Aromantic individuals experience little or no romantic attraction to others.1 Aromantic people have a limited desire to perform romantic acts or engage in public or private displays of affection with a romantic partner. Aromantic people are capable of experiencing platonic affection and engaging in loving relationships with friends and family.
What Does It Mean to Be Aromantic?
Someone who is aromantic, also known as “aro,” often does not believe they require romantic companionship to feel fulfilled. This is not to say that aromantic people are incapable of being in a romantic relationship, but that relationships for aromantic individuals may look different than “traditional relationships.”
Being aromantic is not synonymous with being asexual, although some individuals may be both. Aromantic individuals may experience a “healthy” sex drive and maintain a desire for sexual connections with others.2 Aromantic individuals may sometimes deal with prejudice and judgment from others who are critical of their desire for sexual connections but not romantic ones.
Signs You May Be Aromantic
Aromanticism looks different for different people. Some aromantic individuals may prioritize being single and the independence that comes with such a lifestyle. In other instances, aromantic individuals may still seek support from a life partner or desire a “traditional” family with a spouse and children.
Some signs that you may be aromantic include:
- You feel platonic love for others, but not romantic love. Staying connected with others may be important to an aromantic individual; however, these connections may primarily consist of friends and family.
- You feel sexual attraction to others, but not romantic attraction. Unless the aromantic individual is asexual, they will still desire sexual connection with others.
- Being sexually attracted to someone does not inspire romantic attraction. The sexual attraction that aromantic people feel will not influence the development of romantic feelings for their sexual partner.
- You are content with not experiencing a romantic relationship. Aromantic individuals do not yearn for romantic partnerships and believe they can feel fulfilled without such a connection.
- You do not know what it feels like to have a “crush” on someone or how it feels to be in love. Aromantic individuals cannot relate to others’ descriptions of their romantic feelings or desires.
- Sexual partners may express frustration that you send conflicting messages. Others who do not identify as aromantic may not understand an aromantic individual’s underlying motivations for sexual connections.
- You seek out dates or relationships for reasons aside from romantic love. Aromantic individuals may seek a romantic relationship for alternative reasons, such as a desire to raise children.
Aromanticism Vs. Asexuality
Although aromanticism and asexuality are sometimes confused, aromanticism is a lack of desire for a romantic connection, while asexuality is a lack of desire for a sexual connection.3 Some individuals may identify as both aromantic and asexual. A study conducted in 2020 indicated that 1% of the population identifies as asexual, with 25% of that 1% also identifying as aromantic.3
Both aromanticism and asexuality challenge “traditional” concepts of relationships. Both identities emphasize an important aspect of human connection to each individual. Whether one identifies as aromantic, asexual, or both, there are varying levels of desire for companionship and connection to others. Each person’s identity and life circumstance is unique.
The Aromantic Spectrum
People who identify as aromantic have a variety of experiences that cannot necessarily be condensed into one concise label. Aromantic people can also identify as heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, and other sexual identities.4 Being aromantic is not an across-the-board label, and some experience differing levels of desire for others.
Other sexual identities on the aromantic spectrum include:
- Grayromantic/graysexual: Describes an individual who may feel sexual or romantic attraction for others but only under specific conditions.1
- Demiromantic/demisexual: Describes an individual who will only feel romantic or sexual attraction to others after forming an emotional connection with said person.1
- Lithromantic/akoiromantic: Describes an individual who will feel romantic feelings toward another person but does not desire those feelings to be reciprocated. If the other person reciprocates feelings, the original attraction from the lithromantic/akoiromantic individual will fade.
- Recipromantic/reciprosexual: Describes an individual who will only experience a romantic or sexual attraction if it’s confirmed that the other individual reciprocates feelings/attraction.
How Aromanticism Affects Relationships
Aromantic people can be in relationships, although relationships for aromantic people may appear different from “traditional” relationships. An aromantic person may find a partner who is understanding of their aversion to romantic gestures and feelings. It’s also possible that two aromantic people with a platonic affection for one another may recognize the benefits of being in a partnership with one another.
An aromantic person may pursue a relationship because of factors such as:
Desire for Family & Children
Some aromantic people will still desire to raise children and live as a “traditional” family. Aromantic people still feel platonic love, which includes loving their children, should they have any. Aromantic people can also recognize the benefits of partnering with another person without being concerned with romantic motivations behind seeking a partner.
Giving & Receiving Affection
A lack of romantic or sexual interest in someone else does not imply that an aromantic person does not desire emotional support, the commitment of a life partner, or affection from others. Aromantic people experience the range of human emotions that most people do and will still possess a desire to share with the people involved in their lives.
Aromantic people may still demonstrate or wish to receive gestures of affection. Aromantic individuals may be a shoulder to cry on. They may buy their friend a cup of coffee because they’re having a bad day. They can celebrate their sibling’s graduation or a friend’s promotion. On the other hand, aromantic people may desire such support or celebration from their friends and family.
Shared Interests
Aromantic individuals may also develop relationships based on shared interests. Think of your closest friend and the joy you feel when they are around. Aromantic people may feel this same joy for someone and desire this person’s presence regularly. Aromantic people can connect with others through mutual understanding, such as shared interests and hobbies.
The relationships that aromantic people develop and experience may sometimes present as more platonic in nature. This is not to say that the aromantic person does not love their partner; Instead, they connect to the person for other reasons, including an empathetic connection based on shared interests.
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Challenges of Being Aromantic
Identifying as aromantic may come with its own set of challenges. Aromantic people may have difficulty finding a life partner who understands their lack of interest in romanticism. Others may sometimes assume that the aromantic individual is “cold-hearted.” Aromantic individuals also may face judgment that they are promiscuous and only interested in sexual activity.
Many of the challenges that aromantic people may face are rooted in amatonormativity. Amatonormativity is the concept or belief that all people are interested in pursuing “traditional” love and romance. Someone with an amatonormative lens may assume that aromantic individuals avoid romance due to an underlying issue. Amatonormativity may cause aromantic people to feel as if they are “wrong” for their disinterest in romance.
How to Support Someone Who Is Aromantic
Like most people who identify outside of “traditional” societal norms, aromantic people may find themselves in situations in which they require emotional support. Aromantic people are susceptible to judgment and negative perceptions from others, which may influence their perception of themselves. Acting as an “ally” to a friend or relative who identifies as aromantic may benefit their overall mental health.
Ways to be supportive and an ally to an aromantic person include:
- Be respectful of their identity: It can be frustrating for the aromantic person to have their identity challenged or questioned.
- Avoid being dismissive of their feelings: Do not challenge the aromantic individual by insisting they have not met the right person or that they will eventually feel differently about romance.
- Avoid making assumptions: Do not assume that you are more aware of what the aromantic individual feels or how they perceive their identity.
- Educate yourself and others: Aromantic and “aro” are relatively new terms. Others may not be familiar with the identity. Researching for yourself, but also having the ability to educate others, is acting as an ally.
- Offer your support: Remind the aromantic individual in your life that you are available to support them. Others in their life may be dismissive or judgmental, and they may require support.
- Listen to their concerns or frustrations: When the individual comes to you to discuss their frustrations, act as a listener. Offer feedback or perspective when asked. Interrupting or “playing devil’s advocate” may feel invalidating to the aromantic individual.
How to Care For Yourself as An Aromantic Person
Aromantic people may face stigma or backlash from others who misunderstand their identity, so learning to care for oneself is important. Family, friends, and coworkers can provide the support one needs to overcome adversity. Surround yourself with supportive energy and relationships to affirm that you know yourself and your desires better than others can.
Ways to take care of yourself as an aromantic person include:
- Develop and maintain a support system: Developing social connections with others who care for you can provide you with necessary emotional support during times of hardship.
- Find like-minded individuals: Finding other aromantic people in your immediate social circles may be difficult. Seeking out support groups or reading about the experiences of other aromantic people online can be a validating and healing experience.
- Find fulfillment through other avenues: As an aromantic person, your experiences outside of a romantic relationship are paramount to your self-image and overall identity.
- Put in the work to understand yourself: Identifying outside of “traditional” norms can be an intimidating experience. It’s important that aromantic individuals take time to self-reflect, possibly through research or meditation, to identify their unique desires for their life.
- Remain true to your desires: As an aromantic person, you may deal with others trying to convince you to feel or act a certain way. Try to maintain a positive self-image and remain true to what you want and expect from your life. Do not feel pressured to engage in activities that make you uncomfortable.
When to Seek Professional Help
Identifying as an aromantic person can be a confusing and isolating experience. Aromantic people may have difficulty fully comprehending their feelings and perspectives, especially when societal norms have an amatonormative lens. Seeking a mental health provider can be helpful for an individual who is having trouble navigating their emotions.
Finding an LGBTQ+ affirmative provider may be additionally helpful for an aromantic individual. Said providers can provide perspective and support for identities outside the cisgender, heteronormative lens. For those who struggle to find providers in their area, online LGBTQ+ affirmative counseling is an available alternative to provide the unique support an aromantic individual may need.
In My Experience
In my experience, clients who have struggled with their identity, whether it be as a homosexual, asexual, polyamorous, or aromantic individual, amongst other identities, often deal with immense confusion and frustration. Many times, when people struggle with deviating from “traditional” standards, the judgment of others will breed internalized shame. All people have unique perspectives on romance, sexual attraction, and social relationships, and none of the views are shameful or more or less valid than others.
It’s important that anyone struggling with facets of their identity take the time and have the patience to navigate their feelings. For some, this may be along with a mental health provider. For others, it may be more of an independent activity through research, etc. In either case, understanding oneself takes time. Evaluate how you choose to experience happiness and understand you have the autonomy to explore those options.
For Further Reading
Aromantic Infographics
