How to Cope With Guilt & Grief: 8 Tips From a Therapist

Is Guilt a Part of Grief?

Grief research depicts a direct relationship between grief and guilt. After the loss of a loved one, people often wish that they could have done things differently, which can result in intense feelings of guilt.¹ These feelings can be present regardless of the nature of the loss, and can occur with any loved one, including the death of a parent, child, spouse, or pet.

One of the biggest challenges in experiencing guilt in relation to grief is that people tend to ruminate regarding choices about things they did or did not do. They mistakenly believe these acts contributed to the loss. Focusing on guilt escalates feelings of regret and can lead to depression. These negative self-messages can cause an extension and intensity of bereavement and grief.

Signs of Guilt in Grief

People who cling to the belief that they should have done things differently often feel they should be punished for their actions or inactions. This typically results in self-isolation and a reduction in self-care. Unfortunately, healing from loss is less likely to begin with these self-destructive behaviors in place.

Signs of guilt while grieving include:

• Decline in self-care
• Negative self-talk
• Blame
• Sadness
• Regret

Why Do We Experience Guilt & Grief?

Guilt is an emotional mechanism that tries to imply control of situations that may not be controllable.  Guilt can be both rational and irrational. It is a way to try to make sense of overwhelming and stunning situations. This ongoing focus on the past makes it impossible to change the circumstances and difficult to overcome guilt.

Guilt can occur regardless of the circumstances of the loss. However, the circumstances of the death do have an impact on the level of guilt experienced. One study found that “people who have suffered a loss due to suicide experience higher levels of guilt than those who have lost a loved one to an accident, perinatal death, and both an expected and unexpected natural death.”² Additionally, guilt can be more intense and persistent-based on the nature and closeness of the relationship with the person who has died.

Reasons a person may experience guilt when grieving including:

They Feel They Did Something Wrong

Many people reflect on past moments where they wished they could have handled a situation differently. Guilt related to the death of a loved one can span a spectrum of believing “I did not do enough” to “I should have done more.” Grief researchers confirm “guilt arises when negative evaluation is restricted to a particular behavior (e.g. ‘I did a bad deed’).”³

They Experience Relief From a Loss

Many people feel guilty for being relieved when a loved one has died. This can be a very normal reaction when the person who has died was suffering pain or coping with a progressive degenerative disease. Alternatively, they may feel relieved because it was a toxic relationship. People tend to replay these relationships in their minds and wonder how things might have been different.

They Have Survivor’s Guilt

Some people suffer from survivor’s guilt, which is when an accident occurs, and one person survives while the other passes away. For example, when they survive a car accident and a loved one doesn’t. If someone is driving, there may be feelings of self-blame and guilt. In the same scenario, if someone else causes the car accident, guilt may still arise with negative self-messages like, “If I only had paid more attention, this would not have happened.”

They Want to Feel a Sense of Order & Control

Many people cling to the notion that they have some control over everything that happens in their lives. This can result in blaming themselves for the death of their loved one because, without someone to blame, there must be recognition that life has unpredictable moments. In conjunction with this belief is the idea that if they did something different, the person they love would still be alive, and the loss would never have happened.

They Feel They Have Failed to Play Their Role

According to the American Hospice Foundation, role guilt is “the feeling that you were not a good enough brother, father, sister, spouse-whatever the role was in a person’s life.”⁵ This frequently happens when loved ones are nearing death. Their family members review their relationship and obsess about past mistakes that they perceive as harming their relationship. They feel guilty for not doing more to strengthen those relationship ties.

They Judge Themselves for How They Are Grieving

People have mistaken notions about how to grieve. There is no specific order or intensity for grief. Everyone experiences grief in their unique ways. When people seem to move through their grief more quickly or move forward in a time frame they deem too quickly, they may feel guilty. They may chastise themselves and feel guilty for coping too quickly and too well with the death of a loved one.

8 Ways to Cope With Guilt & Grief

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. People experience grief uniquely, and normalizing that guilt is often a  component of grief is important. Self-reflection is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one, but these self-messages of  “I should have done this differently” are not helpful. It is important to learn how to deal with grief healthily to begin the healing process. Fortunately, there are actions you can take to come to terms with your guilt.

Here are eight tips for how to cope with guilt and grief:

1. Journaling

Journaling is a powerful tool when experiencing grief. Putting your thoughts and memories to paper is a great way to clarify and self-reflect on your feelings and thoughts. It also helps to decrease the intensity of these emotions. Journaling also helps to chart your grief process by reviewing journal entries over time. Journaling can initially feel awkward if you have never tried it before and you are not certain about how to begin, so grief journaling prompts are a great tool to use to help get started.

 2. Prioritize Self-Care

It is common to forget about self-care when people are in the midst of grief.

This is especially true when guilt is experienced as a part of the grief process. Just

getting out of bed can feel like a challenge. People forget to eat, exercise and can self-isolate. Guilt is a burden, and the message that comes with it is, “I don’t deserve to treat myself well.” Self-care includes taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. You cannot begin to heal and work through grief until you engage in self-care behaviors.

3. Channel Your Guilt Into Something Positive

It doesn’t really matter if your guilt is rational or irrational. It is important to channel

guilt in productive ways to begin to alleviate it. For example, if you have lost

someone to suicide, work with suicide prevention programs. It will help give you insights about yourself, and learning from others that have had shared experiences can be enormously helpful. It also can offer some comfort in doing something that honors the memory of the person who has died.

4. Acknowledge Your Feelings of Guilt

You need to be able to give yourself permission to feel whatever comes with the loss of a loved one. If guilt is one of those feelings, explore its roots and what it is really about. Are you being fair to yourself? Is your guilt based on reality, or is something else causing it? You are human, and remember that guilt often arises with grief. Show yourself compassion and learn how to forgive yourself as you explore your guilt and its source.

5. Join a Grief Support Group

Grief support groups can be a wonderful way to learn how to cope with grief and guilt. It helps to hear that other people are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings. It is also a place where you can get support from others who have been through a loss. Grief support groups are places of support, education, and resources. You can find them online or locally by checking with local mental health centers, hospitals, or organizations associated with the cause of the death of a loved one.

6. Find Positive Thoughts

Thought stopping is the practice of shifting your focus from the guilty thoughts you are having to more positive thoughts. This technique can be taught through behavior modification which involves reshaping negative thoughts into positive thoughts producing healthier behavioral patterns. It involves training yourself using different skills to stop thinking about thoughts that can be harmful to you.

7. Share Your Feelings With Others

If you have trusted close friends and family, you can talk with them and make opportunities to talk with them about what you are feeling. It is important not to keep your guilt feelings bottled up. It also can be helpful to talk with people who know the person who has died. Their insights may help ground your memories and feelings into a more realistic perspective.

8. Consider Reaching Out to a Therapist

Grief and guilt can be an enormous burden. They can evolve into depression. When this occurs, it may be difficult to manage and cope with grief without outside mental health professionals intervening. Healing cannot begin unless these issues are addressed. A therapist can help to unpack why someone is experiencing guilt surrounding their grief and process the emotions so they begin to ease.

When to Seek Professional Help

There is no specific timeline for grief and the emotions that accompany it. But there are signs to watch for that indicate you may need help from mental health professionals to help overcome your guilt and grief. Grief therapy can help people identify emotions and sources of grief related to the loss of a loved one. It also offers skills to help cope with and alleviate these symptoms.

If grief symptoms persist or get worse for 6 months or longer, think about pursuing grief counseling. Seek out a therapist who specializes in grief therapy. An online therapist directory is a great tool for finding a therapist in your area. Alternatively, you can seek help from an online therapy platform, which makes therapy easily accessible regardless of your location or availability.

Signs that grief counseling may be needed include:

• Depression, guilt, anger, feelings of loss, sadness, or anxiety prohibit your ability to do daily tasks, and your ability to function is diminished.
• You are unable to work, engage in your routine, you self-isolate, or your relationships are being negatively impacted
• You have increased alcohol or substance use that creates problems with functioning or worsens with time.
• You cannot sleep, eat, or engage in other self-care activities for an extended period.
• You struggle with suicidal ideation or thoughts

In My Experience

Guilt is a complicated emotion that I have often seen in many people who are grieving and trying to cope with a major loss. Grief stemming from a death causes much self-reflection and an examination of your life and the choices made. Guilt can be grounded in reality or unrealistic expectations and memories.

Guilt, in conjunction with grief, can sometimes become overwhelming and difficult to overcome without the help of family and friends or mental health experts who do grief counseling.  People often neglect their own self-care as they struggle to get through each day and assist others who depend on them. Help is available to those that need it, and a large part of grief counseling is identifying what the feelings are and where they come from, as well as acquiring the skills to cope with it. The Hospice Foundation of America offers a message I strongly agree with. “Guilt is a heavy burden in grief. We do not need to carry guilt forever on the journey with loss.”⁶