10 Tips For Coping With ADHD Spouse Burnout

What Is ADHD Spouse Burnout?

ADHD spouse burnout refers to the chronic stress and exhaustion that a person without ADHD might experience when managing the challenges of having a partner with ADHD. This can be particularly tough if the non-ADHD partner is unaware of what causes their partner’s struggles with concentration, focus, and memory, which can lead to increased frustration and strain on the relationship. Adding to this complexity, many adults with ADHD may not even realize they have the condition, making it harder for both partners to understand and address the issues that arise.

The duration of ADHD spouse burnout can vary widely. It often depends on factors like how much support the non-ADHD partner provides, how consistently they engage in self-care, and whether they have a strong support network outside of the relationship.¹

How Can ADHD Symptoms Cause Spouse Burnout?

Many non-ADHD partners might feel burned out because they end up shouldering more of the responsibilities in their relationship. Depending on whether their partner has inattentive ADHD, hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, or combined ADHD, they might struggle with things like forgetfulness, time blindness, and impulsivity. Marriage is challenging enough on its own, but it can be especially tough when it feels like your spouse isn’t following through on important tasks and commitments.

ADHD symptoms that may contribute to ADHD spouse burnout include:

• Difficulty focusing: An ADHD spouse may struggle to stay on task, often becoming side-tracked or distracted. The non-ADHD partner may need to redirect their partner, which can become exhausting.
• Forgetfulness: When a spouse with ADHD misses appointments, forgets about a task, or falls short on their responsibilities, the non-ADHD partner can feel overwhelmed by the need to take on these obligations in their place.
• Time blindness: When an ADHD partner struggles with time blindness, it can make it difficult to maintain a consistent daily routine, such as regular meal times, bedtime, or exercise schedules. Additionally, they might consistently be late to family events, social gatherings, or even work.
• Disorganization: Not everyone can cope with cluttered spaces and disorganization. Some people may feel completely overwhelmed by their ADHD spouse’s untidiness or inability to organize their schedules, tasks, and responsibilities.
• Increased impulsivity: An ADHD partner may make impromptu choices, sometimes leaving the non-ADHD spouse responsible for the consequences of their risky behavior. For example, the ADHD partner might buy expensive items without consulting their spouse, which could strain the couple’s finances, leaving the non-ADHD partner to figure out how to cover bills or other financial obligations.
• Restlessness: A person with ADHD might be restless, which can become exhausting for the non-ADHD partner. They may feel the need to match their partner’s “go, go, go” rhythm, draining them of their energy.
• Need for constant stimulation: ADHD partners may become easily bored or disinterested in tasks and projects. The non-ADHD partner may take on these responsibilities or chores themself, contributing to burnout and stress.
• Emotional dysregulation: Many people with ADHD struggle with emotional dysregulation, which can be challenging for a non-ADHD partner to navigate. Frequent emotional outbursts or shifts can create a tense environment, leading to increased stress and exhaustion for the non-ADHD spouse.

What Does ADHD Spouse Burnout Feel Like?

ADHD spouse burnout often feels like a relentless emotional and physical exhaustion that seeps into every aspect of life. It can manifest as frustration from constantly managing household responsibilities, resentment towards the ADHD partner for their perceived lack of contribution, and a profound sense of isolation as the non-ADHD spouse may feel that their needs and feelings are being overlooked.

The burnout may also cause physical symptoms such as persistent fatigue, trouble sleeping, more frequent colds, or even headaches. The constant stress and imbalance can seem unsustainable and can lead to feelings of hopelessness, where the non-ADHD spouse might begin to question the viability of the relationship.²

Common signs of ADHD spouse burnout include:

• Emotional dysregulation
• Decreased interest in sexual intimacy
• Chronic fatigue
• Neglect of self-care
• Resentment in the marriage

How to Cope With ADHD Spouse Burnout

Living with an ADHD spouse can feel challenging, but seeking professional support and working on communication can help you have a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. There are many different stress management tools that can help you support your partner without acting as a parent or caregiver. Additionally, ensuring you have your own support system –whether through friends, family, or a therapist – can provide you with the emotional resilience needed to navigate the relationship.

Here are ten tips for dealing with ADHD spouse burnout:

1. Stop Parenting Your Spouse

Sometimes, being married to someone with ADHD leaves you feeling like a parent. When you take on too many responsibilities, it can create an unhealthy dynamic where you become more of a caretaker or parent rather than a romantic partner. This shift can strain the relationship because it undermines the sense of equality and mutual respect that is essential for a healthy romantic connection. Instead of taking on a parental role, focus on encouraging your partner to develop coping skills for their ADHD, so they can manage their own responsibilities.³

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in a relationship provide guidelines for acceptable behavior, speech, and acts for both partners. Setting boundaries with your ADHD partner means defining limits and responsibilities within the relationship and around the shared home. There must be an understanding between one another, allowing for shared decision-making and a healthy balance.

How to Set Boundaries - Free Worksheet

Setting boundaries allows you to communicate more effectively, protect your well-being, and build stronger relationships.

Download

3. Work on Your Communication

Clear and open communication is vital in any relationship, especially when one partner has ADHD. ADHD can sometimes lead to misunderstandings, missed cues, or forgotten conversations, which can cause frustration and resentment. Establishing effective communication strategies, such as using reminders, setting specific times to discuss important matters, and practicing active listening, can reduce the amount of arguing with your ADHD partner and help both of you feel heard and understood.

4. Educate Yourself

Learning about ADHD and how it impacts your partner can reduce the frustration you may feel toward your spouse. Educating yourself can help you better understand your partner’s behavior, develop more realistic expectations, and communicate more compassionately. Having an understanding of ADHD can also help guide your discussions on dividing tasks, communicating your needs in a way that your partner can hear you, and set you both up for success in the relationship.

5. Delegate Tasks

Delegating and assigning tasks in your relationship ensures that there is an equal balance of responsibilities, which allows you and your ADHD partner to feel supported by one another. Reducing the demand you place on yourself can also prevent future ADHD spouse burnout and promote positivity in your relationship. Moreover, delegating tasks can help your ADHD spouse to focus on tasks that align with their strengths and abilities.

6. Find Professional Support For Yourself

The stress of managing the challenges that come with being married to someone with ADHD can leave you feeling drained, anxious, or even depressed. Seeking help from a therapist or counselor can make a big difference. They can offer you practical coping strategies, help you manage your emotions, and provide a space to talk through your experiences.

7. Help Your ADHD Spouse Find Support

When your partner receives the right treatment for their adult ADHD—whether it’s therapy, medication, or support groups—they gain tools and strategies to better manage their symptoms. This can lead to improvements in focus, organization, and emotional regulation, which in turn can lessen the strain on your relationship.

As a spouse, you can help your partner find a neurodiverse-affirming therapist who can help them feel seen and understood. You may also want to help them find a psychiatrist, so they can explore ADHD medication options.⁴

8. Focus on Self-Care

You may have lost track of your own well-being while supporting your ADHD partner. Whether it’s taking a walk, practicing yoga, reading, painting, or spending time with friends, these activities serve as a reminder that your well-being matters too. By dedicating time to activities that replenish your energy, you create space for self-care, which is essential for reducing ADHD spouse burnout and increasing your resilience.⁵

Self-Care Inventory Worksheet

Take an inventory of self-care activities you do well, explore new self-care activities and find potential opportunities to feel better.

Download Free Worksheet

9. Practice Stress Management

The unique demands of managing your partner’s symptoms, along with the day-to-day challenges, can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. To counter this, incorporating stress management strategies into your routine is essential. Regular exercise can combat the anxiety and tension that often accompany these challenges, providing both physical and mental relief. Similarly, mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing or guided meditation, can help you stay centered during difficult moments.

10. Celebrate Small Victories

By acknowledging and celebrating even the smallest achievements, you boost your partner’s mood and reinforce their progress in managing challenges like disorganization, forgetfulness, and impulsivity. When your partner feels supported and encouraged, they’re more likely to stay on track with tasks and responsibilities, which can reduce the strain on you and decrease your ADHD spouse burnout.

How to Find Professional Support

Navigating a marriage with an ADHD partner can be challenging, and seeking professional support can make a significant difference. You can start your search by using a local therapist directory to search for a therapist who is experienced in working with marriage difficulties, particularly those dealing with ADHD. There are also many different online therapy services that can connect with a qualified therapist from the comfort of your home, making it easier to fit into your schedule.

Remember that both you and your partner may benefit from seeking professional support. Couples therapy can be a powerful tool to improve communication, set healthy boundaries, and strengthen your relationship. Online marriage counseling services such as Regain specialize in online couples counseling, offering flexible and accessible support tailored to the needs of both partners.