How to Talk to Your Teenager About Masturbation

Why Is Talking to Your Teen About Masturbation Important?

Discussing masturbation with your teen is an important part of having open conversations about sex and their developing sexual identity. Unlike conversations about relationships with others, this focuses on helping them understand and develop a healthy relationship with their own body. Puberty is a time of significant physical and emotional changes, and teens may feel guilt or shame about their body or natural urges. Talking openly about masturbation helps normalize these experiences, reducing feelings of embarrassment or self-judgment.²

Talking about masturbation with your teenager is important because:

• It encourages body awareness and bodily autonomy
• It allows them the freedom to explore pleasure
• It shows them that you’re willing to be vulnerable in difficult conversations
• It models how to approach adult topics with curiosity and non-judgment

Which Parent Should Lead the Conversation?

Because of the delicate nature of talking about masturbation, whichever parent with whom the child may be closer or to whom the child discloses sensitive information is likely the parent who should take the lead. It’s important to acknowledge that the teen should talk with whichever parent they wish to at any time, but that out of respect for their privacy, the masturbation chat is one that the family decided to keep smaller rather than larger.

How to Have the Masturbation Talk With Your Teen

Start the conversation by acknowledging that this might feel awkward for both of you, but as a parent, your goal is to support their healthy development—physically, emotionally, relationally, and sexually. Let them know that this is a natural and important topic, and you’re here to help them navigate it.

Here are eleven tips for talking to your teenager about masturbation:

1. Focus on Good Enough, Not Perfect

“Let your teen know you’re not an expert on this topic, and it’s okay for the conversation to feel a little awkward. What matters is that you’re meeting them where they are and doing your best to have an honest and supportive discussion.

2. Keep It Congratulatory

Puberty can be an uncomfortable time, but exploring what brings them joy and pleasure is a positive step in understanding themselves. Let them know you’re proud of their curiosity about their body and their journey toward self-awareness.

3. Use Appropriate & Relevant Self-Disclosure

It’s okay to share your own experiences—like if your parents never talked to you about sex or if you felt shame around sexuality growing up. This kind of honesty can help your teen understand that you’re trying to approach this topic in a healthier, more open way than you might have experienced.

4. Start the Conversation Earlier, Rather Than Later

Starting conversations about masturbation and changing bodies before puberty can help normalize these topics and build trust between you and your child. When kids feel safe discussing sensitive subjects early on, they’re more likely to approach you with questions or concerns as they grow.³

For example, in the Netherlands, conversations about sex begin long before it’s a relevant consideration for children. From a young age, kids are taught about boundaries, agency, and relationships, making later discussions about sexual behaviors, consent, and masturbation feel natural and non-threatening.⁴

5. Stay Curious

Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead of assuming your teen is masturbating, ask open-ended questions about what they’ve seen, heard, or learned about it. This approach encourages them to share their thoughts and helps you tailor the conversation to their knowledge and needs.

6. Emphasize Normalcy

You cannot overstate how masturbation is a part of healthy sexual development in humans. Reassure them that they are normal, not deviant, and that they are doing nothing wrong by exploring what makes them feel good, and that there are many health benefits to masturbation.

7. Teach Healthy Boundaries

Talking to your teen about masturbation is a great opportunity to discuss broader boundaries and expectations around privacy and relationships. Help them understand that while self-exploration is normal and healthy, it’s important to respect limits and consider the feelings of others. Use this conversation to talk about topics like sexting or setting boundaries in social situations, encouraging them to think about what they’re comfortable with and what they’re not. Remind them that it’s always okay to say no.

8. Address Common Myths or Misconceptions

Children may hear inaccurate or stigmatizing information about masturbation from peers or media. Early conversations provide a chance to debunk myths and present factual, reassuring information.

9. Keep It Humorous

Humor can be your best ally when talking to your teen about masturbation. This is already an awkward topic, so a little levity can go a long way in breaking the tension and making the conversation more comfortable for both of you. Use language they’re familiar with, don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself when you stumble over words (because you probably will), and let yourself be a little comedically vulnerable.

10. Stay the Course

Your teen will likely deflect talking about masturbation with you. That’s completely to be expected, but do not be daunted! It is their job to want to talk to peers about masturbating, not parents, but stay the course and see this conversation through. Someday they might even thank you for it!

11. Let Them Know That This Is Part of an Ongoing Conversation

This isn’t a one-and-done talk. Frame it as part of a broader, ongoing dialogue about healthy boundaries, relationships, and sexuality. Let your teen know you’re always available to answer questions or discuss concerns, reinforcing that this is just one piece of a larger, supportive conversation.

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What NOT to Say During the Masturbation Chat

Anything that could evoke in your child a feeling of shame or suggest your disgust in them could not only shut down your teen from talking with you about sensitive topics in the future, but it could also shift their beliefs that sex is a dirty, shameful, or disgusting thing.

When talking about masturbation with your teen, avoid the following:⁵

• Shaming or judging language that could make them feel that they’re doing something morally wrong, dirty, or crude by exploring their bodies.
• Making fun of them or too quickly making light of something about which they may feel embarrassment or confusion. No one, especially a teenager, wants to be on the receiving end of a graphic joke about masturbation.
• Shutting down the conversation because YOU become uncomfortable or hear things that you weren’t prepared to hear. If you find yourself rushing to get out of the conversation, that’s a sign that you might need to work on your own attitudes toward sex.

When Should I Talk to My Child About Masturbation?

Talking to your child about masturbation should ideally occur before you suspect your child is going through puberty, but the onset of puberty is an appropriate time to broach the subject of how the feelings and sensations within their bodies may change alongside the physical changes that are happening.

In a study of adolescent sexual health, researchers found that normal ages for starting masturbating are:⁶

• By age 13, around 53% of males have started masturbating
• By age 13, around 25% of females have started masturbating

It is important to note that masturbation, because of the negative connotations associated with it, is often underreported, inhibiting accurate data. Additionally, very little research exists for gender non-conforming teens to date.

What to Do If You Catch Them “In the Act”

If that dreaded incident happens, and you catch your child “in the act” of masturbating, don’t be alarmed. Your reactions to your teen’s masturbation can leave lasting impressions on how a teen experiences their own body’s reactions to sexual arousal, so do both you and your child a favor and take a deep breath to pause before reacting.

If you catch your teen masturbating, do the following:

• Apologize for any violation of their privacy, assuming you walked into their room without knocking. Own that you made a mistake by not respecting this spatial boundary.
• Take your own space and time to reflect on any reaction that you’re having to your child’s behavior and what these reactions tell you about your attitudes toward sex and masturbation. If you are feeling shame or disgust, these are reactions that warrant your own “work.”
• Let them know that you would like to talk with them about what happened at a time of their choosing, but kindly and firmly convey that this is not an optional conversation.
• To give you both a point of reference for the conversation, share some readings or websites with normalizing material about masturbation for them to review, such as those offered in the “additional resources” section of this article

Other Sex & Sexuality Topics To Discuss With Your Teen

Talking with your teen about masturbation is just one part of a much larger conversation about sex, relationships, and intimacy. Starting with this topic can make later discussions—like consent, sexting, and sexual identity—feel more natural because you’ve already opened the door to these important conversations.

Other topics worth bringing up include:

• Pornography: Access to pornography has never been easier for teens, whether it’s images, videos, or drawings. Let your teen know that it’s normal to be curious about pornography, but this is also a great opportunity to discuss both the benefits and drawbacks of consuming pornographic content. Teaching them how to think critically about what they view can help them develop a healthier perspective.
• Sexting: With children receiving phones at younger ages, sexting is an essential topic to address, ideally before they’re given their first device. Discuss the risks and responsibilities of sharing explicit images or messages, including the importance of consent, privacy, and the potential legal and emotional consequences.
• Sex: The definition of sex—and who it’s for, when it’s appropriate, and under what circumstances—is an evolving cultural conversation. Provide a safe space for your teen to ask questions and think critically about what sex means to them and how it fits into healthy relationships.
• Consent: Consent is a foundational topic that should be introduced early in life. Discuss who can give consent, how it is communicated, and why it is crucial in all relationships. Incorporate examples of physical, relational, and behavioral boundaries to help your teen understand that consent applies beyond sex and includes all forms of interpersonal interactions.
• Sexual Identity: Encourage your teen to explore questions about attraction, what makes them feel a certain way, and how they define their sexual identity. Remind them that it’s okay for their feelings and understanding of themselves to evolve over time and that your goal is to support their exploration in a nonjudgmental way.
• Gender: Biology and gender are not the same. Help your teen understand that gender identity goes beyond physical anatomy and is a deeply personal experience. Discuss the diversity of genders and help normalize conversations about gender identity.

When Can a Therapist Help?

A therapist might be helpful to you if your own trauma or complicated history with sex is a triggering conversation for you or if you notice that your child continuously shuts down or becomes emotionally labile when you try to discuss masturbation with them. Finding a therapist is easily done by using an online therapist directory, which allows you to search for licensed professionals based on your specific needs, location, and preferences. Alternatively, many online therapy platforms can match you with a therapist who specializes in family therapy or sexual health.