Why Am I So Angry? 10 Reasons From a Therapist

What Is Anger?

First and foremost, anger is an emotion. It often presents as someone becoming hostile, defensive, or responding with opposition to someone/something they feel has wronged them.¹ Surprisingly, anger is actually a secondary emotion. This means it is an emotion fueled by another emotion.

One of the best ways to think of anger is through the anger iceberg below. You’ll see anger is the tip of the iceberg, meaning it is what you feel and what others see; however, beneath the surface are all the other potential emotions you may actually be feeling.^{2, 3}

Why Am I So Angry?

Most people assume anger stems primarily from feeling wronged, insulated, or hurt by another person, but it can also stem from other things in our lives.

Here are 10 reasons you may be angry:

1. Stress: Maybe you feel behind on a work project, feel you’re not reaching your goals, or feel as if there’s not enough time in the day to care for yourself. Stress can come from many different things, but sometimes it can lead people to feel angrier.
2. Personal problems: When we have relationship difficulties or negative events happen to us (e.g., getting stuck in traffic 3 days in a row), it’s normal to start to feel angry.
3. Negative events: Maybe you were in a car accident or your boss has been treating you poorly. All these events are scary and frustrating, and can definitely lead to anger.
4. You’re tired/fatigued: Not getting enough rest or feeling like you can’t catch up on sleep can be aggravating and impact our distress tolerance. This can make us more susceptible to feeling anger.
5. Feeling wronged or invalidated: If you feel unheard, unseen, and hurt, it’s likely you’re going to feel anger.
6. Substance use: Alcohol, cannabis, and recreational drugs can change your perception, mood, and reactions. Some people find the substances themselves lead them to feel anger, while for others, it’s the side effects of these substances.
7. Mental health: Anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc., can often lead people to feel more on edge, irritable, or angry.
8. Physical health: Hormone imbalances, traumatic brain injuries/concussions, thyroid disease, diabetes, chronic pain, and generally feeling unwell can impact how we feel and how we react.
9. Hunger: Hanger is real and some people find when their blood sugar is too low, they begin to feel more irritable and on edge.
10. Learned behavior: If anger was a primary way your family communicated growing up, it’s very likely your own behaviors were shaped by this. Early life events frequently shape our personalities and how we respond to our environments.

Note: This list is by no means exhaustive or able to capture everyone’s experience. If you feel angry for another reason or because of a different trigger, your experience is still valid.

Trauma

Trauma is a major and life-changing event with many emotions attached, but sometimes anger acts like a mask that covers another emotion.

Types of trauma that can make you angry include:

• Childhood trauma: There are many reasons childhood trauma can make someone angry. For example: you might feel like your childhood was stolen from you or you didn’t get to have the same experience as “normal kids”.
• Ancestral trauma: Intergenerational trauma is often overlooked and misunderstood. Many people don’t recognize the impact their trauma has on others in their life and how this can be passed down from generation to generation.
• Racial trauma: Chronic exposure to the physical and emotional distress related to witnessing or experiencing racism, discrimination, and unjust treatment leads many to feel angry, irritable, and “on edge”.
• LGBTQ+ trauma: Chronic exposure to discrimination, prejudice, and other forms of negative treatment as a result of your sexual orientation and gender identity can lead to anger, frustration, sadness, and suicidal ideation.
• Sexual trauma: Having sexual boundaries crossed and violated is an extremely emotional and vulnerable experience. Many people eventually feel anger towards the person who assaulted them or even towards the criminal justice system when they feel unheard or the perpetrator is not held accountable.

Mental Health Issues

Anger can be both a symptom of mental health or a response to struggling with your mental health. Many people experience both. Mental health issues can feel overwhelming, relentless, and difficult to overcome. Not to mention finding care can often be frustrating, costly, and difficult.

Types of mental health issues that can make you angry include:

• Borderline personality disorder (BPD): The emotional instability, trouble regulating mood, intense mood swings, relationship challenges, and troubles with self-related to BPD can make someone very angry. It can also lead people to have trouble managing or navigating their anger⁴
• Anxiety: Continuously feeling on edge, nervous, fearful, and as if something bad is going to happen leads many people to feel more irritable and angry.
• Depression: Anger is not often associated with depression. Many people find despite low energy and mood, they may also feel angry with themselves, the world, their future, and others.
• ADHD: Many people with ADHD struggle to cope with intense emotions like anger and also experience struggles with emotion regulation.
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD), and conduct Disorder: Each of these disorders is diagnosed in childhood/adolescence, but something they all have in common is anger. Many diagnosed with these conditions have angry emotional outbursts, or emotional reactivity, which can result in violence, aggression, or other defiant behaviors.
• Bipolar Disorder: While mania is often associated with euphoria, some people experience anger, rage, and increased irritability instead.
• Schizophrenia: Those with paranoid schizophrenia may be particularly susceptible to anger. For example: anger as a result of their perception that others may want to harm them.
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Continuously having distressing, unwanted, thoughts, urges, and compulsive behaviors can be exhausting. Many with OCD report symptoms of anger.

Is it Possible to Be Angry for No Reason?

For most people, anger stems from a trigger. But, in some cases, the anger may seem unprovoked and random. If you feel like you are angry for no reason, it’s important to identify potential causes. If there is no obvious cause, identifying solutions for how you can cope is equally important.

The Effects of Being So Angry All the Time

While anger is a normal, natural, and even healthy emotion, it can quickly become problematic.

Here are a few of the effects being so angry can have on you:

Psychological Effects

We talked about anger as a symptom of anxiety and depression, but when anger is not managed successfully or correctly, it can also lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders. It can also lead to increased frustration, stress, and irritability.

Physical Effects

Chronic and prolonged anger has been linked to several physical health problems like high blood pressure, increased heart rate, and increased cortisol production (stress hormone). Over time these can lead to more severe consequences like heart disease, stroke, and a weakened immune system making it harder to fight off infection/illness.

Effects on Relationships

Anger can quickly break down and negatively impact relationships leading to increased conflict, misunderstanding, resentment, and mistrust. Over time those in your life may not feel they are able to open up or approach you, which can feel isolating and hurtful.

Effects on Work

Anger at work can have similar negative effects resulting in increased conflict, resentment, and mistrust. It could also harm your reputation. If anger continues to be unresolved, there could be possible disciplinary action, increased stress, and a negative impact on job performance.

How to Stop Being So Angry

The good news is there are ways to cope and navigate anger in a healthy, effective way. Skills can be helpful to reduce your anger short term, but therapy is recommended long-term to help you better understand your anger, identify triggers, and cope effectively.

Here are ways to stop being so angry:

Attend Therapy

Therapy is a great resource for anger. It provides you a space to talk about your anger in depth, explore triggers, and cope; however, some therapy modalities may be more beneficial than others depending on where your anger is stemming from (eg. anger stemming from trauma vs. anger stemming from BPD)

Therapy options for anger include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT for anger can help you identify triggers and then can help you identify healthy coping strategies. It can also help you better understand how your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors all work together. CBT has been shown to be effective for a wide range of mental health diagnoses like anxiety, depression, substance use, and co-occurring disorders.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): Is for folks who experience emotions very intensely and is the first line of treatment for BPD. DBT helps people learn to cope and change their lives.
• Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT): This is similar to CBT, but includes more mindfulness-based coping, such as breathing and meditation exercises. Many people with anxiety find this type of treatment helpful.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): Particularly helpful for those with trauma. It focuses on changing the many emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that result from trauma.
• Art or Music Therapy: Art or music therapy likely requires you to have some interest in either area, but doesn’t require you to have any skills. Both art and music have been found to be excellent outlets for expressing and coping with intense emotions.

Practice Relaxation Techniques

Finding a quiet place to sit and visualize somewhere that makes you feel calm, safe, or peaceful can help you feel less angry. Deep breathing and other meditation activities can also be beneficial for reducing anger. A helpful tip is to practice these skills even when you aren’t angry. This will help the skills be more effective when you need them.

Take A Break or Walk Away

Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away or take a break. When you take a break, you are giving yourself a moment to calm down, collect your thoughts, and identify your emotions. This can help you re-enter the space you were in, in a way that will be more beneficial and effective.

A lot of times, people say or do things when they are angry that aren’t a true reflection of how they are really feeling. You may yell and scream, but really you just want the person across from you to hear you. By taking a break, you are able to re-approach them and share how you feel without yelling.

Practice Self-Compassion

Maybe you’ve said or done some things you aren’t proud of. This can lead us to speak harshly to ourselves or assume we are a “bad person”. How we speak to ourselves and feel about ourselves matters. If you think you are a terrible person and tell yourself you are, it’s very likely you’re going to start to feel even more angry. Remember, anger doesn’t make you a bad person. Being angry at yourself isn’t going to help you feel less angry in your life.

Identify Triggers

Identifying what is making you angry can help you problem-solve how to decrease your anger or navigate the situation differently. The more you know about what is making you angry and why, the more likely it is you can find a way to do something about it.

A helpful exercise is to keep an anger log. Each time you get angry, write down a summary of what happened, where you were, who you were with, how you felt, and what happened. Over time and after reviewing what you’ve written, you may start to notice patterns or triggers.

When to Seek Professional Support

If your anger has started to negatively impact your relationships, work, self-care, peace of mind, or any other areas of your life, it may be time to seek professional support. It’s also important to seek help for your anger if you feel like it is starting to get worse. For example: you are starting to have outbursts or behaviors that could potentially be harmful to yourself or others. You want to tackle the anger before it tackles you.

You can always check out an online therapist directory or online therapy platform where you can search for a therapist who specializes or has experience with treating anger.  There are also anger-specific resources like anger management courses, classes, and support groups.

In My Experience

In my experience, anger is a very common symptom and difficulty; however, it’s not widely talked about. Many people have no idea that others are struggling with the same thing they are. I also have a lot of folks who come saying, “I’ve never been an angry person and I’m worried”. All this to say, you’re not alone. Anger can be treated and managed. While it may take some time and may also take some practice, you can overcome your anger.