Married couples inevitably face challenges and need to overcome conflicts together, however, if your husband usually becomes angry and shouts during those challenges and conflicts, there could be influences that make him more prone to yelling. Yelling could also be a sign of emotional abuse and a consideration when assessing for safety within a marriage.
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Why Does My Husband Yell at Me?
We have all experienced overwhelming frustration that has resulted in our voice rising to get an important point across. What you might be wondering, however, is why it seems that your husband is always yelling. It can be incredibly challenging to live with someone who resorts to frequent yelling, yet understanding the possible underlying causes may help you approach your husband from an informed perspective.
Here are ten reasons why your husband may yell at you:
1. He Is Struggling With Something Personal
Your husband may be experiencing stress-inducing situations with his work, family, friends, physical or mental health, and beyond, yet he may not have the emotional intelligence (EI) to express himself healthily. Therefore, his frustrations or disappointments may be coming out in the negative form of yelling. Financial stress has been associated with the greatest potential for verbal abuse.1
2. Societal Pressures
American society still tends to impose outdated stereotypes surrounding men and masculinity. Young boys receive messages to “man up” rather than show emotion, and adult men are met with ridicule and shame if they display any behavior deemed “unmanly.” Your husband may have fallen victim to these social pressures and believes that it is his role as a man to be a dominant, no-nonsense figure in the eyes of others, and this extends toward his approach to you.
3. His Parents Didn’t Model Healthy Patterns
We look to our parents and caregivers during childhood to demonstrate appropriate and safe forms of interacting with others. If your husband grew up in a household that either neglected to teach him healthy boundary setting, communication skills, and emotional expression or modeled highly inappropriate, and even abusive, patterns, he might continue to practice behaviors that were normalized and are now habitual. Exposure to abuse in families of origin is one of the main risk factors for men who become emotionally aggressive later in life.1
4. He Lacks Emotion Regulation
An important skill we must learn as children is the ability to regulate our nervous systems properly and, in turn, our emotions. The adults in our lives are meant to act as guides by attuning to their little one’s emotional responses and assisting them in building a tolerance to stress and anger. An emotionally unregulated individual with little to no understanding of how to manage their stressors can easily become a husband with a short temper who yells when he feels overwhelmed.
5. He Lacks Healthy Coping Skills
Being able to effectively regulate emotions and then utilize safe and healthy coping skills is an essential component to resolving both inner conflicts and those that arise within relationships. If your husband has not acquired a toolbox of productive coping techniques for use in times of stress, he may find himself at a loss for how to handle anger and frustration. It is vital for us all to take some time to figure out which steps we can take to assist ourselves during moments of overwhelm rather than acting out aggressively.
6. He Lacks Healthy Communication Skills
Your husband may not have received guidance and support to develop valuable emotional intelligence skills. Many of these skills are necessary for creating and maintaining healthy relationships, perhaps none so much so as communication. Men who are lacking in verbal skills to manage conflict are more prone to acting out with verbal aggression.2
7. Yelling Gets Him What He Wants
Your husband may have learned from experience that aggression is rewarded. If he has been using a loud and intimidating voice and presence throughout life and noticed that it has helped him secure various benefits such as respect, adoration, attention, obedience, promotions, and the like, he may believe that yelling is a means to an end. As such, if you have grown accustomed to submitting to his bellowing demands, his yelling has been further reinforced as advantageous to getting his way, and he will feel emboldened to continue.
8. He Is Insecure or Feels Threatened
A person may raise their voice when feeling a need to reinforce a boundary and assert themselves. If your husband is struggling with a situation in which he feels anxious, intimidated, threatened, or like his grasp on things is slipping for any reason, he could resort to shouting as a way of regaining control.
Men who verbally abuse their spouses are more likely to have experienced an anxious attachment style with their parents in childhood.3 This type of insecure attachment explains their abandonment anxiety, thus a propensity toward jealousy and engaging in frantic behaviors meant to avoid any perceived rejection.3
9. He Has a Need for Power & Control
There are individuals who simply feel a need to exert their power and control over their partner and will use various tactics, including yelling, as the way to do so.4 If you notice that your husband is using yelling to gain and maintain power and control, there could be deeper issues at hand, along with the risk of emotional abuse.
10. He Has a Distorted View of Gender
Your husband could hold misogynistic views, which lead to various ideas about his ability, and even right, to treat his female partner in certain ways. Men who are emotionally abusive score higher for hostility and attitudes condoning aggression.1
Pay attention to how your husband speaks about women and his attitudes toward gender roles within marriage. He may feel entitled, superior, and justified in his actions, thus believing that yelling at his spouse is an acceptable treatment within the confines of the marital vows.
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Is it Normal for My Husband to Yell at Me?
As imperfect humans, it is normal when under stress and/or feeling angry to have lapses in judgment and sometimes unintentionally respond by shouting. However, when the shouting has become an unrelenting pattern with clear secondary impacts, it is no longer normal and should not be tolerated.
Yelling creates an environment of distrust, unease, and, in some cases, fear for the recipient. If your husband cannot focus on the core issues of your conflicts and instead resorts to verbal attacks, you may need to evaluate whether you are in a toxic relationship or a victim of domestic abuse.
When Does Yelling Become Domestic Abuse?
As you analyze the health of your relationship and recognize areas of concern, it may become apparent that the yelling you are experiencing is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic abuse and has been shown to act as an escalator toward further aggression.2 You may notice that the yelling has grown in frequency and intensity over time or even begins to morph into physical aggression.
Paying attention to warning signs within your marriage can help make sense of your husband’s motivations and give you perspective for staying safe. Keep in mind that whatever the motivation, it does not excuse his harmful behaviors. He is ultimately in control of himself and his choices, and therefore, it is his responsibility, and his alone, when he chooses to yell.
Here are some red flags that yelling has become domestic abuse:4
- He blames you for his anger and yelling
- His yelling includes put-downs, belittling, shaming, humiliating, cussing, accusations, intimidation tactics, or threats
- He cannot remain focused on the current issue at hand and rather brings up dozens of other unrelated, possibly even fabricated, issues to muddy the water
- He uses gaslighting to make you question your own reality and perspective of things
- You are afraid of angering him and feel afraid during arguments
- You feel tense and uneasy when an argument starts
- You are concerned with how escalated an argument may become
- If applicable, he has no qualms about yelling in front of the children, and he may even try to include the children in his attack on you
- You are developing symptoms of anxiety or depression or noticing a decrease in your self-worth
- He does not allow you to disagree with him and will yell you into submission
- You find yourself agreeing just to “keep the peace”
- He tries to compensate for his outbursts after the fact by profusely apologizing, buying gifts, and/or making promises to change
What to Do if My Husband Yells at Me?
Your physical safety and emotional well-being are top priorities and should never be put at risk by your husband. While there is no foolproof solution to resolving conflict with a spouse who uses an aggressive communication style, there are steps that you can take to encourage him to seek help toward changing and to keep yourself safe when an explosive argument ensues.
Be aware that you can only control what is within your locus of control, and therefore you will have to acknowledge and accept that your husband must be the one to take accountability for what he can control. A person must recognize the negative impact of their actions on others and be willing to make the necessary changes to improve themselves. If they are not ready or willing, the change cannot, and will not, happen, no matter how badly we wish it would.
Here are some options for dealing with a husband that yells:
Discuss How You Are Feeling
If it feels safe, you may try sitting your husband down when he is in a calm state and sharing how his yelling makes you feel. Try using “I” statements that focus on the impact it has on you rather than placing blame. An example may sound like, “I am concerned with the amount of yelling during arguments lately. I feel scared and confused when you shout at me. Can we talk about how to approach these topics differently in the future?”
Set Ground Rules for Communication
Another tool may be to discuss boundaries for communication with your husband. The old saying “we teach people how to treat us” always rings true when it comes to ensuring that others are aware of our expectations for treatment. Establishing ground rules for how you will and will not be talked to allows you and your husband to be on the same page communication-wise.
Insults are the most common type of verbally aggressive behavior, followed by threats, swearing, and finally, saying something spiteful.2 You can let your husband know that if any of these harmful forms of communication begin to enter the conversation, you will not engage further.
Don’t Yell Back Reactively
Try to resist the urge to yell back. In doing so, he can justify his shouting by claiming that you also participate in this unhealthy behavior. In some cases, abusive men have even used this as a manipulation tactic to make their partner believe that they are really the aggressor and he is only shouting to defend himself. Do not fall for his tricks or give him the satisfaction of having any ounce of emotional power over you.
Instead, take some deep breaths and try to remain calm. Focus on maintaining your composure no matter how hard he tries to trigger a response from you. You can ask that he do the same by pausing to breathe and slowing down his thoughts. If this is unsuccessful or you don’t feel safe encouraging it, see the next suggestion.
Step Away
If you can sense that an argument is brewing, or even if you are already caught up in the middle of one, a perfectly appropriate option may be to step away from the situation. Giving your husband time and space to de-escalate forces him to evaluate his behavior and hopefully return to the conversation with an amended approach.
You can practice the communication boundary-setting skills noted above in these instances by saying something like, “I can see that you are upset, but I will not have you speak to me this way. We need to take a break from this conversation until you can control your temper.”
Note that some men will be able to respect your boundary and appreciate that you are recognizing the negative path the argument is taking. However, some men may interpret this as a threat to their power and control in the marriage and further escalate their yelling tirades. You know your husband best, so you know what the safest option is for responding to him.
Create a Safety Plan
When considering options for responding to your husband’s yelling, it is imperative to factor in your physical and emotional safety needs. A safety plan will include strategies for reducing harm at home, at work, in the community, with technology, and with children and/or pets, and it will review steps for safety when leaving home and/or marriage if applicable. A strategy that works for one person may not work for another, so creating an individualized plan for you and your marriage is immensely beneficial.
You can find tools online to complete one on your own at The Hotline, but it is recommended to speak with an advocate at your local domestic violence agency as they are the experts in highlighting the multiple areas of personal safety a person should consider. Women experiencing domestic abuse have reported contacting a domestic violence agency to be the most effective strategy for their efforts to stay safe.6
Talk to Your Support System
Another effective strategy for physical and emotional safety is to talk with your support system about what you are experiencing. Husbands who yell will often try to make you believe that their behavior is normal and/or that they are justified in their behavior because of something you have done to cause it. By talking with your support system, you can not only receive valuable, outside feedback from a non-involved perspective but you are also letting others know about the unhealthy dynamics playing out in the home. You will have opened the door to people who can help support and encourage you and, if need be, offer refuge during conflicts.
Encourage Him to Seek Counseling (Before You Both Do)
If your husband’s yelling is not improving, and you believe he may be struggling with a mental health disorder, unresolved trauma, or a lack of coping skills, you may think about encouraging him to seek individual counseling. He may benefit from some psychotherapy sessions to review the motivations for his yelling with a skilled therapist who can then assist him in choosing healthier ways of coping and expressing himself.
For some marriages, marriage counseling may be a helpful approach to working through communication struggles together; however, in a marriage where there are issues of a power imbalance and one spouse erupts into shouting at the other at any notion of disagreement, counseling sessions will not only be ineffective but they could pose as highly dangerous for the victim. For this reason, it is not advised for couples to meet together until the aggressor has completed his portion of individual counseling and acknowledged his responsibility.7
Relationships aren’t perfect. Navigate the ups and downs in therapy.
BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week. Take a Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.
Take Some Time Apart or Reevaluate the Marriage’s Future
While usually the last resort, you may have reached a point of contemplating the future of your marriage. You could need to take some time apart from your husband to evaluate your satisfaction with things and determine if continuing to remain married is what you want and if it is what is best.
Take some time to yourself and spend time with other loved ones while asking yourself whether you have been hiding portions of yourself when you are with your husband. Inquire into whether you have become a less authentic person since marrying your spouse and if you have purposely dimmed your light to please him. You may notice your sacrifices have outweighed your happiness.
How Does Yelling Impact a Marriage?
If you are living in a home that no longer feels safe, it is likely that the health of your marriage and family life has deteriorated. When a person is yelled at, their brain will automatically sense danger and respond with defense mechanisms for survival.8 This can result in animosity, withholding of affection, isolation, and a lack of support for one another.
This creates a dysfunctional dynamic for communication and does not allow for open and honest dialogue between partners. Be mindful that any children in the home are also learning these modeled communication patterns and will be more likely to use violence at school or in the community in response to perceived threats.5
When to Seek Professional Support
There are both short- and long-term impacts of emotional abuse. If you notice low-marital satisfaction along with other symptoms like decreased self-worth and ability to trust, depression, anxiety, sleeping problems, anger, or fear, it may be time to reach out for professional support.5 Women often report the consequences of emotional abuse to be as negative, if not more, than those of physical abuse, and it is okay to talk with someone about your concerns.1 You do not deserve to be yelled at, and you do not have to struggle with your marital conflicts alone.
There is a range of different helping professionals available offering varied types of psychotherapy who can offer guidance, education, resources, and support as you consider the best approach for you and your family. An online therapist directory can help you search for a provider in your area or see if an online therapy platform might be a more suitable option. You can also look for your local domestic violence agency or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for more information.
In My Experience
In my experience working with survivors of domestic abuse, women who are frequently yelled at may not recognize this as a form of emotional abuse. If a woman has a family or relationship history of being shouted at, talked down to, and not having her wants and needs valued, she may not identify these toxic behaviors within her marriage. I hope to empower my clients and those reading this article with the knowledge that they don’t deserve to be yelled at, and that help is available.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp
Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started
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Have you ever wondered to yourself, “What if I’m not in love with my partner anymore? What if I’ve never been?” For some people, these thoughts are more than occasional. They can become constant and overwhelming, and even lead to compulsive actions like seeking reassurance to quiet them. When these thoughts and actions rise to the level of obsessive-compulsive order (OCD), they are known as relationship OCD, or ROCD.