Getting over a crush can be difficult, leaving you potentially disappointed, hopeless, and generally feeling down. You may be surprised by how painful it is. By focusing on yourself, distracting yourself in healthy ways, and effectively processing your emotions, you can begin to move on.
Having a crush on someone typically includes infatuation, idealization, and romanticizing the idea of having them as a partner. When your hopes do not work out, you may feel empty and lost because of the emotional energy you put into that fantasy. As nice as the idea of forming a partnership with a crush is, it can be hard to get over someone, even if you never dated. Dealing with rejection can add additional suffering, triggering feelings of worthlessness, emptiness, and low self-esteem.
Consider these tips to help you get over your crush and happily move on:
1. Accept How You Feel
While it may sound like a therapist cliche, feeling your feelings truly does help. When we ignore, invalidate, or push away our emotions, they have a way of sneaking back up later. Take the time to acknowledge, validate, and ultimately accept how you feel, even if it is uncomfortable. You can do this by talking to a friend about how you feel, journaling, or simply by just noticing how the emotions feel in your body.
2. Focus on Yourself
Focusing on yourself is a classic way to help yourself get over a crush. It also has the positive side effects of helping you to build confidence along the way. Focusing on yourself may mean putting an emphasis on self-care (getting enough sleep, moving your body more, nourishing your body with healthy foods, etc) or on general self-improvement by reading motivational books or finding a therapist.
3. Do Something Special for Yourself
In addition to focusing on yourself, doing something special and out-of-the-ordinary for yourself may provide you with much needed positive feelings and distraction.
4. Focus on Your Friends & Family
You may have happy and healthy relationships around you that can be helpful and uplifting while you are feeling down. Spending time with them and nurturing those relationships can be soothing and provide some perspective.
5. Reflect in Order to Grow
Consider why this particular crush is causing you significant pain. For example, are you feeling lonely and unconnected throughout your life? Were you hoping that this potential relationship could increase your confidence and sense of self? Were you trying to cover up relationship anxiety?
If you can understand the root of this pain, you may be able to take additional actions to help yourself. To continue with one of the previous examples, if you recognize that you are feeling lonely, it may be time to reconnect with old friends and/or make efforts to have new friends.
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6. Volunteer
Freely giving your time, money, and/or energy in the form of volunteering can help you feel purposeful and aligned with your values. It will bring your attention to something positive, rather than ruminating about your crush, and give you a sense of meaning in your life.
7. Practice Gratitude
It may be a little cliche these days to tell someone to keep a gratitude journal, but studies show it can increase happiness.1 Write down in a journal or in a note in your phone three to five things for which you are grateful. These things can be big (I have a house!) or small (I really enjoyed that coffee drink I got today). This will help you to notice the positive things that are in your life.
8. Get Out in Nature
Nature can be grounding and soothing, and even help you get perspective on your problems.2 Get out for a walk in a local park, go to a beach or lake, or go for a hike. Even just a small effort to get into nature can have positive effects on mental health.
9. Find a New Hobby
A new hobby can help you to shift your attention to something productive and bring joy. For example, perhaps you want to take up gardening, crocheting, or fixing up cars. Dive into this hobby by researching online, getting a book from the library, and tracking down needed supplies.
10. Identify Reminders & Change Routines
If there are things that remind you of your crush and this is bothersome, it may be helpful to identify those particular reminders and change your routines to avoid them. Total avoidance is not healthy, but giving yourself the time and space to heal is okay.
11. Avoid Looking at Their Social Media
Social media can have negative impacts on your mental health. It may be tempting to “stalk” your crush on social media platforms, but this isn’t getting you anywhere. Looking at their posts will likely make you feel worse. It may be helpful to stop following them, temporarily remove the app from your phone, or to remove their information from your profiles and accounts.
12.Check If You’re Idealizing Them
Sometimes we fall in love with the idea of a person rather than the reality of who they are. You may find yourself idealizing them, thinking they would have been the perfect partner and there could not possibly be anyone like them. This is false. No one is perfect, and any successful long-term partnership requires a lot of hard work. Remind yourself of these realities as needed.
13. Embrace the Power of a Playlist
Music can move us in a variety of ways. Consider making two playlists: One that reflects your feelings of sadness and loss, and then another that generates feelings of confidence, an ability to overcome, and feeling good! Use these playlists to help you grieve as needed, and then get pumped up when the time is right.
14. Practice Your Self-Soothing Skills
Having a good toolbox of coping skills that help to soothe you is key. What soothes you specifically will be unique, but common examples include getting under the coziest blanket you have in your favorite pajamas, making a delicious warm beverage, snuggling with your pets, or watching an uplifting TV show. Consider soothing yourself with all of your senses, for example having soothing scents as well as something calming to look at. Care for yourself like you would care for someone you love.
15. Read an Inspiring Book
Find a book about overcoming challenges to inspire you. Humans are remarkably resilient, and can overcome the most difficult of circumstances. Reading about these experiences may encourage you when you are feeling down. A few examples of inspiring books include:
- Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
- A Place to Stand by Jimmy Santiago Baca
- Darkness Visible by William Styron
There are seemingly endless options, so find one that sparks your interest.
When to Get Help
If you are finding yourself unable to function, such as not being able to go to school or work, or isolating yourself, it may be time to find a therapist. Searching an online therapist directory can help you on this journey. Things do not have to be rock bottom or awful to work with a therapist, and there is no shame in asking for help.
Final Thoughts on How to Get Over a Crush
Coping with feelings of rejection and loss as you get over a crush can be difficult, but it is possible for you to heal and move on. It is easy to fall into the trap of having automatic, negative thoughts about yourself. Getting over a crush is an opportunity for growth through introspective work. It is important to take a look at why this fantasy meant so much to you, which in return can help you define what values are important to you. It is possible to learn a lot about yourself, what you’re attracted to and what you desire in a relationship when we get rejected.
