12 Things a Stepparent Should Never Do

Challenges Stepparents Face

Stepping into the stepparent role can seem like a dream come true for some and like a nightmare for others. No matter how much you would like to create a perfect new family, it won’t happen if everyone isn’t on board–especially the children. It’s important that new stepparents take things slowly and look at the creation of the new family unit as a journey and not a sprint. Preparing yourself for a potentially stressful journey is helpful. Remember that this journey is difficult for the children.

There are a variety of challenges that are associated with the arrival of a stepparent into a family. Children crave routine and predictability in their lives. When something as major as a new partner for a parent upsets their equilibrium, it can take some time before a new “normal” is established. Children may immediately sense that their parent’s focus is no longer on the “old family unit” but now centered on their new partner. Many children harbor the fantasy that their parents will someday reunite, no matter how acrimonious their parents’ marriage may have been. When a stepparent becomes an official feature in their lives, this fantasy is shattered.

Here are some additional challenges a stepparent might encounter:

• Determining how to discipline: Every family has their own way of carrying out discipline with children. When stepparents come into this system, they may try to utilize what they feel is appropriate discipline without realizing that it’s not in alignment with the family’s standard. Some families consider nacho parenting to overcome these challenges.
• Dealing with new emotions: Every child will have their own way of dealing with frustration, stress, and anger. Unfortunately, stepparents may be the cause of some of these emotions while also being responsible for helping the child resolve them. This can be a tricky place for new stepparents who are unfamiliar with how far they should go in placating a child.
• The age of children: A child’s age greatly influences their reaction to having a new person in the family. Younger children may feel that their parents’ divorce is their fault. Older children and adolescents may be at the stage where pushing boundaries and striving for independence take center stage, leading to tension and distress for their parents.
• Managing boundaries between family members: Learning how to engage with a partner’s ex-spouse can take some diplomacy and practice. Depending on who initiated the parents’ split, there may be a significant amount of resentment by the ex-spouse.
• Maintaining house rules: Stepparents should feel that they have control over the rules that govern behavior in their own homes. However, children may have a hard time adapting to any new rules if they are significantly different from the old ones.
• Feelings of competition for your partner’s attention: Children will see the new stepparent as a threat to their place in their parent’s heart. Unfortunately, even new partners may feel as if their stepchildren are threats to them, in turn.

Challenges Stepchildren Face

While it can be difficult for the stepparent when they join a family, it is especially tough on the children. Children may respond with outright resistance and hostility to a stepparent, or they may hide their negative feelings. Transitions are never easy for anyone, but stepparents should be mindful of the ways in which divorce can affect a child.

Here are some challenges that a stepchild might encounter:

• Sibling rivalry: When children feel that a parent’s love is a limited resource, they may engage in sibling rivalry as they fight for attention. In some cases, sibling abuse may become an issue, especially if both partners are combining children from previous relationships. It’s important for the adults to prioritize keeping all the kids in the family physically and emotionally safe
• Trust issues: Trust in a parent is sometimes lost following divorce. When a new partner is brought into the family, a child may experience significant trust issues with the stepparent as they may feel that this person is the cause for their parents’ split.
• Adjustment disorders: This term is used to describe significant reactions or behavioral disruptions to a life stressor. Both parental divorce and the addition of a new stepparent can potentially lead to adjustment disorders in children.
• Grief: For many children, separation and divorce can cause grief. The loss of a life they once knew can be traumatic and there often is no accepted way for children to acknowledge, express, or work through their grief at the loss of the life they once knew.
• Regression: Children may not have the words or feel they have the space to share their fears or ask for reassurance. Thus, they may regress to earlier behaviors such as bedwetting, separation anxiety, or temper tantrums. When a child shows regressive behaviors, it’s their way of asking for more support than they are receiving.
• Competition with the stepparent: When children are used to having their parent all to themselves, they may be exceedingly competitive with the new stepparent in their bids for attention.

12 Things a Stepparent Should Never Do

In order to ease the transition into the role of stepparent, it is important to take things slowly and gently. Blended families have to create new routines and new rules. By taking time to accomplish these tasks, stepparents can get to know their stepchildren and learn what they need. Stepparents should prioritize their relationship with their partner, but also recognize that by helping stepchildren adjust, they are enhancing their relationship with their partner.

In order to support the development of healthy boundaries and mutual respect, here are 12 things that stepparents should never do:

1. Try to Be a Replacement Parent

It’s not a stepparent’s job to step in and try to assume the role of the absent parent. The stepparent needs to create their own sense of identity in the family and their own unique relationships with the children.

2. Play Favorites

The worst thing any parent can do is to play favorites with their children. This creates resentment between the children and stepparent. If each adult is bringing in children to the relationship, they need to ensure an equitable model of childrearing to ensure everyone feels special and loved equally.

3. Expect Perfection

Parenting is not a “paint-by-numbers” experience and having expectations that are too high can set a stepparent up for a big fall. Relationships develop slowly over time, and they don’t always “stay in the lines,” so be open to setbacks and challenges as the new family system is shaped.

4. Move Too Fast

Some children are much slower to adapt to change. Some adults have a harder time learning to function within a new environment, as well. Everyone’s personality is unique, so don’t expect everyone to move as quickly as you want to.

5. Force the Relationship

Don’t give up if the love you want to feel for your stepchildren or the love you want them to feel for you don’t develop right away. When people are coerced by others to feel a certain way, one natural instinct is to resist this influence. Let the relationships grow over time and focus on being supportive, empathic, and caring of the children.

6. Overstep Boundaries

The happiest families tend to have the healthiest boundaries in place. Boundaries should exist individually as well as around you and your new partner. Children should be given privacy and freedom to make age appropriate decisions.

7. Take Charge of Calling the Shots

While parents are definitely at the top of the family hierarchy, it’s important that stepparents let their partners take the lead with their children. By trying to step up and call the shots early on, you are going to risk alienating stepchildren and it may take years to undo the damage that results.

8. Badmouth the Other Parent

No matter how poorly your partner’s ex-spouse treated the family, children tend to remain very loyal to both parents. By insulting or disrespecting the other parent, you are going to create a rift that may never be fully mended. You don’t have to praise the absent parent, but you should speak of them with respect when the children are present. Children need to recognize that the adults function as a united front.

9. Avoid Engaging With the Children

If you keep your distance from the children, they will do the same and continue to treat you as an outsider. Be willing to spend time getting to know each child as a unique individual. Take an interest in what they care about, what they enjoy doing, and their feelings about the changes in the family. Offer to attend school activities or their extracurricular events with them.

10. Undervalue Communication

Good communication is as essential to healthy relationships as boundaries are. Be willing to have difficult conversations with your partner if they are needed. Be available and open to conversations with your stepchildren, as well. Having weekly “family meetings” and making it safe for everyone to respectfully share their concerns can ensure that little problems have a place to be addressed before they become big problems.

11. Play the “Heavy” to Prove your Position

Let your partner play the “heavy” role early in the relationship until you’ve developed trust with the children. Until children believe you have their best interest at heart and that they can trust you, any efforts to play a discipline role can result in disrespect and resistance. It can even potentially pit you against your new partner if the children drag them into the situation.

12. Tolerate Bullying or Rudeness

When bad behavior is accepted at the start of a relationship, it can be difficult to put an end to it later on. While children may not embrace their new stepparent unconditionally, stepparents and the children’s biological parent should put a stop to bullying and rudeness at the first instance it appears. Have clear rules about how everyone in the family should be treated.

How to Be a Good Stepparent

Every family and all stepparent-child relationships are unique. However, there are some basic relationship practices that apply to most blended dynamics. In fact, practicing patience, building mutual respect, and frequent communication are important aspects of all healthy relationships. Stepparents and their new partners should keep these at the forefront of their minds as they work together to support the success of their newly blended family.

Here are some specific tips for being an effective stepparent:

• Keep your expectations in check: Be realistic in what you expect to happen and at what speed. When you have realistic expectations, it makes setbacks easier to handle and the successes sweeter.
• Take your time settling into your new role: Give the relationships with your new stepchildren time to develop as you become a permanent fixture in their lives. There can be some trial-and-error as you try to find what works best for your family and it’s more important to let things unfold than try to force things.
• Always confer with your partner: Remember that your partner has a longstanding relationship with their children, and they have a right to weigh in on decisions.
• Be patient with your children: Strong relationships don’t develop overnight, so be patient as new relationships are being built.
• Seek outside support: Becoming an “instant parent” to kids of any age is hard, so seeking support from others who have traveled this path can be invaluable. Knowing that others have faced similar struggles normalizes your experience.
• Remember that every family is unique: Not every new family will blend as easily as another or have the same challenges, but each family has their own successes, too.
• Expect and reciprocate respect: The need to respect our elders is something many learn early. However, mutual respect is essential to a deeper relationship between stepparent and stepchild.
• Express empathy with your stepchildren: When a child acts out or shows signs of sadness or fear, empathize with them, and validate their feelings. Step into their shoes and respond to them with understanding and support.
• Educate yourself about childhood development: Take the time to learn more about the normal behavioral expectations, fears, and developmental stages typical of your stepchildren, especially if you aren’t experienced with parenting. Consider reading books and videos about parenting to learn effective ways of interacting with children and how to comfort them.

How Therapy Can Help

Stepparenting can be a daunting undertaking and it’s normal for a new stepparent to feel trepidation as they step into the role. Trying to find the balance between focusing on the new marriage while shouldering the new step-parenthood role is challenging. In many cases, working with a trained professional may provide significant benefits to the entire family.

Therapists can provide an objective perspective as well as a variety of resources to help a stepparent and their family find a new equilibrium. When seeking a therapist, there are many ways to find the right therapist who will be a good fit for a family’s needs. These include pursuing an online therapy directory, asking your medical doctor for a referral, or asking family members or close friends for referrals.

Therapy options for stepparents and blended families may include:

• Family therapy: Family therapy provides a space where all of the members can actively participate and share their own perspectives and experiences. It may even be helpful to include extended family members and both biological parents, as well.
• Couples therapy: There are many benefits from couples therapy as it provides a means of focusing on your relationship with your new partner. This can help you prioritize your relationship if your children are acting out or attempting to sabotage the marriage.
• Family systems therapy: When a newly created and blended family is forming, there can be minor or major challenges in creating a working system. Family systems therapy can be helpful as it focuses on how the family as a system influences individual behavior.
• Co-parenting counseling: The focus of co-parenting counseling is the shared parenting roles of all the adults in the family system. It is often used with divorced couples as they navigate the raising of their children.
• Group therapy: In group therapy, members are able to decrease their sense of isolation as they learn about others’ similar experiences. In addition, group members can provide support to one another and share helpful lessons they’ve learned through their transition into step-parenthood.

Final Thoughts

Change for a child is hard, and children may be especially resistant when a new stepparent enters their lives. Remind yourself that they are coping with a major shift in their lives and that it can be normal for their behavior to be unpredictable and less pleasing than preferred. It can take some give-and-take and trial-and-error, but healthy and rewarding relationships with your stepchildren are more than worth the effort you invest.