Overthinking in relationships can lead to a myriad of challenges. Essentially, you’re living in the future or the past and aren’t able to be emotionally available for your partner in the moment. You can find yourself experiencing significant emotional distress because of the anxiety that comes from overthinking. However, being willing to confront overthinking can lead to healthier relationships.
Are you constantly needing “reassurance” in relationships?
Most people like to hear words like “I love you”. However, if you are obsessively thinking about whether your partner cares about you and needing reassurance, you might have Relationship OCD. Find out if you have OCD.
Here are 11 tips for how to stop overthinking in relationships:
1. Reflect on Why You’re Overthinking
While this seems self-explanatory, the truth is that overthinking can occur without you realizing it. Take some time away from distractions to mentally explore the cause for your overthinking.1 Many times, it’s just easier to jump to the worst-case scenario without thinking through the reasons why you’re doing it.
2. Explore Any Control Issues
Overthinking can come from a desire to control the situation or your partner’s behaviors. Being excessively controlling may indicate that your relationship has an unhealthy dynamic.3 Consider what’s within the realm of your control and what isn’t. While you can’t change what is said to you or how your partner behaves, you can control your reactions and decisions.
3. Implement Mindfulness Practices
Grounding exercises can help you be more focused in the present and less likely to turn towards your internal dialogue. Mindfulness practices can also help you self-regulate when you’re feeling strong emotions and calmly approach conflict resolution.4 Meditation, taking deep breaths, or engaging your senses are all mindfulness practices to address overthinking.
4. Practice Clear Communication
Talk to your partner about your concerns and when you feel anxious. Make eye contact and listen to understand their perspective instead of listening to respond.5 It’s also important to practice giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and time to share without interrupting.6 You may not always know when you’re overthinking, or if you’re taking things too personally, but keeping the lines of communication clear can help you to feel more emotionally safe.
5. Give Your Thoughts an Outlet
Overthinking can be an indication of a strong internal dialogue. This means that you may find yourself constantly thinking about the relationship, even when other things require your attention. Start writing in a journal or expressing your thoughts in other ways.7 Journaling can help you put words to your thoughts and manage your stress in a healthy way.
6. Question Your Thoughts & Feelings
Feelings aren’t facts. Take a moment to identify if your overthinking is feeling-based or fact-based. Are you imagining that your partner doesn’t love you or have they intentionally started to distance themselves from you? Are you overthinking because of something that has occurred in the past or is it something you don’t want to occur in the future?
Are you constantly needing “reassurance” in relationships?
Most people like to hear words like “I love you”. However, if you are obsessively thinking about whether your partner cares about you and needing reassurance, you might have Relationship OCD. Find out if you have OCD.
7. Identify Your Desired Outcome
Consider what you want overall from your partner and the relationship. Do you want more connection? Do you want more clarity? Think about where you want your relationship to grow and if you see long term potential. Knowing your goal can help you make healthy decisions about your relationship.
8. Explore Your Own Interests
It’s not healthy for one person to be the sole source of companionship and fun. Find a hobby outside of your relationship.8 It doesn’t need to be a business or a source of income, but it does need to bring you joy. The more balance you have in your relationship, the less likely you’ll be to overthink.
9. Take Accountability
It’s OK to have doubts, so don’t be afraid to own them. Overthinking may have more to do with your fears or past experiences than your present partner. It’s important for you to share your relationships expectations with your partner and recognize if there were any times where you didn’t fully share but held your partner to an uncommunicated standard.9
10. Find the Truth in Your Overthinking
Take some time to self-reflect on if there’s any truth to your overthinking. Is it a narrative that you’re making up in your head or is there a legitimate reason as to why? Has there been a recent stressful event? Have your partner’s habits changed? Evaluate what you’re thinking and if you’re imagining the worst possible outcome or internalizing a belief that you don’t deserve love or a relationship.10
11. Face Your Fears
Identify what fears are fueling your overthinking and explore them through therapy. Fear can be a potent fuel for overthinking. You may fear losing the relationship or losing your sense of self. It’s also possible that you may fear rejection or feel like you’re missing out on someone who may be a better fit for you.11
Would better communication improve your relationship?
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
Couples Counseling – ReGain specializes in helping individuals and couples repair their relationships. Complete a brief questionnaire to be matched with a therapist. Start online counseling for as little as $65 per week. Visit ReGain
Why Do People Overthink in Relationships?
“Different people overthink in romantic relationships for different reasons. There are at least three times when it is normal to over focus on one’s romantic relationship:
- In adolescence when everything about a romantic relationship is new
- During the “falling in love” phase
- When the relationship is having serious trouble
For #1 & #2 above, it is usually not distressing; for #3, seek help from a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychologist (PhD or PsyD), or Counselor (MA) with expertise in treating couples. If you have a pattern of overthinking in your relationships, you may have an “anxious” romantic attachment style (ARAS). People with an ARAS tend to be preoccupied or even fearful about things being wrong with them &/or their relationship. Ironically, their somewhat desperate attempts to stay connected often wind up driving their partner away. Thankfully, therapy is very commonly used to help people change their ARAS.” – Patricia “Trish” L. Kaminski, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of North Texas
How Therapy Can Help
Therapists come from a variety of backgrounds and can have numerous special areas of practice; however, if you’re looking to get support for overthinking, it’s a good idea to work with a therapist who has a relational lens. A therapist who specializes in the development of healthy relationships can help you gain more insight into your internal dialogue about relationships.
Overthinking can also be an indication that it’s time to start exploring options for couples therapy as you work to become more emotionally connected and mutually trusting. If so, take steps to prepare for couples therapy before it begins. Therapy can help you learn the skills to confront negative thinking patterns and address the fears behind your overthinking behaviors.
One simple way to find the right therapist is to visit an online therapist directory.
Final Thoughts
Overthinking can be a sign of underlying issues in your relationship or in your life. You may be more prone to overthinking if you experience a lot of relationship anxiety or worry on a regular basis. Take the time to invest in your emotional well-being. With the proper support along with patience, you’ll be able to successfully manage overthinking behaviors.
Additional Resources
To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.
BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Relationships aren’t easy – a licensed therapist can help. Live sessions can be done via phone, video, or live-chat. Plus, you can message your therapist whenever you want. Visit BetterHelp
Online-Therapy.com (Online Couples Therapy) – Do you and your partner want to work together to have less arguments and better communication? Are there children involved and being caught in the crossfire? Do you love each other but are having a rough time operating as one unit? Couples therapy can help. Get Started
OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started
Relationship Newsletter (Free From Choosing Therapy) – A newsletter for those interested in improving relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up
For Further Reading
Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy Options
Marriage and couples therapy can be helpful and a worthwhile investment for couples who want to seek help with their relationship. Which online platform will work best for you will depend on what issues you want to work on, what your goals are for your relationship, the cost, and if it’s available in your state.
OurRelationship - Free Relationship Course
- Communication problems / too many arguments
- Emotional distance or lack of love
- Lack of trust or infidelity/cheating
Are Your Relationship Doubts a Symptom of Relationship OCD or a Wrong Relationship?
Have you ever wondered to yourself, “What if I’m not in love with my partner anymore? What if I’ve never been?” For some people, these thoughts are more than occasional. They can become constant and overwhelming, and even lead to compulsive actions like seeking reassurance to quiet them. When these thoughts and actions rise to the level of obsessive-compulsive order (OCD), they are known as relationship OCD, or ROCD.
Find a therapist for relationship issues
Get the help you need from a therapist near you
City or zip Search