People pleasers are those who seek to keep the peace and meet the emotional needs and demands of others, typically at the detriment of themselves and their own needs. This behavior often develops as a maladaptive coping mechanism in the face of relational trauma, anxiety, or low self esteem. Someone who people pleases might struggle with setting interpersonal boundaries, apologize for things that do not warrant remorse, and be unable to identify and voice their own needs.
If this resonates, and you would like to learn how to mitigate these behaviors, the good news is that there are many resources available to aid and empower you on this journey.
General Books on People Pleasing
These general guides will help you learn more about where people pleasing behavior comes from, understand more about yourself, and learn how to set boundaries.
1. Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free by Terri Cole
In this book Cole calls you to get to know yourself fully so you can express yourself authentically. She guides you through the process of learning and knowing your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers—because boundaries can only serve their purpose if we are able to communicate them clearly and concisely.
Geared toward all of those who struggle with the “disease to please,”Boundary Boss is filled with practical techniques and strategies that will help you align your choices and boundaries with the authentic truth of who you are. Cole will empower you to exercise your personal agency in a way that feels most in tune with the core of who you are. The goal of this book, as stated by the author, is to “deliver a step by step process to free you from the deeply embedded, self-sabotaging patterns keeping you stuck so you can finally create real, sustainable change. One right action at a time.”
2. When It’s Never About You: The People-Pleaser’s Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom by Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D.
This book is for the person who finds themselves existing solely to satisfy the desires and needs of others, and sacrificing their own well-being as a result. Dr. Cohen poses the question, “Are you ready to put less ‘YES’ and more ‘YOU’ in your life?” She teaches the reader how to reclaim a grounded and solid sense of self while maintaining compassion and kindness for those around you. There are also tools to help take you from selfless to what Cohen calls “self-full.”
Readers have raved over the approachable tone of Cohen’s authorship, especially as it’s accompanied by profound wisdom and tangible activities to get the ball rolling as you practice assertiveness and self-assuredness.
3. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
This book explores the question of what healthy boundaries really mean, and how we can learn to have them and hold them in different settings and situations. Grounded in recent research and up-to-date CBT practices, this book will help you recognize and understand your needs and teach you to express them directly without hesitation or apology.
Tawwab also dives into why individuals become people pleasers. Exploring the depths of these behaviors and unraveling their roots in trauma, codependency, abuse, power struggles, stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout.
4. Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
This book is the result of Dr. Aziz’s deep dive into the societal construct of “niceness.” One of the things readers are most captivated by is the engaging and vulnerable tone of the writing. The goal of the book is to help liberate the most authentic, bold, and assertive version of yourself. Gazipura does this through personal stories, genuine humor, and a general tone of approachability and encouragement.
If you are looking for lighthearted anecdotes, accompanied by tangible action steps, and backed by extensive science then this may be the book for you!
Best Books for People Pleasers in Relationships
Are you seeking to understand how your people pleasing tendencies impact your personal relationships? These books offer deepened understanding and practical approaches to recognizing, acknowledging, and working through the ways that people pleasing impacts how we show up in our interpersonal connections with our loved ones.
5. Stop People Pleasing: Break Free of Approval Addiction, Stop Always Saying Yes, Set Healthy Boundaries and Rediscover the Authentic Version of Yourself by Janis Bryans Psy.D
Bryans is an experienced and accomplished psychotherapist with a specialization in couples and family therapy, so it’s no surprise that her book is an excellent resource for those looking to cultivate healthy interpersonal connections in all of their relationships. In her practice, Janis focuses on helping people build relationships where they feel understood and supported. This book is an extension of that goal. Well written, easy to follow, and equipped with tangible steps to start freeing yourself from the habit of sacrificing your needs to keep the peace—this book is a fantastic addition for anyone seeking to step fully into their authentic truth and cultivate healthier relationships.
6. Setting Boundaries: How to Set Boundaries With Friends, Family, and in Relationships, Be More Assertive, and Start Saying No Without Feeling Guilty by Linda Hill
As a part of Hill’s four book series, “Break Free and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships,” this book focuses specifically on setting and holding boundaries in a specific area of life that many people struggle with: personal relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Short, succinct, and accessible this book has garnered several five star reviews on Amazon for its ability to put such profound wisdom into such a compact and easy to follow format. This book keeps it simple by starting with the definition of boundaries, and equipping the reader with easy-to-apply, actionable steps for applying boundaries in your relationships that protect you from sacrificing your own well being for the sake of “keeping the peace.
7. Know Your Worth: How to build your self-esteem, grow in confidence and worry less about what people think by Anna Mathur
Several reviewers referred to this book as “life changing.” Many of them state that they never had much luck finding the right material to help unlock the mental blocks that were keeping them from being able to shake off the shadows of anxiety and low self esteem. Mathur’s writing style seems to be just what they needed to find a new lens to empower them on their healing journey. Referred to as “down to earth” and “relatable,” the insights provided by Anna in this book are simultaneously enlightening and easy to implement in your own life. With thought provoking questions posed at the end of each chapter, this book provides wisdom and an immediate outlet to determine the ways it applies in your life.
Best Books to Stop People Pleasing at Work
Perhaps you notice that your people pleasing behaviors harm you the most in professional settings. If that is the case, then you might enjoy what these books that offer easy to follow descriptions of passiveness in the workplace and actionable steps to build assertiveness in those settings have to offer.
8. Girl On Fire: How to Choose Yourself, Burn the Rule Book, and Blaze Your Own Trail in Life and Business by Cara Alwill Leyba
Referred to by one reviewer as a “quick read with a mighty punch,” this book has made quite an impression on women everywhere. Leyba encourages her readers to take actions, stop living a “less than” life, and start living boldly and fully for themselves. With personal anecdotes about struggles and successes, accompanied by real-world advice about assertiveness and standing your ground in the world of work and entrepreneurship, this book is a great resource for anyone seeking to step into their power and live “on fire.”
9. The Achievement Trap: The Over-Achiever, People-Pleaser, and Perfectionist’s Guide to Freedom and True Success by Brandilyn Tebo
A book designed to help free you from the cycle of perfectionism, and teach you to love yourself beyond your productivity and what you do,The Achievement Trapcontains practical and to-the-point advice without a lot of extra fluff. Described by many readers as “transformative” and “cutting edge” this book empowers you to find validation within so you can stop seeking it externally and over-extending yourself. One of the themes in this book is confronting our society’s fixation on always striving for more—this programming is what Tebo refers to as “The Achievement Trap.”
By letting go of our need to always be doing and achieving more we can free ourselves from the unrealistic desire to be perfect and start living fully as our most authentic selves.
10. The Art of Everyday Assertiveness: Speak Up. Say No. Set Boundaries. Take Back Control. by Patrick King
King’s book is lauded as a concise and to-the-point read that provides information in a digestible and direct way. Full of effective tools for figuring out where your boundaries are currently, what factors have influenced your current state, and explaining why it’s so important to have and hold strong boundaries, this book is a playbook for taking back control of your life through assertiveness. Once you have identified where you are at currently, The Art of Everyday Assertiveness equips you with a straightforward approach, applicable strategies, and a collection of exercises grounded in CBT and exposure therapy to help guide you on the path to reclaim your independence and freedom so you can truly live life for yourself.
Notebooks & Journals for People Pleasers
Are you someone who prefers interactive formats when pursuing knowledge, wisdom, and healing? If you enjoy a balance of reading and doing, this collection of journals and workbooks explore the intersections of perfectionism, people pleasing, and self esteem, making them a fantastic option to meaningfully vary your reading queue.
11. 
The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance by Sharon Martin, MSW LCSW
With a masters degree in social work, and over 20 years of clinical experience, Martin brings a plethora of expertise to the table. Perfectionism and people pleasing often go hand in hand, which is why this book is such a great resource for those trying to learn how to stop sacrificing their own well being by striving to do too much for everyone else. This workbook calls out the truth that there is a distinction between striving for excellence and striving for perfection—one is achievable, and one is impossible to obtain. By explaining that perfectionists tend to criticize themselves, make assumptions, self-blame, and create cognitive distortions, Martin helps put a name to the struggles at hand and equip you with the tools to confront and remedy these maladaptive coping mechanisms that keep you stuck in cycles of self destruction.
12. The Better Boundaries Workbook: A CBT-Based Program to Help You Set Limits, Express Your Needs, and Create Healthy Relationships by Sharon Martin MSW LCSW
There are many great books out there for those seeking to learn how to build a better understanding of boundaries, but something about Sharon Martin’s approach and tone seems to really stand out to readers, which is why she has two workbooks included in this list. This book is practical and action-oriented, with examples that make the concepts easy to understand and apply. One of the things many readers appreciate about Martin is her ability to not make the reader feel rushed or talked-at through these concepts and exercises. Her tone is approachable and easy to follow, which makes this workbook enjoyable and accessible for all readers.
Full of quality advice, tangible tools, and action steps, this book is also incredibly affirming. That extra dose of validation can be an anchor of encouragement when trying to unlearn something as deeply ingrained as self-sacrificing narratives and poor interpersonal boundaries.
13. Not Enough You: A People-Pleaser’s Journal for Recapturing Your Value and Worth by Ilene S. Cohen Ph.D.
This journal is technically a companion book to “When It’s Never About You” by Ilene Cohen from earlier in our list, but its content has proven useful to all readers. With pages full of inspiring quotes, meaningful activities, and thought-provoking questions, this journal is an aesthetically lovely and mentally productive dive into the relationship between self-destructive behaviors like people pleasing.
14. The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Randy J. Paterson
If you find yourself being afraid of conflict, avoiding difficult conversations, being passive at the cost of yourself, or feeling undeserving of respect, then this book might just be a game-changer for you. Filled with exercises and techniques backed by clinical research, this book teaches you how to set healthy boundaries, speak assertively, and carry yourself with dignity. A fantastic addition for anyone seeking to learn how to stop people pleasing for external approval and start living a life prioritizing their own needs.
When to Talk to a Therapist
Please note, while books can be a wonderful resource and supplement on your journey through healing, they are not a substitute for professional help. If you, or someone you know, is currently struggling with maladaptive coping behaviors, like people pleasing, that are hindering their ability to live fully, healthily, and happily, consider finding a therapist. You can ask for a referral from your healthcare provider, or start by searching an online therapist directory.
You deserve to set and hold healthy boundaries. You deserve to live your life authentically and fully. There is no shame in needing some additional help and support to achieve that goal.
