early on that their relationship with their parents is affecting their mental and physical health.4 Those effects can continue well into adulthood.4,5
Here are nine potential effects of toxic parents:
- Mental health disorders in childhood, such depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)4
- Mental health issues in adolescence5
- Depression and anxiety in adulthood2
- Difficulty managing emotions like anger4
- Suicide attempts4
- Drug and alcohol use2
- Physical health problems2
- Low self-esteem5
- Insecure attachments4
How to Deal With Toxic Parents: 8 Tips
Dealing with a toxic parent is difficult. Depending on their level of toxicity, you may choose to cut off contact altogether. In other cases, you may try to work with them to develop a healthier relationship. Either way, you must do what is best and healthiest for you.
Here are eight effective tips for dealing with toxic parents:
1. Remember That Your Feelings & Experiences Are Valid
If you’ve been raised by toxic parents, you might question your own thoughts or feelings about your childhood and your family’s dysfunction. You may have been made to feel like your emotions were wrong. Remember that whatever you think and feel is your experience and deserves to be recognized. Your family may not be able to support you in this, but you can give yourself this recognition.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are set to protect the people involved in relationships. They are essential. The type of boundaries you choose to set will depend on your specific situation, such as limiting your contact with a parent to once a week. You must also communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully and hold firm, even if the other person pushes back.
3. Stop Trying to Change Them
Children often harbor the fantasy that they can transform their parents into what they want them to be, but trying to change someone else is impossible. Recognizing this reality is actually empowering. Instead, focus on what is within your control, like managing your own reactions to toxicity. Stay focused on what you can change.
4. Have Realistic Expectations
Having unrealistic expectations is a common source of stress in relationships. If you consistently go into negative interactions expecting them to be positive, you may have to examine whether your expectations are unrealistic. It’s often more helpful to go in with no expectations, so you’re less likely to be disappointed.
5. Go Into Visits With a Plan of Action
You might try to anticipate possible challenges that could come up and ways to avoid them. For example, you might bring along a member of your support system or go in with a plan to enforce a boundary. Your plan might not always go as expected, but it can help to have a guide.
6. Rely on Your Support System
Your support system can be beneficial in helping you deal with the stress that comes from toxic parent relationships. Don’t hesitate to reach out to loved ones if you need to vent about how you’re feeling or brainstorm solutions.
7. Get Additional Support if Needed
If you feel like you don’t have enough positive support, consider joining a support group for the children of toxic parents. You could also join an alternatively relevant group like one for people dealing with anxiety, depression, or the children of alcoholics. You might also benefit from joining an activity to meet new people like a sports team or book club.
8. Practice Self-care
Having toxic parents can take an emotional toll on you. Maintaining good self-care is essential for dealing with any stress in your life. Make an effort to do at least one positive and healthy activity for yourself each week to alleviate stress. You might also try something new like meditation, art, or exercise.
When to Seek Professional Help
If managing a relationship with a toxic parent is causing you considerable stress, you may benefit from getting professional help. Signs that you are under too much stress include feeling sad, anxious, or irritable often, loss of interest in things that were once pleasurable, changes in your sleeping and eating patterns, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, and isolating from others.
Therapy can help you heal from the effects of a toxic parent. It can provide an opportunity to explore your past and better understand how it affects you today, as well as teach you ways to set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and cope with your own feelings.
A therapist that specializes in working with family issues may be able to help. You can find a therapist by searching an online directory, which allows you to narrow down your search to help you find the right fit.
Final Thoughts on Toxic Parents
Managing a relationship with a toxic parent can be challenging, but there are ways to move forward. Developing your own boundaries and coping skills in therapy can be helpful. Don’t hesitate to get the support that you need.
For Further Reading
For more information on toxic parents, see the following organizations:
