Approximately 40 million adults in the United States have some type of anxiety disorder.1 Relationship anxiety, while not a formal diagnosis, describes someone’s anxiety towards family members, romantic partners, or platonic relationships. You may look for ways to keep the other person close by clinging to them, or you may push them away, unsure if they feel the same. Relationship anxiety can be treated through therapy and stress management techniques.
Is Relationship Anxiety Normal?
Relationship anxiety is often rooted in the nature of the attachment you formed to your parents or caregivers at a young age.2 Having parents who were significantly intrusive or disengaged can cause you to enter adult relationships with significant anxiety. You may have even experienced neglect or abuse, or have low self-esteem or self-worth due to past trauma or negative thoughts. You might just be feeling anxiety in general and worry that your relationship will end poorly.3
Anxiety in a relationship can increase stress and impact how you interpret your feelings and emotions.4 In a world where it can be hard to develop meaningful connections, it’s normal to have some level of anxiety about relationships, but these feelings can grow to impact your day-to-day life, sometimes leading to separation anxiety.5
Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety can plague anyone, and experiencing it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in a bad relationship. Oftentimes, fear and worry stem from not wanting to experience a bad outcome or being reluctant to be vulnerable due to past hurts.6 In general, relationship anxiety can manifest in a variety of ways and has several potential signs.
Signs that you may be experiencing relationship anxiety include:
- Fear of commitment and vulnerability: This can occur due to a previous negative experience, or because you may not feel comfortable expressing your feelings. For some, relationships feel confining and putting a label on them increases their level of anxiety.
- Ending relationships before they become serious: If you find yourself cutting people off before the relationship becomes more serious or keeping potential friends at arms-length, you might have relationship anxiety.
- Not expressing your needs and desires because you’re fearful that they will leave: Relationships need to be built on trust and honesty, and feeling reluctant to share your thoughts can indicate anxiety about the relationship.6
- Questioning your partner’s motives: Many people with relationship anxiety will continuously worry their partner will “find someone better,” doubt whether their partner truly cares for them, or constantly be concerned that their partner will break up with them over insignificant or non-existent reasons.
Dealing With Anxiety in a Relationship: 8 Ways to Overcome
There are certainly ways to overcome relationship anxiety, including self-soothing techniques, trust building exercises, and therapy with a certified mental health professional. Remember, there is no shame in experiencing this kind of anxiety, and sometimes, the first step to healing is simply telling your truth and asking for help.
Here are eight ways to overcome relationship anxiety:
1. Identify What Is Driving Your Anxiety
Is it fear? Low self-esteem? Lack of confidence? Or shame? Assessing the root of your anxiety and drawing connections to previous experiences or how you were raised can increase your awareness. Sometimes, we feel insecure because we lack confidence in the ability to choose healthy relationships for ourselves.7
2. Be Honest With Your Friend, Partner, or Family Member About What You’re Feeling
While you may not want to express your feelings at the height of anxiety, expressing yourself is important. It can deepen the relationship and keep lines of communication open.8 Let the supportive people in your life into your inner world.
3. Use Self-Soothing Techniques When You Feel Your Anxiety Levels Increase
Many times, anxiety can be accompanied by physical reactions, including rapid heart rate, chest tightness, or lightheadedness.9 Practice body scanning techniques to increase your self-awareness. Deep breathing, guided meditation, yoga, or doing an activity that focuses on one of your five senses are ways to self-soothe. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box when looking for a practice or technique that works for you.
4. Work on Building Trust With Supportive People
While it may be difficult, building trust is essential for maintaining a healthy connection with another individual. Make time for the people in your life who love you. Trust isn’t built overnight, and it comes through time and experiences as well as consistent, practiced behaviors.10
5. Address Conflict or Differences of Opinion
Not addressing relationship conflict can lead to resentment and the breakdown of the relationship. While conflict is unavoidable, it’s important to manage and address it in a healthy way.11 It may be difficult to express yourself, but start by focusing on using “I” statements, taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.
6. Recognize That Your Feelings Are Valid, but Feelings Aren’t Always Facts
Emotions come and go without warning and it can be easy to jump to a negative conclusion.12 Practice giving your relationships the benefit of the doubt and reframing your negative thoughts in a more positive light. Instead of saying, “I always push people away and nobody loves me,” say “I attract love and people are drawn to my warmth and energy.”
7. Express Appreciation to the Supportive People in Your Life
Affirm the people who have shown that they genuinely care about you. Gratitude can improve positivity and increase your emotional connection.13 Write down the positive aspects of your relationships and what you’re grateful for, acknowledging the role that others have had in your story.
8. Go to Therapy to Process Your Thoughts & Feelings
Therapy is a great way to dig deeper and uncover some of the negative thought patterns and experiences that could be contributing to your relationship anxiety.14 Working with a therapist can also give you a safe space to work through your anxious feelings and gain more clarity on how to identify and maintain a healthy relationship.
To find a therapist in your area, consider using a directory like Choosing Therapy. You can search based on specialty, price, and experience, or let an expert help you find the right match.
Final Thoughts on Relationship Anxiety
If you are struggling with the effects of anxiety in a relationship, remember, you are not alone. While your experiences are unique, there are people who understand or want to help. Start by educating yourself on the triggers, signs, and coping mechanisms of relationship anxiety, and then consider letting those people in.
