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Caregiver Guilt: Causes, Getting Help & Ways to Cope

Published: December 18, 2020 Updated: July 13, 2022
Published: 12/18/2020 Updated: 07/13/2022
Headshot of Iris Waichler MSW, LCSW
Written by:

Iris Waichler

MSW, LCSW
Headshot of Lynn Byars, MD, MPH, FACP
Reviewed by:

Lynn Byars

MD, MPH, FACP
  • Causes of Caregiver GuiltCauses
  • Signs & Symptoms of Caregiver GuiltSigns
  • Ways to Cope With Caregiver Guilt8 Tips
  • When to Get Professional Help for Caregiver GuiltWhen to Get Help
  • Who Should I Consult for Help in Overcoming Caregiver Guilt?Who to Consult
  • How to Support a Loved One Who Has Expressed Caregiver GuiltSupport a Loved One
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Caregiver Guilt InfographicsInfographics
Headshot of Iris Waichler MSW, LCSW
Written by:

Iris Waichler

MSW, LCSW
Headshot of Lynn Byars, MD, MPH, FACP
Reviewed by:

Lynn Byars

MD, MPH, FACP

Being a caregiver comes with a complex set of emotions that changes from moment to moment, including guilt.1 Guilt occurs frequently because caregivers self expectations are unrealistic and usually cannot be successfully met. It is important for caregivers to recognize when they feel guilt as it can impact their own health and the care they provide.

A caregiver is anyone who assists another person who is unable to be independent in taking care of themselves. This is often a spouse, parent or disabled child, but could be an extended relative, close friend or even a stranger that hires help. Based on changes to our culture, more and more people are taking on the caregiver role.

If you are a caregiver, determining how to accurately reassess your abilities and create a healthy balance in your life can alleviate the emotional pain guilt creates. Many caregivers find talking with a therapist can help with this process and manage the emotions of caregiving.

Caregivers do not need to struggle with feelings of guilt on their own. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

Causes of Caregiver Guilt

Guilt emerges when there is a belief that you are falling short in any or all roles and relationships are suffering. Caregivers are frequently trying to juggle multiple tasks and roles simultaneously. In addition to being a caregiver you may be a spouse or partner, a parent, an employee, a student, and a friend. Nobody can effectively juggle all of these roles all the time, and someone in your life might also be guilt-tripping you about how you’re spending your time.

Perhaps the person you are taking care of is not improving. Caregivers can blame themselves falsely believing if they did something else a loved one’s medical condition would improve. When a loved one’s health deteriorates, caregivers mistakenly believe they should be doing more to enhance the quality of life of the one they are caring for. Feelings of guilt, anger, and helplessness occur with this way of thinking.

People can also unknowingly bring their past relationships into their role as a caregiver. Past unresolved conflicts with family members can influence the caregiver relationship. Social Worker Malika Brown describes it this way, “there are issues stemming from childhood or arguments in the past that hinder the caregiving process. Many caregivers feel guilty about this.”2

A research study created a caregiver guilt questionnaire and identified 5 major factors resulting in caregiver guilt. “Guilt about doing wrong by the care recipient, guilt about not rising to the occasion as caregivers, guilt about self care, guilt about neglecting other relatives, and guilt about having negative feelings towards other people.”3

Signs & Symptoms of Caregiver Guilt

There are a number of emotional and behavioral issues that caregivers can experience especially if the stress that comes up isn’t addressed. Guilt can result in “reactive cycles” that create other emotions and symptoms that become cyclical.4

The common signs and symptoms of caregiver guilt include:

  • Ambivalence: The feeling of wanting to be doing what you are doing but also not wanting to do it.5
  • Resentment: feeling unappreciated for the care you are giving or wanting more help and not getting it.
  • Irritability: If you do not feel gratitude for what you are doing or you are repeatedly criticized it might result in irritability.
  • Anxiety: Fear that you are doing something wrong or won’t be there when something bad happens.
  • Helplessness: Regardless of what you do it never feels it is right or enough.
  • Depression and sadness: As a caregiver you can be repeatedly confronted with loss and grief as the person you are caring for changes and gets worse and you can’t do anything to make it stop or go away.

Caregivers do not need to struggle with feelings of guilt on their own. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp

Visit BetterHelp

8 Ways to Cope With Caregiver Guilt

Caregivers are often pretty bad about taking care of themselves. By nature, they focus their attention and compassion on others. They can be reluctant to consider what could be done differently help take care of themselves and relieve the guilt. The reality is to be a good caregiver you also need to take care of yourself. That means recognizing and acknowledging that you sometimes have negative feelings related to your role as a caregiver.

Here are eight ways caregivers can take more control and learn to cope with caregiver guilt:

1. Identify When Guilt Occurs

If guilt is denied it can become more debilitating. Give yourself permission to feel guilt and do not judge yourself harshly for feeling this way.

2. Re-evaluate Self Expectations

Try to realistically evaluate your expectations of yourself and ask yourself if they are reasonable to do on a regular, ongoing basis. Would you ask someone else to respond in the same way you expect yourself to?

3. Feel Your Feelings

There are moments when you don’t want to be a caregiver that will cause a flood of emotions. Avoiding these moments or denying them will only make you feel worse. You may feel angry and irritable or overwhelmed. Consulting a therapist can help you understand and work through your thoughts and feelings in healthy ways.

4. Connect With Others

Find a trusted friend, family member, or someone else you feel comfortable with that you can candidly talk to about the good and challenging moments about being a caregiver.

5. Make Time for Yourself

You must do things to recharge and nourish your soul and spirit. Give yourself permission to do things you enjoy guilt free.

6. Go to Group Therapy

Being with other peers who are also caregivers in group therapy can help you feel less alone. It can normalize your feelings. They can offer insights and tips that you can integrate in your role as a caregiver. Some caregiver groups have a professional leader and some are peer led. Both are good options to help you cope with guilt.

7. Be Kind to Yourself

Show yourself the same compassion you would extend to others who are coping with a crisis. Don’t wait until you are experiencing caregiver burnout. Be proactive on your own behalf. Give yourself permission to act in a guilt free manner.

8. Be Confident in Your Decisions

Social Worker Malika Brown recommends, “Know that you are making the best decision for you and your loved one at that time-This can be hard to accept.” She goes on to say, “A change in that situation may force you to break that promise, realize that promise was made under different circumstances.”6

When to Get Professional Help for Caregiver Guilt

Caregiver burnout is a very common phenomena and guilt plays a major part in burnout. The powerful emotional mixture of guilt, anxiety, resentment, and grief, create a dangerous emotional cycle for caregivers. Caregivers who experience these feelings must acknowledge them and deal with them immediately. If these emotions are not addressed they can evolve into isolation, irritability, anger, depression, and other negative emotions that can be emotionally and physically harmful to caregivers.

It is critical for a caregiver’s emotional and physical well being to have a person they can speak to honestly vent their feelings and not feel judged for having them. Mental Health professionals add an additional layer of support by helping caregivers to understand and process these emotions. In addition they can offer caregivers insights about how to set realistic boundaries, self expectations, and add balance in their lives. They also can teach coping and problem solving skills that will prove to be invaluable tools for caregivers.

Support Group For Caregivers – Avoid Burning Out

Circles offers support groups that provide a safe place to share your experiences and learn from others going through similar experiences. Taking care of another person is difficult and often feels very lonely. However, you are not alone. Groups meet weekly by video and are led by expert facilitators. Free 7-Day Trial

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by Circles.

Who Should I Consult for Help in Overcoming Caregiver Guilt?

There are many counseling opportunities available for caregivers when they choose to seek support. Individual counseling is a good place to start for guidance, support, and to offer the skill sets discussed above. When looking for a therapist ask about their prior experience working with family caregivers. It is also a good idea to inquire about their knowledge regarding the stressors that caregivers face. Check with your insurance company to see if the provider you want is covered under your plan and what out of pocket costs you might have to pay.

Group counseling is also a good option for caregiver support. It can be affirming and helpful to share caregiving victories and challenges with other caregivers. If you believe you are really struggling you may want to choose a caregiver group being led by a healthcare professional. Their training and experience can offer additional guidance and professional insights that many caregivers can benefit from.

There are also on line chat groups available where you can communicate with other caregivers. Social Worker Lois Esobar describes the benefit of caregiver support groups. She explains “Support groups are a place to give and receive support.” She goes on to say being in a caregiver support group “allows the caregiver to focus on their needs, not only the needs of the care receiver.”7

How to Find a Therapist

There are several things to know about finding the right therapist. This article gives great information on how to choose a therapist, what questions and information to get, and how to assess if they are a good fit for you. It also shares information on how you determine if your therapy is working. You can find a local therapist here.

There are additional places to go to look for mental health professionals with expertise that will be valuable for caregivers. Area Agencies on Aging also has local resource information to find counseling.

Check your insurance coverage to learn about your specific coverage. The cost for therapy will vary depending on the licensure and credentials of the person you are seeing. Generally speaking, people with Master’s level degrees charge between $75-$125 per session. Psychologists fees can range from $125-$200 per session and a psychiatrist can charge between $200-$300.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotion Focused therapy are often used as treatment methods with caregivers. This therapy is more short term ranging from 5 to 12 sessions depending on what you and your therapist agree on as treatment goals.

How to Support a Loved One Who Has Expressed Caregiver Guilt

One way to help a loved one who has expressed guilt is to make time for them and really listen to what they have to say without judgement. The goal is to be supportive. Isolation is common for caregivers. This is especially true for long term caregivers. If possible, encourage them to get someone to cover for them (called “respite care”) so they can have time off from their caregiving responsibilities. Try to ask what you can do to help during the course of this conversation.

Time and energy can be a luxury for a caregiver. Especially caregivers who feel overwhelmed and are focusing all their attention on the person they are taking care of. If you sense that a loved one is struggling with their caregiving role, gather information on resources and programs that may be helpful to them and offer them some support and respite. Let them know that you are concerned about them and that you have information that they may need now or in the future.

Guilt is an emotion that is hard to let go of. If you see a loved one struggling with caregiver guilt you can address it in a supportive manner. Donna Schempp, LCSW, recommends helping a caregiver change the message they are giving themselves. She offers these examples; “Consider changing guilt into regret. I’m in a difficult situation and I have to make difficult decisions sometimes. I regret that I am human and get impatient sometimes. I am doing the best I can even though things go wrong from time to time and I regret that I am not perfect.”8

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com – Receive help from a caring professional. The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started

Brightside Health (Online Psychiatry) – If you’re struggling with serious mental illness, finding the right medication can make a difference. Brightside Health treatment plans start at $95 per month. Following a free online evaluation and receiving a prescription, you can get FDA approved medications delivered to your door. Free Assessment

Headspace (Meditation App) – Headspace is the leading mindfulness and meditation app with over 70 million members. Headspace offers guidance and exercises for all skill levels, including beginners. Free Trial

Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist specializing in anxiety. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

Choosing Therapy partners with leading mental health companies and is compensated for referrals by BetterHelp, Online-Therapy.com, Brightside, and Headspace

For Further Reading

  • 11 Private Support Groups for Caregivers on Facebook – DailyCaring: This is a site containing a list of 11 private support groups for Caregivers on Facebook. Contact the site administrator and ask to join the group. This ensures your privacy as well as other members in the group.
  • Family Caregiver Alliance National Center on Caregiving: This site connects caregivers, offers resources, education, and support for caregivers.
  • Caregiver Support Groups: This website also is linked with the Family Caregiver Alliance Center. It has information on support groups serving a number of different specialty communities
  • Alzheimer’s Association | Alzheimer’s Disease & Dementia Help: This website offers education, resources, community support, and information on research for patients with Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia and their family members.

Caregiver Guilt Infographics

Caregiver Guilt Causes and Impact of Caregiver Guilt Causes of Caregiver Guilt

Caregiver Guilt Creating Cyclical Emotions and Symptoms Ways to Cope with Caregiver Guilt What is Caregiver Burnout

Providing Support, Resources, and Programs for Caregivers

8 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

  • Rachel L. Spillers, B.S., David K. Wellisch Ph.D., Youngmee Kim Ph.D., B. Alex Matthews Ph.D., Frank Baker Ph.D. (2008) Family Caregivers and Guilt in the Context of Cancer Care. Psychosomatics. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Youngmee_Kim3/publication/23719809

  • Malika Brown, MSW, LSW. Dealing With Caregiver Guilt. Today’s Caregiver Magazine. Retrieved from https://caregiver.com/articles/dealing-caregiver-guilt/

  • Andres Lasada, Maria Marquez-Gonzalez, Cecilia Penacoba, Rosa Romero-Moreno. (2010) International Psychogeriatrics, 22:4 650-660 doi: 10.1017/S104161021000074

  • Barry Jacobs, Ph.D (2016) Caregivers: Living With Guilt. AARP. Retrieved from https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2017/living-with-guilt-bjj.html

  • Donna Schempp, LCSW (2014) Emotional Side of Caregiving. Family Caregiver Alliance. Retrieved from https://www.caregiver.org/emotional-side-caregiving

  • Malika Brown, MSW, LSW. Dealing With Caregiver Guilt. Today’s Caregiver Magazine. Retrieved from https://caregiver.com/articles/dealing-caregiver-guilt/

  • Lois Esobar, MSW (2011) The Immense Value of the Family Caregiver Support Group. Family Caregiver Alliance. Retrieved from https://www.caregiver.org/day-10-immense-value-family-caregiver-support-group

  • Donna Schempp, LCSW (2014) Emotional Side of Caregiving. Family Caregiver Alliance. Retrieved from https://www.caregiver.org/emotional-side-caregiving

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Headshot of Iris Waichler MSW, LCSW
Written by:

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MSW, LCSW
Headshot of Lynn Byars, MD, MPH, FACP
Reviewed by:

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MD, MPH, FACP
  • Causes of Caregiver GuiltCauses
  • Signs & Symptoms of Caregiver GuiltSigns
  • Ways to Cope With Caregiver Guilt8 Tips
  • When to Get Professional Help for Caregiver GuiltWhen to Get Help
  • Who Should I Consult for Help in Overcoming Caregiver Guilt?Who to Consult
  • How to Support a Loved One Who Has Expressed Caregiver GuiltSupport a Loved One
  • Additional ResourcesResources
  • Caregiver Guilt InfographicsInfographics
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