How to Confront an Alcoholic: 7 Tips

Should You Confront An Alcoholic?

Yes, the person struggling with alcoholism should be confronted about their behaviors. If alcohol abuse is left unaddressed, it is a downward spiral. Alcoholism impacts many different facets of life, from physical and emotional to interpersonal and financial side effects.¹ The longer your loved one struggles with alcohol abuse, the more difficult it will be to recover.

It’s no easy feat approaching someone about their concerning behaviors, especially someone struggling with a drinking problem. It’s normal to worry about them getting angry, that they might get offended, or that it will impact the relationship. And no one can assure you how the confrontation will go.

That being said, if you choose to stay silent about your loved one’s behavior, it sends the message that it’s not an issue. It allows the person struggling with alcohol abuse to believe that they are hiding it well and that it isn’t impacting them or those around them. In order to better help them, it’s important to let them know how the alcohol use is impacting their relationship with you. The longer the alcohol abuse goes on, the worse the behaviors will get.

Understanding Alcoholism

Alcohol use disorder (AUD) is when a person is unable to manage their drinking, and they are unable to stop drinking even when it is impacting their life. AUD involves continuing to increase consumption in order to obtain the same effect from the alcohol or if the alcohol is impacting the person’s ability to function in their relationships, at work, or in their personal life.²

Alcohol abuse is similar to AUD. However, the person doesn’t meet all of the criteria noted in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5 (DSM5) used to diagnose. Alcohol abuse is just as detrimental, and both conditions can lead to health issues, strained relationships, and impaired functioning. Early intervention is extremely important.

Education and awareness play a crucial role in addressing the stigma surrounding alcohol-related disorders, fostering understanding, and promoting early intervention. When we better understand something, we can approach it from a more compassionate outlook, allowing for a more supportive and pro-recovery approach.

Signs That You Should Confront An Alcoholic

When wondering whether or not to confront your loved one, consider the following signs that are common with those struggling with alcohol abuse. It is important to have an understanding of the common signs in order to identify them in your loved one better. Each experience can look different.

Common signs that you should confront an alcoholic include:

• Their breath constantly smells like alcohol
• They drink alone often
• They’re sleeping more than usual
• They have bloodshot eyes
• They have an unsteady gait
• They’re frequently angry
• Irrationally moody
• Belligerent
• Experience withdrawal symptoms
• Needing to increase their intake due to increased alcohol tolerance
• Inability to engage in daily activities
• They’re unable to stop drinking, even when expressing that they want to.
• They continue to drink regardless of the impact it has on their relationships.
• They continue to drink regardless of the impact on mental health issues.

Do’s & Don’ts Of How to Confront An Alcoholic

When planning on confronting a loved one about their alcohol abuse, there are a few different things to consider before moving forward. This is already a scary and uncomfortable situation to be in, you don’t also have to go into it feeling unprepared and uneducated. Keep the following tips in mind when you move forward with the confrontation.

Here are 7 tips for how to confront an alcoholic:

1. Do Talk to Intervention Specialists

An intervention specialist provides education, guidance, training, and facilitates the intervention. They can also organize and orchestrate the aftercare plan for the family and the person struggling with alcohol abuse.

Having an Intervention Specialist present can be beneficial for many reasons. It is common for the individual struggling to attempt and oftentimes successfully manipulate the family. When there is a specialist there for support and guidance, it can hold the family accountable and empower them to follow through with ensuring the person struggling gets the appropriate care they need.

An Intervention Specialist can also help stage the intervention. They can ensure the right people are included in the intervention team, that each participant is informed and knows how to support the loved one through the intervention best, and they can help prepare for and minimize any challenges that might occur.

2. Don’t Confront Them When They’re Drunk or Drinking

It’s important to find a time when the person is sober to plan the confrontation. There will never be a truly right time or easy time. It is about finding the best possible time when you know the person will be able to comprehend what you are saying and that they will remember it the next day.

Confronting someone when they are sober is less likely to lead to anger or aggression. Have them sit at a table with you or somewhere comfortable. This offers structure and can feel more like a discussion.

3. Do Be Firm and Clear

After you have planned what you want to say, it is important to communicate it firmly to them. No beating around the bush or minimizing the behaviors. Focus on your truths, be direct, and let them know what you are noticing and why it is concerning. The more firm and clear you are, the more likely it is that they will receive the message.

4. Don’t Use “You” Statements

When we are communicating with anyone, especially during a difficult confrontation, it is important to try and avoid “You” statements. This is when we start a sentence with “You.” Statements like this come off as accusatory and shaming. And when a loved one hears this, their defenses are immediately going up. “You” statements can look like “You are ruining your life” or “You are blowing  all of your money.”

Instead of “You” statements, use “I” statements. “I” statements allow us to take ownership of our thoughts, feelings, and observations.  These can look like, “I am worried about how the drinking is impacting your life,” “I am no longer able to loan you money,” or “I can see that the drinking is stopping you from going to work.” These don’t sound like an attack and are more digestible.

5. Do Share How You’ve Been Personally Affected

Alcohol abuse doesn’t just affect the individual. Alcoholism affects family, friends and the community. Let your loved one know how their drinking has been impacting you. Reflect on your experience with their drinking and be firm with boundaries.

6. Don’t Call Them an ‘Alcoholic’ or ‘Addict’

Calling your loved one an “alcoholic” or “addict” can feel very shaming. Branding them as an alcoholic or addict in that moment can also impact their self-worth, impacting their confidence in being able to recover. This is a disease, not a part of who they are. Instead, refer to the disease directly. Let them know that this is something they are struggling with and something that they can recover from.

7. Do Offer Options Instead of Ultimatums

Even though it might seem obvious that your loved one needs help, they may not be in a place where they are able or ready to acknowledge that. It’s important to come from a curious and supportive place. This might look like exploring options with them. Letting them know different substance use specialists in the area, the names of rehabilitation centers, and the different steps to take to make those happen.

Let them know that you are there for them and want to support them in receiving the help they need and deserve.

Self-Care After the Confrontation

Knowing that this is going to be a difficult experience, plan to set aside time for yourself after the confrontation. Going forward with firm boundaries can be a challenging adjustment for all and requires energy and for you to be able to manage your own emotions. Explore what self-care looks like to you and find ways to make those things happen. Whether it’s taking some time to go hiking, ensuring that you have your own support system on deck when things are feeling overwhelming, or finding a therapist to talk to. Taking care of yourself also shows others the importance of self-care.

How To Support a Loved One Struggling With Alcohol Use Disorder

Supporting someone struggling with alcohol use disorder doesn’t always come naturally to us. It can take work, and there will be some learning curves. Give yourself grace in that you are doing your best and are learning as you go.

You can offer support by seeking professional help, emphasizing that recovery is possible and that they’re not alone. Encourage open dialogue, actively listen, and be prepared for resistance, understanding that ambivalence is common. Continuously express your love and commitment to their well-being, reinforcing the idea that seeking help is a courageous and positive step toward a healthier life.

The Importance of Boundaries When Helping Someone With Alcohol Use Disorder

Establishing boundaries is a crucial part of the intervention process. Boundaries are put into place to offer safety and structure to maintain a healthy relationship and to protect your well-being. When we set boundaries, those around us know exactly what to expect from us. By prioritizing your boundaries, you are preventing yourself from becoming burnt out and resentful.

Setting clear limits helps prevent enabling behaviors and emotional exhaustion. It is important to communicate openly and clearly about your boundaries so there is a mutual understanding of where you draw the line. Once the boundaries have been set, it is crucial that they are consistently enforced.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you are noticing any of the above signs of AUD or alcohol abuse and you are concerned for your loved one, consider seeking professional help. Reach out and connect with someone who can offer additional guidance on how to support yourself and your loved one. If you are worried about complications with going to in-person sessions with a professional, there are many online options available. You can explore the online therapist directory or online therapy platform to find a professional who is a good fit. If your loved one is struggling with co-occurring issues like anxiety or depression, reviewing online psychiatrist options can be helpful in distinguishing between the different symptoms and getting a clearer idea of the diagnosis.