Learning how to say no can be a challenging task, but it’s one of the most important skills for setting boundaries and honoring your own unique needs in life. While “no” on it’s own is a complete sentence, there are additional and alternative ways to firmly turn people down, respecting both yourself and your relationships.
Why Can’t I Say No?
Many people struggle with saying no because they don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. Rejection feels scary, and we tend to try and avoid it at all costs. Furthermore, it’s common to grow up learning to please others, keep peace, and be a “good person” above all else. These messages reinforce poor boundaries and create problems with saying no.
Some signs that you struggle to say no include the following:
- Procrastinating turning down events that you know you don’t want to attend
- Saying yes, but giving minimal effort to the task
- Saying yes, but resenting the other person for asking
- Saying yes, but resenting yourself for doing so
- Feeling immense guilt whenever you say no
- Setting boundaries and frequently retracting or changing them based on other people
- Being passive-aggressive when things don’t go your way
- Insisting that you’re low-maintenance and willing to “go with the flow” at all times
- Believing that people who set boundaries are cruel or domineering
Of course, you can just say “no” when asked to do something you don’t want to do. That should always be always enough. However, depending on the particular circumstances, the single-word approach may not always feel appropriate. Fortunately, you can use many alternatives to decline a request. It’s important to learn these methods and practice them on a regular basis.
How to Say No to Friends
1. “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to attend.”
If a friend invites you to a specific event that you can’t (or don’t want to) attend, you can blend compassion with assertiveness in saying no. By thanking them, you acknowledge your gratitude for your relationship. But by promptly saying no, you don’t leave them hanging about whether or not you’ll be there.
2. “That’s not something I’m comfortable doing. Can we try ____ instead?”
If a friend asks you to do something that feels unsafe, dangerous, or against your values, it’s important to say no. However, by offering an alternative suggestion, you allow for a potential compromise.
3. “I had a bad experience in the past, so I won’t be doing that again.”
You can set a clear boundary when you share your candid response to why you don’t want to do something. Indicating that you had a negative experience in the past can get the point across.
4. “I’m trying to save money right now. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help with that.”
It’s not a surprise that money can be a touchy subject for even the closest of friendships. Research shows that more than one-third of people who loaned a friend or family member cash had a negative experience.1 As such, financial boundaries are an essential part of a healthy relationship. If you can’t afford something, it’s okay to say so. You can also offer a cheaper or free alternative if needed.
How to Say No at Work
5. “I am available between these hours only. Can we do it then?”
We live in a world where many bosses and colleagues expect employees to have round-the-clock availability.2 This new norm can be exhausting, and it also makes setting boundaries challenging. Set and express when you are available. You can also model your work-life balance by specifying exactly when you’re available. Just make sure you stick with it!
6. “I am not sure how to do that. Why don’t you ask ___?”
While it’s reasonable to want to help colleagues, you’re not an expert at everything. If you don’t know how to do something, be honest about it. You can also refer them to someone who might have more insight into the situation.
7. “Now isn’t a good time for this. When can we reschedule?”
If you’re always available, it’s easy for supervisors, colleagues, or clients to take advantage of your time. As a result, it’s much harder for you to focus and get your work done. Get in the habit of closing your door, only checking email at certain times, and gently letting people know that you’re busy. By offering them a chance to reschedule, you can both make room in your schedules.
How to Say No to Your Kids
8. “No, you can’t do that because _____.”
As a parent, it’s your responsibility to set healthy limits for your children. Many times, these limits will include telling your child no. That said, it’s essential to provide an explanation. For example: “No, you can’t have cookies for dinner because we need to eat some protein and vegetables.”
Just remember that “because I said so,” isn’t a good reason. Children deserve an age-appropriate response as to why they can’t do something. Even if they disagree with your answer, your refusal creates an opportunity for awareness and learning.
9. “No, but here are some other choices. Which one would you prefer?”
Kids benefit from autonomy, and they like feeling like they have some control in their lives. Giving them the freedom to choose reinforces problem-solving skills and can position them for future success.3
For example, if your toddler wants to wear pajamas to daycare, you can offer them their green shirt or red shirt instead. If your child wants an expensive gift you can’t afford, you can provide them with an assortment of gifts within your budget.
10. “I know you can do it! Try it on your own first. I will watch you.”
If you’re trying to foster healthy self-esteem for your children, it’s important to cultivate their independence. If your child asks you to do something, it’s okay to turn down their request and instead offer to watch or help them as needed. This boundary shows that you believe in their skills and that you are still there for them if they need support.
11. “I know you don’t like my answer. It’s okay to be sad or angry. I still love you.”
When interacting with your children, it’s essential to validate their emotions. A parent’s perception and recognition of their child’s emotion can be a profound force in social development.4
When you must say no to your child, it’s important to recognize how they might feel. Don’t tell them they’re overreacting, and don’t make comments like: “This isn’t something worth getting upset over.” Although they may seem harmless, these kinds of messages can lead to children doubting their own internal experiences and perpetuating shame.
12. “We can try that on (this date). What would you like to do now instead?”
Instead of saying no directly, you can tell your child that you are willing to postpone the activity for another time. This gives them something to look forward to. It also encourages them to think creatively about alternative options for now. Just make sure that you commit to your word. Consistency and reliability are essential for maintaining your child’s trust.
How to Say No to a Spouse/Relationship Partner
13. “I don’t want to do this right now.”
Saying no can be tricky if your partner wants to do something that you don’t feel comfortable or safe doing. Sometimes, this can happen with sex, but it also occurs in other contexts, like spending time with certain friends or trying a new activity. It’s okay to make compromises and do things to make your partner happy. With that in mind, you should never jeopardize your values for the sake of keeping the peace.
14. “That isn’t okay for me. How about we try ____?”
Healthy relationships require a mutual level of respect and responsiveness.5 It’s important that you do your best to be open and upfront about your needs. Remember that even if you two are very close, your partner can’t read your mind. Appeasing them without considering what you want can lead to short-term and long-term problems.
15. “I have no desire to do that, but I want you to have a good time, and I understand if you want to go alone or go with ____.”
If your partner wants to do something with you, you aren’t obligated to join them just because you’re in a relationship. This boundary may be important to set for social activities, like parties, family gatherings, or certain vacations.
Don’t be surprised if your partner expresses some relief. Sometimes, people feel guilty doing things alone or with another friend. You making that suggestion can help encourage them to pursue what they want.
16. “I’d like to discuss this at a later time. When can we do that?”
Many couples struggle to make large decisions together. For example, you two may be considering moving to a new home, planning a family, or buying a car. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or anxious as you evaluate your options.
It’s important to try to stay on the same page as your partner. If you don’t feel ready to make a decision just yet, ask to postpone the conversation for a later time. This gives you an ability to reflect on your needs.
17. “It’s non-negotiable. It goes against my values.”
Everyone is inherently entitled to their values. Unfortunately, it’s easy to lose sight of them in an intimate relationship. When you assert that a boundary is non-negotiable, you make it clear that you know where you stand with it. There is no room for guessing or compromise. At that point, if your partner cannot respect your decision, you may need to have a serious heart-to-heart discussion.
Other Universal Tips For How To Say No
Depending on how well you know the person and how important the decision is to you, you can try other methods for setting your boundaries.
18. Find Healthy Role Models (People Who Set Boundaries)
Look for the people who stand for what they believe in. How do they assert their needs? What do they say or do when they can’t commit to something? Pay attention to their language and tone. Notice how they carry themselves in the conversation. Finally, make a mental note of how it feels when you’re on the receiving end of their boundary. Chances are, it’s not the end of the world.
19. Try Therapy
Therapy can help strengthen your self-esteem and improve your ability to set boundaries. This may be a great option if you struggle with specific mental hurdles that make saying no feel challenging.
20. Continue to Remind Yourself of the Benefits
When you say no to someone, you can say yes to yourself. Paradoxically, by focusing on your needs, you become a more compassionate and patient person. That’s because you have the mental energy for keeping up with your relationships.
Other benefits of saying no include:
- Frees up more time to focus on really matters to you
- Limits the resentment you have towards other people
- Sets a stage for healthy relationships
- Empowers you to live your life exactly how you want to
How to Politely Say No
It’s perfectly reasonable to be compassionate (and, at times, even a bit apologetic) when turning down specific requests, so you can thank the other person for considering you. When you first begin practicing this boundary, it’s normal to feel uneasy or guilty. These feelings pass with time, and it’s essential that you avoid letting them dictate your decisions.
Some polite, universal lines for saying no include:
- “I can’t do that, but I can ask if ___ can help you.”
- “Thank you for you asking, but I’m swamped at the moment.”
- “I wish I could, but I have plans that day.”
- “I’m not 100% sure yet. Can I let you know by __?”
- “I can’t do that, but I can do ____ for you? Would that work instead?”
- “I appreciate you thinking of me, but that’s just not my thing. We can try ___.”
How Therapy Can Help You Say No
Therapy can cultivate healthier self-esteem and improve the quality of your relationships. Likewise, therapy provides a supportive environment for learning and practicing healthy boundaries. That said, saying no often feels easier said than done. Therapy can help you discover the roadblocks preventing you from setting limits in the first place.
Therapy is an intimate relationship, and your therapist will work hard to understand your feelings and personal experiences. This can be a sacred time to process whatever is on your mind, heal issues from the past, and work through recurrent problems that persistently affect your well-being.
The length of therapy varies depending on your individual treatment needs. Choosing the right therapist is key. You need someone who feels comfortable and safe. You will also benefit from working with someone who makes you feel equally challenged and supported.
Final Thoughts On Saying No
Saying no takes practice. It can feel challenging at first, but if you never say no to others, you’re probably constantly saying no to yourself. That pattern typically exacerbates resentment, low self-esteem, and unequal relationships. This problem may feel unique to you, but you’re not alone. Fortunately, there are many strategies to help you move forward with healthy boundaries, and therapy is one of them.
Additional Resources
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- Online Therapist Directory: Sort therapists by specialty, cost, availability and more. Watch intro videos and see articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online therapy appointment with them directly.
Are you ready to connect with a therapist but feel a little overwhelmed by all your options? Speak with one of Choosing Therapy’s Client Navigators. Client Navigators are mental health professionals who will listen to what you’re looking for in a therapist and help pair you with the best possible fit. Getting started is free, easy, and confidential.
