Though it can be one of the most awkward things to talk about with your tween or teenager, talking with your teen about masturbation is a hugely important step in acknowledging their healthy sexual development. It also creates a “sex positive” environment at home, a factor that can lead to delayed sexual debut and fewer sexual risk-taking behaviors later on.1
Why Is Talking About Masturbation Important?
Talking about masturbation with your teen is another part of discussing sex with your children. Instead of talking about how they relate sexually to others, you’re talking with them about developing a healthy sexual identity individually. Puberty can make a child feel shame about their changing body, and broaching difficult topics like masturbation can alleviate feelings of guilt and shame for what is a very normal experience.2
Talking about masturbation is important because:
- It encourages body awareness and bodily autonomy
- It allows them the freedom to explore pleasure
- It shows them that you’re willing to be vulnerable in difficult conversations
- It models how to approach adult topics with curiosity and non-judgment
Later conversations that will be helpful to have, such as talking to your child about consent and sexting, are much easier after this difficult one because you’ve started the conversation about these important boundaries.
What to Do If You Catch Them “In the Act”
If that dreaded incident happens, and you catch your child “in the act” of masturbating, don’t be alarmed. Your reactions to your teen’s masturbation can leave lasting impressions on how a teen experiences their own body’s reactions to sexual arousal, so do both you and your child a favor and take a deep breath to pause before reacting.
If you catch your teen masturbating, do the following:
- Apologize for any violation of their privacy, ie, you walked into a room without knocking. Own that you made a mistake by not respecting this spatial boundary.
- Take your own space and time to reflect on any reaction that you’re having to your child’s behavior and what these reactions tell you about your attitudes toward sex and masturbation. If you are feeling shame or disgust, these are reactions that warrant your own “work.”
- Let them know that you would like to talk with them about what happened at a time of their choosing, but kindly and firmly convey that this is not an optional conversation.
- To give you both a point of reference for the conversation, share some reading or websites with normalizing material about masturbation for them to review, such as those offered in the “additional resources” section of this article
10 Tips for How to Have the Masturbation Talk With Your Teen
Start the conversation by acknowledging that this is an awkward conversation for you as well as them, but that part of your job as a parent is to encourage all aspects of healthy development – physical, emotional, relational, and sexual, and that is your goal in talking with them about masturbation.
Here are 10 tips for talking to your teenager about masturbation:
1. Focus on Good Enough, Not Perfect
Open the conversation by letting them know you’re not an expert on this topic and know that it’s awkward for both of you. You’re meeting them where they are, and you’re asking them to do the same.
2. Keep It Congratulatory
Your child is exploring what brings them pleasure and joy which is something to be applauded about what can be the uncomfortable period of time that is puberty. Let them know that you’re proud of them for exploring what feels good to them in their bodies.
3. Use Appropriate & Relevant Self-Disclosure
It’s ok to share with your child that your parents never talked with you about masturbation, sex, or anything related to sexuality, if that’s your story. Conversely, share with them if your experience was to feel ashamed or guilty for all things sexual. Let them know that you’re simply trying to do this better or differently than what you experienced.
4. Start the Conversation Earlier, Rather Than Later
It’s often easier to start the masturbation chat with your kids when they’re younger, even before puberty, so that they know it’s safe to discuss all things related to their changing bodies before onset of puberty, which is happening at increasingly younger ages for children, globally.3
5. Let Them Know That This Is Part of an Ongoing Conversation
In the Netherlands, talking with kids about sex starts long before sex is even a consideration 4.When very young, children are taught about boundaries, agency, and relationships which makes subsequent conversations about sexual behaviors, consent, and masturbation just part of a larger national discourse. Contextualize that talking about masturbation is one piece of a much bigger and continuous conversation.
6. Stay Curious
Rather than assuming that your teen is masturbating, start by asking what they know about it, what they’ve seen, and what they’ve heard from friends. Staying in a place of curiosity will give them space to share what they know and what they think they know which can help you to tailor your responses to their needs.
7. Emphasize Normalcy
You cannot overstate how masturbation is a part of healthy sexual development in humans. Reassure them that they are normal, not deviant, and that they are doing nothing wrong by exploring what makes them feel good, and there are even health benefits to masturbation.
8. Set Boundaries
Talking with your teen about masturbation is an ideal time to remind them of the boundaries and expectations, both within your household and society, that accompany exploring one’s sexuality. Everyone has a right to privacy and quiet contemplation, of the mind or of the body, but there are limits here.
This is a great time to engage your teen in conversations about other boundaries in their lives such as whether or not they are interested in sexting or are comfortable with sex talk that can take place around them. This is an opportunity to teach or remind them about setting boundaries in a variety of areas of their lives; masturbation is fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with other parts of their life.
9. Keep It Humorous
Levity and use of humor are your friends when talking with your teen about masturbation. Try to use the kind of language that they do, laugh when you make mistakes (which you will), and allow yourself to be comedically vulnerable with your teen.
10. Stay the Course
Your teen will likely deflect talking about masturbation with you. That’s completely to be expected, but do not be daunted! It is their job to want to engage peers about masturbating, not parents, but stay the course and see this conversation through. They’ll someday thank you for it!
What NOT to Say During the Masturbation Chat
Anything that could evoke in your child a feeling of shame or suggest your disgust in them could not only shut down your teen from talking with you about sensitive topics in the future, but it could also shift their beliefs that sex is a dirty, shameful, or disgusting thing.
When talking about masturbation with your teen, avoid the following:5
- Shaming or judging language that could make them feel that they’re doing something morally wrong, dirty, or crude by exploring their bodies.
- Making fun of them or too quickly making light of something about which they may feel embarrassment or confusion. No one, especially a teenager, wants to be on the receiving end of a graphic joke about masturbation
- Shutting down the conversation because YOU become uncomfortable or hear things that you weren’t prepared to hear. If you find yourself rushing to get out of the conversation, that’s a sign that you might need to work on your own attitudes toward sex
When Should I Talk to My Child About Masturbation?
Talking to your child about masturbation should ideally occur before you suspect your child is going through puberty, but onset of puberty is an appropriate time to broach the subject of how the feelings and sensations within their bodies may change alongside the physical changes that are happening.
In a study of adolescent sexual health, researches found that normal ages for starting masturbating are:6
- By age 13, around 53% of males have started masturbating
- By age 13, around 25% of females have started masturbating
It is important to note that masturbation, because of the negative connotations associated with it, is often underreported, inhibiting accurate data. Additionally, very little research exists for gender non-conforming teens to date.
Who Else Is Talking to Your Kids About Masturbation?
Because puberty is a time when peer support often begins to outweigh a kid’s need for parental approval, it is important to note that, in the absence of information, kids will often seek clarity on sensitive topics like masturbation from other teens.
Perhaps your child’s school offers a comprehensive sexual education or relationship education plan, but whether or not this is formally introduced though school curricula, the parental voice is hugely important. It can be helpful to reach out to your child’s school guidance counselor to learn more about how they address all issues related to teen health, including masturbation.
Who Should Lead the Conversation?
Because of the delicate nature of talking about masturbation, whichever parent with whom the child may be closer or to whom the child discloses sensitive information is likely the parent who should take the lead.
It’s important to acknowledge that the teen should talk with whichever parent they wish to at any time, but that out of respect for their privacy, the masturbation chat is one that the family decided to keep smaller rather than larger.
Other Sex & Sexuality Topics To Discuss With Your Teen
It’s possible that talking with your teen about masturbation will bring up other topics related to sex, relationships, and intimacy. Prior to talking with your teen about masturbation, it’s critical to take some time as an individual or as a couple for parents to reflect upon their own relationship with other sex-oriented topics.
Other topics worth bringing up include:
- Pornography: Whether it’s images, drawings, or movies, access to pornography for teens has never been easier to obtain. Letting your kids know that it’s okay to be curious about pornography is a great way to broach talking about actual use of pornography and the benefits and detriments of consuming pornographic content.
- Sexting: With kids having phones at ever younger ages, sexting is a topic to review with your kids, often at the time in which you are buying them their first phone.
- Sex: The definition of what sex is, for whom, by whom, and under what circumstances is a national conversation. Now is a great time to allow your child to explore their sexual literacy.
- Consent: With movements like #metoo and #timesup, consent, who can give it, when, how, where, and so on, is a conversation that should actually begin when your child is very young and considering how they interact with others. It’s never too early to discuss physical, relational, and behavioral boundaries with your child.
- Sexual Identity: Who someone wants to be sexual with is no longer a he/she game (as if it ever was!) Encouraging your child to ask questions about to whom they’re attracted, what makes them feel that way, and to allow space for this kind of exploration is a step in the right direction.
- Gender: Biology does not equal gender! The conversation about gender transcends the simplicity of our sexual organs, and the list of genders with which one might identify is growing everyday.
When Can a Therapist Help?
A therapist might be helpful to you if your own trauma or difficult history with sex is a triggering conversation for you or if you notice that your child continuously shuts down or becomes emotionally labile when you try to discuss masturbation with them. Finding a therapist is easily done here by using an online directory
Final Thoughts
Having a conversation about masturbation with your teen is awkward and uncomfortable but there are ways to make it productive and healthy. By staying curious, open, and coming from a place of wanting to support your child, talking about masturbation with your teen can be the segue into many important conversations that will span the continuum of your child’s sexual development.
