Being Raised By OCPD Parents: Effects & How to Cope

Living With an OCPD Parent

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) in parents manifests differently in everyone but frequently involves domineering, workaholic, and people-pleasing characteristics.⁶ Parents with OCPD who are domineering can be frustrating, infuriating, and frightening. Their rigidity, stubbornness, and insistence on things being done in a particular way can leave a child feeling that they cannot trust their natural inclinations.

For example, simple tasks such as loading the dishwasher can cause outbursts if not done to the specifications of the OCPD parent. Mild deviations from the rules can disturb the OCPD parent so much that their anxiety leads them to lash out at their child.

Common characteristics of an OCPD parent include:

• Emotional instability: People with OCPD sometimes have difficulty handling their emotions.⁷ They sometimes become over-reactive and this can be frightening for a child.
• Distant or cold: Because many people with OCPD have insecure attachments, they often don’t bond well with their children.⁸ They focus more on doing things perfectly, rather than on connecting well with others.
• Overprotective: In one study, fathers with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder were found to exhibit lower levels of care and higher levels of overprotective. Additionally, co-occurring depression and OCPD were associated with low maternal care and high maternal overprotection.⁹
• Lack of empathy: Parents with OCPD commonly may struggle to develop and express empathy for what their child actually experiences.¹⁰ While the parent feels they are doing the right thing to help, they may entirely miss the impact that their approach has on the emotional well-being of the child. Children need validation of their emotions to mature healthily.
• Setting unrealistic expectations: Parents with OCPD set unrealistic standards. They may not be aware of what age-appropriate behavior is for their child, nor the fact that the brain doesn’t fully mature until after childhood.

Effects of Having OCPD Parents 

Research is mixed regarding the effects of being raised by OCPD parents. Studies cannot account for individual situations. Some children go on to thrive despite deficit parenting, and others struggle even with normal approaches to parenting. Take into consideration what others have to say, but listen carefully to your own experience.

The impacts of having parents with OCPD may include:

• Workaholism: Having workaholic parents increases the risk of children developing workaholism themselves, along with lower self-acceptance and diminished psychological well-being.²
• Self-criticism: Intrusive parenting may lead children to be overly critical of themselves, and raises the chances of a child eventually developing anxiety or depression.³
• Decreased likelihood of success: Children of OCPD parents may experience lower levels of academic achievement and limited romantic relationships.⁴
• Diminished creativity: Authoritarian parenting appears to discourage creativity.⁵ The parent’s difficulty in relaxing and playing may leave the child feeling uncomfortable doing the things that children need to do to develop independence, authenticity, and creativity.
• Mental health conditions: Unrealistic demands for perfection can lead to low-self esteem, anxiety, and depression. The child may generalize and feel that they will never be able to live up to expectations whoever they are with or wherever they are.
• Lack of autonomy: The persistence of an OCPD parent’s perfectionism and control can exert deeper effects. In order to placate the parent, the child may disconnect from their own feelings and body. In the long term, this can result in a less developed sense of autonomy, leaving them unaware of what they want and value.
• Rebellion: Some children of OCPD parents may choose to rebel against their parents and disregard responsibility, determination, and hard work in order to be independent.

Supporting a Parent With OCPD

Awareness of OCPD as an actual mental health disorder can help an adult child of a compulsive parent develop a more realistic and supportive perspective on their parents. It may also improve the situation for the child as well.

Below are tips for managing your relationship with an OCPD parent:

• Recognize their true intentions: Remember that your parents feel an intense, moral responsibility to do what they believe is the right thing, even if it seems hurtful to you as their child. This is not to excuse any inappropriate behavior. But if you can see the underlying motivation, and acknowledge it verbally, it may help you respond differently to them.
• Acknowledge their condition: Remember that perfection and control are how they try to deal with their anxiety. Understand that OCPD is partly genetic and there is a limit to how much they can change. The extreme nature of OCPD comes from their insecurity and need to prove themselves to be good people.
• Remind them of what’s really important: Help them to remember and focus on what’s actually most important to them. For instance, try asking, “What’s more important, how well the cupboards are organized or how Mom feels when you talk to her?”
• Focus on the positives: While some parents may find it helpful to know that they have an actual mental illness, others might respond negatively to such a statement. In cases such as these, it’s best to find a way to describe OCPD that recognizes your parent’s intentions and the positive aspects of their personality, such as being driven, meticulous, or scrupulous.
• Express your feelings: Let them know that you know they don’t want to hurt you, but that the way they treat you is painful for you.
• Call out their behavior: Point out how their behavior can get in the way of them getting what they want.
• Be patient: Remember that change is usually possible, but difficult. It takes commitment from the parent, but flipping their OCPD energy onto improving their emotions and behaviors in treatment for OCPD can be beneficial.

How to Cope With Having an OCPD Parent

Awareness of the impact of an OCPD parent can be helpful, but your well-being will require that you focus on what you can do for yourself and that you not get stuck in focusing on how they have raised you.

Below are some tips for coping with an OCPD parent:

• Don’t take their behaviors to heart: Don’t take their criticisms personally or buy into their standards of perfection.
• Prioritize your well-being: OCPD symptoms can become so severe that your parent will not be able to change. In cases such as these, it will be important to protect yourself as best you can.
• Focus on yourself: Remember that family history is not your destiny. Your mental health will not be determined solely by the quality of your parents’ parenting, but also by your own intentions and commitment to your own well-being. Be a survivor, not a victim.
• Address your challenges: Ask yourself how you adapted (e.g. by complying or rebelling) to your parents’ specific issues (e.g. control and perfectionism) so you can find other ways of navigating the world as an adult.
• Seek support: Get support for yourself. Individual therapy, group therapy, and support groups can all be helpful in developing more realistic standards for yourself. Online options like BetterHelp make it easier to find someone familiar with rigid family dynamics.

Final Thoughts

Recognizing the impact that your parent’s OCPD has had on you is a good way to begin focusing on improving your mental health. Keep moving on and focus on what is within your control, rather than your history and what is out of your power to change. With time, conscious intention can outweigh deficit parenting.