How to Say No Politely: 19 Helpful Tips

Why Can’t I Say No to People?

Many people struggle with saying no because they do not want to hurt others. Most of us avoid rejection by learning to please others, keep peace, and be a “good person.” In other cases, individuals may feel inadequate or unworthy of expressing their needs by refusing a request.

Of course, you can just say “no” when asked to do something without explanation. However, this single-word approach may not always feel appropriate. Fortunately, you can use many alternatives to decline a request.

Below are possible reasons why you can’t say no to people:

• Your parents taught you to be “respectful” by being polite
• Saying “no” was considered backtalk or disobeying
• You were punished for saying no
• You struggle with self-advocation
• You experience imposter syndrome
• You feel like you have to prove yourself to others
• You don’t want to feel rejected by others
• You prefer avoiding conflict
• Fear of disappointing or letting others down
• Desire for approval and wanting to be liked by others
• Lack of assertiveness skills and difficulty in setting boundaries
• Fear of conflict or confrontation
• Feeling guilty or selfish for prioritizing your needs
• Need for validation and seeking external validation through helping others
• Difficulty in saying no without feeling guilty or selfish
• Fear of being judged or criticized by others
• Fear of losing opportunities or missing out on something
• A habit of always saying yes and not wanting to break that pattern

When Is Saying No Okay?

Saying no is essential for maintaining healthy boundaries and preserving your own well-being. Saying no can be appropriate when feeling overworked, experiencing burnout, or struggling with resources. You can also (and should) refuse a favor or request when you feel uncomfortable.

Saying no should be a conscious decision that reflects your goals and priorities. Recognize that saying no does not make you a bad person, and prioritizing your health and comfort should not upset others. In fact, learning to say no can be empowering and lead to better self-esteem and relationships in the long run.

Possible reasons for saying no include:

• Lack of availability: Sometimes, you simply do not have the time or resources to fulfill a request, and saying no is necessary to avoid overextending yourself and maintain a healthy work-life balance.
• Prioritizing self-care: Prioritizing physical, emotional, and mental well-being is a necessary part of life. Saying no allows you to take care of yourself and prevent burnout.
• Incompatibility with your values: Saying no is important to maintain your integrity and authenticity if a request goes against your personal values or beliefs.
• Already committed or overbooked: Avoid double-booking yourself when you have prior commitments by saying no.
• Not the right fit: Some requests require specific skills, expertise, or interest. Being honest and saying no upfront can help reduce the risk of complications or burnout.

Why Learning to Say No Is Important

Saying no is a way to set boundaries and prioritize your needs. Being respectful and considerate when declining a request can be difficult, but do not hesitate to assert yourself when necessary. Remember, saying no is not selfish or mean.

Here are reasons why learning how to say no is important:

• Maintaining balance: Learning to say no helps you maintain a healthy balance in your personal and professional life.
• Preserving mental health: Saying no when you feel overwhelmed or stretched too thin can reduce stress, anxiety, and burnout by preventing you from taking on too much.
• Setting boundaries: Saying no communicates your limits and helps establish what is and is not acceptable, helping to foster healthier relationships.
• Respecting your time and energy: You honor your time and energy by saying no. You can better allocate your resources to tasks and activities that truly matter to you.
• Empowering yourself: Learning to say no empowers you to take control of your life and make choices that align with your values rather than constantly bending to the will of others.
• Honoring personal priorities: Saying no offers the freedom to invest your time and energy in areas that align with your personal growth and aspirations.

How to Say No: 19 Effective Tips

Be clear, direct, and respectful when saying no. Start by acknowledging the request and expressing gratitude (if appropriate). Then, firmly but politely state your decision, offering a concise explanation. Remember to maintain eye contact, use assertive body language, and stay calm and composed throughout the conversation. Practice self-care and prioritize your own well-being, knowing that saying no is a valuable skill in setting boundaries and maintaining balance in your life.

Below are 19 ways to say no politely and nicely:

1. “Thanks For Thinking of Me, But I Can’t Attend.”

Blend compassion with assertiveness when saying no if a friend invites you to an event you cannot (or do not want to) attend. Thanking them for the invite acknowledges your gratitude for your relationship. You also avoid leaving them hanging by providing a prompt and definite answer.

2. “That’s Not Something I’m Comfortable With. Can We Try ____ Instead?”

Saying no is crucial if a friend asks you to do something that feels unsafe, dangerous, or against your values. However, offering an alternative suggestion allows for a potential compromise. Doing so can also protect your friend from harmful situations.

3. “I Had a Bad Experience With This in the Past.”

You can set a clear boundary when you share a candid response about why you refuse to do something. Indicating a negative experience in the past can get your point across while remaining respectful and polite.

4. “I’m Trying to Save Money Right Now.”

Money can be a touchy subject, even in the closest of friendships. Research shows more than one-third of people who loaned a friend or family member cash had a negative experience.¹ As such, financial boundaries are essential in healthy relationships. Saying no is okay if you cannot afford something. You can also offer a cheaper or free alternative.

5. “I Am Available Between These Hours.”

We live in a world where many bosses and colleagues expect employees to have round-the-clock availability.² This new norm can be exhausting, and setting boundaries at work can be challenging. Clearly express when you are and are not available. Doing so helps you remain respectful while preemptively refusing requests, meetings, or favors during “off hours.”

6. “I Am Unsure How to Handle This. Why Don’t You Ask ___?”

Wanting to help friends, family members, and colleagues is normal. However, no one is an expert at everything. Be honest when you do not know how to do something. You can also refer them to someone with more insight into the situation.

7. “Now Is Not a Good Time.”

Supervisors, colleagues, or clients can easily take advantage of you if you are always available. As a result, focusing on your work becomes difficult. Start habits of closing your door, only checking emails at certain times, and gently letting people know you are busy.

8. “No, You Cannot Do This Because ____”

Setting healthy limits for children is your responsibility as a parent. Many times, these rules will include telling your child no. That said, providing an explanation is necessary. For example, you could say, “No, you can’t have cookies for dinner because we need to eat some protein and vegetables.”

Remember, “because I said so” is not a good reason. Children deserve an age-appropriate response as to why they cannot do something. Your refusal creates an opportunity for awareness and learning, even if they disagree with your answer.

9. “This Does Not Work, But Here Are Some Other Choices.”

Kids benefit from autonomy and like having some control in their lives. Giving them the freedom to choose reinforces problem-solving skills and can position them for future success.³

For example, offer your child a green or red shirt if they insist on wearing pajamas to daycare. Or, provide an assortment of gifts within your budget if your child wants an expensive gift you cannot afford.

10. “Give It a Try On Your Own.”

Cultivate independence when fostering and building self-esteem in your child. Turning down a request by offering support is okay when your child asks you to do something they have done in the past. This boundary shows you believe in their skills and are still there for them if they need help.

11. “I Understand How You Feel, But My Answer Stands.”

Validating their emotions is essential when interacting with your children. Parental perception and recognition of emotion can profoundly reinforce social development.⁴ For instance, recognize how your child may feel when they hear you say no. Avoid comments like, “You shouldn’t be upset over this.” Although this phrase may seem harmless, children may learn to doubt their internal experiences. Saying no kindly to your child is as important as doing so to other loved ones or authority figures.

12. “We Can Try That Later. What Would You Like to Do Now Instead?”

Instead of saying no directly, you can tell your others you are willing to postpone an activity for another time. Doing so allows you to say no without feeling guilty and offers the person opportunities to consider alternative options. Just ensure you commit to your word. Consistency and reliability are essential for maintaining trust.

13. “No, I Don’t Want to Do That.”

Saying no can be tricky if your partner wants to do something uncomfortable or against your values. Sometimes, this can happen with sex, spending time with certain friends, or trying a new activity. Making compromises and doing things to make your partner happy are okay. However, never jeopardize your values to keep the peace. Stand your ground and firmly say no when necessary.

14. “Why Don’t We Try ___?”

Suggesting an alternative shows appreciation for the other person while refusing a request. For example, say, “I appreciate your suggestion, but I prefer doing ____. Can we try this instead?” These questions communicate your gratitude for the other person wanting to spend time with you while expressing your decision to decline.

15. “I Don’t Want to Do That, But ____ Might.”

You are not obligated to join activities or plans because you are in a relationship with someone. For example, attending parties, family gatherings, or vacations just to appease your partner will not be sustainable in the long term.

Instead, consider suggesting other people who may enjoy an activity. You can say, “Have you asked ___ if they want to go?” These questions can help encourage your partner to pursue what they want while allowing you to keep your peace.

16. “This Is Non-Negotionable & Goes Against My Values.”

Everyone is inherently entitled to their values. Unfortunately, losing sight of them in an intimate relationship can be easy. Asserting a non-negotiable boundary makes your stance on a subject clear and firm, leaving little room for guessing or compromise. At that point, you may need to have a serious heart-to-heart discussion if your partner cannot respect your decision.

17. “I’m Swamped at the Moment.”

Saying, “I’m sorry, but I’m too busy with tasks at the moment,” is one way to tell someone no nicely over text, via email, or in person. Expressing your apologies and providing a genuine reason for your inability to fulfill the request allows you to remain considerate and respectful.

18. “I Wish I Could, But I Have Plans.”

Explaining you have prior engagements can be one of the nicest ways to say no. You can say, “I wish I could, but I already have plans for that time. Thank you for thinking of me, though.” You do not have to provide excessive details, and the other person will clearly understand the reasoning behind your decision. Appreciating their request also means you can decline the invitation without outright rejecting the person.

19. “No, Thank You. But I Hope You Have a Good Time.”

Offering an empathetic and kind response is important when you want to say no without hurting someone’s feelings. For example, “No, thank you, but I hope you have a good time” shows you appreciate the invitation and express goodwill toward the person. Focusing on the positive and wishing them well can soften the impact of your refusal.

How to Practice Saying No

Practicing saying no can be helpful if the skill does not come naturally to you. The first step is recognizing and acknowledging that saying no is necessary for establishing boundaries, setting priorities, and maintaining your well-being. Then, start with small requests or situations where declining is easier without feeling guilty, such as turning down an RSVP for an event or opting out of a team project.

Asking yourself key questions beforehand can help you formulate how to say no, such as “Does this align with my goals?” or “Do I have the capacity to fulfill this request?” Aim to be direct, polite, and firm when the time comes to respond. You can thank the person for their invitation or suggestion but also express a clear and decisive no.

Learning to politely say no is a valuable tool that benefits yourself and others. By being honest and respectful in your communication, you can build stronger relationships and feel more confident in your decisions.

Here are some tips for learning to say no:

• Take your time making a decision: Asking for time to consider a request before responding is okay. Doing so allows you to evaluate your priorities and commitments before answering.
• Be respectful and considerate: Maintain a respectful and empathetic demeanor, even when refusing a request.
• Stand your ground: Stick to your decision and resist the urge to apologize excessively or over-explain. Remember, you have the right to prioritize your needs and well-being.
• Rehearse ahead of time: Practice saying no in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. You can refine your delivery, maintain composure, and build confidence.
• Offer alternative solutions, if possible: Consider suggesting an alternative if you cannot fulfill a request. You show the other person your willingness to help within your means.
• Use “I” statements: Express your decision using “I” statements instead of accusatory language to keep the focus on your boundaries and prevent unnecessary misunderstandings.
• Set clear boundaries: Establish and communicate your boundaries in advance so others know your limitations. This proactive approach can reduce the frequency of requests that require you to say no.

How Therapy Can Help You Say No

Therapy can cultivate healthier self-esteem and target an inability to say no. Learning to say no is part of improving your relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. Likewise, therapy provides a supportive environment to discover the roadblocks preventing you from setting limits with others.

Therapy is an intimate relationship. A therapist will work hard to understand your feelings and personal experiences as you process whatever is on your mind, heal past issues, and work through recurrent problems in your life. As you explore other ways to say no, you can also benefit from working with someone who challenges, supports, and validates you.

Choosing the right therapist, counselor, or psychologist is essential. You need someone who feels comfortable and safe. You can look for providers in an online therapist directory or ask your primary care provider for recommendations. Yes, learning to say no can be challenging, but help is available as you develop assertiveness and self-advocacy.