Having a parent with OCPD presents risks to the psychological well-being of a child. While there are some practical benefits to having a parent with OCPD, studies indicate that in the long run children of OCPD parents are at risk of developing insecure attachment, low self-esteem, eating disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).1
Research on Effects of OCPD Parents & Impact of Common Issues
Research does not indicate any particular formula for the effects of an OCPD parent. Nor do studies necessarily apply to your individual situation. Some individuals thrive despite deficit parenting, and others struggle despite what appears to have been good enough parenting. Take into consideration what others have to say, but listen carefully to your own experience.
Research about the impact of particular issues common to parents with OCPD is more specific:
- Workaholic parents have increased risk for children with lower self-acceptance, diminished psychological well-being, more physical complaints, and their own workaholic tendencies.2
- Intrusive parenting may lead children to be overly critical of themselves, and raise the chances of a child eventually developing anxiety or depression.3
- Parents who are perceived by their adolescents as controlling tend to have children with lower levels of academic achievement, lower likelihood of being in a romantic relationship, and less developed sense of autonomy.4
- Authoritarian parenting appears to discourage creativity.5
What Is It Like to Live With an OCPD Parent?
OCPD manifests differently in different individuals. They may be domineering, workaholic, people-pleasing or inclined to procrastination.6 Those parents who are domineering tend to be the most difficult to live with. They can be frustrating, infuriating and frightening. Their rigidity, stubbornness, and insistence on things being done in a particular way can leave a child feeling that they cannot trust their natural inclinations.
For instance, simple tasks such as loading the dishwasher can become the cause of outbursts if not done to the specifications of the OCPD parent. Mild deviations from the rules can disturb the OCPD parent so much that their anxiety may lead to angry outbursts directed at the child.
Here are some of the common problems of OCPD parenting:
Over-Reactive Emotionally
People with OCPD sometimes have difficulty handling their emotions.7 They sometimes become over-reactive and this can be frightening for a child.
Overprotective but Distant
Because many people with OCPD have insecure attachment,8 they often don’t bond well with their children. They focus more on doing things, and on doing things perfectly, rather than on connecting well with others. In one study, fathers with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder were found to exhibit lower levels of care, and higher levels of overprotection. People with OCPD have high levels of depression, and depression was associated with low maternal care and high maternal overprotection.9
Lacking in Empathy
Parents with OCPD often have difficulty expressing empathy.10 While the parent feels that they are doing the right thing to help their child, they may miss entirely the impact that their approach has on the emotional well-being of the child.
Unrealistic Standards
Parents with OCPD often set very unrealistic standards for their children. They may not be aware of what age-appropriate behavior is for their child, nor with the fact that the brain doesn’t fully mature until about age 26.
What Are the Mental Health Effects of Having a Parent With OCPD?
Actual research on the results of OCPD parenting is very limited,11 but clinical observation suggests a number of dangers for the child:
- The parent’s difficulty in relaxing and playing may leave the child feeling uncomfortable doing the things that children need to do to develop independence, authenticity and creativity.
- Unrealistic demands for perfection can lead to low-self esteem, anxiety and depression. The child may generalize, and feel that they will never be able to live up to expectations whoever they are with, or wherever they are.
- Children need validation of their emotions to mature healthily. OCPD parents, however, are usually so focused on correcting the child that they fail to develop and express empathy for what the child actually experiences.
- While single episodes of anger or loss of control are rarely the cause of long-lasting mental health issues, the persistence of an OCPD parent’s perfectionism and control can exert deeper effects. In order to placate the parent, the child may disconnect from their own feelings and body. In the long term this can leave them unaware of what they want and what they value.
- Other children may choose to rebel against compulsive parents and throw out the baby with the bathwater: responsibility, determination, and hard work are sacrificed to be independent.
How Can an Adult Child Support Their Parent With OCPD?
Awareness of OCPD as an actual mental health disorder can help the adult child of a compulsive parent to develop a more realistic and supportive perspective on their parents. It may also improve the situation for the child as well.
Here are eight tips for managing your relationship with an OCPD parent:
- Remember that they feel an intense, moral responsibility to do what they believe is the right thing, even if it seems hurtful to you as their child. This is not to excuse any inappropriate behavior. But if you can see the underlying motivation, and acknowledge it verbally, it may help you respond differently to them.
- Remember that perfection and control is how they try to deal with their anxiety.
- Understand that OCPD is partly genetic: there is a limit to how much they can change. But the extreme nature of it comes from their insecurity, and their need to prove themselves to be good people. This can improve with psychotherapy.
- Help them to remember and focus on what’s actually most important to them. For instance: “Dad, what’s more important, how well the cupboards are organized, or how Mom feels when you talk to her?”
- While some parents may find it helpful to know that they actually have a mental illness (OCPD), others might respond negatively to such a statement. In cases such as these, it’s best to find a way to describe them that recognizes their intentions and the positive aspects of their personality, such as driven, meticulous, or scrupulous.
- Let them know that you know they don’t want to hurt you, but that the way they treat you is painful for you.
- Point out how their behavior actually gets in the way of them getting what they want.
- Remember that change is usually possible, but difficult. It takes commitment from the parent, but if they can turn their OCPD energy onto their emotional and behavioral issues, with help and support they can be successful in becoming more supportive and less critical.
How to Maintain Mental Health When Dealing with an OCPD Parent
Awareness of the impact of an OCPD parent can be helpful, but your well-being will require that you focus on what you can do for yourself, and that you not get stuck in focusing on how they have raised you:
- Don’t take their criticisms personally.
- Don’t buy into their standards of perfection.
- In some cases the personality disorder is so severe that they will not be able to change. In cases such as these it will be important to protect yourself as best you can.
- Remember that family history is not your destiny: your mental health will not be determined solely by the quality of your parents’ parenting, but also by your own intentions and commitment to your own wellbeing. Be a survivor, not a victim.
- Ask yourself how you adapted (e.g. by complying or rebelling) to your parents’ specific issues (e.g. control and perfectionism), so that you can find other ways of navigating the world as an adult.
- Get support for yourself. Individual therapy, group therapy, and support groups can all be helpful in developing more realistic standards for yourself.
Final Thoughts on Dealing With an OCPD Parent
Recognizing the impact that your parent’s personality disorder has had on you is a good way to begin achieving mental health. But keep moving on: Focus on what is within your control, rather than your history and what is out of your control. With time, conscious intention can eventually outweigh deficit parenting.
For Further Reading
Effects of an OCPD Parent Infographics
