How to Stop Feeling Guilty: 17 Tips for a Mindset Shift

1. Acknowledge That the Guilt Exists

Labeling guilt can be a healthy start. The first step toward healing any emotion is to be aware of it and acknowledge it. With guilt in particular, people will often ignore it or try to deny that it exists, because they aren’t ready to face the fact that they have said or done something that doesn’t feel right.

The problem with this approach is that the guilt doesn’t just go away. It can turn inward, leading to depression, or come out through lashing out or blaming others. Notice what guilt feels like in your body. Does it have a sensation, temperature, or weight to it? Is there a feeling in a certain part of the body? Be curious about it, notice that it is there, and label it.

2. Make Amends & Change Your Behavior

Be honest and hold yourself accountable. If your action or inaction harmed someone, reach out and offer to make amends if you can. It is even okay to ask the person how you can make amends.

3. Know the Source & Context for Your Guilt

Is there a good reason that you’re feeling guilty? Learn how to distinguish between justifiable and unjustifiable guilt by asking yourself some questions about your guilt, such as:

• Was it something I did or didn’t do?
• Was the event within my control?
• Could I be perceiving the situation wrong?

4. Don’t Magnify the Offense

Sometimes when people feel guilty about something they will continue the behavior rather than admit they were wrong. For example, a person may say something hurtful and then dig in even deeper, blaming the other person for their actions and refusing to admit doing any harm. This may even happen subconsciously, but it only makes things a lot worse.

5. Be Open About Your Feelings & Ask Others How They Actually Feel About What Happened

Healing happens when you can start to open up about your feelings. Admit that you regret the thing you feel guilty about, that it isn’t aligned with who you want to be, and that you are sorry for the harm you have caused. Allow the other person to share their feelings and listen without being defensive.

By owning your own part in your actions and then being willing to listen honestly and openly to how the other person feels, you can gain a lot of perspective about the situation. You may learn that they weren’t as upset about what happened as you thought they were, or that they were affected in a different way than you thought. Talking it through can help clear the air and start to make progress towards repair.

6. Remember That Guilt Can Work For You

Guilt is not always a bad thing! Guilt can actually be a very helpful emotion, showing you ways that your actions don’t match the person you want to be. Guilt can lead you toward making positive changes, growing, and doing things differently next time. A good question to ask yourself is, what is the guilt asking you to change or do differently next time?

7. Find Ways to Give Back to Others

If you are feeling guilty about something that caused harm to others, it can be helpful to find ways to give back. In some cases, you may be able to make direct amends to right the wrongs by literally giving back to the person who was harmed. In other cases that isn’t possible, but you can still take steps toward changing your behavior by helping others in need and being of service.

8. Reach Out to a Therapist

If guilty feelings seem unmanageable, last for an extended time, or impact your daily life, a therapist can help you understand and actively work through your guilty feelings. If your guilt is related to trauma it would be beneficial to seek a therapist with experience in trauma-informed care or post-traumatic-stress disorder.

9. Engage in Group Therapy

Generally speaking, most people feel guilt. It can be helpful to share and listen to others’ experiences and how they cope with guilt. Group therapy can provide a connectedness and relatability to others.

10. Process With a Trusted Friend or Mentor

Processing your guilt with someone you trust can help you distinguish between justified and unjustified guilt, provide support, and help you brainstorm ways to cope with your guilt.

11. Reframe Negative Thoughts

Toxic or existential guilt often produces negative thoughts that impact self-esteem. Write or share your negative thoughts and challenge them with something positive and fact-based.

For example: “I feel guilty I got the promotion over my coworker.” Instead, remind yourself that you worked hard and were rewarded for your hard work.

12. Accept & Learn to Forgive Yourself

Everyone makes mistakes and poor choices. No one is perfect. Forgiving yourself and committing to doing better next time can help resolve guilty feelings.

13. Think About How You’d Treat Someone Else in the Same Situation

If someone else was feeling guilty about something that impacted you, how would you react? How do you imagine you would feel if they came to you to apologize? This can be a way to shift your mindset and put yourself in the shoes of the person who was harmed.

14. Focus on What You Can Control

You can only control your part in things, you can’t control others’ reactions or how they will respond to you. All you can do is be honest, open, and willing to make changes. Then, work on letting go of how you feel about their response.

15. Distract Yourself When You Need To

Sometimes you aren’t able to do anything about the situation right away. Maybe you are not able to reach the person or remedying the situation isn’t possible for various reasons. If you find yourself obsessing about it or continuing to berate yourself, it’s okay to distract yourself to shift your focus. Read a good book, go for a walk, or watch a funny TV show.

16. Acknowledge That Perfection Doesn’t Exist

Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect human! We all make mistakes. What matters is that we are doing our best to learn and grow, and to not intentionally cause harm to others. Allow yourself forgiveness.

17. Celebrate Small Victories

Find small things to celebrate. Did you have a good day at work? Make small progress on a project? It’s really important to remember that you are so much more than your mistakes. There are still small victories in life and it’s okay to acknowledge and celebrate them. Sometimes it’s something as small as getting up, getting ready, and facing the day in spite of not feeling great. That is something to celebrate.

What Causes Feelings of Guilt?

There are several different opinions surrounding what causes guilt because there are many variables to consider like personality, culture, perceived wrong-doing, and level of self-awareness and emotional well-being.

Generally, it is accepted that there are different types of guilt and while there are interchangeable names, most types can fall into the following categories:

Natural Guilt

Natural guilt is a normal reaction to something you did or failed to do. The guilty feeling is typically short lived and one is able to forgive self or make amends.³ This can be provoked by forgetting a special event like a birthday or anniversary, or lying to a friend or family member

Toxic Guilt

Toxic guilt is a sense or belief that you are not a good person in general, a constant failure, or that you continually disappoint others even when there is no wrong doing. The guilty feeling can be long-lasting and brought on by self-judgment and inability to forgive oneself.³

Examples include believing you need to be perfect all the time or believing you cannot do or say anything right to a friend or family member (maybe that loved one is guilt-tripping you, making the situation worse).

Existential Guilt

Existential guilt, also called survivor’s guilt, arises from trauma, natural disasters, or perceived injustices of the world beyond one’s control.³ Examples include surviving any traumatic event where others did not or were severely injured or recovering from an illness such as cancer when others did not.

Adaptive/Healthy Guilt

Adaptive, healthy guilt coincides with natural guilt and is rational. This form of guilt can also help change and regulate behaviors to prevent us from making the same mistakes over again. The feeling of guilt is justifiable.⁴ If you forgot to wish your friend a happy birthday it is understandable to feel guilty even if it was a mistake. You can apologize, recognize we all make mistakes, and set a reminder for next time.

Maladaptive/Unhealthy Guilt

Maladaptive or unhealthy Guilt happens when guilt is exaggerated, distorted or perceived incorrectly, having guilt for circumstances out of their control, or when amends are not possible for behaviors. This type of guilt is usually unjustifiable. Toxic and Existential guilt fall under this type.²

Caregiver guilt can develop in unhealthy ways after a loved one passes away. Oftentimes, they will question whether they provided enough care or made the right decisions. These judgments are often critical and unfavorable and do not take into consideration how the caregiver did provide support. Adaptive or healthy guilt will typically resolve itself while maladaptive/unhealthy guilt can have long-lasting and serious implications on one’s mental health.

How Can Feelings of Guilt Affect Your Mental Health?

Healthy, natural guilt can help promote empathy and repair in relationships.² Being able to recognize and understand that guilt is a normal emotion can help propel you to make amends and reflect on future choices that might impact others.

Toxic guilt can have long lasting consequences to your mental health. These types of guilt are often linked to individuals who struggle with depression, anxiety, dysphoria, and obsessive compulsive disorder and may exacerbate symptoms.⁴

Furthermore it can lead to negative impacts on relationships, sleep, eating, hobbies/interests, and concentration, all of which impact your mental health overall.³

When to Get Professional Help for Feeling Guilty

Everyone experiences guilt throughout their life. Healthy, adaptive guilt can typically be resolved by oneself in a reasonable amount of time. Toxic, existential, and maladaptive guilt can be much more difficult to resolve on your own, and you might need the help of your support network or therapy.

Some other indicators it might be time to seek help for toxic guilt include:

• Finding yourself unable to accept what happened or forgive yourself
• Noticing your thoughts and actions are driven by guilty feelings
• Overcompensating because you feel guilty
• Guilty feelings have led to changes in:
  • Appetite
  • Sleep habits
  • Energy
  • Self esteem
  • Interest or hobbies

It is important to understand that guilt is appropriate to feel if you did something wrong. We can even feel guilty if we think about doing something wrong without ever engaging in the action. When our thoughts and feelings begin to overpower our daily life and impact our behaviors and choices this is a warning sign from your body telling you that you need to address this issue.

Who Should I Consult for Help With Feelings of Guilt?

If you have never been to therapy (individual or group) it can be tough to know where to start, but most licensed therapists are very skilled in dealing with negative feelings like guilt.

Here are some professionals to reach out to if you’re struggling with guilty feelings:

• If you are struggling with guilt in relationships it might be a good idea to reach out to a therapist that specializes in marriage and family counseling.
• If your guilt involves a traumatic or natural disaster a helpful therapist might be one that specializes in trauma informed care or post-traumatic stress disorder.
• If your guilt is related to substance use, look for a therapist that specializes in alcohol and drugs/substance abuse.
• If you are struggling with guilt related to having or surviving a medical illness, substance abuse, or caregiving, group therapy or a support group can give you a space to share your guilt with others who can empathize with your situation and expand your support network.

How to Find a Therapist

Therapists vary on specialties, cost, availability, and modalities. Time frames will be different depending on individual situations. This information is great to ask any potential therapist you might be considering working with. Finding a therapist is an important decision, but you can easily get started by asking your primary care provider for a referral or by using an online therapist directory. Don’t be afraid to call up a few different therapists before making a decision.

How to Support a Loved One Who’s Feeling Guilty

Offering understanding and support without judgment is the best thing you can do to help a loved one struggling with guilt. Gently remind your loved one that guilt is a normal emotion and, if appropriate, share your own experience with guilt. Oftentimes people are overly critical of themselves which can lead to a distorted idea of what happened or disproportionate level of guilt. Offer to help a loved one challenge their guilt, especially if it is toxic or existential guilt. If your loved one is willing, you could collaboratively work on a plan to make amends and work toward changing behaviors.

Unhelpful statements or suggestions can reinforce or exacerbate guilt. Be mindful how you engage in discussing guilty feelings. Even if our intentions are to be helpful, word choice and tone matters. For example instead of saying, “you need therapy,” reframe and say, “I noticed you’ve been struggling for a while now. Is it possible therapy might help?” Avoid ridiculing and bringing up past poor choices or mistakes your loved one has made.

It is okay to admit and tell your loved one you are unsure how to support them with their guilt. This can open up the dialogue to suggest looking into individual or group therapy or brainstorm ways to help together.