Being a caregiver comes with a complex set of emotions that can change from moment to moment, including guilt.1 Caregiver guilt occurs frequently because caregivers’ self expectations are often unrealistic, and usually cannot be successfully met. Determining how to accurately reassess your abilities and create a healthy balance in your life can alleviate the emotional pain guilt creates. Many caregivers find talking with a therapist can help with this process and manage the emotions of caregiving.
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What Is a Caregiver?
A caregiver is anyone who assists another person who is unable to be independent in taking care of themselves. This is often a spouse, parent or disabled child, but could be an extended relative, close friend, or even a stranger that hires help. Based on changes to our culture, more and more people are taking on a caregiving role.
What Is Caregiver Guilt?
Caregiver guilt is a negative manifestation of the distress experienced when caring for a loved one. Caregiver guilt can include feelings of depression, burden, or anxiety.2 Some people may feel as if they aren’t doing enough for their loved one, despite their improvements to the person’s quality of life as observed and validated by others.
Caregiver guilt may come from from multiple factors, such as guilt for the changing relationship with the person being cared for, or guilt over neglecting other aspects of life in order to care for the person.2 Some caregiver guilt may come from the person being cared for, while other guilt may be imposed by others.2
Being a Caregiver Is Hard!
Caregiving, although it can represent the strength of familial relationships, can be physically and mentally exhausting. Being a caregiver requires not only physical tasks such as feeding and bathing, but it can be emotionally distressing. You may be faced with decisions around medical care, or have to deal with symptoms such as memory loss, depression, or irritability of your loved one, which can cause emotional fatigue.
What Causes Caregiver Guilt?
Major factors resulting in caregiver guilt including guilt about doing wrong by the person receiving care, guilt about not rising to the occasion as a caregiver, guilt regarding lack of self-care, and guilt about having negative feelings toward the person receiving care.3
Common causes of caregiver guilt include:
Lack of Time for Other Relationships
Caregivers are frequently trying to juggle multiple tasks and roles simultaneously. In addition to being a caregiver you may be a spouse or partner, a parent, an employee, a student, and a friend. Nobody can effectively juggle all of these roles all the time, and someone in your life might also be guilt-tripping you about how you’re spending your time.
Self-Blame for the State of the Loved One
Perhaps the person you are taking care of is not improving. Caregivers can blame themselves falsely, believing if they did something else a loved one’s medical condition would improve. When a loved one’s health deteriorates, caregivers mistakenly believe they should be doing more to enhance the quality of life of the one they are caring for. Feelings of guilt, anger, and helplessness occur with this way of thinking.
Unresolved Past Relationships
People can also unknowingly bring their past relationships into their role as a caregiver. Past unresolved conflicts with family members can influence the caregiver relationship. Many caregivers feel guilty about the ways that past arguments or issues from childhood bleed into their current relationships and roles.4
Resentment for Personal Time Lost
You may begin to experience resentment for time lost caring for your loved one. You may desire to spend your time with other people, or completing other tasks, and caregiving takes up your physical and emotional space. Feeling resentment around personal time lost may be a factor you can process in therapy or counseling sessions, so that it does not affect you or your loved one’s physical or mental well-being.
Knowing Placement in a Care Facility or Nursing Home Is Inevitable
You may experience caregiver guilt when faced with the decision of putting your loved one into a care facility. You may wonder about your capacity to care for your loved one on your own, but need professional help around their medication management or need to return to other aspects of your life, such as work or children.
Signs & Symptoms of Caregiver Guilt
There are a number of emotional and behavioral issues that caregivers can experience especially if the stress that comes up isn’t addressed. Guilt can result in “reactive cycles” that create other emotions and symptoms that become cyclical.5
The common signs and symptoms of caregiver guilt include:
- Ambivalence: The feeling of wanting to be doing what you are doing but also not wanting to do it.6
- Resentment: Feeling unappreciated for the care you are giving or wanting more help and not getting it.
- Irritability: If you do not feel gratitude for what you are doing or you are repeatedly criticized it might result in irritability.
- Anxiety: Fear that you are doing something wrong or won’t be there when something bad happens.
- Helplessness: Regardless of what you do it never feels it is right or enough.
- Depression and sadness: As a caregiver you can be repeatedly confronted with loss and grief as the person you are caring for changes and gets worse and you can’t do anything to make it stop or go away.
Therapy to Reduce Stress & Avoid Burnout
A therapist can help you process thoughts and feelings, understand motivations, and develop healthy coping skills. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
How to Cope With Caregiver Guilt
Caregivers are often pretty bad about taking care of themselves. By nature, they focus their attention and compassion on others. They can be reluctant to consider what could be done differently to help take care of themselves and relieve the guilt. The reality is, to be a good caregiver you also need to take care of yourself. That means recognizing and acknowledging that you sometimes have negative feelings related to your role as a caregiver.
Here are 11 ways caregivers can take more control and learn to cope with caregiver guilt:
1. Identify When Guilt Occurs
If you’re denying your feelings of caregiver remorse, it only makes the situation worse in the long-term. Give yourself permission to feel guilt and do not judge yourself harshly for feeling this way.
2. Re-Evaluate Your Self Expectations
Try to realistically evaluate your expectations of yourself and ask yourself if they are reasonable to do on a regular, ongoing basis. Would you ask someone else to respond in the same way you expect yourself to?
3. Don’t Stifle Your Feelings
There are moments when you don’t want to be a caregiver that will cause a flood of emotions. Avoiding these moments or denying them will only make you feel worse. You may feel angry and irritable or overwhelmed. Consulting a therapist can help you understand and work through your thoughts and feelings in healthy ways.
4. Connect With Others
Find a trusted friend, family member, or someone else you feel comfortable with that you can candidly talk to about the good and challenging moments about being a caregiver.
5. Make Time for Yourself
You must do things to recharge and nourish your soul and spirit. Give yourself permission to do things you enjoy guilt-free.
6. Go to Group Therapy or a Support Group
Being with other peers who are also caregivers in group therapy can help you feel less alone. It can normalize your feelings. They can offer insights and tips that you can integrate in your role as a caregiver. Some caregiver groups have a professional leader and some are peer led. Both are good options to help you cope with guilt. Online support groups could be a great option for meeting people in similar situations if you have a hard time getting out of the house.
7. Be Kind to Yourself & Accept That You’re Human
Show yourself the same compassion you would extend to others who are coping with a crisis. Don’t wait until you are experiencing caregiver burnout. Be proactive on your own behalf. Give yourself permission to act in a guilt-free manner.
8. Focus on Quality Time & Find Joy in the Small Moments
Re-focusing your attention on the present moment may help you avoid feelings of caregiver guilt. You may find joy in small moments, such as reading a book to your loved one. Focusing on the sensory details of your experiences with them, such as sounds, sights, or smells, may help you remember some of your favorite moments.
9. Remind Yourself of All the Positive Things You’ve Done
When experiencing caregiver guilt, it can be difficult to focus on the positive. Making yourself a list (either physical or mental) of all the positive things you have done for your loved one can help you re-focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
10. Don’t Internalize Your Loved One’s Negative Behavior
Sometimes loved ones may have a condition which negatively affects their personality or mood. A loved one’s negative behavior, such as name-calling or accusations, may cause you to feel caregiver guilt. Learning to let go of their negative behaviors or to externalize the behaviors through speaking or writing about them, can help you remember their behaviors are not representative of reality.
11. Be Confident in Your Decisions
Social Worker Malika Brown recommends, “Know that you are making the best decision for you and your loved one at that time—this can be hard to accept. A change in that situation may force you to break that promise, realize that promise was made under different circumstances.”5
When to Get Professional Help for Caregiver Guilt
Caregiver burnout is a very common phenomena and guilt plays a major part in burnout. The powerful emotional mixture of guilt, anxiety, resentment, and grief create a dangerous emotional cycle for caregivers. Caregivers who experience these feelings must acknowledge them and deal with them immediately. If these emotions are not addressed they can evolve into isolation, irritability, anger, depression, and other negative emotions that can be emotionally and physically harmful to caregivers.
It is critical for a caregiver’s emotional and physical well-being to have a person they can speak to honestly to vent their feelings and not feel judged for having them. Mental health professionals add an additional layer of support by helping caregivers to understand and process these emotions. In addition, they can offer caregivers insights about how to set realistic boundaries, self expectations, and add balance in their lives. They can also teach coping and problem solving skills that will prove to be invaluable tools for caregivers.
Lower Your Stress & Avoid Burnout
Therapy can help. BetterHelp has over 30,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week and is FSA/HSA eligible by most providers. Take a free online assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Who Should I Consult for Emotional Support for Caregivers?
There are many counseling opportunities available for caregivers when they choose to seek support. When looking for a therapist, ask about their prior experience working with family caregivers. It is also a good idea to inquire about their knowledge regarding the stressors that caregivers face.
Group counseling is also a good option for caregiver support. It can be affirming and helpful to share caregiving victories and challenges with other caregivers. If you believe you are really struggling you may want to choose a caregiver group being led by a healthcare professional. Their training and experience can offer additional guidance and professional insights that many caregivers can benefit from.
How to Find a Therapist
If you’re ready to find a therapist, consider asking your doctor for a referral, confiding in a trusted loved one whom you know has attended therapy, or using an online therapist directory where you can sort by specialty and insurance coverage. Area Agencies on Aging also has local resource information to find counseling.
Check your insurance coverage to learn about your specific coverage. The cost for therapy will vary depending on the licensure and credentials of the person you are seeing. Generally speaking, people with Master’s level degrees charge between $75-$125 per session. Psychologists fees can range from $125-$200 per session and a psychiatrist can charge between $200-$300.
Cognitive behavioral therapy and emotion focused therapy are often used as treatment methods with caregivers. This therapy is more short term, ranging from 5-12 sessions depending on what you and your therapist agree on as treatment goals.
How to Support a Loved One Who Has Expressed Caregiver Guilt
One way to help a loved one who has expressed guilt is to make time for them and really listen to what they have to say without judgment. The goal is to be supportive.
Help Them Find Respite Caregivers
Isolation is common for caregivers, especially for long-term caregivers. If possible, encourage them to get someone to cover for them (called “respite care”) so they can have time off from their caregiving responsibilities. Try to ask what you can do to help during the course of this conversation.
Help Them Find Outside Resources for Extra Support
Time and energy can be a luxury for a caregiver. Especially caregivers who feel overwhelmed and are focusing all their attention on the person they are taking care of. If you sense that a loved one is struggling with their caregiving role, gather information on resources and programs that may be helpful to them and offer them some support and respite. Let them know that you are concerned about them and that you have information that they may need now or in the future.
In My Experience
Caregiver guilt is an emotion that is hard to let go of. Donna Schempp, LCSW, recommends helping a caregiver change the message they are giving themselves. She offers these examples; “Consider changing guilt into regret. I’m in a difficult situation and I have to make difficult decisions sometimes. I regret that I am human and get impatient sometimes. I am doing the best I can even though things go wrong from time to time and I regret that I am not perfect.”6
Caregiver Guilt Infographics
ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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Spillers, R. L., et al. (2008). Family caregivers and guilt in the context of cancer care. Psychosomatics, 49(6), 511–519.
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Gallego-Alberto, L., et al. (2022). “I feel guilty”. Exploring guilt-related dynamics in family caregivers of people with dementia. Clinical Gerontologist, 45(5), 1294-1303. https://doi.org/10.1080/07317115.2020.1769244
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Losada, A., et al. (2010). Development and validation of the Caregivers Guilt Questionnaire. International Psychogeriatrics, 22(4), 650–660.
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Malika, B. (n.d.). Dealing With Caregiver Guilt. Today’s Caregiver Magazine. Retrieved from https://caregiver.com/articles/dealing-caregiver-guilt/
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Barry, J. (2016). Caregivers: Living With Guilt. AARP. Retrieved from https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2017/living-with-guilt-bjj.html
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Donna, S. (2014). Emotional Side of Caregiving. Family Caregiver Alliance. Retrieved from https://www.caregiver.org/emotional-side-caregiving
We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.
Author: Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Lynn Byars, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Fact-checked and edited for improved readability and clarity.
Author: Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW (No Change)
Reviewer: Lynn Byars, MD (No Change)
Primary Changes: Updated for readability and clarity. Reviewed and added relevant resources. Added “What Is Caregiver Guilt?”, “Being a Caregiver Is Hard!”, “Resentment for Personal Time Lost”, “Knowing Placement in a Care Facility or Nursing Home Is Inevitable”, added three additional tips to “How to Cope With Caregiver Guilt”. New material written by Lydia Antonatos, LMHC and reviewed by Heidi Moawad, MD.
Author: Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW
Reviewer: Lynn Byars, MD
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