Sibling Sexual Abuse: 8 Facts Parents Should Know

What Is Sibling Sexual Abuse?

Sibling sexual abuse is defined as sexual behavior between siblings that is not age-appropriate, not transitory, and not motivated by developmentally appropriate curiosity.¹ The abuse often involves the exploitation of a power dynamic and some degree of forced activity. The term ‘sibling’ can encompass a broad range of relationships, including biological siblings, step-siblings, half-siblings, adopted siblings, and foster siblings.

Establishing accurate numbers on occurrences of sibling sexual abuse has proven difficult due to its nature of being under-reported and under-studied. Much attention is paid to intrafamilial abuse concerning adults perpetrating on children, but the reality is that children are five times more likely to be sexually abused by their siblings than by their parents.²

Is Sexual Exploration Between Siblings Normal?

Sexual exploration between siblings is normal and often to be expected, as children become curious about their bodies and the similarities or differences they view in others. It is common for siblings to ‘play doctor’ or to engage in activities of ’show me yours, I’ll show you mine’ in an information-gathering process that aids in their developmental understanding of gender and body parts.

What Is Inappropriate Sexual Contact Between Siblings?

Although sexual exploration is normal, there is a line where sexual exploration shifts from normal behavior to abnormal, inappropriate behavior that requires intervention. It is important for parents to understand this line so that they can properly assess when abuse may be occurring.

Inappropriate sexual contact between siblings is characterized by:⁴

• It occurs at a frequency greater than would be developmentally expected.
• It interferes with the child’s development.
• It occurs with coercion, intimidation, or force.
• It is associated with emotional distress.
• It occurs between children of divergent ages or developmental abilities.
• It repeatedly recurs in secrecy after intervention by caregivers.

Signs of Sibling Sexual Abuse

It may be difficult to identify the resulting trauma symptoms in your abused child. Oftentimes, children have learned through the grooming process to repress emotions, or it’s possible that the behaviors you are seeing have been mislabeled. For example, children from trauma backgrounds are frequently misdiagnosed with ADHD or are categorized as defiant when they are actually trying to deal with trauma.

Potential indicators that a child may be experiencing sibling sexual abuse include:³

• Sudden changes in behavior, including changes in appetite or becoming clingy or withdrawn
• Mood changes such as sadness, anxiety, irritability, or anger outbursts
• Nightmares, sleep problems, or extreme fears without an obvious explanation
• Regressions in behavior, including bedwetting or thumb-sucking
• Avoiding and/or exhibiting fear toward their sibling or of particular places
• Play, writings, or drawings with sexual or frightening images
• Engages in sexual activities with toys, objects, or other children
• Refuses to talk about a secret they have with a sibling
• Discomfort with being touched and/or hugged
• Resistance to routine bathing, toileting, or having assistance with dressing and/or undressing
• Frequent stomach aches or illness with no identifiable reason
• Unexplained soreness, pain, or bruising and redness of the genitals or mouth

Potential indicators a child may be perpetrating sibling sexual abuse include:^3,4

• Minimizing, justifying, or denying the impact of inappropriate behaviors on others
• Making their sibling uncomfortable by consistently missing or ignoring social cues about personal or sexual boundaries
• Insisting on physical contact with a sibling even when they resist
• Being forceful, intimidating, or coercive to get what they want with sibling
• Responding sexually to typical gestures of friendliness or affection
• Inability to control sexual behaviors after being told to stop
• Keeping inappropriate secrets with siblings, taking them to ‘secret’ places, or playing ‘special’ games

Facts Parents Should Know About Sibling Sexual Abuse

There are dozens of misconceptions in our society about sexual abuse in general. When you then factor in the sensitive nature of children and intrafamilial perpetration, the public tends to misunderstand the nuances of this silent epidemic.

Here are eight facts about sibling sexual abuse all parents should know:

1. Sibling Sexual Abuse Is Often Hidden

Sibling sexual abuse is less likely to be disclosed than other forms of abuse. Victims of sibling sexual abuse often feel trapped by the abuser, who has likely manipulated their trusting bond and sworn them to secrecy. One study of adult survivors revealed that only 12% had ever told someone about the abuse.⁵ Victims report fear of being believed, fear of upsetting their parents, fear of retaliation, or confusion and shame over their role in the abuse.⁶

2. The Behaviors are Not “Harmless Play”

Historically, sexual contact between siblings has been seen by some as an innocent, experimental play that is a normal part of childhood sexual development. However, research has repeatedly shown that this type of behavior is far from harmless and, in fact, they leave detrimental short and long-term impacts on the victim, the offender, and the family unit.

3. The Types of Behaviors May Surprise You

Research findings have exposed that forcible fondling is the most common reported sexual violence between siblings, followed next by forcible rape, forcible sodomy, and lastly, sexual assault with an object.² Child offenders may also utilize non-contact abusive behaviors such as forcing a sibling to watch pornography, voyeuristic activities toward siblings, or encouraging their sibling to behave in sexual ways.

4. The Use of Coercion & Violence Is Common

Sibling sexual abuse tends to include a greater number of sexual acts over a longer period of time and uses more force than any other form of child sexual abuse.¹ Sibling offender use of exploitation is common in sexually abusive situations, with force and coercion being reported in 25% of experiences.⁵ The most common forms of coercion are found to be verbal coercion, threats, bribery, and trickery.⁶

A study regarding the characteristics of sibling sexual abuse incidents found that weapons were utilized in an alarming 68% of cases. However, 94% of those were classified as personal weapons, meaning the abuser used their hands and feet.² Nevertheless, research shows the overwhelming majority of cases, 89%, reveal no injuries adding to the quandary for parents in spotting the signs.²

5. It Is Confusing for the Victim

The close nature of sibling relationships creates a highly confusing predicament for the victim. The victim will often feel torn between the love and allegiance they hold for their sibling while simultaneously feeling betrayed and harmed by them. Victims cannot understand the abusive nature of the relationship if there is a nurturing element that makes them feel special and worthy of attention. Additionally, abused siblings may be tricked into believing the victim-offender roles are blurred and develop feelings of guilt or view themselves as deviants for taking part in socially taboo behavior.

6. You May Not Respond Appropriately

Parents may underreact to disclosures of sibling sexual abuse by minimizing or denying the abuse. Some parents will struggle to believe that what they are being told could have happened and will dismiss their child’s disclosure altogether. Adult survivors of sibling sexual abuse report that their disclosures of non-physical sibling sexual abuse were dismissed or minimized, which intensified their feelings of shame, guilt, and hopelessness related to the abuse.¹

Conversely, parents may overreact to disclosures, creating an emotionally charged environment where the victim is destructively placed at the center of attention, and the offending child is ejected from the family. The parents may focus all their efforts on compensating for their responsibility for what happened, which can place an unfair burden on the victim to carry the family toward healing.

7. Male Juveniles are Frequent Sexual Offenders

In a Justice Department-sponsored analysis of crime data, juveniles account for 36% of the persons identified by police as having committed sex offenses against minors, with 93% of these young offenders being male. This analysis also found that the peak ages for offending were 12-14.⁷ Females are more frequent victims of sibling sexual abuse, yet when they offend, they more often victimize younger males.²

8. Sibling Sexual Offenders are Not Destined to Become Adult Predators

There may be a fear for some that children who commit sex offenses are bound to carry this pattern of delinquent behavior into adulthood and, therefore, forever pose a danger to society. Follow-up studies of juvenile sex offenders have shown that a large majority, 85-95%, do not have future arrests for sex crimes.

Sibling Sexual Abuse Risk Factors

There is no one cause for sibling sexual abuse, but rather, a combination of individual, familial, behavioral, and environmental factors can increase the risk for abusive sibling interactions.

Potential factors that may increase the risk of sibling sexual abuse include:

Gender, Age, or Power Dynamics

Families holding cultural or religious perspectives of gender may view women and girls as having lesser status, creating an environment ripe for sibling sexual abuse. 63% of victims are girls who have been molested by an older brother.⁹ Additionally, stronger or favored siblings may use their position in the family to take advantage of siblings. Special consideration should be paid to children in the home with disabilities who are also at heightened vulnerability for abuse.⁴

The difference in age also plays an important role. The average age difference found between victim and offender is 5.5 years, with the majority of victims being girls under the age of 13 and biologically related to the offending sibling. The most common dyad is an older brother and younger sister.¹⁰

Unclear Boundaries Within the Home

Children need to be taught early and often both about their personal boundaries and the personal boundaries of others. If boundaries have not been established or there is confusion due to possible modeling of inappropriate or abusive boundary crossing within the home environment, children may be at risk of violating their sibling’s sexual boundaries.

Family Dysfunction

While sibling sexual abuse can happen in any family, the research has demonstrated that families with disrupted living situations, poor relationships, and unstable parental backgrounds are more prone to sibling sexual abuse incidents.⁴ In addition, authoritarian parenting styles characterized by high levels of physical punishment have been linked to higher rates of sibling sexual offending.¹

Neglect by Caregivers

Parents who are physically and/or emotionally inaccessible and distant create an unfulfilled attachment need within children, who may subsequently seek out connection with siblings. If children have not been guided on appropriate sexual boundaries, the risk for abusive interactions prevails as one or both seek comfort in another.

Previous Victim of Child Abuse

Whether a child has experienced a single abusive event or has suffered chronic abuse, their victimhood creates a vulnerability to becoming either a victim again or acting out and becoming an offender themselves. Abuse (physical and sexual), witnessing domestic violence, and neglect are some of the primary predictors of juvenile sexual offending.¹⁰

A child who has been a victim of sexual abuse may find themselves with new and confusing bodily urges that they had not previously been aware of. The child may feel shame and embarrassment for these urges, yet not know how to manage the sensations they are experiencing and, consequently, act out their trauma on a sibling.

Witness to Violence

If a child is desensitized to violence, views it as a way of getting what they want, or has built up aggression from an inability to defend themselves from it, they may turn to sexually abusing their sibling as a way to gain power and control.

Normalized Generational Sexual Abuse

If a child has grown up in a family environment that normalizes sexual abuse and/or normalizes inappropriate sexual behavior such as dirty jokes, unconsented touching, and exposure to graphic images, there is likely to be a precedent set for both offender and victim surrounding the conduct the former can get away with and the lack of response or support the latter would receive if they disclosed.

Exposure to Porn

Children may access adult content online either deliberately or accidentally, and their perspectives of healthy sexual behavior are subject to what they have viewed. A team of researchers who studied this phenomenon stated that “a clash between the media’s depiction of sexual relationships and the real-life experiences of youth contributes to their difficulty in making healthy sexual decisions.”⁹ Due to close proximity and a consistent relationship, child offenders may choose to copy what they have viewed in pornography on a sibling.

Mental Health Disorders

Adolescents who have been charged with sex offenses are five times more likely to have been sexually abused themselves than adolescents who have committed a non-sexual offense.⁴ In one study of adolescent sex offenders, 74% had one or more psychiatric diagnoses and higher rates of neurological impairment.⁹

How to Prevent Sibling Sexual Abuse

As there is not a single cause for sibling sexual abuse, there is also not one catch-all way to prevent it from happening. Parents absorb the main responsibility for keeping their children safe, which can make them feel that they must be in all places at all times. Remember that you cannot prevent all harm that may occur to your child, but being educated can greatly reduce the risks of sexual abuse occurring in your home.

Here are some steps that you can take as a parent to help reduce the risks:

• Educate yourself on child sexual development: If you haven’t done so already, one of your greatest tools will be to familiarize yourself with normal vs. abnormal child sexual behaviors so you can recognize and address those that raise red flags.
• Supervise your children: Older siblings frequently babysitting younger siblings along with unstructured and unsupervised time between siblings has been shown to contribute to sibling sexual abuse with an opportunity and authority to offend.¹⁰ One study found that 94% of sibling sexual abuse incidents occur in the residence, suggesting that children find ample opportunities away from adults to commit sexual abuse within their home.²
• Open-door policy: Consider adopting a rule in the house around keeping doors open while children are playing or if they share a bedroom. Alternatively, have conversations on privacy regarding places in the home where the door should be shut, such as bathrooms or rooms where the child is dressing.
• Talk with your children daily: Being actively involved with your children not only helps parents look out for the warning signs listed above but also provides opportunities for them to share things with you, whether they realize it or not. Children tend to drop hints about things they want to talk about and may let on that they saw or heard something inappropriate or that a sibling has done something to make them uncomfortable. Parents can then take steps to intervene before behaviors can escalate further.
• Educate children about sexuality: Start early by having age-appropriate conversations with children about human sexuality and body parts. Be sure to use their proper anatomical names so children can identify if/when they have been harmed in a particular area. Encourage them to always tell you if they experience something that makes them feel bad or uncomfortable, no matter who it’s from, and to never keep secrets that make them feel in similar ways.
• Model and promote healthy boundary setting surrounding bodily autonomy: Discuss body safety and consent with your children in regard to both their bodies and respecting other people’s bodies. Guide your children in understanding and communicating what kinds of touch are okay and not okay. Never insist or pressure your child to engage in unwanted touch (for example, hugging a grandparent, bathing with a sibling, sitting on Santa’s lap, etc.), as this reinforces an inability to set boundaries.
• Believe and support your children: Listen and remain calm if your child tells you they are uncomfortable with something. Investigate the source of their discomfort to determine ways you can empower and protect them from future distress. Validate their feelings, let them know they are not at fault, thank them for sharing with you, and affirm that you are going to help.
• Be aware of what your children are doing online: Unfortunately, children are being exposed to sexually explicit material with higher frequency and at younger ages. Juvenile sex offenders report exposure to pornography as early as age seven.⁹ Monitor how much time your child spends on the internet and perform regular check-ins on their devices.
• Encourage healthy peer relationships: Research into adolescent sex offenders showed that 64% were ‘undersocialized,’ meaning they had few friends and poor social skills and peer relationships, including isolation.⁹ This may explain why offenders turn to a sibling to fulfill unmet social-emotional needs.

Impact of Sibling Sexual Abuse

If the sibling relationship becomes sexually abusive, children must shift the energy that would normally be used for developmental tasks to instead be used for survival. This creates disruptions in peer relationships, a distorted sense of self, and premature sexualization.¹ Additionally, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can persist into adulthood, including depression, suicidal thoughts, dissociation, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts.⁴

Victims may find themselves at risk for re-victimization in future interpersonal relationships or an inability to form healthy relationships. They will likely struggle to trust others and to accurately assess threats leading to engagement in risk-taking behaviors throughout life, such as unprotected sex, self-medication with alcohol and drugs, and confusion about sexuality ranging from extreme frigidity to extreme promiscuity due to feelings of hyper-eroticism.^1,4

Implications for the Perpetrator

The justice system aims to keep the perpetrating child within the juvenile justice system, providing opportunities for rehabilitation rather than punishment for offenses. Nonetheless, the perpetrating child may still be stigmatized and labeled as a sex offender despite them likely being a victim of sexual abuse themselves and in need of therapeutic interventions.

Depending on whether or not the offending child receives treatment, they could be removed from the home for a period of time for the safety of the abused child. Though it is often necessary to ensure the victim is protected from imminent abuse, this can create a further rupture in the family dynamic and lead to anger and resentment by the perpetrating child.⁴

Implications for the Family Unit

Family relationships are difficult to maintain after sibling sexual abuse. When sibling sexual abuse is realized, parents and children alike struggle with embarrassment, shame, denial, and shock. Family members may feel a sense of duty or concern for the reputation and social standing of the family and be reluctant to report “one of their own” to authorities. Parents may fear the attention brought by law enforcement or social service agencies and how it may impact their ability to parent their non-offending children. Uninvolved siblings get caught in the middle and ultimately suffer the consequences of sudden systems involvement in their lives.

What Parents Should Do About Sibling Sexual Abuse

Finding out that your child has been abusing your other child is undoubtedly a devastating blow. It is normal to be scared, confused, or angry as you contend with the decision of what to do next. Know that both the offending child and the abused child will need support on the road ahead, so responses to sibling sexual abuse must be met proportionately.

Here are some important steps parents should take if sibling sexual abuse occurs in their home:

• Report the abuse: One of the most difficult things a parent must do is pick up the phone and report their own child for abusive behaviors. However, this must be the first step for the sake of all involved. Parents may choose to take the route of calling Child Protective Services or their local police department, but both agencies are typically notified concerning family crime matters, and each of their involvement allows the family to receive comprehensive supportive services for both victim and offender.
• Remain calm: As difficult as it may be, parents will do their best to remain as calm as possible in the aftermath of disclosure. Children will read and mirror your emotional state, so maintaining composure can assist them in moving through the process with less panic and fear.
• Discuss the issue with each child: It is necessary to speak with each child separately to evaluate their perspectives on what occurred so you can take the next steps for safety planning. Be careful not to ask leading questions and rather say things like “Can you tell me more?” or “What did you think about that?” Children will likely be interviewed by a forensic specialist at a later time who is trained in discerning the actual facts of the abuse, and they will be able to speak with the children further regarding specifics.
• Maintain support for both children: Each child will need their parents’ support throughout the healing process. The victim will need to know that they did the right thing in disclosing the abuse, and the offender will need to know that you believe they have the ability to overcome this obstacle.
• Prevent the perpetrator from having access to their sibling: As you await instructions from professionals on how to proceed, it is important to keep the children apart or ensure they are never left alone. After a disclosure, tensions are likely to be high in the home, and additional offending could occur without proper supervision and careful attention.
• If applicable, be on the same page as your partner: Keep communication open with your partner to nurture your bond during this trying process, as well as ensure you both are in agreement with steps being taken toward family healing. You will want to stay united in your support for both children and avoid taking sides or favoring one over the other.
• Seek treatment for all parties: All individuals within the family unit benefit from therapy. Parents and other involved family members will need to procure their own individual counseling to work through the unique impacts of their position.

Treatment for Sibling Sexual Abuse

When sibling sexual abuse is reported, the entire family will complete a sibling abuse interview (SAI). This family-based risk assessment tool is used to gather information, including offender motivation, family response to disclosure, sources of support, and potential divided loyalties. This tool serves as a guide for determining the most appropriate treatment for the victim, the offender, and the family unit.⁹

Treatment for Victims of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Survivors need guidance and support in healing from childhood trauma to resolve the profoundly personal wound of being abused by their sibling. Adult survivors who do not receive proper treatment report an over-dependence on maladaptive coping strategies and are unfamiliar with healthy coping mechanisms.¹

Treatment options shown to be most successful for sibling sexual abuse victims include:

• Trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy (TF-CBT): The leading treatment for survivors remains to be trauma-focused CBT. This approach features education about trauma, strategies to promote positive coping skills, techniques to address inaccurate or unhelpful thoughts related to abuse, gradual exposure to enable children to share details of their experience and process their trauma-related thoughts and feelings, joint parent-child sessions to increase open communication about the abuse and its impact, and parenting skills to manage problematic child behaviors that may predate or be exacerbated by the childhood sexual abuse.¹¹
• Cognitive processing therapy (CPT): CPT is another therapeutic approach available for sibling sexual abuse survivors that aims to address the inaccurate or unhelpful cognitions about the trauma, such as guilt or self-blame. The child will have opportunities to reduce trauma-related emotional and behavioral responses as they safely process their memories and then challenge and change the distorted beliefs surrounding them.¹¹
• Art or play therapy: It is not always natural for children to express themselves with words because their vocabulary, emotional intelligence, maturity, or even their comfort in feelings conversations have not yet reached an appropriate place for talk therapy methods. Therefore, children do best when they can speak a language that is easily known and accessible. Many therapists utilize art therapy and play therapy as these are both mediums in which children can readily take part.
• Involvement with family therapy: Experts agree that when the timing is appropriate, family therapy can greatly assist with victim healing and family reunification.⁴ However, in consideration first of the victim’s physical and emotional safety, if they wish to participate in family sessions.
• Medication: While typically a last line of defense against symptoms, some parents may consider adding medication to supplement their child’s treatment with psychotherapy. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) has set parameters on best practice protocols for children suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and suggests certain medications to be best for ameliorating symptoms.¹¹ 

Treatment for Perpetrators of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Sibling sexual abuse offenders are usually the product of a complex history of risk factors, suggesting that unresolved trauma accounts for a large portion of offender motivation. With proper intervention and consistent support and guidance, the risk of an individual becoming an adult predator is significantly lowered.⁸

Treatment for juvenile sibling sexual abuse perpetrators usually follows this process:

• Adjudication through juvenile justice: The child will likely receive a rehabilitative treatment plan to be completed as part of their sentencing. The child will have a probation officer checking in with them, and typically, once the program has been completed, their case will be suspended.⁸
• Residential treatment: If the child is deemed to be more “high risk,” they will be placed in a residential facility where they’ll participate in individual, group, and family sessions multiple times a week to assist in their healing process.
• Outpatient treatment: If the child is deemed to be at a “low risk,” they can be placed into an outpatient program while continuing to either live at home with a safety plan in place to prevent additional acting out or in another suitable home setting for the duration of treatment. Similar to residential care, they will also receive individual, group, and family counseling services.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): With individual work, practitioners most commonly utilize CBT to help offenders identify the core beliefs that lead to their automatic thoughts, which then influence their emotional, physiological, and behavioral responses.⁹ They can work to address these distorted beliefs to then make behavior changes.
• Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy is another therapeutic approach that may be used with juvenile offenders that aims to uncover the unconscious motivations and past experiences that shape and drive emotion, cognition, relationships, and behaviors.⁹
• Social skills training and relapse prevention strategies: Social skills training and relapse prevention strategies are taught throughout treatment to assist offenders with coping strategies to reduce the risk of relapse.

Treatment for Family Units of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Regardless of which type of treatment setting the offender is placed in, researchers agree that family therapy is imperative to the successful healing of the victim, as well as the reform of juvenile sex offenders. Family therapy can help all individuals process the shame, trauma, and grief associated with having an abusive and abused child and can prevent sibling sexual abuse from disrupting the family’s ability to collectively go on.

If the offending child is to eventually be reunited with the family, or if the child will continue to stay in the home during treatment, extensive safety planning must be considered. Parents will need to keep constant supervision of children, whether that be during planned visitations or in the home. Even after reunification, the offending child will continue to need support and supervision to ensure they can safely be left with their sibling.

If the family focuses healing attention only on the victim and does not recognize the dysfunctional family environment that fostered the abusive behavior, the family dynamic suffers from fractured loyalties and avoidance of addressing deeper underlying issues among family members, particularly that of the abuser and abused.⁹

Where to Find Professional Help for Sibling Sexual Abuse

There is a range of different helping professionals available offering varied types of psychotherapy that can offer guidance, education, resources, and support as you consider the best approach for your children and your family as a whole. An online therapist directory is a great tool to search for providers in your area or see if an online therapy platform might be a more suitable option.

In My Experience

Children will spend the majority of their free time alone with their siblings, making sibling sexual abuse a crime typically rooted in accessibility and opportunity. It can often be overlooked or ignored if parents are not educated on developmentally appropriate sexual behaviors for children. It is imperative to keep a close eye on your children and know how to recognize any signs of abuse. Understand that children do not lie about sexual abuse, and your response has a tremendous impact on their healing trajectory.

In the decade I have spent working with survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I have met with dozens of clients who have experienced the devastating impacts of sibling sexual abuse. Many of these clients come with struggles in making sense of this deeply betraying crime and grapple with the enduring effects listed in this article. To move forward from this unique form of sexual trauma, a survivor must first face their distorted beliefs of the trauma and then repair the trust wound. Yet, with support and guidance, healing is possible, and help is available.