Romantic orientation is different and separate from sexual orientation, but for many, it is equally important. Romantic orientation is about who you want to be affectionate or fall in love with. Romantic attraction can exist without the need for sexual attraction as a person can feel romantically attracted to someone without necessarily feeling sexually drawn to them.
What Is Romantic Orientation?
A person’s romantic orientation, sometimes called affectional orientation, is the classification of the sex or gender with which a person experiences romantic attraction towards or is likely to have a romantic relationship. For example, while a pansexual person may feel sexually attracted to people regardless of gender, the person may experience romantic attraction and intimacy with women only.1
Romantic orientation is how you identify. No one else can tell your romantic orientation unless you tell them.
Sexual Orientation Vs. Romantic Orientation
It’s important to understand sexual and romantic orientations as separate entities. Your Sexual orientation is about who you want to have sex with. It can feel like more of a physical sensation than a romantic one. Romantic orientation, however, is about who you want to be affectionate with or fall in love with. Most people are sexually orientated to the same people they’re romantically oriented to, but not always. It’s possible that sexual desire and romantic desire don’t line up, which is referred to as cross-oriented.2
The difference helps to explain why a person might gravitate toward one person for an amorous experience and another for a sexual experience.
Common sexual and romantic orientations include:
| Attracted to | Sexual Orientation | Romantic Orientation |
|---|---|---|
| Attracted to people of a different gender | Straight/Heterosexual | Heteroromantic |
| Attracted to people of the same gender | Gay/Lesbian/Homosexual | Homoromantic |
| Attracted to more than one gender of people | Bisexual | Biromantic |
| Attracted to people of all genders/regardless of gender | Pansexual | Panromantic |
| Attracted to people rarely, weakly, or not at all | Asexual | Aromantic |
14 Types of Romantic Orientation
Just as there are multiple sexual orientations, there are multiple identifiable romantic orientations. Romantic orientation exists along a spectrum, meaning we have the potential to experience varying levels of romantic attraction, from a little to a lot or rarely to frequently.
The following list, while not exhaustive, includes 14 types of romantic orientation:
1. Alloromantic
Someone who is alloromantic experiences romantic attraction for someone of the opposite gender, same gender, or any other gender. Many people assume everyone is alloromantic but that is not true.
2. Aromantic
Aromantic is an umbrella term used by people who don’t typically experience romantic attraction to anyone. Some may call themselves aro for short. Aromantic identities exist along an aromantic spectrum. Romantic attraction can be defined as a desire to have romantic contact or interaction with an individual.3
Signs of aromantic orientation include:
- You don’t experience feelings of romantic attraction
- You feel that you do not need a romantic relationship to feel complete or fulfilled
- You don’t experience “crushes” or being “in love” with someone else
- You have a hard time relating to romantic stories
3. Biromantic
Biromantic means being romantically attracted to multiple genders, including men, women, and people who don’t align with rigid gender identities, such as transgender and non-binary individuals. (Please note: While the prefix “bi” means two, it doesn’t mean that a biromantic person is attracted to only two genders).
Signs that you might be biromantic include:
- You enjoy non-sexual contact (such as cuddling or quality time) with romantic partners of different genders
- You can picture a future with romantic partners of different genders
- You desire emotional intimacy with certain genders but not with other genders
- You like to make romantic gestures for people who identify with one gender identity as well as with people who identify with another gender identity
4. Cupioromantic
People who are cupioromantic are aromantics (those who don’t experience romantic attraction to others) but who want romantic relationships. Cupioromantics sometimes go by the label kalosromantic.
5. Demiromantic
A demiromantic person is someone who only develops romantic feelings for another person when they have a strong emotional connection to them. This doesn’t mean that someone who is demiromantic doesn’t like physical affection. Some enjoy physical affection, while others do not. Those who do like physical affection enjoy hugging, cuddling, and having sex. Being demiromantic doesn’t mean you are “cold-hearted” or must take your time before trusting someone. Nor does it mean you haven’t met “the right person.”4
Each demiromantic person’s relationship desires and experiences are different. For example, some may never enjoy typically romantic activities, while others enjoy them only with certain emotionally close partners.
6. Grayromantic
Grayromantic is the romantic orientation term to describe someone who occasionally feels romantic attraction under certain circumstances.4
7. Heteroromantic
Someone who identifies as heteroromantic would be someone who experiences a romantic attraction toward a person of the opposite gender.
8. Homoromantic
Someone who is homoromantic experiences a romantic attraction toward a person of the same gender. Most people who are gay are also homoromantic, but not all. You can be homoromantic and also be bisexual, asexual, or heterosexual, among other sexual orientations.
9. Lithromantic or Akoiromantic
People who are lithromantic or akoiromantic feel romantic attraction but don’t want to have it returned. The attraction may also go away when someone does have feelings for them.
10. Panromantic
Panromantic means being romantically attracted to people of all genders. In other words, while being biromantic means being romantically attracted to multiple genders, being panromantic means having a romantic attraction to someone, regardless of gender.
11. Polyromantic
People who identify as polyromantic have romantic attraction toward multiple, but not all, genders.
12. Queerplatonic
A queerplatonic relationship is not romantic in nature, but they involve very close emotional connections that are often deeper and more intense than what is traditionally considered a friendship. Since there is inadequate language to describe queerplatonic partners, some people refer to these partners as zucchini.
13. Quoiromantic
Someone who is quoiromantic can’t tell the difference between romantic and platonic attractions.
14. Squish
A “squish” is a term used to identify aromantic crushes, the desire for a non-romantic/platonic relationship with another person.
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Why Does Understanding Romantic Orientation Matter?
Learning and understanding romantic orientation can be liberating and empowering for those who have been confused or ashamed about how they relate to others. Learning that what you experience is shared by others and having the language to describe your romantic orientation can be incredibly validating, especially for cross-oriented people. It can help you better understand yourself and strengthen your relationships with others.
On the other hand, when you don’t understand your true romantic orientation, you may experience relationship anxiety, relationship conflicts, or commitment issues. In the past, there was a tremendous stigma attached to anyone who experienced romantic orientation issues. They were considered “mixed up,” to say the least, and many were labeled neurotic or personality disordered. Fortunately, we have advanced to the point that we now recognize that those who do not fit a specific mold can be just as emotionally healthy as those who do.
In general, discovering whether or not your sexual and romantic orientations align can be an important aspect of your journey to truly understand yourself and can add another dimension to your sexual personality. If you are dating, it can help you figure out who you are looking for in a long-term partner versus someone you might just be interested in on a physical basis. As with most issues surrounding sex and relationships, knowing and accepting yourself concerning what you need and want makes it a lot easier to connect with others.
Tips to Figure Out Your Romantic Orientation
Wondering what your romantic orientation is? Look for patterns in your dating history. Even though your dating history may not accurately define who you are today, it still holds valuable information about your preferences. For example, if you’ve always dated men but never desired or experienced an emotional connection with them, you may not be romantically attracted to them. Research shows this is not all that uncommon, especially with women.
Get real and honest about what you actually want. We are taught to think about relationships in terms of who we are sexually attracted to but not given much permission to ponder the issue of who we are romantically attracted to.
Ask Yourself These Questions to Discover Your Romantic Orientation
Asking yourself the following questions can help you discover your romantic orientation:
- What does my dating history tell me about my preferences?
- Are the people I want to have sex with the same people I want an emotional connection with?
- Have I ever been attracted to someone romantically but not sexually?
- Or the reverse, have I ever been attracted to someone sexually but not romantically?
- Have I experienced love feelings in the past? For whom and in what contexts?
- Who do I want to spend quality time with?
- Who do I want to share my inner thoughts and feelings—my emotional self with?
- Who am I building a life with today, if anyone?
- How do I imagine my life being like 5 years from now?
- Am I open to the idea that I may need more than one person to satisfy my need for a romantic connection and another to satisfy my need for a sexual connection?
When Can a Therapist Be Helpful?
If you’ve asked yourself if you need therapy, you might find it helpful to seek the help of a professional therapist to wade through the cultural and societal expectations that have influenced you about who you should love and feel desire toward. For example, just because you haven’t fallen in love with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t necessarily mean you are homosexual. You may be bisexual, or you may be biromantic. Finding an LGTBQ+ therapist or sex therapist in an online therapist directory can help you explore these possibilities. It can also help to discover what relationship structure you need for your relationships to work. For example, it may be important that your primary partner agree that it is acceptable for you to have romantic yet non-sexual partners outside the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Not everyone needs to identify their romantic orientation, but for some, learning what their romantic orientation is can be as important as their sexual orientation. Having the language of romantic orientation can help with confusion and shame and can feel validating for many. The concept of romantic orientation is meant to help facilitate a deeper understanding of oneself to strengthen your relationship with yourself and others. While they can be validating and meant to help you feel less alone and to find a community, these labels are not meant to be rigid. If they don’t resonate with you, get in the way of how you define yourself or feel too limiting, simply ignore them.
Romantic Orientation Infographics
