Outercourse: What it Is, Benefits, Risks & How to Do It

What Is Outercourse?

Outercourse is a wide-open term regarding sexual activity. Folks who identify with any gender identity or sexual orientation can enjoy this sexual behavior. Since the definition of outercourse varies, the actions that count as outercourse depends on who’s practicing it. Outercourse might include any of the following: kissing, massage, dry humping, mutual masturbation, sex toys, manual stimulation, oral sex, or anal sex.

Outercourse Vs. Abstinence

Outercourse behaviors include any sexual activities that are not intercourse. Many individuals engaging in sexual activity might want that intimacy and pleasure without having vaginal sex and/or risking pregnancy. The technical definition of abstinence is not engaging in sexual activity. Abstinence means different things to different people, but for most people, abstinence means not having sex with anyone. Sometimes people use abstinence as birth control to prevent pregnancy.²

Outercourse prevents pregnancy as abstinence does: keeping the sperm away from an egg. Using outercourse as birth control means you do some sexual activities, but you don’t have vaginal sex (penis-in-vagina) or get any semen (cum) in the vagina.

Why People Have Outercourse

There are many reasons to engage in outercourse. Health is at the top of that list!! One often underappreciated reason for outercourse is that it is a cost-free, natural, and effective way for individuals to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) while still enjoying sexual pleasure and sexual intimacy.³ This protection can be important for those worried about pregnancy or STIs.

Outercourse requires no equipment and is comparatively low risk to intercourse activities. For adolescents or adults exploring their sexuality, it may be psychologically more manageable than trying to suppress sexual arousal or activity out of fear of pregnancy or disease.

Common reasons someone might be interested in outercourse include:

• Not having or not wanting to use birth control: Using condoms or other birth control methods to prevent pregnancy or transmitting sexually transmitted infections can sometimes kill the mood! Outercourse can allow for sexual pleasure without that worry.
• One partner doesn’t want penetration: Heteronormative sexuality focuses on PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse. For many reasons, an individual might not want to engage in penetration, vaginal or otherwise, including body dysmorphia, a history of sexual trauma, or a painful health condition that prevents them from enjoying penetration. Penetration is not an obligation in a sexual relationship.
• One partner is having her period: Sometimes, a woman who is actively menstruating might not feel physically comfortable with or interested in penetrative sex. In addition, some cultural and individual constructs avoid penetrative vaginal sex during menstruation.
• Fertility tracking: A woman or an individual assigned female at birth (AFAB) must understand her menstrual cycle to avoid pregnancy (or try to get pregnant!) Natural family planning is a method of birth control that works by finding the most fertile days when you are at risk of pregnancy. During this fertile window, it’s important not to have unprotected penetrative sex. For some people, this means using condoms; for others, this means abstaining from penetrative sex. Enter outercourse!! Outercourse is a great way to explore pleasure at any time of the cycle – not just during your fertile or infertile days!
• One or both partners are not ready for sex: It is not uncommon for partners to be in a different space about sex. It might be because yours is a new relationship, or one of you is asexual/aromantic. It might be if one partner is exploring their sexuality or waiting until a relationship feels emotionally safe. Outercourse can be an excellent way to get to know someone better and enjoy yourself sexually without penetration or other activities you might not be ready for.
• Wanting to try something new: Individuals of all sexualities and gender orientations might try outercourse to increase sexual or emotional intimacy. Sometimes it can be fun to try something new, something you haven’t engaged in recently, or with this partner.
• Trying to improve your foreplay experience: It can be stimulating to move ahead in a sexual encounter and respond to your arousal. Don’t forget about foreplay! Outercourse allows you to learn what you and your partner are in the mood for.

Benefits of Outercourse

Orgasms are not guaranteed, regardless of your chosen type of sexual activity. Heteronormative culture focuses on orgasm and penetration as the end game of sexual activity. However, outercourse and non-penetrative sex can sometimes do better than traditional penetrative behaviors for folks of all genders and sexual orientations.

Some benefits of outercourse may include:

Reduced Risk of Pregnancy

Historically, preventing unwanted pregnancy was attempted by trying to keep pubescent and adolescent girls away from all contact with pubescent boys and men until marriage.³ Hopefully today, an increasing number of individuals recognize that this prohibition might not work and might inflict some psychological distress. Outercourse offers a solution, but you still need to be careful. While it is more challenging to get pregnant from outercourse than traditional, penetrative sex, it is possible to get pregnant if the sperm enters the vagina near the fertile window even without penetration.

Reduced Risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)

We used to talk about safe sex, but now the preferred language is “safer sex.” Truthfully, the only way to protect yourself from an STI (formerly called STDs) is to abstain from sexual interaction with another individual and ensure that your toys are yours alone. Abstinence is 100% effective at preventing the spread of sexually transmitted infections. If you don’t have any sexual contact with another person, you can’t get STDs. Still, your risk for STIs is lower with outercourse than with penetrative sex.²

Increased Trust & Closeness Between Partners 

As noted above, people are not always interested in penetrative sex. Sometimes body dysmorphia can interfere with an individual’s interest in certain sexual behaviors. Sometimes a person has pain or another medical condition that makes intercourse uncomfortable or painful. Partners can enjoy a lot of sexual pleasure and increase trust and intimacy.

Help You Better Understand Your Bodies

Outercourse can help you learn how you (and your partner) like to be touched and what feels good. Maybe it’s a new partner or relationship, or you have learned something new about your sexuality that you want to explore.

Improve Mental & Physical Health

Sex can offer mental and physical health benefits. Outercourse counts as sex and can grant you these benefits, whether solo or with a partner, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. Some of the primary mental health benefits include a reduction of depressive or anxious symptoms, increased satisfaction with your mental health, increased levels of trust, intimacy, and love in your relationships, and improved ability to perceive, identify, and express emotions.

Some physical benefits from sexual behavior (and outercourse) are lowering blood pressure, burning calories, increasing heart health, strengthening muscles, reducing your risk of heart disease, stroke, and hypertension, and increasing libido.

Disadvantages of Outercourse

While sex positivity is a great attitude and allows us to embrace a diverse sexual life (or no sex life), sexual behaviors are not entirely risk-free. Outercourse can have some disadvantages. Some types of outercourse can spread STDs — like anything that involves skin-to-skin genital touching or sharing sexual fluids. And while rare, if semen gets on a vulva or in a vagina during outercourse, pregnancy can happen.²

Sometimes people planning to use outercourse to prevent pregnancy don’t have a backup birth control method ready, just in case. If you get caught up in the heat of the moment and have unprotected sex, it can lead to pregnancy and spread STDs. Outercourse can lead to intercourse, but not if you are mindful. Swapping sexual fluids (like if you have semen on your hand and touch your partner’s genitals) can transmit STDs. You can use barriers like condoms, dental dams, gloves, and finger cots to help avoid contact with sexual fluids. Remember that touching your bare genitals together (dry humping) without clothes on can spread certain STDs (like herpes and HPV), even if you don’t swap fluids.

How to Have Outercourse

It is always a good idea to discuss your expectations with a partner before engaging in sexual activity. That way, everyone involved knows the plan and limitations before you get caught up in the moment.

Examples of outercourse may include:

• Kissing: Some people think kissing is the ultimate intimate or sexual connection. A sexy kiss can elicit many brain activities that transmit tactile sensations, sexual excitement, feelings of closeness, motivation, and even euphoria. Kisses can often indicate important information about the status and future of a relationship.
• Massage: Is there anything sexier than a massage? Rubbing, kneading, and stroking your partner’s body with your hands (maybe with lotion or scented oil) is a safe and delightful form of outercourse. The erotic pleasure from feeling your partner’s body underneath your hands is fantastic.
• Dry humping: Dry humping involves rubbing your genitals against your partner’s genitals or body, often with clothes still on. Dry humping might also entail someone rubbing their penis or clitoris between their partner’s bottom cheeks or thighs in a simulation of intercourse. It can feel amazing and has a much lower risk of STI transmission and pregnancy than penetrative sex. Wearing underwear makes dry humping safer, but it may not prevent all skin-to-skin genital contact or keep sexual fluids away. And some STDs can live in areas that underwear doesn’t always cover (like your upper thighs or butt cheeks).²
• Mutual masturbation: This can describe two different things. Firstly, it can mean partners touching each other at the same time, or it can mean partners touching themselves at the same time, usually while looking at one another. The latter option is extremely hot and has the lowest risk of STI transmission. You can even do it over the phone or via computer!
• Cybersex: Cybersex is any sexual activity that occurs virtually between two or more people, including sexting, sharing sexual images or videos with a partner, webcam sex, and chatroom sex. The new computer-mediated communication technologies allow us to examine the nature of human interaction in a uniquely disembodied environment that potentially transforms the nature of self, body, and situation. Sex is fundamentally an activity using our physical bodies and is ideal for examining these potential transformations.⁵
• Manual stimulation: Using your hands on your partner’s genitals can be seen as outercourse. However, suppose one person’s vagina or anus is being penetrated. In that case, some people may view it as intercourse instead of outercourse.
• Oral sex: Oral sex can be considered safer sex as it doesn’t involve vaginal penetration. Not everyone would agree on categorizing oral sex as outercourse, though, as it all depends on your parameters for what outercourse is or isn’t. Even though oral sex cannot get you pregnant, it can still spread STIs, so if you’re engaging in oral sex, you’ll need to use a barrier method to reduce the risk of transmission.

• Anal sex: As its name implies, anal sex involves exploring your partner’s buttocks, anus, and rectum with your hands, mouth, toys, or sex organs. Some do not consider this as outercourse activity because it can involve penetration and there are risks of STIs. However, it cannot result in pregnancy.

Does Outercourse Lead to Intercourse?

People can have fulfilling sex lives without penetration. People can have fulfilling lives without any sexual activity. As discussed above, there are many sexual options if you want to engage in sexual activity with another person (or people) but do not want to have penetrative sex. Like all elements of sexuality, it is highly personalized, and reasons to engage in penetration or not are valid.

If outercourse causes you to want intercourse (because you want more), you still have the choice of whether you wish to proceed. Hopefully, you and your partner have discussed options, boundaries, and other sexual elements ahead of time so that neither person feels pressured, compelled, or coerced in the heat of the moment.

Some people claim that one of the drawbacks of outercourse is that it can lead to intercourse. The idea that outercourse automatically leads to intercourse makes it seem that people don’t have any sexual agency. Some sexual enjoyment may indeed lead to people wanting more. If outercourse leads you to want intercourse, you can choose whether or not you wish to have intercourse. That’s also true if you’re not having outercourse! Penetration isn’t the end goal of sexual activity.

How to Talk to a Therapist About Sexual Concerns

Sometimes, it can be helpful to talk to a therapist about your sexuality. You might be exploring your sexual orientation or questioning your gender identity. You might want help in coming out to friends or family. A supportive individual who isn’t connected to your life can be valuable. How to keep you and your partner safer around sex or wanting to learn about birth control is also a great reason to talk to a professional.

Are all therapists open to discussing sexual topics? That is a tricky question! Ideally, mental health professionals will allow you to discuss your needs in a safe environment. Look here for some tips to find a therapist to help you explore your sexuality. A mental health professional can help you individually or within a partnership, and you can choose between sex therapy or couples counseling.

In My Experience

In my experience, people may be reluctant to talk about sexuality or honestly acknowledge to themselves what they like, want, or need. It’s also really challenging to talk about this within a partnership. Still, it’s that communication that can help keep us all safe. You and your partner can decide together what you are comfortable with, recognizing that your needs and aversions may change over time. Respectful conversations can avoid a lot of disappointment and unmet expectations.

Remember, your sexuality is for you!! No one else can define or label your gender identity or sexual orientation. You can change your mind about whether you want to engage in sexual behavior and what that behavior looks like.