Building Self Esteem in a Child: Why It’s Important & 15 Ways To Help

How Will I Know When My Child’s Self-Esteem Is Low?

Self-esteem is your own perception of how you feel about yourself, but is often developed and shaped by experiences throughout one’s lifetime. As a child, self-esteem can be developed by struggling, and quite possibly even making mistakes, when trying something new.¹

Common warning signs of low self-esteem in a child could include:

• Isolation from others (both adults and peers)
• School-resistance (assignments, attendance, participation, etc.)
• Overly emotional or reactive
• Easy to get upset
• Fear of trying new things
• Loss of motivation
• Somatic symptoms (stomach hurting, headache, etc.)
• Negative self-talk
• Comparing self to others

You may notice when there’s a problem from some of the warning signs listed above, but it’s not a cause for worry or panic. Observe when your child starts to present with some of these warning signs and what is going on in those moments. Noticing what is happening in the moment helps you understand where your child’s self-esteem may feel the most threatened—whether it is at school, with peers, or at home.

Have honest and open conversations, inviting your child to talk about how they feel about themselves and reminding them that they are loved no matter what. This is a key factor in fostering healthy levels of self-esteem and self-worth.

Why Is Self-Confidence Important in Child Development?

Self-esteem fosters resilience and the ability to pivot when necessary, responding to change and difficult circumstances with grace and optimism.² It is especially important for children to develop self-esteem, as this allows them to engage in healthy relationships, step out of their comfort zone, and challenge themselves with ambition.

Self-concept develops in the early stages of life, as babies learn from how people respond to them and see them. As children age, their innate yearning for independence grows stronger and stronger. With this may come your “Terrible Twos” or the era of the “Three-nager” and so on, but parents need to learn to separate their child’s inherent worth from their behavior.⁴ It can be helpful to understand the core concepts of social and emotional learning to better promote this sense of self concept in your child. Additionally, you should encourage their independence as much as possible, because this allows for opportunities to reach small goals and leave children feeling good about themselves.

Children are like sponges, constantly watching and absorbing life around them. As a parent or guardian, be mindful of your own levels of self-esteem and how you view yourself. When children watch you glare at the mirror in disgust, or say negative things aloud about yourself, they will begin to mirror those behaviors for themselves. You want to create an environment for your child built on unconditional love, so the ways you speak about them, yourself, and others all build their self-concept.⁵

What Causes Low Self-Esteem in Childhood?

Low self-esteem can begin in childhood for a variety of reasons, including too much negative or positive feedback, bullying, incidents of trauma or adverse childhood experiences, and consistent low grades with little support.

Here are a few known causes of low-self esteem in children: 

• Too much praise: While most people might believe praise to be a good thing, research demonstrates that children who are praised for their abilities often experience a blow to their confidence in themselves when they make a mistake, as they see it as a direct reflection of their capabilities. However, parents who provide moderate amounts of praise and focus on effort-based encouragement help children to adopt a growth mindset, where mistakes can be fixed with more, or different, effort.¹⁰
• Too much negative feedback: Ongoing harsh criticism can cause low self-esteem in children. One study suggests that parents tend to criticize their children three times more often than they offer praise, and that parents underestimate how much they criticize their children.¹¹
• Peer victimization: When a child experiences bullying, it can cause lasting impacts on their self-esteem. This can often lead to a vicious cycle in which the child’s low self-esteem makes them vulnerable to be victimized by bullies again in the future.¹²
• Academic stress or consistent low grades: Having trouble keeping up at school can significantly impact a child’s confidence and view of themselves.
• Trauma: Experiencing trauma in childhood, like abuse or even parental divorce, can lead to low self-esteem.¹⁴

How to Build Self-Esteem in Children

There is a lot you can do to bolster your child’s self-esteem and confidence. Make sure to give them opportunities to be self-reliant and be mindful of the language you use toward and around your children.

Here are 15 tips for how to build a child’s self-esteem:

1. Model Confidence & Self-Esteem Yourself

Children are always carefully observing the important adults in their life. Modeling is a powerful tool, and an opportunity to be more mindful of the words you say about yourself in front of your child, and the way you treat yourself with kindness and care. Taking care of your body and mind, speaking to and about yourself with gentleness and kindness, and having the confidence to make mistakes with grace can help your child learn to do the same. Becoming more aware of your own confidence and self-esteem issues, and working to resolve them, is an important first step in helping your child boost their self-esteem.

2. Offer Mindful, Positive Attention

Children crave their parents’ attention, so if they don’t get attention from positive behavior they will likely resort to negative behaviors.⁵ Become aware of the type of attention you’re giving your children. Share your time and positive attention by sitting next to them, smiling when they enter a room, and offering a hug.⁵ Reflect on the type of attention that you’re giving—is it mindful or rushed?

Giving mindful attention can be challenging when working from home or spending what feels like every waking second taking care of your children. If you know you have a few work calls or chores to get done around the house, explain to them how much you want to spend time with them, and decide together what you can do as soon as you’re finished with the task. This shows your child that they’re not being forgotten about or chosen over boring work. Help them choose an activity that can be done without much supervision while you get your work done. Set a realistic expectation for your child and the amount of time they’re willing to wait without getting frustrated—after all, you need breaks from working too!

3. Allow Your Child to Make Their Own Choices When They Can

Respect is a great way to instill feelings of self-worth in your child. Offer choices whenever possible, and more importantly, respect their decision.⁴ As you allow your child to decide on what they want, this helps them feel confident and, in turn, make for confident leaders of tomorrow.

4. Explain Your Reasoning When Establishing a Rule

When you take the time to explain reasons behind certain decisions or rules, rather than answering them with a full stop, like, “That’s just how it is,” or, “I make the rules,” this helps your child understand the reasoning behind the functioning of the world. Yes, some rules may be harder to explain because you may not even know why. That’s okay, you can share your thoughts and feelings and help them understand it with you.

5. Explore Emotions Together

The sooner a child begins to understand and learn about their emotions, the sooner they can express themselves. You can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you act on your feelings.⁷ Children are not born with emotional regulation, and as their parent you have to share that it is okay to feel sad or angry sometimes. You can even share age-appropriate stories of times when you felt sad or angry. Disney’s Inside Out is a great movie to help get the conversation started.

6. Be Mindful of Your Words & Actions

The way you respect and praise your child matters. Make eye contact and make sure your child sees your delight, enthusiasm, and pride in your face and through your words.⁷ When you cultivate an environment that is supportive of your child, this shows them that you are present and engaged in what you are sharing with them.

7. Involve Your Children in Household Tasks

Take time to show them how to do certain things, despite the potential mess. When you teach kids how to do things, this gives them a chance to learn and feel proud of themselves.⁸ When you’re a good role model for your children, and put effort into mundane everyday tasks, your child learns to put effort into their own less favorable activities.

At a certain age, children are excited to help you and want to be involved. The more you encourage this, the more it continues as they grow older. Stirring ingredients for dinner, sweeping, even helping to carry light things into the house can be small ways that your child can help and feel proud of the accomplishment. Don’t forget to give them specific praise of how well they executed the task.

8. Give Them Opportunities for Independence & Risk

You want to encourage children to be as independent as they can be, and as a parent or caregiver you should try to allow children to have opportunities where they are the ones in control. Harboring a sense of control helps a child feel empowered and gain competence, therefore feeling good about themselves.

The more opportunities that children have to achieve competence and feel good about themselves, the higher chance of success in adulthood.⁴ As a parent, provide your child with challenges that are not too difficult or way above skill level. Encourage them to practice and try things more than once. Use plenty of creative activities that support self-expression. Allow your child to interact with similar-aged peers and help them to find ways to connect and build friendships.

9. Help Them See Mistakes or Failures as Learning Opportunities

Opportunities are also a great way to reframe when your child makes a mistake and helps them learn from their blunders. You can reframe mistakes using the “Three Rs”: Recognize, reconcile, and resolve. This teaches children ways to shift from focusing on their mistakes to moving forward by finding solutions or what to do differently in the future.⁹

10. Encourage Them to Create & Show Off Their Work

Encouraging your child to get creative can help them to find an outlet for processing their ideas and feelings, whether it be painting, writing, photography, or another creative endeavor. Creativity can increase confidence as your child takes risks to make something new, and sharing their work can also provide an opportunity for them to receive positive feedback and a much-needed confidence boost. Remember, try to use effort-based praise in order to help your child feel proud of the work they put into their creation.

11. Monitor Their Technology Use

Technology, when used effectively, can actually serve to increase your child’s self-esteem as they master challenging tasks in a digital format. On the other hand, however, technology holds many potential pitfalls for your child’s self-esteem. Social comparison can negatively impact how your child views themselves, in relation to how their peers present themselves online.¹⁶ Cyberbullying is also on the rise, and can cause significant, lasting damage to your child’s self-esteem. Monitoring their technology use is a simple step that can have a big impact on your child.

Collaborating with your child to find helpful ways to use technology, encouraging them to make good use of their screen time, and modeling how to make thoughtful decisions about how to interact online can all mitigate the negative effects of technology use and increase their confidence.¹⁵

12. Provide Detailed, Specific Praise & Recognition

Praise is one of the most common and effective ways to build childrens’ self-esteem, however, there must be limits. Be specific in the praise of your children, as opposed to telling them they did a “good job.” Hearing a general, “good job” without detailed recognition loses its impact rather quickly.² Always remember that honest recognition and sincere praise is authentic and comes from the heart, drawing attention to something specific the child has done.

Children may begin to depend on this generalized praise and enthusiasm so that it becomes difficult to find motivation without it.¹ Generalized praise, such as “Good job!” or “You’re incredible!” does not highlight the child’s capabilities, and self-doubt may start to creep in.¹ Research has shown that when raised with generalized praise, children that score low on self-esteem tend to choose easier tasks over more challenging ones.³

13. Help Them Set & Achieve Reasonable, Age-Appropriate Goals

Helping your child set reasonable, age-appropriate goals can provide a valuable opportunity for them to achieve some success that they are sure to feel good about. Taking control of their own goal-setting can motivate them to work hard to achieve what they are aiming for, and every accomplishment along the way supports their self-esteem. Encouraging your child to create goals that are strengths-based and realistic, specific and measurable, can set them up for success.

14. Allow Your Child to Overhear You Complimenting Them to Another Adult

Giving your child a sincere compliment in front of another adult can help them to feel seen and appreciated, and boost their self-esteem. Being brief, but genuine makes the greatest impact, as does being specific in your praise. Cite an instance in which your child shared a favorite toy with their brother, for example, rather than broadly saying how much they love to share. What you believe about your child is what they will come to believe about themselves, so let them hear your compliments because they will become your child’s inner voice.

15. Offer Unconditional Love

Your love is not determined or defined by how successful or athletic your child is, and certainly not by how they’re making you feel at a given moment. It’s not about what your child does, it’s about who they are.² With this reminder, children develop self-love and, in turn, develop self-esteem.

Parents should reassure their children that they are loved, even when setting boundaries or helping their child understand what they did wrong.⁶ Explaining to a child what was wrong about their behavior and reinforcing an appropriate consequence, helps keep the child from internalizing the feelings that they, themselves, are bad. At the end of the day, remind your children that no matter what, you love them.