Relationship anxiety, while not a formal diagnosis, describes someone’s anxiety towards family members, romantic partners, or platonic relationships. You may look for ways to keep the other person close by clinging to them, or you may push them away, unsure if they feel the same. Therapy and stress management techniques can be effective in reducing the levels of anxiety people experience about their relationships.
If you’re ready to speak with a therapist about your relationship anxiety, click here to get started. Answer a few simple questions and a Client Navigator at Choosing Therapy will help you find a supportive, experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing.
Is Relationship Anxiety Normal?
It’s perfectly normal to have some level of anxiety about relationships. But relationship anxiety becomes a problem when its severe enough or lasts long enough to impede growth in the relationship, or affect other areas of your life. Relationship insecurity can increase stress and impact how you interpret your feelings and emotions,1 and can sometimes lead to separation anxiety.2
7 Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety can plague anyone, and experiencing it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in a bad relationship. Oftentimes, fear and worry stem from not wanting to experience a bad outcome or being reluctant to be vulnerable due to past hurts.
Seven signs you may be experiencing relationship anxiety are:
1. Fear of Commitment & Vulnerability
Commitment issues can occur due to a previous negative experience, or because you may not feel comfortable expressing your feelings. For some, relationships feel confining and putting a label on them increases their level of anxiety.
2. Ending Relationships Before They Become Serious
If you find yourself cutting people off before the relationship becomes more serious, keeping potential friends at arms-length, or engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors, you might have relationship anxiety.
3. Not Expressing Your Needs & Desires Because You’re Fearful That They Will Leave
Healthy relationships need to be built on trust and honesty, and feeling reluctant to share your thoughts can indicate anxiety about the relationship.
4. Questioning Your Partner’s Motives
Many people with relationship anxiety will continuously worry their partner will “find someone better,” doubt whether their partner truly cares for them, or constantly be concerned that their partner will break up with them over insignificant or non-existent reasons.
5. Doubting You & Your Partner’s Compatibility
You may start to put more emphasis than necessary on the differences between you and your partner—like having different taste in music or movies—to the point where you’re spending more time worrying about those small differences than appreciating where you are compatible.
6. Overthinking Your Partner’s Words & Actions
Maybe your partner prefers to limit PDA or makes a joke about a quirky part of your personality; this may lead you to spend a lot of time reading into their actions and assuming that they don’t actually like you, when they probably just have slightly different preferences than you or are just trying to engage with you.
7. Spending More Time Worrying Than Enjoying the Relationship
It’s perfectly normal to have times of worry or doubt, but if you look back and see that you’re spending more time feeling insecure than happy or fulfilled, this is a clear sign of relationship anxiety.
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
There can be many underlying causes behind doubts and insecurity in relationships, including:
- Neglect or abuse, causing low self-esteem or self-worth due to past trauma
- Attachment difficulties stemming from relationships with your parents or caregivers at a young age
- Having parents who were significantly intrusive or disengaged
- General anxiety may lead to worry that your relationship will end poorly
8 Ways to Deal With Anxiety in a Relationship
Effectively coping with your relationship anxiety often begins with understanding any underlying anxiety you may have by working with a licensed therapist as a guide. It’s also important to be open and honest with your partner, who may be able to help calm your fears and help you feel more secure.
Eight tips for dealing with relationship anxiety in a healthy way include:
1. Identify What Is Driving Your Anxiety
Is it fear? Low self-esteem? Lack of confidence? Or shame? Assessing the root of your anxiety and drawing connections to previous experiences or how you were raised can increase your awareness. Sometimes, we feel insecure because we lack confidence in the ability to choose healthy relationships for ourselves.3
2. Be Honest With About What You’re Feeling
While you may not want to express your feelings at the height of anxiety, expressing yourself is important. It can deepen the relationship and keep lines of communication open. Let the supportive people in your life into your inner world.
3. Use Self-Soothing Techniques When Anxiety Levels Rise
Many times, anxiety can be accompanied by physical reactions, including rapid heart rate, chest tightness, or lightheadedness.4 Practice body scanning techniques to increase your self-awareness. Deep breathing, guided meditation, yoga, or doing an activity that focuses on one of your five senses are ways to self-soothe. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box when looking for a practice or technique that works for you.
4. Work on Building Trust With Supportive People
While it may be difficult, building trust is essential for maintaining a healthy connection with another individual. Make time for the people in your life who love you. Trust isn’t built overnight, and it comes through time and experiences as well as consistent, practiced behaviors.5
5. Address Conflict or Differences of Opinion
Not addressing relationship conflict can lead to resentment and the breakdown of the relationship. While conflict is unavoidable, it’s important to manage and address it in a healthy way. It may be difficult to express yourself, but start by focusing on using “I” statements, taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.
6. Recognize That Your Feelings Are Valid, but Feelings Aren’t Always Facts
Emotions come and go without warning and it can be easy to jump to a negative conclusion.6 Practice giving your relationships the benefit of the doubt and reframing your negative thoughts in a more positive light. Instead of saying, “I always push people away and nobody loves me,” say “I attract love and people are drawn to my warmth and energy.”
7. Express Appreciation to the Supportive People in Your Life
Affirm the people who have shown that they genuinely care about you. Gratitude can improve positivity and increase your emotional connection. Write down the positive aspects of your relationships and what you’re grateful for, acknowledging the role that others have had in your story.
8. Go to Therapy to Process Your Thoughts & Feelings
Therapy is a great way to dig deeper and uncover some of the negative thought patterns and experiences that could be contributing to your relationship anxiety.7 Working with a therapist can also give you a safe space to work through your anxious feelings and gain more clarity on how to identify and maintain a healthy relationship.
To find a therapist in your area, use an online therapist directory to connect with a therapist you feel comfortable talking to and can build a trusting relationship with. Remember, there is no shame in experiencing this kind of anxiety, and sometimes, the first step to healing is simply telling your truth and asking for help.
Final Thoughts
If you are struggling with the effects of anxiety in a relationship, remember, you are not alone. While your experiences are unique, there are people who understand or want to help. Start by educating yourself on the triggers, signs, and coping mechanisms of relationship anxiety, and then consider letting those people in.
Additional Resources
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
