Sapiosexual: Definition, Signs, & Effects on Relationships

What Does It Mean to Be Sapiosexual?

While the term sapiosexual is relatively new in the world of sexuality, it is frequently mentioned on social media and other online forums. For someone who is sapiosexual, a person’s intellect stimulates sexual arousal or attraction, and any gender or age can identify as sapiosexual. For instance, a person may be gay and sapiosexual, female and sapiosexual, or trans and sapiosexual. The term ‘sapiosexual’ is derived from the Latin words ‘sapien,’ meaning wise, and ‘sexualis,’ meaning sexual.

Sapiosexual Vs. Demisexual

Sapiosexuality and demisexuality are often confused, as those who identify as either do not place significant value on another person’s appearance–at least initially. However, there are some distinct differences between the two. Demisexuality describes people who only experience sexual attraction to another person after forming a significant emotional bond. Conversely, sapiosexuals can feel attraction to impressive intellect, even without first developing an emotional connection.

Sapiosexual Vs. Greysexual

When someone is greysexual, they may engage in sexual intimacy with a person, but they do not crave sex. Additionally, like demisexuals, greysexuals do not feel romantic attraction to partners until an emotional bond is formed. Greysexuals are different from sapiosexuals in the fact that they are not necessarily attracted to a person’s intelligence. Also, they do not experience sexual arousal in general.

Signs You May Be Sapiosexual

Although anyone can be sapiosexual, many people may not even be aware of this term. While there is no distinct way to know if you’re sapiosexual, there are some signs to be on the lookout for if you think you may be.

Signs that indicate you may be sapiosexual include:

• You find someone attractive after reading something they wrote.
• You get turned on by listening to TED talks.
• Debating deep thoughts with someone feels like foreplay.
• Someone’s point of view matters more to you than their appearance.
• You hate small talk.
• When you see your partner talking about something they are good at, you find yourself aroused.
• You enjoy teaching things to your partner.
• The “nerdy” characteristics in others have always been attractive to you.
• You get turned off by grammar mistakes.

How Sapiosexuality Affects Relationships

Being a sapiosexual or having a sapiosexual partner can affect your relationship in a number of ways. For example, engaging in deep conversations and other intellectually stimulating activities will most likely be your way of connecting with one another. While your relationship with a partner may look different from those of your loved ones or friends, it’s important that you remain true to yourself and your identity.

Sapiosexuality may impact romantic relationships in ways such as:

Bonding Through Intellectual Activities

If you have a partner who identifies as sapiosexual, they will likely prioritize mentally engaging activities in your relationship. While this may take the place of other forms of intimacy, it is important to remember that sharing in this way will reinforce your bond. If you are sapiosexual, be sure to explain this to your partner so they continue to feel validated and appreciated in your relationship.

Pressures to “Be Smarter”

If your partner knows that you are sapiosexual, they may feel pressure to exhibit behaviors that demonstrate an above-average intelligence to maintain your affection. Just as some couples seek to improve themselves physically for a partner, one may feel inclined to do so in terms of their intellect.

Different Turn-Ons

A person’s turn-ons will be unique to them, no matter what their sexuality may be. For those who are sapiosexual, these will focus less on the physical aspects of their partner and more so on their intelligence. For example, dirty talk and flirting might be replaced with stimulating conversation. While this may feel strange at first, it can be an important part of a relationship with a sapiosexual partner.

Relationships May Develop Slowly

Because it takes longer to assess a person’s intellectual capacity than their physical appearance, it can be normal for a relationship among sapiosexuals to progress slowly. Sapiosexuals usually develop attraction gradually as they learn more about their partner. Therefore, if you are seeing a sapiosexual, you shouldn’t be concerned if your relationship is developing at a slower pace than previous ones.

Others May Not Understand

Despite a general understanding that everyone is different in who and what they are attracted to, sapiosexuals still may face judgment about their sexuality. Friends and family who do not understand might ask questions that can be offensive, even if done so unintentionally. Additionally, sapiosexuals may be less likely to pay attention to or comment on their partner’s physical body. To some, especially those who are in a relationship with a sapiosexual for the first time, this could feel like rejection.

Controversy About Sapiosexuality

Intelligence–much like beauty–is subjective and depends greatly on the values in one’s culture. Because of this, there is some controversy about where sapiosexuality falls on the sexuality spectrum. Many believe it cannot be described or identified in the same way as other sexualities, as it more so resembles a type of attraction rather than a legitimate sexuality. Additionally, critics state that sapiosexuality can be considered as ableist or pretentious.

Where to Meet Sapiosexual People

Although the term sapiosexual is relatively new, the sexuality itself is not. However, because of its criticisms and its novelty, sapiosexuality has yet to be normalized in popular culture. This can make finding both understanding and affirming people challenging. Regardless, there are many locations where you can look for compatible partners who you can develop meaningful relationships with.

Common ways to meet other sapiosexual people include:

• Visiting a library: It’s no surprise that many sapiosexuals may enjoy hanging out among rows of books with ample quiet spaces for learning. Consider visiting your local library if you’re interested in meeting a sapiosexual.
• Using dating sites and apps: Many dating apps and websites are starting to include diverse sexualities on their platforms, allowing sapiosexuals to more easily find each other.
• Attending conventions: Attending activities or events that attract people with similar interests, such as comic cons or gaming conventions, may be a good way to start exploring your sapiosexuality.
• Attending lectures: If you sign up for a local lecture, it’s likely that the other attendees will share the same intellectual values as you do. Therefore, you may have some luck meeting other sapiosexuals in educational settings.
• Taking a class: Pursuing a traditionally intellectual or mentally stimulating skill, such as playing an instrument or learning a foreign language, may put you in close proximity to other sapiosexuals.

Tips For Dating a Sapiosexual

If you’re interested in dating a sapiosexual and understanding what they’re attracted to, it’s important to recognize their individual needs and preferences. Because physical appearance may not matter much to them, be sure to ask them what they look for in a partner and how you can be supportive of their sexuality.

Below are some tips for dating a sapiosexual:

• Express and take interest in their hobbies.
• Plan library or book club dates.
• Plan outings to discover new culture or ideas together.
• Ask them what their favorite book is and why.
• Talk to them about their profession.
• Learn a new skill together.
• Discuss your interests with them.

Final Thoughts

Whether you identify as sapiosexual or not, what’s important is that you embrace who you are and surround yourself with loved ones who affirm you and your relationship(s). If you are feeling confused about your identity or looking to find an LGBTQ+ therapist, consider using an online therapist directory to find a provider who can help you explore this important aspect of yourself.