Toxic parents can be abusive, unsupportive, controlling, and harsh. Growing up with toxic parents can affect your physical and mental health, putting you at risk for substance use, low self-esteem, and relationship difficulties. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and getting support from family, friends, or a therapist are ways to cope with toxic parents.
What Is a Toxic Parent?
Toxic parents cause their children significant distress through their words and actions (or lack of actions), or they fail to protect their children from a stressful environment.1 These relationships may involve physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive parents, and the parent may have their own mental health issues.
Toxic parent/child relationships often begin in childhood and continue into adulthood. These relationships can have negative effects on children and impact their mental and physical health.2
20 Toxic Parent Traits
Toxic parents may fail to provide one of the components of a healthy parent-child relationship, including love, warmth, nurturance, understanding, protection, appropriate modeling, teaching opportunities, and clear, firm boundaries and limits.3 Anyone can be a toxic parent, including toxic mothers, fathers, step, adopted, and foster parents.
Here are 20 signs of toxic parents:
1. They’re Violent & Physically Abusive
Toxic parents may resort to violent acts like hitting, kicking, or choking their children when angry. In turn, children often develop fear, anxiety, and anger. Some parents believe that violence can be a way to “teach” children; however, this is false. Violence has severe emotional and physical consequences on children and negatively affects the relationship.
2. They’re Verbally & Emotionally Abusive
Abuse includes more than physical violence. Toxic parents may also be verbally and emotionally abusive. This could involve them belittling their children’s self-esteem by calling them names, humiliating them in public, and using emotional manipulation and gaslighting tactics to get what they want. Though there’s no physical evidence of this type of abuse and it can be harder to spot, it can be just as harmful.
3. They’re Sexually Inappropriate
A serious and extremely harmful sign of a toxic parent is sexual inappropriateness with the child. This could involve sexual acts, molestation, or exposing their children to inappropriate sexual content, all of which are considered sexual abuse. These behaviors are extremely damaging and if discovered, parents could face legal consequences.
4. They Put Their Needs Before Their Children’s
Toxic parents often prioritize their own needs, desires, and wants before those of their children. They may take care of their basic necessities first and address their children’s last. This is a sign of narcissism among parents and is particularly harmful for infants and young children who are not capable of caring for themselves.
5. They’re Controlling
Controlling parents become overly involved in their children’s lives to the point that it limits the child’s freedom, independence, and individuality. Signs of a controlling parent include interfering and expecting children to fit the parent’s image of what they “should” be, rather than giving them the freedom to develop their own interests and goals.
6. They’re Rigid & Expect Complete Obedience
Toxic parents may expect their children to be obedient at all times. Though teaching children to respect authority is a necessary part of parenting, it’s normal for children to question and push back on their parent’s authority. Healthy parents handle this by staying firm yet loving; toxic parents overreact when their authority is challenged and may resort to aggression.
7. They Use Harsh Forms of Punishment
Discipline is a healthy parenting tool when used correctly; however, toxic parents often resort to harsh forms of punishment that are more dangerous and severe than warranted. For example, a toxic parent may hit a child for not completing their chores. Harsh punishment might also be verbal and emotional (e.g., a parent who belittles a child who comes home with a bad grade).
8. They’re Self-Absorbed & Expect You to Admire Them
The need for excessive admiration is another sign of a narcissistic parent. These parents expect their children to praise and admire them and may become angry, resentful, and manipulative if they fail to do so. These parents usually do not give their children the same admiration and praise in return.
9. They’re Jealous of Your Other Relationships
Your toxic parents may feel jealous when you develop close relationships with other people. They could perceive these other close relationships as threats. In some cases, they may resort to unhealthy tactics like manipulation to feel closer to you. In extreme cases, they could even try to end your relationships so they no longer feel threatened.
10. They’re Unsupportive
Toxic parents tend to be unsupportive of their children’s choices, interests, and accomplishments. There may be many different reasons for this, including jealousy or a need to control. Regardless, this can be hurtful for children who desire their parent’s approval.
11. They Cross Boundaries
Toxic parents overstep boundaries. They may call excessively, drop by unannounced, or befriend other people in their child’s life to get closer to them. Either way, these instances of boundary crossings are hurtful and threaten the children’s ability to have a healthy relationship with their parents.
12. They Take Their Emotions Out on Their Children
Toxic parents may use their children as an outlet for their emotions. For example, they may take their anger toward their spouse out on their children. This can be painful and confusing for children and fails to teach them healthy ways of managing their emotions.
13. They’re Easily Offended
Toxic parents may take differences in opinion as personal attacks. Healthy intellectual boundaries may not be established in households with toxic parents, as children learn to suppress their ideas out of fear of negative consequences.4 For example, children may learn not to share differences in opinion around sensitive topics like politics or religion, knowing that their parents may take offense. The healthy ability to discuss and learn from one another is unfortunately not usually possible when living with toxic parents.
14. They Overshare About Private Matters
Toxic parents may have never learned the appropriate boundaries for sharing information. They may share stories that are inappropriate for young ears and may have negative emotional or mental repercussions for the listener. For example, sharing intimate details about struggles in their marriage may be confusing and frustrating for a child whose parents are getting a divorce.
15. They’re Overly Critical of You
Toxic parents may be overly critical of your thoughts, emotions, or actions. Children may learn to suppress their likes and dislikes to meet the needs of their parents in these types of family systems. Parents may unfortunately utilize these power dynamics to place undue criticism on children, often perpetuating feelings of shame.
16. They Blame Others Instead of Being Responsible for Themselves
Toxic parents may not hold themselves accountable for the negative consequences of their behaviors, and may look for external reasons to place the blame on instead. Unfortunately in these types of family systems, children generally hold the least amount of power and control. Toxic parents may blame their children for negative outcomes, rather than looking inward.
17. They Embarrass You On Purpose
Toxic parents may embarrass their children on purpose to generate feelings of power and control. They may have learned within their own family systems that this is an acceptable form of coping with feelings of insecurity. Embarrassing children on purpose often causes undue shame and fear for the child, who needs their parent to represent unconditional support and positive regard.
18. They’re Manipulative
Toxic parents may perpetuate manipulative behaviors such as emotional coercion of children. They may also use tactics like flattery to persuade them into aligning with a particular outcome.4 Toxic parents may have learned that these manipulative behaviors are acceptable ways to get others to generate desired outcomes. Children who live in these family systems may fall prey to manipulative people because this is the behavior they learned, and may have to spend time as adults unlearning these types of ineffective interpersonal skills.4
19. They Often Have Outbursts Out of Nowhere
Toxic parents may have emotional outbursts seemingly out of the blue. These emotional outbursts can elicit fear, confusion, or anger for children. When these outbursts are repeated, they may encourage children to avoid being around their parents or suppress their actual thoughts and emotions.
There are three common reasons for why emotionally immature parents may convince adult children to give in to “emotional takeovers”:4
- Feeling bad about oneself for saying no
- Being fearful of a parent’s anger
- Being fearful of a parent’s judgment or punishment for setting limits
20. They’re Enmeshed With You
Toxic parents can develop enmeshed boundaries with their children. Enmeshed boundaries are unhealthy relationship dynamics marked by a lack of individuation, where family members become fused in their wants, needs, and desires. Enmeshed boundaries sometimes lead to the parentification of children. They can also lead to adult children feeling that they must be responsible for rescuing or defending their parent from harm (often called enmeshment trauma).4
Effects of Being Raised By Toxic Parents
Toxic parents can have negative effects on children throughout their lifespan, including mental health disorders, depression, anxiety, higher risk of drug and alcohol use, etc. Young children often show signs early on that their relationship with their parents is affecting their mental and physical health, and those effects can continue well into adulthood.5,6
Potential effects of being raised by toxic parents can include:2,5,6
- Mental health disorders in childhood, such depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Mental health issues in adolescence
- Depression and anxiety in adulthood
- Difficulty managing emotions like anger at parents well into adulthood
- Suicide attempts
- Drug and alcohol use
- Physical health problems
- Low self-esteem
- Insecure attachment
How to Deal With Toxic Parents as Adults
Dealing with a toxic parent is difficult. Depending on their level of toxicity, you may choose to cut off contact altogether. In other cases, you may try to work with them to develop a healthier relationship. Either way, you must do what is best and healthiest for you.
Here are nine effective tips for dealing with toxic parents in adulthood:
1. Remember That Your Feelings & Experiences Are Valid
If you’ve been raised by toxic parents, you might question your own thoughts or feelings about your childhood and your family’s dysfunction. You may have been made to feel like your emotions were wrong. Remember that whatever you think and feel is your experience and deserves to be recognized. Your family may not be able to support you in this, but you can give yourself this recognition.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries & Stick to Them
Boundaries are set to protect the people involved in relationships. They are essential. The type of boundaries you choose to set will depend on your specific situation, such as limiting your contact with a parent to once a week. You must also communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully and hold firm, even if the other person pushes back.
3. Stop Trying to Change Them
Children often harbor the fantasy that they can transform their parents into what they want them to be, but trying to change someone else is impossible. Recognizing this reality is actually empowering. Instead, focus on what is within your control, like managing your own reactions to toxicity. Stay focused on what you can change.
4. Be Mindful of How Much You Share With Them
Having intellectual boundaries can help you manage how you share information with parents. Intellectual boundaries include a respect for one another’s ideas, thoughts, and opinions. If you have toxic parents, your household may have a lack of intellectual boundaries. Taking the step to draw some intellectual boundaries around your own thoughts and opinions can help you protect what information you feel is appropriate to share with your parents. For example, you may decide to avoid certain topics altogether, like your love life or your political views.4
5. Have Realistic Expectations
Having unrealistic expectations is a common source of stress in relationships. If you consistently go into negative interactions expecting them to be positive, you may have to examine whether your expectations are unrealistic. It’s often more helpful to go in with no expectations, so you’re less likely to be disappointed.
6. Go Into Visits With a Plan of Action & Exit Strategy
You might try to anticipate possible challenges that could come up and ways to avoid them. For example, you might bring along a member of your support system or go in with a plan to enforce a boundary. Your plan might not always go as expected, but it can help to have a guide.
7. Rely on Your Support System
Your support system can be beneficial in helping you deal with the stress that comes from toxic parent relationships. Don’t hesitate to reach out to loved ones if you need to vent about how you’re feeling or brainstorm solutions.
8. Get Additional Support if Needed
If you feel like you don’t have enough positive support, consider joining a support group for the children of toxic parents. You could also join an alternatively relevant group like one for people dealing with anxiety, depression, or the children of alcoholics. You might also benefit from joining an activity to meet new people like a sports team or book club.
9. Practice Self-care
Having toxic parents can take an emotional toll on you. Maintaining good self-care is essential for dealing with any stress in your life. Make an effort to do at least one positive and healthy activity for yourself each week to alleviate stress. You might also try something new like meditation, art, or exercise.
When to Seek Professional Help for Dealing With Toxic Parents
If managing a relationship with a toxic parent is causing you considerable stress, you may benefit from getting professional help from a therapist. Signs that you are under too much stress include feeling sad, anxious, or irritable often, loss of interest in things that were once pleasurable, changes in your sleeping and eating patterns, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, and isolating from others.
Therapy can help you heal from the effects of a toxic parent. It can provide an opportunity to explore your past and better understand how it affects you today, as well as teach you ways to set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and cope with your own feelings.
A therapist that specializes in working with family issues may be able to help. You can facilitate the process of finding a therapist by searching an online directory, which allows you to narrow down your search to help you find the right fit.
Final Thoughts on Toxic Parents
Managing a relationship with a toxic parent can be challenging, but there are ways to move forward. Developing your own boundaries and coping skills in therapy can be helpful. Don’t hesitate to get the support that you need.
20 Signs of Toxic Parents & How to Deal With Them Infographics
