How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Why It’s Important to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

In romantic or sexual relationships, sex helps to foster a closer connection and build a stronger relationship foundation. Having open and honest conversations regarding sex helps each partner learn how to meet each other’s needs and reciprocate love and intimacy.

Talking about sex can increase the physical intimacy and emotional intimacy between partners by building a more secure and stable dynamic where they feel safe and are able to trust more. Sexual communication enhances feelings of intimacy, leading to more intimate sex and greater sexual satisfaction.¹

Topics to Discuss When Talking About Sex

When discussing sex, each partner should discuss topics that they care about in order to deepen their connection and build trust. Remember that there is no right or wrong topic. As long as you focus on listening and being open, the conversation should go smoothly.

Topics to cover when discussing sex with your partner include:

Changes in Libido

Changes in libido may happen to everyone at any time. Discussing libido changes with your partner is important to communicate why you may not be in the mood as much or explain newly conflicting sex drives. Certain health issues, insecurities, stress, and sexual disorders can all affect a person’s libido and lead to a dead bedroom (lack of sexual activity). Without bringing these changes into the open, they can have a lasting effect on your overall relationship.

Crying During Sex

While completely normal for some people, if you or your partner experiences crying during sex or after orgasm, you should take the time to talk about how you’re feeling.

Wanting to Try Something New

Discovering new likes and dislikes can be an exciting part of your sexual relationship. You should not be afraid to tell your partner if you want to try something new as this can help prevent issues from having boring sex. Discussing new sexual ideas or fantasies you may want to try is easier if you focus on what you like and why this would turn you on.

Lack of Intimacy

Discussing a lack of sexual intimacy in your relationship is critical to its success. Discussing the level of intimacy you need to feel loved, engaged, and sexual allows you to open the door to discuss any changes necessary to create more satisfaction.

Dismissing a lack of intimacy can cause you to feel increasingly disconnected in your relationship, creating even bigger issues.

Practicing Safe Sex

Practicing safe sex is something every couple should be discussing before intimacy begins. Protecting yourself and your partner should be addressed before your sexual relationship develops. Bring up ways you expect to practice safe sex, allowing you both to set healthy boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable starting the conversation, you can always begin with questions. For example, “How have you practiced safe sex in the past?” and “What are ways you are comfortable with handling the topic of safe sex?”. When you ask questions, you are showing your partner you are interested in learning about their needs as well as addressing your concerns.

Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies may come across as a challenging topic. Sharing fantasies can feel vulnerable as you are exposing your intimate thoughts. However sexual fantasies are perfectly natural. No one should feel bad having personal fantasies as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. As you each open up and share your innermost desires, you may start to feel more at ease and stable in the relationship. These conversations can build trust and a deeper connection when exploring intimacy together.

Discussing a sexual fantasy does not mean you have to fulfill your partner’s desire if it makes you uncomfortable. However, sharing your innermost thoughts with your partner without feeling judged or shamed can deepen your connection in and out of the bedroom.

When Sex Isn’t Appropriate

Discussing when sex isn’t appropriate helps to establish healthy boundaries. Each person may feel differently about when they want or do not want to engage in sex. Some partners don’t feel sex is appropriate right after arguments, when someone is dealing with mental health issues or medical issues, or if they’re feeling less connected. Communicating your expectations on when you consider sex appropriate or inappropriate is important to stay connected with your partner.

Family Planning

When you are in a relationship, family planning will eventually become a topic that should be discussed. Each partner can share their expectations of if or when they want to start planning for a family. If you and your partner have different expectations, then this should be explored through an open and honest conversation. Depending on when you both feel ready to start family planning, you can start to discuss sex and how you want to meet those planning needs.

When to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Talking about sex with your partner should be presented at a time when you both are feeling connected and in a positive environment. Sex should not be discussed during an argument with your partner, which can lead to lasting insecurities and issues.

Initially, the topic of sex should be brought up before you even begin to explore each other sexually. The more you discuss uncomfortable or vulnerable topics, the closer you will feel and the easier it becomes to address any concerns that may come up within the relationship.

The right time to talk about sex is:

• When you are both calm: Choose a time when you are both at ease and in a good mood. This will be the best time to openly discuss a sensitive topic.
• When you feel emotionally and physically connected: Choose a time when you both feel connected on an emotional and physical level. This will allow you to feel less threatened by discussing vulnerabilities.
• When you have something to say: Do not hold back when important topics such as sex. Plan on sharing your sexual desires and concerns with your partner.

Before discussing sex with your partner, you should:

• Avoid discussing sexual problems after intercourse: Discussing sexual problems after intercourse may feel like a critique. Bringing up the topic of sex when you are both spending quality time together and when you are feeling comfortable can reduce the emotional charge of these conversations. If you wait until after intercourse, you risk you or your partner feeling more vulnerable and insecure.
• Don’t blindside your partner: In order to avoid blindsiding your partner, you want to be honest at the very beginning stages of intimacy. Have gentle conversations about what you like and don’t like so that your partner is introduced to your preferences. If you wait until months after, they may feel like you have kept information from them and may feel insecure and betrayed. This may break the trust some couples have.
• Choose a neutral location to discuss: Choosing a neutral location to discuss any intimate and sensitive topic is important to keep the discussion as calm as possible. When picking a location, you want to choose one that makes you both feel at ease. Preferably this place is not too crowded and not too loud so you can focus on what your partner is sharing with you. You want to be aware of how many people are around you so neither of you feels as if your privacy is being exposed. Places in your house such as your bedroom are normally where you are intimate with one another. Having a conversation like this one in your bedroom may disrupt the atmosphere of that room and may trigger your partner to have negative emotions entering that room. 

10 Tips for Talking About Sex With Your Partner

Some couples may benefit from regular check-ins to stay consistent with connecting on their intimacy. For couples feeling particularly disconnected, more frequent conversations allowing them to reconnect and check-in can be helpful.

Ten tips for discussing sex with your partner are:

1. Schedule a Time

Scheduling a time to talk allows both partners to prepare what they want to express and process their feelings. When scheduling, search for days or times that you know you will be calm and more relaxed. It is best not to try to talk about something during more stressful times of the day like just getting home from work. Instead, carve out time to share your feelings when you’re both feeling comfortable and unhurried.

2. Be Sensitive to Their Feelings

Since discussing any topic of intimacy can make people feel more vulnerable, it’s important to be sensitive to their feelings. When sharing your thoughts, use words or phrases that provide comfort to your partner. You can start with what you do like and ease into what changes you would like to see in the future. Improving your relationship communication skills includes using validation and reflective listening to ensure your partner feels heard and understood.

3. Ask Questions

Asking questions is always helpful as this provides your partner the chance to clarify. When you ask questions, you no longer have to fill in the gaps with any negative narrative or worried thoughts, you stop assuming and get the real answers. Asking your partner questions about intimacy and what they would like can improve sex for both of you. By asking these questions it shows that you are willing to listen and engage in new ideas.

4. Start Slowly

In order to start a delicate conversation, it is important to start slowly and ease into the topic. You can set the stage and set up a calm and quiet environment to get in the mood for talking about intimacy. This doesn’t mean you have to set the mood to be sexual but rather just a peaceful environment in order to reduce any feelings of overwhelming emotions.

5. Share Your Feelings

Since this is a sensitive topic and may leave people feeling vulnerable, sharing helps to connect. By sharing your feelings, you are able to make yourself more relatable to your partner, and they can feel comfortable opening up. Start by sharing your feelings to open the conversation with ease. You can always practice by writing out your feelings first and then sharing them with your partner.

6. Remain Non-Judgmental

When you judge, your partner can shut down and lose trust. By remaining non-judgmental, you allow your partner to feel secure that they are in a safe space. Try not to use criticism when discussing sex as that will make your partner feel judged. If you start with praise and positive words, it will help you to stay focused on speaking from a place of openness and gratitude.

7. Be Patient

Sex is a vulnerable and sensitive topic, therefore, being patient with your partner is important. Creating a safe space where you are open to listening and not pressuring your partner to share, will allow them to feel more comfortable in expressing themselves. You can also practice being mindful of placing yourself in their shoes. Mute the negative inner dialogue and allow yourself to listen without reacting.

8. Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements allows you to focus on your needs rather than focusing on what you are not receiving from your partner. This helps to reduce any feelings of defensiveness. This can also reduce the blame that may be projected onto your partner and allows you to take ownership of your actions. Using “I” statements helps to share what you want such as “I feel aroused when you touch me on my leg” or “I feel rejected when I initiate intimacy, and it goes unnoticed”.

9. Stay on Point & Be Clear

Staying focused on your feelings is important to not create mixed signals and miscommunication. Preparing for the conversation will help you to stay on point and remember what you want to express. Do your best to be clear about what you need rather than talking in circles because you are unsure. If you practice being assertive with your words it will help you to communicate in a simple and well-defined manner.

10. Approach the Conversation With a Warm & Open Mind

Being open and warm allows your partner to feel you are validating their feelings and needs. Being empathetic keeps you and your partner feeling connected in an emotional sense. Staying open-minded allows you to take a pause and not react initially with a negative response. By having an open mind, you are able to provide empathy and understanding to your partner. This shows them that you are willing to listen to them and what they want to share.

How to Address Differences

Upon entering a relationship, most people find that their expectations don’t always align with their reality. Approaching this topic should be done with sensitivity and openness. Expressive communication about sexual preferences is thought to enhance perceptions of intimacy, thereby contributing to great sexual satisfaction.⁴

Each person should take time to figure out what they actually want so they can express this in detail to their partner. Easing into compromising can also be a warm and caring way to connect. Trying new sexual techniques can show your partner you are open to building a deeper sexual connection. This can look like one person sharing their sexual preference one week and then alternating each week to try something different. Depending on the frequency of sexual intimacy, this quantity can vary for each couple and does not have to be a certain number.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you’re struggling to have open communication with your partner about sex, couples and marriage counseling or sex therapy can help. Professional help may be warranted when the topic of sex affects the relationship dynamic or when discussing sex frequently escalates into an argument.

Online therapy options are especially beneficial for couples who want to feel more comfortable in their own environment. For couples that may live apart, an online therapist directory can allow them to find telehealth appointments that accommodate both schedules and living situations.

Signs that therapy could be useful for your relationship’s intimacy include:

• When the relationship is negatively impacted by sexual discussions
• An overall lack of intimacy
• A poor emotional and/or physical connection
• Struggles with communication
• Conflict around sex and intimacy
• Infidelity
• Lack of trust