Nacho Parenting: What It Is, Pros, Cons, & More

What Is Nacho Parenting?

The premise behind nacho parenting is without an established connection, attempts at discipline will promote pushback and negative behaviors in children. Another belief that underlies this parenting style is disentangling the disciplinary relationship will reduce conflict. The degree to which a stepparent steps out of the day to day discipline will vary depending upon the ages of children, size of the family, and family schedule.

The term “Nacho Parenting” was coined by Lori and David Sims. They quickly discovered that parenting related arguments were putting their blended family in jeopardy. Things improved when they put this method into practice. Nacho parenting does not recommend that stepparents ignore stepchildren. Instead, it suggests that the relationship benefits from a more mentoring style of relating. There is criticism of this method based on the idea that when you marry a person with children, you marry the entire family.

How Does Nacho Parenting Work?

Putting nacho parenting into practice relates to where the children primarily reside, siblings, family schedule, and the ages of the children. Experimentation is needed to find the right mix of direct involvement and benign disengagement. It is not recommended that the stepparent be “hands off” in all instances. Some people may find that instituting nacho parenting requires them to release idealized notions about marriage and family.

Nacho parenting encourages step-parents to:

• Get to know the step children: become involved in non-disciplinary aspects of the child or children’s lives
• Stay out of disciplinary actions: avoid weighing in on or enforcing discipline
• Allow natural consequences: allow the child’s choices to play out (unless the issue relates to safety)
• Avoid setting rules: rules should be set by the biological parent
• Re-direct: Redirect to the biological parent when there are decisions to be made
• Expect change: the degree of involvement is likely to undergo changes over time
• Get help: Individual, marital or family therapy or coaching can ease the transition

Benefits of Nacho Parenting

Data on kinship reveals that stepparents in blended families are more likely to “claim” the children when they primarily reside with them, begin living with the stepparent at younger ages and when the parent and stepparent are married rather than cohabitating.¹ Perceiving a child as one’s “own” and learning to thrive as a blended family requires compromise and negotiation and above all, to manage expectations and your own emotional state.

Parenting literature has long demonstrated that “authoritative” parenting works. Authoritative parenting is a supportive parenting style which allows a child to make decisions appropriate to their developmental stage while the parent retains both connection and limit setting in the relationship. Nacho parenting puts limit setting into the realm of the biological parent but does not prevent the stepparent from connecting. “Parental warmth was found to be consistently associated with adult children’s adjustment, while parental control, and the individual parenting styles of parents and stepparents were largely unrelated to adjustment.”²

Possible benefits of nacho parenting include:

It Prioritizes the Child-Parent Relationship

Children may feel somewhat unsure of their place in the family once a stepparent enters the picture. Nacho parenting deems parent-child relationship as special and may enhance feelings of safety and trust in the situation as a whole. While a lot may have changed, their relationship with their parent is stable and consistent. When the stepparent can be a neutral but supportive relationship they can be an influential person in the child’s life.

The parent knows their child best. Knowing that they are the primary disciplinarian and rule setter for their child or children in the marriage can promote engagement and ensure that the child and parent have healthy mutuality despite the changing family composition.

It Reduces Family Stress

Creating an agreed upon structure for decision making may reduce natural stressors. Divorce is one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) which are known to correlate to poor health outcomes well into adulthood. Eliminating the push-pull of whose parenting philosophy is right could reduce the development of a dysfunctional family dynamic.

One of the mitigating factors that can reduce the effect of ACES on children, is having a supportive adult in their life.³ Over time the stepparent has the opportunity to play that role within the family with their stepchild. When the stepparent quickly assumes a disciplinary role, parental conflict can ensue between the former spouses as well as within the blended family. Reducing conflict with defined roles can decrease the impacts of divorce on children.

It Improves the Marriage

Remarriage is complex as shown in marriage counseling statistics. “Unfortunately the statistics for second marriages report a 74% failure rate and this is directly related to the added stress of blended family issues.”⁴ Nacho parenting reduces the need to have parenting related conflict or complaints related to parenting issues. Marriages will find that trusting the biological parent to parent in the way they think is best will also make them feel supported and promote a happier marriage. Successful emotional regulation skills are necessary to be a neutral party in parent-child issues and is also a skill that supports a healthy marriage.

It Can Improve Co-Parenting

A successful co-parenting relationship with the ex-partner is not always possible. It may be more likely when choosing a nacho parenting style. Often, former partners can feel excluded or even erased when a stepparent enters the family. This can be especially true if the ex-partner and stepparent have radically different ideas on what is best. SInce the nacho parenting style discourages even complaining about child rearing issues to the non-biological parent, a more harmonious co-parenting relationship with their ex-partner may result.

The Step Parent Retains Their Identity

Many step parents struggle with their role and responsibility in their new family. They may not have had the opportunity to formulate a parenting philosophy beforehand. Nacho parenting prevents issues where the stepparent might set a standard only to have their spouse change it. When those situations occur regularly the stepparent can wind up questioning their value and consequently their identity within the family.

Drawbacks of Nacho Parenting

Like any parenting technique, nacho parenting has potential drawbacks and considerations. No parenting philosophy can be decided in one moment and endure unchanged over the years. Practicalities such as work schedules, parent’s work hours and children’s needs must be considered.

Possible drawbacks of nacho parenting include:

• Availability: nacho parenting relies upon the biological parent being available to address the needs of the children
• Delegating responsibilities can be a challenge: taken to the extreme the division of responsibilities in the household can become unbalanced
• The individual needs of a child may change: younger children require more “hands on” effort, a particular child may have special physical or emotional needs that cannot be put off
• Fairness can be an issue: when there are siblings brought into the marriage by both parents or children born to the couple, issues around fairness can be challenging
• Too much distance: some families may struggle to develop closeness if the stepparent has little involvement in the day to day
• Ignoring important Issues: if the personal boundaries of the step parent are breached by the children with no way to address them, an unhealthy dynamic can emerge

Is Nacho Parenting Effective?

Parenting literature does not directly address the nacho parenting style by name. However, it does address that the most effective parenting style is “authoritative” parenting which can be defined as high expectation coupled with high responsiveness. Literature suggests that in comparison to single parent family homes, a step family may provide better outcomes for children. A meta analysis of parenting literature revealed that some researchers found the role of stepfathers particularly important in key aspects of parenting.⁵ Nacho parenting may give a helpful structure where guidance and resources for how to stepparent is lacking.

A fascinating study from the Philippines conducted in 2021 among college students from blended families acknowledges the dilemma of the high emotionality among teens and the likelihood that a stepparent might tend to develop the less effective authoritarian style of parenting in response. In response to authoritarian parenting style, emotional expression is inhibited. Balance in emotional expression is considered healthier. The study looked at emotional regulation among college students in blended families based on the parenting style (mostly authoritative) and concluded that there was no statistical difference in emotional regulation by parenting style in this age group.⁶ Nacho parenting might be a newer approach to stepparenting but does prevent the more negative, authoritarian style.on.

8 Tips for Practicing Nacho Parenting With Your Stepchild

You may be considering how to implement nacho parenting in your family. You will need to think about what is already working in your family, the needs of the children, and how your family’s culture and beliefs can be respected when making changes.

Here are 8 tips for practicing nacho parenting:

1.Prioritize Your Child’s Needs

Consider a child’s developmental stage, ability to emotionally regulate and who is available most often. This might start with a simple discussion about triggers for negative interactions. Are there times of day, certain topics or decisions that tend to tip off these discussions? How can the parent take the lead?

Children can be brought into the conversation about what they need or are comfortable with. Who manages conversations and custodial exchanges with the former spouse? What about school events or teacher conferences? Creating conditions that allow the highest degree of respect for all concerned will help you succeed.

2. Establish Clear Boundaries

Families play a critical role in developing pro-social behaviors in children. Setting healthy boundaries is important in any relationship. Nacho parenting is not intended to allow a child to take advantage of their stepparent. Clear boundaries of acceptable behaviors must be set and adhered to.

There are some things a step-parent should never do. Stepparents should never badmouth their spouse or the ex-spouse to the children. They should never bully, nor physically discipline the step child. They should also never tolerate boundary violations on the part of their stepchildren nor disrespectful behavior. They should also never engage in comparison between their biological children and the stepchildren and should not expect perfection in themselves or anyone else in the family.

3. Be Patient

Parenting takes a great deal of patience. Everyone will need time to adust. The biological parent might feel unsupported if they expect you to jump into the disciplinary process. The child or children may test the boundaries. Family relationships are a lifelong conversation.

4. Plan for Negative Behaviors

Plan for negative behaviors. Routine issues with children such as tantrums, undone school work or chores should have a routine method of handling them that is agreed upon in advance. How these issues are dealt with and reported to the biological parent should be treated as neutral and routine. Serious issues of safety must be dealt with at the moment.

5. Take Time to Respond

Not every issue must be dealt with immediately. Take the time to cool off, collect your thoughts and choose a measured response. Before responding, consider whether the problem is a recurring one, how serious it is and whether it represents a boundary violation. Were there any extenuating circumstances? Was the child transitioning between households, tired, hungry, or experiencing unusual stress?

6. Redirect Children

The rule of thumb is that where possible the stepparent should redirect children to their parent for permission, rules and discipline. Children may resist this because they may prefer an immediate answer or want to avoid consequences. Developing a standard, neutral response goes a long way.

7. Expect Change

Even in the most well planned and developed parenting plan, there will be unexpected changes in your child or family situation. A child’s needs change depending upon the schedule, stage of development or circumstances. One child may have needs that differ significantly from a sibling. Outside circumstances come into play during the lifespan of a family such as eldercare, job changes or the health of one of the parents.

Puberty and teenage angst might dictate some changes in your approach. You may have been successful with a shared parenting approach until the teenage years. Increased conflict and heightened resistance to your role in the family merit consideration of a changed approach.

8. Encourage The Parent

Your spouse may experience periods of overwhelm and doubt about their ability to handle the current parenting challenges. You can provide a vital sounding board without giving advice, creating conflict or reverting back to the status quo. Using active listening skills, encouraging self care and sharing positives about the child helps.

Is Nacho Parenting Right for My Family?

Nacho parenting might not be the right fit for every family. If the biological parent works long hours or there is a child in need of a lot of hands on care, it may not be the best approach. When a family is larger this may not work as well.

Parents can try to incorporate elements of it into their approach. If there are particular triggers or areas of high conflict, changing the parent who takes the lead might be helpful. Having fewer debates about the merits of disparate parenting ideas can create a more harmonious family life.

When to Seek Support

When parenting issues are threatening the marriage or a child’s resistance to the stepparent is getting unmanageable it may be wise to seek support. You can find the right therapist through an online therapist directory or your insurance, finding someone who specializes in family therapy is a good choice. For busy parents, using online therapy options can be efficient.

Therapy options:

• Family therapy: involves all members of the family
• Marital therapy: the best marriage and couples counseling emphasizes the marital partnership
• Individual therapy: psychotherapy focuses on how one person is managing. This is helpful if one partner is struggling with emotional regulation.

In My Experience

Nacho parenting is one method that allows families to institute boundaries that reduce role overlap, confusion and uncertainty and ease into their unique style of family functioning. In my experience, having an explicit framework which is agreed upon and adopted in your family will improve outcomes. In blended families I have found there is a delicate balance and the focus on developing a positive relationship between the stepparent and child can tip the scales in the right direction.