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12 Signs of Toxic Parents & How to Deal With Them

Published: December 14, 2021 Updated: November 28, 2022
Published: 12/14/2021 Updated: 11/28/2022
Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Benjamin Troy, MD
Reviewed by:

Benjamin Troy

MD
  • What Is a Toxic Parent?Definition
  • Signs of a Toxic Parent12 Signs
  • Effects of Toxic ParentsEffects
  • How to Deal With Toxic Parents: 8 Tips8 Tips
  • When to Seek Professional HelpGetting Help
  • Final Thoughts on Toxic ParentsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Benjamin Troy, MD
Reviewed by:

Benjamin Troy

MD

Toxic parents can be abusive, unsupportive, controlling, and harsh. Growing up with toxic parents can affect your physical and mental health, putting you at risk for substance use, low self-esteem, and relationship difficulties. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and getting support from family, friends, or a therapist are ways to cope with a toxic childhood.

Dealing with the fallout of toxic parents can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

What Is a Toxic Parent?

Toxic relationships can affect romantic partners, friends, siblings, and even parents and their children. Toxic parent/child relationships develop when children experience significant stress at the hands of their parents, or when parents fail to protect their children from a stressful environment.1

These relationships may involve physical, emotional, or sexual abuse and parental substance use and mental health issues. Toxic parent/child relationships often begin in childhood and continue into adulthood. These relationships can have negative effects on children and impact their mental and physical health.2

12 Signs of a Toxic Parent

Anyone can be a toxic parent, including mothers, fathers, step-, adopted, and foster parents. Toxic parents may fail to provide one of the components of a healthy parent-child relationship, including love, warmth, nurturance, understanding, protection, appropriate modeling, teaching opportunities, and clear, firm boundaries and limits.3

Here are twelve signs of a toxic parent:

1. They’re Violent

Toxic parents may be physically abusive. They may resort to violent acts like hitting, kicking, or choking their children when angry. In turn, children often develop fear, anxiety, and anger about this treatment. Some parents believe that violence can be a way to “teach” children; however, this is false. Violence has severe emotional and physical consequences on children and negatively affects any relationship.

2. They’re Verbally & Emotionally Abusive

Abuse includes more than physical violence. Toxic parents may also be verbally and emotionally abusive. This could involve them belittling their children’s self-esteem by calling them names, humiliating them in public, and using emotional manipulation and gaslighting tactics to get what they want. Though there’s no physical evidence of this type of abuse, it can be just as harmful.

3. They’re Sexually Inappropriate

A serious and extremely harmful sign of a toxic parent is sexually inappropriateness with the child. This could involve sexual acts, molestation, or exposing their children to inappropriate sexual content, all of which are considered sexual abuse. These behaviors are extremely damaging and if discovered, parents could face legal consequences.

4. They Put Their Needs Before Their Children’s

Toxic parents often prioritize their own needs, desires, and wants before those of their children. They may take care of their basic necessities first and address their children’s last. This is a sign of narcissism among parents and is particularly harmful for infants and young children who are not capable of caring for themselves.

5. They’re Controlling

Controlling parents become overly involved in their children’s lives to the point that it limits the child’s freedom, independence, and individuality. Signs of a controlling parent include interfering and expecting children to fit the parent’s image of what they “should” be, rather than giving them the freedom to develop their own interests and goals.

6. They Expect Complete Obedience

Toxic parents may expect their children to be obedient at all times. Though teaching children to respect authority is a necessary part of parenting, it’s normal for children to question and push back on their parent’s authority. Healthy parents handle this by staying firm yet loving; toxic parents overreact when their authority is challenged and may resort to aggression.

7. They Use Harsh Forms of Punishment

Discipline is a healthy parenting tool when used correctly; however, toxic parents often resort to harsh forms of punishment that are more dangerous and severe than warranted. For example, a toxic parent may hit a child for not completing their chores. Harsh punishment might also be verbal and emotional (e.g., a parent who belittles a child who comes home with a bad grade).

8. They Expect You to Admire Them

The need for excessive admiration is another sign of a narcissistic parent. These parents expect their children to praise and admire them and may become angry, resentful, and manipulative with attention-seeking behaviors if they fail to do so. These parents usually do not give their children the same admiration and praise in return.

9. They’re Jealous of Your Other Relationships

Your toxic parents may feel jealous when you develop close relationships with other people. They could perceive these other close relationships as threats. In some cases, they may resort to unhealthy tactics like manipulation to feel closer to you. In extreme cases, they could even try to end your relationships so they no longer feel threatened.

10. They’re Unsupportive

Toxic parents tend to be unsupportive of their children’s choices, interests, and accomplishments. There may be many different reasons for this, including jealousy or a need to control. Regardless, this can be hurtful for children who desire their parent’s approval.

11. They Cross Boundaries

Toxic parents overstep boundaries. They may call excessively, drop by unannounced, or befriend other people in their child’s life to get closer to them. Either way, these instances of boundary crossings are hurtful and threaten the children’s ability to have a healthy relationship with their parents.

12. They Take Their Emotions Out on Their Children

Toxic parents may use their children as an outlet for their emotions. For example, they may take their anger toward their spouse out on their children. This can be painful and confusing for children and fails to teach them healthy ways of managing their emotions

Effects of Toxic Parents

Toxic parents can have negative effects on children throughout their lifespan, including mental health disorders, depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol use, etc. Young children often show signs early on that their relationship with their parents is affecting their mental and physical health.4 Those effects can continue well into adulthood.4,5

Here are nine potential effects of toxic parents:

  1. Mental health disorders in childhood, such depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)4
  2. Mental health issues in adolescence5
  3. Depression and anxiety in adulthood2
  4. Difficulty managing emotions like anger4
  5. Suicide attempts4
  6. Drug and alcohol use2
  7. Physical health problems2
  8. Low self-esteem5
  9. Insecure attachments4

How to Deal With Toxic Parents: 8 Tips

Dealing with a toxic parent is difficult. Depending on their level of toxicity, you may choose to cut off contact altogether. In other cases, you may try to work with them to develop a healthier relationship. Either way, you must do what is best and healthiest for you.

Here are eight effective tips for dealing with toxic parents:

1. Remember That Your Feelings & Experiences Are Valid

If you’ve been raised by toxic parents, you might question your own thoughts or feelings about your childhood and your family’s dysfunction. You may have been made to feel like your emotions were wrong. Remember that whatever you think and feel is your experience and deserves to be recognized. Your family may not be able to support you in this, but you can give yourself this recognition.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are set to protect the people involved in relationships. They are essential. The type of boundaries you choose to set will depend on your specific situation, such as limiting your contact with a parent to once a week. You must also communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully and hold firm, even if the other person pushes back.

3. Stop Trying to Change Them

Children often harbor the fantasy that they can transform their parents into what they want them to be, but trying to change someone else is impossible. Recognizing this reality is actually empowering. Instead, focus on what is within your control, like managing your own reactions to toxicity. Stay focused on what you can change.

4. Have Realistic Expectations

Having unrealistic expectations is a common source of stress in relationships. If you consistently go into negative interactions expecting them to be positive, you may have to examine whether your expectations are unrealistic. It’s often more helpful to go in with no expectations, so you’re less likely to be disappointed.

5. Go Into Visits With a Plan of Action

You might try to anticipate possible challenges that could come up and ways to avoid them. For example, you might bring along a member of your support system or go in with a plan to enforce a boundary. Your plan might not always go as expected, but it can help to have a guide.

6. Rely on Your Support System

Your support system can be beneficial in helping you deal with the stress that comes from toxic parent relationships. Don’t hesitate to reach out to loved ones if you need to vent about how you’re feeling or brainstorm solutions.

7. Get Additional Support if Needed

If you feel like you don’t have enough positive support, consider joining a support group for the children of toxic parents. You could also join an alternatively relevant group like one for people dealing with anxiety, depression, or the children of alcoholics. You might also benefit from joining an activity to meet new people like a sports team or book club.

8. Practice Self-care

Having toxic parents can take an emotional toll on you. Maintaining good self-care is essential for dealing with any stress in your life. Make an effort to do at least one positive and healthy activity for yourself each week to alleviate stress. You might also try something new like meditation, art, or exercise.

When to Seek Professional Help

If managing a relationship with a toxic parent is causing you considerable stress, you may benefit from getting professional help. Signs that you are under too much stress include feeling sad, anxious, or irritable often, loss of interest in things that were once pleasurable, changes in your sleeping and eating patterns, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, and isolating from others.

Therapy can help you heal from the effects of a toxic parent. It can provide an opportunity to explore your past and better understand how it affects you today, as well as teach you ways to set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and cope with your own feelings.

A therapist that specializes in working with family issues may be able to help. You can find a therapist by searching an online directory, which allows you to narrow down your search to help you find the right fit.

Final Thoughts on Toxic Parents

Managing a relationship with a toxic parent can be challenging, but there are ways to move forward. Developing your own boundaries and coping skills in therapy can be helpful. Don’t hesitate to get the support that you need.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for marketing by the companies mentioned below.

Parent Coaching (for parents with younger children)

Manatee – Solution focused parent coaching. Engage in a systematic process of identifying, understanding, and finding solutions for the most common childhood behaviors. Free Consultation

Online Therapy 

BetterHelp – Get support and guidance from a licensed therapist. BetterHelp has over 20,000 therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy.  Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Virtual Psychiatry

Talkiatry – Get help from a real doctor that takes your insurance. Talkiatry offers medication management and online visits with top-rated psychiatrists. Take the online assessment and have your first appointment within a week. Free Assessment

Choosing Therapy Directory 

You can search for therapists by specialty, experience, insurance, or price, and location.  Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for marketing by Manatee, BetterHelp, and Talkiatry.

For Further Reading

For more information on toxic parents, see the following organizations:

  • National Council on Family Relations
  • Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families
  • Parents Anonymous
5 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Branco, M. S. S., & Linhares, M. B. M. (2018). The toxic stress and its impact on development in the Shonkoff’s Ecobiodevelopmental Theorical approach. Estudos de Psicologia (Campinas), 35, 89-98.

  • Herrenkohl, T. I., Hong, S., Klika, J. B., Herrenkohl, R. C., & Russo, M. J. (2013). Developmental impacts of child abuse and neglect related to adult mental health, substance use, and physical health. Journal of Family Violence, 28(2), 191-199.

  • Seay, A., Freysteinson, W. M., & McFarlane, J. (2014, July). Positive parenting. Nursing Forum, 49(3), 200-208.

  • Heim, C., Shugart, M., Craighead, W. E., & Nemeroff, C. B. (2010). Neurobiological and psychiatric consequences of child abuse and neglect. Developmental Psychobiology, 52(7), 671-690.

  • Berber Çelik, Ç., & Odacı, H. (2020). Does child abuse have an impact on self-esteem, depression, anxiety and stress conditions of individuals?. International Journal of Social Psychiatry, 66(2), 171-178.

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Headshot of Emily Guarnotta, PsyD
Written by:

Emily Guarnotta

PsyD
Headshot of Benjamin Troy, MD
Reviewed by:

Benjamin Troy

MD
  • What Is a Toxic Parent?Definition
  • Signs of a Toxic Parent12 Signs
  • Effects of Toxic ParentsEffects
  • How to Deal With Toxic Parents: 8 Tips8 Tips
  • When to Seek Professional HelpGetting Help
  • Final Thoughts on Toxic ParentsConclusion
  • Additional ResourcesResources
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