14 Signs of a Narcissistic Relationship & How to Cope

14 Signs of a Narcissistic Relationship

Signs of a narcissistic relationship are often difficult to spot when you’re in the thick of it, but a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be emotionally draining and exhausting. Common narcissistic relationship patterns and behaviors can affect your ability to move forward in healthy ways. Unfortunately, if you are the partner of a narcissistic boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse, you’re likely to end up feeling rejected and alone from these toxic behaviors.

Here are 14 signs that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist:

1. They Were Once Incredibly Charming

When you first met them, they seemed like the perfect partner. They were sociable, kind, generous, and very affectionate. They would go out of their way to show you how they feel, show that they care about you, and treat you like a prince or princess (a classic sign of love bombing). They kept this up until you started to trust their intentions were pure and you were on the same page. Over time, this charming attitude goes out the window and they begin to devalue you. This begins the cycle of narcissistic abuse followed by attempts to keep you in their life, so you can continue to feed their narcissist supply.

2. They Make Every Conversation About Them

The topic of conversation is always redirected toward their life and experiences, and the narcissist may say phrases like “you’re just insecure.” They will often interrupt you in order to bring the attention back to themselves with comments about an incident in their past or an accomplishment of theirs. If your opinion differs from theirs, they might correct you, dismiss you, or give you the silent treatment.

3. They Expect Preferential Treatment

Narcissists feel entitled to special privileges. For example, they may hop to the front of a line to get seated immediately at a restaurant, even if others are waiting. When this sense of entitlement is refused by others, the narcissist might become angry, critical, or react with narcissistic rage. Alternatively, they might retreat into silence and withdrawal.

4. They Act Like They Are More Important Than Others

A narcissistic partner will brag about their own accomplishments or skills without recognizing the talents or achievements of others. They appear to be convinced of their own grandiosity, a behavior commonly seen with grandiose narcissism.

5. They Feed Off of Compliments From You & Others

We all like to receive compliments, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, narcissists feed off this external validation. Compliments boost their ego to such a degree that it validates the grandiose sense of self that they have. If they are constantly looking for praise from you or others when you are out in public, and they are relying on that, it’s likely that the narcissist is looking for supply.

6. They Show Little Concern For Your Feelings

Narcissists are preoccupied with their own feelings and needs, seem cold and detached when you need emotional support, and have difficulty making a sincere apology and accepting responsibility for any harm they cause. This can leave you feeling dissatisfied and alone in the relationship.

7. They Are Focused on Superficial Matters

Narcissists prioritize their own appearance, beauty, and social status. They put a lot of effort into their own appearance and criticize any perceived flaws in other people, including you. You may be expected to meet their standards of perfection because they see you as an extension of themself. However, it’s important to remember that criticism in a relationship is never healthy and should not be tolerated.

8. They Have Few (If Any) Friends

Narcissists have a hard time keeping friends because of the one-sided relationship that comes with the territory of NPD. If they have long-time friends, it may be a narcissist/empath friendship, where those friends are empaths and utilizing people-pleasing to feel good about themselves. If you find that your partner fits this description perfectly, it could be indicative of narcissism.

It’s important to note that situations such as friends moving away or being in different life stages doesn’t mean that someone is narcissistic.

9. They Are Charming When It Suits Their Needs

A narcissistic partner will be capable of superficial charm and appear to be extremely confident. However, this engaging social manner can quickly change as they experience a narcissistic injury after being slighted or dismissed by others.

10. They Are Extremely Sensitive to Criticism

They respond to constructive criticism with heated arguments or sudden detachment. A common response is to judge, criticize, or gaslight you, blaming you for the problem or offense that you brought to their attention.

11. They Often Manipulate Others

They use others to meet their own needs, or to fulfill their own dreams. At times, this involves portraying themselves as a victim of unfair circumstances. This is done in an attempt to persuade you or guilt you into doing something that is not in your best interest but does serve their needs.

12. They Ignore Your Boundaries

The root of narcissism is a deep sense of insecurity, which they try to compensate for by controlling everyone and everything they can. Boundaries are an outline of what behaviors you will and will not tolerate, which to a narcissist will feel like having a lack of control. Because of this, narcissists will often blatantly and purposefully ignore your boundaries in order to regain a semblance of control.

13. They Blame & Shame

One way that narcissists attempt to maintain the upper hand is by putting those around them down. This often includes deflecting their mistakes onto others so that they will seek to regain the narcissist’s favor, as well as highlighting the other person’s insecurities and publicly shaming them in order to establish themselves in a position of superiority.

14. They Isolate You

Narcissists may take steps to isolate their partners because they are better able to control you if the only person that they have to gaslight and convince is you. By cutting you off from friends and family, they’re also cutting off objective opinions and people sharing their concern over your well-being. This also means that you’re cut off from any support and resources you might need in order to leave them.

How to Recognize Narcissistic Abuse

Recognizing narcissistic abuse requires awareness of certain emotional and behavioral patterns. One of the most common signs is frequent, harsh criticism from the narcissist, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Over time, this emotional abuse and constant criticism can erode your self-esteem and make you question your worth.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet

Use the following worksheet to track the behaviors of your narcissistic partner, your feelings, and your responses to help recognize if you are trapped in a narcissistic abuse cycle.

Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet

Track your narcissistic partner’s behaviors, your feelings and responses to recognize if you’re in a narcissistic abuse cycle.

Download Free Worksheet

When signs appear, it is important to take them seriously. Narcissistic abuse syndrome can be a devastating experience, but it can also be recognized and treated. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is possible and the help of a skilled therapist can make all the difference. Use the included Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Worksheet to track the behaviors of your narcissistic partner, your feelings, and your responses to help recognize if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and trapped in their abuse cycle.

Understanding the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissistic abuse cycle involves four phases: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. Initially, the narcissist showers you with affection and praise (idealization), creating a sense of a perfect relationship. Next, they start to criticize and use narcissistic manipulation tactics (devaluation), leading to emotional pain and self-doubt. Eventually, they withdraw affection or end the relationship abruptly (discard), leaving you feeling abandoned. Finally, the narcissist attempts to draw you back with promises of change or brief periods of charm (hoovering), restarting the cycle. Recognizing these narcissistic relationship patterns is crucial for breaking free.

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Relationship

Dealing with a narcissistic relationship requires a strategic approach to protect your well-being. The first step is to accept the reality of the situation. Although it’s often best to leave such relationships, it isn’t always possible. The narcissist might be a spouse, co-worker, or family member, making it difficult to cut ties.

If leaving isn’t an option, here are some essential tips for coping and dealing with a narcissistic relationship:

Manage Your Expectations About the Relationship

Managing your expectations is possibly the most difficult yet important way to cope with narcissistic behaviors. Remember, it’s unrealistic to expect a narcissist to change. According to experts in narcissism treatment, a highly motivated narcissist might make small behavioral changes, but even then, it will require persistent effort by them to maintain these changes, and most are not likely to put in that effort.²

Practice Self-Care

It’s common to neglect oneself when caught up in a relationship with a narcissist. Self-care activities involve daily routines that enable you to maintain emotional, physical, and mental well-being. These routines may be a combination of exercise, healthy diet, time with others, and/or a favorite hobby.

Self-care also includes being kind and compassionate to yourself, both in your thoughts and your actions. The narcissist might react to your self-care with complaints that they’re being neglected, but it’s important to maintain self-care. If needed, get support or reminders of your self-worth from others.

Use our Self-Care Inventory Worksheet to discover potential new activities you can participate in to improve your overall well-being.

Self-Care Inventory Worksheet

Take an inventory of self-care activities you do well, explore new self-care activities and find potential opportunities to feel better.

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Shift Your Time & Energy To Healthier Relationships

Unhealthy relationships can be frustrating, confusing, and disappointing. Try to put your energy and efforts into the relationships you value (who value you, too), such as family members or friends. Talking with others about the problems caused by the narcissist might help you see the facts of the situation more clearly and respond wisely.

Educate Yourself About Narcissism

A therapist can help you to identify true narcissistic behaviors. If you’re only experiencing one or two signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist, you may benefit from getting a deeper understanding of what’s happening in your particular relationship.

Set Boundaries & Stick to Them

Setting healthy boundaries in a relationship is important, as they determine the limits of what you will and will not tolerate. For example, the narcissist may repeatedly borrow items from you and not return them, or ask you to lend them cash without paying you back. Try setting a limit as to which items (if any) you are willing to lend in the future, or how much cash you are willing to lend. Use our Setting Healthy Boundaries Worksheet to help define your boundaries and learn how to stick to them.

How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet

Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.

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Narcissistic people might react badly to limit-setting. They will not easily accept that your needs are equally as important as their own.³ Remind yourself of the consequences of their past refusal to keep their promises.

Be Aware of Your Own Vulnerabilities

Narcissists are often drawn to people who are kind, forgiving, and eager to help others. Although these are admirable traits, they become vulnerabilities when in a relationship with a narcissist, who will try to appeal to your sympathies by portraying themselves as a victim.

They make the “pity play” at times when they hope to gain your sympathy or create a feeling of guilt on your part. Usually, this is done to compel you to do something for them that is against your better judgement.³ By remaining aware of your own tendencies to help, you’re better able to make good decisions.

Don’t Rely on the Narcissist’s Promises

Narcissists are frequently deceitful. At times, they deceive just to see if they can get away with it. Other times, they deceive in order to manipulate others to do something specific. Due to this persistent need to deceive, it is unwise to rely on their promises.⁴

Don’t Take Their Criticisms to Heart

Criticism and judgment are tools used by a narcissist to control others. Repeated criticism often leaves a person feeling as though they’re “not good enough,” or that they need the narcissist in their life. Keep perspective on any criticism from the narcissist. Ask a trusted friend, family member, or therapist for a supportive reality check.

When to Break Up With a Narcissist

Breaking up with the narcissist is usually the best plan of action, but it’s rarely simple or easy to know how to get over a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse may have already caused you to doubt your own reality. With injured self-esteem and lowered self-confidence, you may be fearful of making any major life changes. It’s usually best to distance yourself so you can start the stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.⁵