What Not to Say to Someone With OCD, According to a Therapist

What Is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition that can be marked by repeated distressing and intrusive thoughts and feelings of anxiety, followed by compulsive behaviors, which are an attempt to reduce the anxiety. OCD impacts 1-2% of the population and is often seen in early adulthood.¹ OCD is a type of anxiety disorder that impacts activities of daily living and overall functioning.

OCD is characterized by:

• Obsessions: Obsessions are consistent unwanted thoughts or images that interrupt a person’s mind. These intrusive thoughts can trigger intense anxiety, and individuals with OCD will feel compelled to perform tasks repeatedly to alleviate distress.
• Compulsions: Compulsions are the behaviors or actions that are a response to the obsessions. This continued pattern of behaviors reduces the stressful feeling and often takes up time in a person’s day-to-day life but does not provide a long-lasting feeling of relief.

Why the Way You Speak About OCD Matters

The way a person speaks about OCD is important as it will impact the stigmatization of OCD. Those with OCD already feel an immense amount of shame and/or OCD-induced guilt because of their daily struggles. When people use terminology loosely to talk negatively or diminish the severity of OCD, it intensifies these feelings. Additionally, it can discourage a person from seeking treatment.²

What Not to Say to Someone With OCD

While you may want to help a loved one with OCD, engaging with them can be more harmful than helpful if you are reinforcing their obsessions and compulsions. It is important to understand the struggles an individual with OCD may have in order to avoid stigmatizing their behaviors. Additionally, try to avoid reassurance-seeking as it could worsen obsessive thoughts.

Here are seven things you should not say to a person with OCD:

1. “Don’t Worry, We Are All a Little OCD”

Using this phrase devalues a person who has an OCD diagnosis. Stating that everyone has a little OCD undermines the diagnosis and the impact that it has on a person’s day-to-day life. This harmful statement could cause a person to feel that their diagnosis is not valid or impactful and cause them not to seek treatment.

2. “Just Relax”

Telling a person to relax in a moment when they are overwhelmed or having compulsions may diminish their feelings and cause them to think that their feelings are not valid. When a person is told to “just relax,” they may feel that they are not entitled to feel overwhelmed or impacted by their thoughts. If they feel that they are not entitled to be overwhelmed, they may not seek out coping skills for their OCD that would be helpful for them.

3. “You’re Being Irrational”

This straightforward statement can be harmful to a person with OCD as it dismisses the feelings that a person might have. A person will hear this and can often feel self-blame and begin to isolate themselves because they feel that their emotions are not valid. While a person might recognize their thoughts are not in line with reality, saying this to a person with OCD can cause them to feel misunderstood and less likely to seek treatment.

4. “Why Don’t You Come to My House & Clean?”

This phrase is often used by people who think that OCD is just cleaning and keeping things tidy. They do not understand the negative impacts that OCD has on a person’s day to day. This can be harmful because it makes light of the frustrations a person with OCD experiences.

5. “It’s All In Your Head”

When someone is told that their emotions are merely figments of their imagination, it can alienate them from their sense of reality and exacerbate their feelings of isolation. By saying this to a person with OCD, they feel that they are being shamed and are less likely to share their feelings or show some parts of themselves. In turn, this often makes them feel they need to isolate because of their feelings.

6. “You Are Making a Big Deal of Nothing”

This direct response to a person can make them feel invalidated by their thoughts and feelings. By telling a person with OCD that their intrusive thoughts are not a big deal, they no longer will feel that they should share their feelings. It will become less likely for a person to open up to others, and they will begin to isolate.

7. “I Like Being Organized Too”

OCD is not just about being organized, and expressing this statement makes a person feel that their diagnosis is not as impactful as it actually is. Organization is one minor part of a person’s diagnosis, and this statement diminishes all other OCD symptoms. This unhelpful statement can cause a person to be less likely to share the other impacts of their day-to-day life.

What You Should Say to Someone With OCD

While there are many things that are not helpful to someone with OCD, there are some phrases or supportive statements that can be helpful. Using encouraging statements for a person with OCD lets them know you are there to support them and create a safe space for them to open up.³

Here are some tips for what you should say to someone with OCD:

• “I’m here to support you in managing OCD.”: Being a space a person can turn to is helpful in a person knowing that they are not alone. Feeling supported can be the difference a person needs to make changes in their life.
• “What can I do to help your distress?”: Knowing that a person has a choice in the way their distress is handled can help a person feel more open. Asking this question allows a person to feel empowered in the choices they ask for help with.
• “I won’t judge you for your rituals or compulsions.”:  Having a non-judgmental space allows a person to be open and honest about the impacts of their rituals or compulsions. Feeling less judged will give a person the opportunity to make changes needed.
• “You’re more than your OCD.”: Empowering a person to know they are more than their OCD allows them to know people see them for more than their diagnosis. Saying this to a person will allow them to feel that they are seen as more.
• “I understand if you need extra time for some tasks.”: When a person is told that they have more time, they will feel less rushed and be able to know that a person recognizes the time it takes for them to get items done. Feeling less rushed helps a person to feel less judged.
• “It is okay to ask for help.”: Giving a person time to ask for help allows a person to feel comforted in knowing they are not judged. Encouragement of help gives a person the opportunity to feel that others are not thinking negatively of them.
• “I recognize OCD is real and is challenging.”: The validation of OCD being real helps a person to feel more accepted and understood. This acceptance helps a person to feel less ashamed of their diagnosis.

When to Find Professional Help for Someone With OCD

Finding help for someone with OCD is important so that a person is able to live a fulfilled life while navigating their OCD. When a person recognizes that their symptoms of obsessions and compulsions are interfering with their day-to-day, it is important to seek professional help. An individual can search an online therapist directory or online therapy platform to find someone who specializes in OCD treatment so they have an appropriate fit for a therapist.⁴

Treatment options to explore for someone with OCD include:

• Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP): ERP is a top treatment for OCD and involves gradual exposure over time to anxiety-provoking situations. With repeated exposure, a person will learn the skills to tolerate the anxiety they feel without turning to compulsions.⁵
• Medications: Medications for OCD will usually include serotonin reuptake inhibitors that will increase levels of serotonin in the brain and can help to regulate a person’s mood. This, in turn, will reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT for OCD is an approach to identify thoughts and the actions that they have from the thought. Using this type of therapy means restructuring the thoughts so that irrational thoughts and beliefs will not impact actions negatively.
• Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT therapy encourages a person to accept their thoughts without judgment and be open to identifying their values and engaging in actions that align with these values. This therapy helps a person to feel free from being controlled by their OCD.⁶
• Psychodynamic Therapy: Psychodynamic therapy takes a look into a person’s unconscious thoughts and uncovers early life experiences that might have impacted the obsessions and compulsions. A client will explore past experiences and the unresolved conflicts that might contribute to symptoms.
• Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT): As an approach that combines practices of thoughts and mindfulness, MBCT helps a person to pay attention to the present moment without judgment. This therapy makes a person more aware of their compulsions and helps a person to act less impulsively.

In My Experience

In my experience, a person with OCD needs a supportive environment in order to feel that they are accepted and that they are able to get the appropriate treatment. A supportive environment allows a person to be more honest with their feelings, and in turn, they are able to get treatment that is more appropriate for them. When a person recognizes that their day-to-day is being negatively affected, it is helpful to get treatment with someone who specializes in OCD.