How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex: An Age-by-Age Guide

When to Talk to Kids About Sex

There is no “right” age to talk to your children about sex, but the conversation can start as early as toddlerhood and should remain ongoing. How you approach “the talk” will depend on age, maturity level, and interest. You may think that talking about sex means only discussing the physical aspects of sex. However, sex education includes anatomy, sexual activity, intimacy, contraception, and more.¹ Parents should also provide children with information about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), the risks of pregnancy, consent, guidance on pornography, and sexual orientation.

Talking about sex with your children can bring up a lot of emotions, such as fear, anxiety, and dread. It is normal for parents and children to react in these ways, but emotions should not interfere with a positive conversation. Teens who receive healthy and age-appropriate sex education from parents are more likely to delay having sex or use protection when they do.^{1, 2}

Tips for How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

There’s no one right way to approach “the talk” about sex with your child. Start simple, and as your child matures, feel free to offer more details. If you can keep your tone relaxed and have frequent, brief conversations, your child will be more likely to be comfortable coming to you when they have questions.

Here are a few tips for talking to your kids about sex:

• Prepare yourself beforehand: Think through what you might want to share with your child about sex, and find any resources that might be helpful in relaying the information in a developmentally appropriate manner.
• Don’t laugh or giggle: There’s no doubt that talking to your kids about sex can be awkward, but laughing or giggling might make things even more uncomfortable for your child, and unconsciously communicate that sex is shameful or embarrassing. Being friendly but matter-of-fact can let your child know that sex is normal, and that you’re not embarrassed to talk to them about it should they want to bring it up again in the future.
• Stay at your child’s level: Make sure what you communicate is developmentally appropriate for your child’s age and maturity level. You know your child best, so tailor the message for them.
• Don’t make assumptions about what they already know: Parents are often surprised at how much, or little, their child actually knows about sex from other sources. Ask questions and don’t assume.
• Use the correct terminology for body parts: Use the anatomically correct names for body parts to empower and educate your child in body safety.
• Get both parents involved: Both parents can add value to the conversation and further normalize sex, as well as open the door for the child to return to either parent with questions in the future.
• Remind them of the importance of consent: From a very young age children can be taught the importance of consent and body safety, laying the groundwork for healthy sexual relationships much later on.
• Point out moments of consent & sexuality in TV and movies: A good way to get in several quick, casual sex chats is by pointing out moments of consent and sexuality in TV and movies. Talking about the characters in the show can make the conversation feel lighter and less threatening to your kid.
• Listen honestly to their reactions and check if they want to know more: Listen closely to your child’s reactions and respect their questions, discomfort, or disinterest. Don’t be afraid to ask if they’d like to know more, or if they have any other questions.
• Say “I don’t know” if that’s the truth: If you don’t know the answer to your child’s question, that’s okay. Be honest and say, “I don’t know.” You don’t have to be an expert! Offering to research the answer together is a great way to continue the conversation.

An Age-By-Age Guide to Talking to Kids About Sex

How you talk to your children about sex should evolve as they age. Young children can benefit from learning the words for their body parts, while teens require more in-depth information and an opportunity to share their experiences.

Here are ways to approach talking about sex with your children at each age:

Young Children (Under 5)

Toddlers may seem too young to receive education about sex and sexuality. However, children this age should be taught the correct words for their reproductive organs, just like other body parts. Avoid using slang like “down there” or “pee-pee.” Instead, teach the correct terminology, like “penis” and “vagina.”

Direct communication with young children about their bodies is necessary for several reasons.³ For example, they will know how to explain any pain they feel using appropriate vocabulary. Additionally, if children experience any sexually inappropriate act, they will have the language to describe what happened to them. Using clear language also supports a positive body image and decreases shame.

5-8 Years Old

When children pass toddlerhood, you can start thinking about when to talk to them about puberty. Depending on their physical development, you may need to have this conversation as early as seven or eight years old. You can hold off until they are nine or ten if your child does not show signs of puberty yet.

At this age, talking to your children about what is and is not appropriate is essential. Explain to them that no one should be touching their bodies. Encourage your child to speak up if they are uncomfortable in a situation, and avoid shaming them if they are engaging in masturbation. Simply explain that this behavior is normal but should be done in private.

9-12 Years Old

Parents should talk to their children about puberty by this age. Explaining what changes children can expect and why, sharing personal experiences, and inviting them to ask questions is helpful. Your children may react with fear or anxiety to this conversation. However, you can try quelling their anxiety by explaining that while these changes can be difficult, everyone goes through them. You can read a book together on puberty for further information.

During this time, you should also educate your child about sex, including what it is, how it is done, and how it can lead to pregnancy. At the same time, it is important to provide information about safe sex practices. Some parents fear being open about safe sex will encourage their children to have sex earlier, but research suggests otherwise.³ If you’re struggling with how to talk to your tween about sex and puberty, speak with your child’s pediatrician or consider reading up on the topic.

Talking to Your Teen About Sex

By this point, you should have had conversations with your teen about their body parts, puberty, and sex. Now is the time to go more in-depth and have open conversations about their feelings about their bodies, sexuality, and masturbation. Around 15% of teens are sexually active by age fifteen.⁴ Even if your child isn’t sexually active, they likely have friends who are, have thought about it, or maybe in a relationship where it’s being discussed.

Ask your teen questions and remind them that you are here to talk. If they are uncomfortable, don’t push too hard. Simply remind them that they can come to you if they need advice or support.

How to Start the Sex Talk With Your Kids

If you feel nervous starting a conversation about sex with your kids, seek advice or support from other parents, your child’s pediatrician, teachers, or a therapist. Remember, your child will likely also feel nervous, so approach them in a comfortable and safe environment. Set aside time to talk with them when you can both be alone (no younger siblings present).

As discussed, talking about sexuality should be an ongoing conversation. Take advantage of “teachable moments” to continue the conversation when an issue is presented.^3,4 For example, if you are watching a television show with sexual content, you can offer your child a chance to ask questions. This allows teens to reflect on applying these questions to their own lives.

Plan to Have Lots of Small, Casual Conversations About Sex

Research shows that having regular conversations with kids about sex can ultimately protect them from taking risks with their sexual health. Every parent wants their child to be safe and healthy, so starting the conversation about sex early in life, and continuing to revisit the conversation as your child grows, is your best protection against risky sexual behavior in adolescence and beyond.⁵

Young children can start by learning the anatomically correct names for body parts, and about consent and body safety. Use natural learning opportunities like a friend’s pregnancy, sexual content in media, and tampon commercials to spur dialogue. As your child gets older, ask sincere questions about their friendships and crushes, and explore their plan for taking responsibility for their sexual health as they become sexually active, particularly in terms of preventing pregnancy and STDs.

How to Respond to Your Child’s Questions About Sex

Give your child the opportunity to ask questions about sex. They will likely have questions at different points, especially as they become exposed to new information and experiences. Thinking about what questions your child might ask in advance can help prepare you.

Questions your child may ask include:

• “Is Sex Bad?” Depending on children’s knowledge and exposure to sex, they may wonder if sex is bad. Explain to your children that sex is not bad, but can have consequences. You don’t want them to have a negative association with sex, but you do want them to make informed decisions.
• “What if someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do?” Encouraging children’s ability to define and assert their own limits and boundaries is an important part of talking to them about sex. Talk to them about the importance of consent and brainstorm ways that they can communicate their limits.
• “Am I ready to have sex?” Be prepared for your child to ask you directly about having sex. If this question comes up, it is most helpful to help your child think about whether they are ready for the changes that having sex can bring to their lives.
• “When did you first have sex?” This question can be particularly challenging for parents to answer. Prepare yourself by recognizing how much you are comfortable sharing with your children. You can use your answer as a teachable moment by explaining what you may have done differently. Consider talking about the pros and cons of your choices.

Do’s & Don’ts Of Talking to Your Kids About Sex

During these conversations with your children, there are certain things that you should and should not do; however, there is always an opportunity to correct mistakes by acknowledging them and giving the correct information.

When talking with your child about sex, do the following:

• Use direct and clear communication, even if it feels uncomfortable
• Tailor your conversation based on your child’s age and maturity level
• Explain sexual abuse and encourage them to talk to you about anything that makes them uncomfortable
• Share your own experiences with going through puberty
• Talk about safe sex practices
• Offer resources to your child on puberty and sex, such as books, websites, and pamphlets
• Encourage them to ask you questions and process their reactions to this information

What to Avoid When Talking to Your Child About Sex

When having a conversation about sex with your child, don’t:

• Use slang terms for reproductive body parts
• Shame children for masturbating or being curious about their bodies
• Discourage children from asking questions
• Make up answers. If you are unsure about a child’s question, you could look up the answer together or let them know you don’t know and you’ll follow up with them when you have an answer
• Be afraid to seek out information or guidance from a healthcare provider, educator, or other reliable sources

Remember: Talking About Sex Isn’t Going to Make Your Children Sexually Active

Children of parents who talk about sex are more likely to put off having intercourse and use protection when they do have sex.³ Studies of adolescents found that having outlets to talk to about sexuality was associated with a lower likelihood of engaging in sexual activity and a higher likelihood of delaying intercourse.^6,7

The way you present sex education is important. Some parents take an abstinence-only approach. While it is OK to encourage your children to abstain until they are ready, focusing only on abstinence and not other topics, like the importance of using protection, is not necessarily positive. Teens given abstinence-only education are not more likely to abstain from intercourse than other teens.⁴