9 Tips For Coping With ADHD Spouse Burnout

What Is ADHD Spouse Burnout?

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) spouse burnout is the chronic stress and exhaustion a non-ADHD individual may experience when coping with the challenges of having an ADHD partner. The duration of ADHD spouse burnout depends on several factors, such as the level of support they provide their partner, the consistency of their own self-care, and the support system they have outside of the relationship.¹

Many adults with ADHD may be unaware of their condition. When the non-ADHD spouse does not understand what causes their partner’s concentration, focus, and memory challenges, frustration can increase and interfere with the relationship.

How Can ADHD Symptoms Cause Spouse Burnout?

Many non-ADHD partners may experience burnout due to an unequal distribution of responsibilities in their relationship. Depending on whether the partner has inattentive ADHD, hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, or combined ADHD, ADHD symptoms can manifest as forgetfulness, time blindness, and other concentration issues. Marriage can be difficult, but some partners may feel entirely helpless when their spouse seemingly falls through on critical tasks and spousal commitments.

ADHD symptoms that may contribute to non-ADHD spouse burnout include:

• Difficulty focusing: An ADHD spouse may struggle to stay on task, often becoming side-tracked or distracted. The non-ADHD partner may need to redirect their partner, which can become exhausting.
• Forgetfulness: When a spouse with ADHD misses appointments, forgets about a task, or falls short on their responsibilities, the non-ADHD partner can feel overwhelmed by the need to take on these obligations in their place.
• Time blindness: An ADHD partner might experience time blindness, leaving the responsibility of handling priorities to the non-ADHD partner.
• Disorganization: Not everyone can cope with cluttered spaces and disorganization. Some people may feel completely overwhelmed by their ADHD spouse’s untidiness or inability to organize their schedules, tasks, and responsibilities.
• Inconsistent follow-through: A lack of follow-through may leave a non-ADHD partner feeling unimportant or invalidated in their marriage. They may also constantly make up excuses for their partner to others due to inconsistent commitments.
• Increased impulsivity: An ADHD partner may make impromptu choices, sometimes leaving the non-ADHD spouse responsible for the consequences of their risky behavior.
• Restlessness: A person with ADHD might be restless which can become exhaustive for the non-ADHD partner. They may constantly feel the need to “go, go, go” with their spouse, draining them of their energy.
• Need for constant stimulation: ADHD partners may become easily bored or disinterested in tasks and projects. The non-ADHD partner may take on these responsibilities or chores themself, contributing to burnout and stress.
• Time urgency: Sometimes, those with ADHD rush through tasks because they feel overwhelmed by a long to-do list. A rushed project can yield poor results, meaning the non-ADHD partner is left to pick up the pieces and complete the task accordingly.

Signs & Symptoms of ADHD Spouse Burnout

Non-ADHD partners dealing with ADHD spouse burnout can experience uncomfortable and upsetting symptoms. Continued stress, emotional exhaustion, and responsibilities can physically and mentally impact individuals. If left unaddressed, these symptoms can become debilitating and impair their ability to function.²

Mental exhaustion associated with non-ADHD spouse burnout can manifest as emotional exhaustion, irritability, and decreased empathy. Physical symptoms may include fatigue, sleep issues, a weakened immune system, and headaches.

Common signs of ADHD spouse burnout include:

• Emotional dysregulation
• Decreased interest in sexual intimacy
• Chronic fatigue
• Neglect of self-care
• Resentment in the marriage

How to Cope With ADHD Spouse Burnout

Coping with ADHD spouse burnout is crucial to prevent further stress and frustration in your marriage. Living with an ADHD spouse can feel challenging, but seeking professional support and working on communication can help you have a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. It is helpful to learn how to pre-emptively prevent emotional burnout. Once burnout occurs, stress management tools can help you support your partner without acting as a parent or caregiver.

Here are nine tips for dealing with ADHD spouse burnout:

1. Stop Parenting Your Spouse

Sometimes, being married to someone with ADHD leaves you feeling like a parent. You assume responsibilities, tasks, and cleaning up after their mistakes. Taking on this role can change your relationship from a romantic to a caretaker dynamic. Stop parenting your partner, but offer realistic advice to help them address their own problems.³

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries in a relationship provide guidelines for acceptable behavior, speech, and acts for both partners. Setting boundaries with your ADHD partner means defining limits and responsibilities within the relationship and around the shared home. There must be an understanding between one another, allowing for shared decision-making and a healthy balance.

3. Educate Yourself

Learning about ADHD and how it impacts your partner can reduce the frustration you may feel toward your spouse. Educating yourself can help you identify tools that best support you and your ADHD partner as a team. You can learn to engage with patience and understanding while still feeling heard and validated.

4. Find Professional Support For Yourself

Seeking professional help is important for the non-ADHD spouse. The challenges of ADHD spouse burnout can cause distress and lead to a range of consequences, including symptoms of depression, symptoms of anxiety, and strained relationships.

Both the non-ADHD and ADHD spouses can benefit from marriage counseling to work on their communication. Marriage counseling helps couples address dysfunctional relationship dynamics, build emotional resilience, and create a healthy foundation. Marriage counseling is available online, and in person – so communicate with your partner to explore which avenue is the best for both of you.

5. Help Your ADHD Spouse Find Support

As a spouse, you can help your partner find local adult ADHD treatments. Finding a neurodiverse-affirming therapist is crucial so your partner feels seen and understood. ADHD medications, when combined with therapy, can help reduce frustrating symptoms that cause stress in your relationship. Online psychiatrist options provide at-home guidance regarding prescriptions for ADHD.⁴

6. Focus on Self-Care

Adopting healthy self-care routines can help decrease symptoms of ADHD spouse burnout. You may have lost track of your own well-being while caring for your ADHD partner. Regular exercise, hobbies, and other positive activities can help you feel rejuvenated. By caring for yourself, you can better navigate challenges in your marriage to someone with ADHD.⁵

7. Practice Stress Management

Stress management may include regular exercise to decrease anxiety, mindfulness techniques, and meditation to promote relaxation. Emphasizing stress management helps combat strain from the demands you may face in your relationship, supporting well-being and healthy balance.

8. Celebrate Small Victories

Celebrating small victories can help boost your ADHD spouse’s mood and reinforce progress. Encourage their accomplishments in managing disorganization, forgetfulness, and impulsivity. This positive support can motivate your partner to complete tasks and responsibilities, helping to decrease your burnout.

9. Delegate Tasks

Delegate and assign tasks in your relationship. An equal balance of responsibilities allows you and your ADHD partner to feel supported by one another. Reducing the demand you place on yourself can also prevent future ADHD spouse burnout and promote positivity in your relationship.

How to Find Professional Support

Both in-person and online therapy options are available if you are ready to seek professional support for the challenges in your marriage to someone with ADHD. You can use an online therapist directory to locate a neurodiverse-affirming therapist or ask for recommendations from your doctor, family, or friends.

In My Experience

In my experience, finding support can help decrease ADHD spouse burnout. It is essential for a partner to find self-care outlets and openly communicate with their partner, allowing them to avoid becoming a caregiver rather than a partner.