Relationship anxiety is a feeling of worry or insecurity that arises when you’re in a romantic relationship. It can look like constant doubt about your partner’s feelings, fear of rejection, or an excessive need for reassurance. It’s important to know that relationship anxiety can affect anyone, and experiencing it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a bad relationship. Often, these feelings stem from past experiences, attachment issues, or low self-esteem.
While it’s normal to have occasional doubts, persistent anxiety can strain relationships and impact your overall mental and emotional health. The good news is there are steps you can take to cope and even overcome relationship anxiety. You can build a stronger, more secure relationship by building self-confidence, openly communicating with your partner, and challenging your negative thoughts and feelings.
Would You Like to Have Less Anxiety?
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What Is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is a constant feeling of insecurity, nervousness, or worry that comes up when you are in a relationship. It can manifest as doubts about your partner’s feelings, a fear of being dumped, or a constant need for reassurance. Past experiences, attachment issues, or even low self-esteem can fuel this anxiety.
Relationship anxiety can start at any point in a relationship. For some, it begins at the very start when uncertainties and fears of rejection are most prominent. For others, it might develop later due to past experiences, attachment issues, or significant changes within the relationship. The timing varies, but it often arises when one feels vulnerable or insecure about the relationship’s stability and future.
Signs of Relationship Anxiety
Many people go through phases in the relationship where they worry a bit more or feel a little insecure, and experiencing it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in a bad relationship. However, relationship anxiety can creep in subtly, causing distress and tension within the partnership. Recognizing these signs is critical for addressing relationship anxiety effectively.
Here are common signs you may be experiencing relationship anxiety:
- Wondering if you matter to your partner: You might frequently question if your partner truly cares about you. You constantly seek their attention or validation or feel unimportant when they spend time with friends or family without you or don’t immediately respond to your messages.
- Looking for constant reassurance from your partner: You repeatedly ask your partner if they love you or if everything is okay between you, even when there’s no indication of a problem. You might also need frequent compliments or affirmations to feel secure in the relationship.
- Worrying your partner is going to break up with you: You continuously worry your partner will “find someone better” or are consistently concerned that your partner will break up with you over insignificant or non-existent reasons. You may spend hours ruminating or talking to your friends and family about the possible signs of your partner wanting out.
- Needing constant reassurance: You find yourself constantly asking for reassurance in the relationship. You may ask your partner if they’re happy in the relationship or if they are still attracted to you.
- Not expressing your needs in the relationship: You struggle to express your needs because you’re fearful that your partner will leave. Healthy relationships need to be built on trust and honesty, and feeling reluctant to share your thoughts can indicate anxiety about the relationship.
- Feeling jealous, even without a cause: You may feel threatened by other people your partner interacts with or picks fights about them being attracted to other people. A lack of trust can fuel jealousy within the relationship.
- Sabotaging the relationship: You might start self-sabotaging by picking fights over small issues or creating distance by canceling plans at the last minute. This can look like pushing your partner away just to see if they will come back or testing their commitment by being overly critical or withdrawing emotionally.
- Consistently wanting to be around your partner: You might feel uneasy or worried when you’re apart, needing to be in constant contact through texts or calls. You feel anxious when they make plans without you or insist on spending all your free time together to feel secure in the relationship.
- Doubting you and your partner’s compatibility: You may start to put more emphasis than necessary on the differences between you and your partner—like having different tastes in music or movies—to the point where you’re spending more time worrying about those small differences than appreciating where you are compatible.
- Overthinking your partner’s words and actions: Maybe your partner prefers to limit public displays of affection or makes a joke about a quirky part of your personality; this may lead you to spend a lot of time reading into their actions and assuming that they don’t actually like you when they probably just have slightly different preferences than you or are just trying to engage or flirt with you.
- Spending more time worrying than enjoying the relationship: It’s perfectly normal to have times of worry or doubt, but if you look back and see that you’re spending more time feeling insecure than happy or fulfilled, this is a clear sign of relationship anxiety.
Options for Anxiety Treatment
Talk Therapy – Get help from a licensed therapist. Betterhelp offers online therapy starting at $60 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Free Assessment
Psychiatry for Anxiety – Looking for anxiety treatment that prioritizes you? Talkiatry can help. Find an in-network psychiatrist you can see online. Get started with our short assessment. Visit Talkiatry
Is Relationship Anxiety Normal?
It’s perfectly normal to have some level of anxiety about relationships. It’s common to experience some level of worry or insecurity in a relationship, especially during the early stages or when facing challenges. However, relationship anxiety becomes a problem when it is severe enough or lasts long enough to impede growth in the relationship or affect other areas of your life.
What Causes Relationship Anxiety?
While some anxiety in relationships is normal, when it becomes persistent and disrupts your well-being, it’s important to explore the root causes. Understanding these underlying factors can help manage your feelings and improve your relationship dynamics.
There can be many underlying causes behind anxiety in relationships, including:
Attachment Style
Attachment styles formed in infancy and childhood play a significant role in how we relate to others as adults.1 For example, if you had inconsistent or unavailable caregivers, you might develop an anxious attachment style, constantly fearing abandonment or rejection in adult relationships. As an adult, an anxious attachment style can lead to relationship anxiety. Someone with an anxious attachment style might frequently worry about their partner’s feelings, need constant reassurance, or fear their partner will leave them. This heightened sensitivity to potential rejection or abandonment can create a cycle of anxiety and insecurity, making it challenging to maintain a healthy and stable relationship.
Previous Relationship Experiences
If you’ve been hurt or betrayed in the past, you might find yourself constantly on guard, expecting the same patterns to repeat. Past relationship experiences create a lens through which you view your current relationship, often magnifying small issues into major concerns. This can cause overanalyzing your partner’s actions, looking for hidden meanings, or even sabotaging the relationship out of fear of being hurt again. Trust issues and a lack of security and confidence in your relationship may arise.
An Unhealthy Partner
An unhealthy partner can make a person’s relationship anxiety worse in numerous ways. For example, a partner with narcissistic tendencies might manipulate situations to always be the center of attention, making you feel undervalued and constantly seeking their approval. Gaslighting, where your partner makes you doubt your reality, can lead to heightened relationship anxiety as you question your perceptions and experiences.
Substance abuse is another behavior that can significantly worsen relationship anxiety. If you’re dating an alcoholic or addict, their unpredictable behavior can create an unstable environment, causing you to feel anxious and insecure. Infidelity, a lack of communication, and controlling or abusive behavior in the relationship are other factors that can intensify relationship anxiety. These behaviors can erode trust and security, leaving you constantly worried and on edge about the relationship’s future.
You might be more likely to experience relationship anxiety if a past partner:
- Ghosted you
- Constantly checked your phone or messages
- Ignored your boundaries
- Guilt tripped you for having hobbies
- Overly criticized your appearance or actions
- Cheated on you or flirted with others right in front of you
- Frequently canceled plans at the last minute
- Gaslighted you
- Created an unstable environment through substance abuse
- Intimidated, threatened, or harmed you
- Isolated you from friends or family
Low Self-Esteem
If you experience low self-esteem, you may have difficulties trusting in your partner and the stability of your relationship. When you doubt your self-worth, you may constantly worry about being good enough for your partner. This insecurity can lead to overanalyzing their actions, seeking constant reassurance, and fearing abandonment. In turn, these behaviors can create a relationship full of anxiety and self-doubt.
Poor Communication
A lack of communication in a relationship can fuel relationship anxiety for some. When you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings or intentions due to infrequent or unclear communication, it leaves room for doubt and insecurity to increase. You might start second-guessing their commitment to you or interpreting their silence as disinterest. The ambiguity of poor communication can result in a constant state of worry.
Anxiety Disorders
Anxiety disorders have been associated with relationship distress.2 For those with anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder, constant worry and fear about various aspects of life often extend to relationships, making it hard to trust and feel secure. Individuals with separation anxiety in relationships may find it extremely distressing to be away from their partner, leading to what can be perceived as clinginess and an overwhelming fear of abandonment.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), particularly relationship OCD, can also cause relationship anxiety. Relationship OCD involves obsessive doubts and fears about the relationship’s quality, the partner’s fidelity, or one’s own feelings. These intrusive thoughts can lead to compulsive behaviors, like seeking constant reassurance or excessively analyzing the partner’s actions. This can place immense pressure on both individuals, potentially harming the relationship’s stability and emotional health.
A Tendency to Question
Some people struggle with being afraid to make the wrong choices in life, and in some cases, this fear can cause relationship anxiety. These individuals constantly worry about whether they’ve chosen the right partner or if they’re making the right decisions within the relationship. This indecision and fear can create stress, making it difficult to commit and enjoy the relationship fully.
Effects of Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety can significantly impact both the individual experiencing the anxiety and their partner. For the person experiencing the relationship anxiety, it often means constant worry, self-doubt, and stress, which can affect their mental, emotional, and even physical health. They may feel insecure, leading to behaviors like seeking constant reassurance or doubting the relationship’s stability, which can be exhausting and overwhelming.
For the partner, dealing with the relationship anxiety can be equally challenging. They might feel pressured to constantly validate their partner’s feelings and fears, leading to frustration and relationship burnout. This dynamic can strain the relationship, making it difficult for both individuals to feel secure and satisfied. Over time, these issues can erode trust and emotional intimacy, creating a cycle of anxiety and tension.
How to Deal With Relationship Anxiety
Effectively coping with your relationship anxiety often begins with understanding any underlying anxiety you may have by working with a licensed therapist as a guide. It’s also important to be open and honest with your partner, who may be able to help calm your anxiety and make you feel more secure.
Here are eleven tips and some worksheets for dealing with relationship anxiety in a healthy way:
1. Identify What Is Driving Your Anxiety
You do not have relationship anxiety for no reason. Is it fear? Low self-esteem? Lack of confidence? Shame? Assessing the root of your anxiety and drawing connections to previous experiences or how you were raised can increase your awareness. Once you have identified the cause, you can begin to heal the part of you and get rid of your anxiety in relationships.3
2. Recognize That Your Feelings Are Valid, but Thoughts Aren’t Always Facts
Relationship anxiety often whispers negative thoughts like “They’re going to leave me” or “I’m not good enough.” It is important to simultaneously acknowledge the feelings that come up while challenging these cognitive distortions with evidence and logic. Try reframing your negative thoughts in a more positive light. For example, when having the thought, “They’re going to leave me,” ask yourself, “Is this thought based on reality, or am I being overly critical?” Focus on your strengths and positive qualities.
Cognitive Restructuring for Anxiety Worksheet
You can recognize unhealthy thought patterns that are causing you increased anxiety by practicing cognitive restructuring.
3. Be Honest About What You’re Feeling
While you may not want to express your feelings at the height of anxiety, letting your partner know what you are experiencing is important. A lack of communication can hurt your relationship, whereas healthy communication enhances and deepens your relationship. In addition to communicating with your partner, you can let your trusted people know what you are experiencing. They can provide the support you need when tackling your relationship anxiety.
4. Practice Active Listening
Give your partner your full attention by actively listening when they speak. Ask clarifying questions to understand their perspective, and paraphrase what they’ve said to confirm your understanding. Active listening can help you avoid jumping to conclusions, which typically fuels your relationship anxiety.
5. Use Self-Soothing Techniques When Anxiety Levels Rise
Many times, anxiety can be accompanied by physical reactions, including rapid heart rate, chest tightness, or lightheadedness.4 Practice calming exercises for anxiety can help you when you are spiraling. Deep breathing, guided meditation, body scans, yoga, or doing an activity that focuses on one of your five senses are all great ways to self-soothe.
6. Work on Building Trust With Supportive People
While it may be difficult, building trust in relationships is essential for maintaining healthy connections. Trust grows when both partners are transparent about their feelings, needs, and intentions, as well as keeping promises and being dependable. Trust isn’t built overnight; it comes through time and experiences, as well as consistent, practiced behaviors.5
7. Address Conflict or Differences of Opinion
Not addressing relationship conflict can lead to resentment and the breakdown of the relationship. While conflict is unavoidable, it’s important to manage and deal with it in a healthy way. It may be difficult to express yourself, but start by focusing on using “I” statements and taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.
8. Focus on Yourself
Maintaining healthy habits and practicing all types of self-care can help reduce your overall stress, which can then reduce your relationship anxiety. Exercise daily to combat anxiety, and focus on your sleep hygiene and diet. These activities can improve your overall well-being and resilience to stress and anxiety. It is also important to maintain your individuality. Spend time cultivating your own interests and hobbies, as well as your own friendship circles. Having a fulfilling life outside the relationship will strengthen your sense of self-worth.
Self-Care Inventory Worksheet
Take an inventory of self-care activities you do well, explore new self-care activities and find potential opportunities to feel better.
9. Express Appreciation
Rather than focusing on the issues within the relationship (which will only increase anxiety) express gratitude for what is working. Gratitude can improve positivity and increase your emotional connection. Write down the positive aspects of your relationships and what you’re grateful for, acknowledging the role that others have had in your story.
10. Set Boundaries Around Unhealthy Behaviors
Relationship anxiety can lead to a lot of unhealthy behaviors, such as obsessively seeking reassurance, clinging to your partner at all times, looking through their phone, or picking fights. It is important to set boundaries around these behaviors. Establish healthy boundaries to ensure that both you and your partner are on the same page, taking care of your own needs and not overly relying on each other. If you are still struggling, don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist.
How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet
Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.
11. Go to Therapy to Process Your Thoughts & Feelings
Therapy for anxiety is a great way to dig deeper and uncover some of the negative thought patterns and experiences that could be contributing to your relationship anxiety.6 A therapist can also help you develop coping skills for your anxiety and improve your communication skills. In addition to individual therapy, you may wish to explore couples therapy if your relationship anxiety has begun to impact your partner.
How to Find Professional Support
There is no shame in experiencing this kind of anxiety, and sometimes, the first step to healing is simply telling your truth and asking for help. To find the right therapist in your area, use a local therapist directory to connect with a therapist who takes your insurance. Alternatively, online therapy services like Talkspace can match you with an experienced therapist who offers virtual therapy. Talkspace provides couples therapy and individual therapy, making it an excellent option if you wish to explore both simultaneously.
Relationship Anxiety at the Beginning Vs. Further Along in the Relationship
At the beginning of a relationship, relationship anxiety often stems from uncertainty and the fear of rejection. You might worry about making a good impression, whether your partner likes you as much as you like them, or if the relationship will last. This initial anxiety can lead to seeking reassurance and overthinking in the relationship. Building trust and fostering open, honest conversations can often help manage and alleviate these anxieties.
Further along in a relationship, anxiety can be influenced by deeper issues like attachment styles, past experiences, and unresolved conflicts. The effects might include constant, intrusive worry about the relationship’s future or intense fear of abandonment. Handling anxiety later in a relationship often involves more in-depth communication and addressing underlying issues altogether. While initial relationship anxiety may benefit from therapy, issues causing anxiety further along in a relationship may especially benefit from therapy.
In My Experience
“If you are struggling with the effects of anxiety in a relationship, remember you are not alone. While your experiences are unique, there are people who understand or want to help. Start by educating yourself on the triggers, signs, and coping mechanisms of relationship anxiety, and then consider letting those people in.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Why Do I Feel Uneasy in My Relationship?
Feeling uneasy in your relationship can be the result of various factors, such as unresolved past traumas, attachment styles, or mismatched expectations. It might also be due to a lack of communication, low self-esteem, or an unhealthy dynamic with your partner. It’s important to reflect on your feelings and consider seeking professional help to explore and address the underlying causes of your unease, promoting a healthier, more secure connection.
How Long Does Relationship Anxiety Last?
The duration of relationship anxiety varies widely from person to person and depends on factors like the root cause, individual coping mechanisms, and the quality of communication between partners. It might be temporary, especially if addressed early with healthy communication and self-awareness, or it could persist longer if underlying issues remain unresolved. Seeking therapy can help understand and manage relationship anxiety.
Relationship Anxiety Infographics
Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Kain, K. L. & Terrell, S. J. (2018). Nurturing resilience: Helping clients move forward from developmental trauma: An integrative somatic approach. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
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Zaider, T. I., Heimberg, R. G., & Iida, M. (2010). Anxiety disorders and intimate relationships: a study of daily processes in couples. Journal of abnormal psychology, 119(1), 163–173. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018473
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Nami. (2024, February 7). Why Self-Esteem is important for mental health. NAMI. https://www.nami.org/family-member-caregivers/why-self-esteem-is-important-for-mental-health/
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Anxiety disorders. (n.d.). National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders
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The role and importance of Building Trust (Research). (n.d.). Department of Agricultural Economics, Sociology, and Education. https://aese.psu.edu/research/centers/cecd/engagement-toolbox/role-importance-of-building-trust
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Bandelow, B., Michaelis, S., & Wedekind, D. (2017). Treatment of anxiety disorders. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 19(2), 93–107. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2017.19.2/bbandelow
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Bandelow, B., Michaelis, S., & Wedekind, D. (2017). Treatment of Anxiety Disorders. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 93-107.
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Author: Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Revised sections titled “What Is Relationship Anxiety?” “Signs of Relationship Anxiety,” and “What Causes Relationship Anxiety?” Added sections titled “Is Relationship Anxiety Normal?” “Relationship Anxiety at the Beginning Vs. Further Along in the Relationship,” and “FAQs.” New content written by Amanda Stretcher, MA, LPC-S, and medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD. Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW
Reviewer: Rajy Abulhosn, MD
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