Excessive alcohol use and relationship problems often go hand-in-hand. Alcohol has the potential to negatively affect or even ruin relationships. Whether it’s prioritizing drinks over spending time together or crossing lines while intoxicated, alcohol abuse can raise major red flags. While it is never your job to “fix” a partner, before you throw in the towel, understand how alcohol impacts relationships and how to work towards a healthier dynamic.
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Does Alcohol Ruin Relationships?
Having a few drinks together or as part of a social outing is a common way to unwind. If all party members are comfortable with this activity, it can be an enjoyable way to have fun. However, some people struggle to manage alcohol responsibly, leading to unintended effects on others around them and potentially ruining relationships.
Sometimes, this is due to self-medicating or the behaviors that happen when one is drunk. For example, someone may become impulsive, angry, paranoid, or depressed when drinking, leading to them saying or doing things that significantly affect themselves or the relationship.
No matter the reason behind the drinking, alcohol can have a major impact on interpersonal relationships, either platonic or romantic. Alcoholism can change someone’s personality- often in ways that confuse or shock them as well as others around them.
Recognizing When Alcohol is a Problem in Your Relationship
For some, it can be challenging to identify if their drinking or their partner’s drinking is causing problems in the relationship because alcohol is relatively normalized in many cultures and is largely a part of many social gatherings. Some things to look for are behaviors during the drinking that are problematic or cause discomfort, such as arguments or impulsive behavior. The way someone acts when they are drinking can often tell you if they are using alcohol in an unhealthy way.
How Does Alcohol Affect a Relationship?
There are many specific ways that alcohol affects relationships. From causing the person to forget important dates or meaningful responsibilities to reckless or dangerous behaviors to financial stressors, many things can cause a couple to suffer from one or more people’s alcohol use.
Ways that alcohol affects relationships include:
Neglecting Duties & Responsibilities
When someone is drinking, they may be more likely to overlook responsibilities that they have. This can be due to them forgetting, or even because they choose not to complete a task because they prefer to drink. When responsibilities in the relationship are ignored, this can feel disrespectful and can hurt the other partner.
Time Spent Recovering From Alcohol Abuse
The amount of time spent recovering from drinking can affect the relationship. If someone is in bed hungover, or unable to attend to family responsibilities due to being ill, this will negatively affect the relationship and can build resentment.
Furthermore, if the partner has to take care of a partner who is ill, this can take away from that person’s responsibilities and can lead to frustration at having to be a caretaker.
Legal Issues
An unfortunate part of unhealthy substance use can sometimes be the legal issues that come from reckless use. Sometimes this can happen from someone getting arrested for drunk driving or for public intoxication. When legal issues stem from substance use, this can add a stressor to the relationship.
Financial Problems
Financial problems are a common result of substance use. This is usually due to both the cost of purchasing large amounts of alcohol, but also due to other things such as spending impulsively when drinking.
Unfortunately, financial problems can also stem from legal issues that require spending money on lawyers or fines that resulted from the drinking behaviors. No matter the reason, financial problems put a large stress on the relationship.
Reckless Behaviors
Because alcohol can lower someone’s inhibitions, it can lead someone to act impulsively or even dangerously. This can put the partner in danger if the couple is together at this time, or can cause undue stress on the partner to watch their loved one behave in dangerous ways.
Infidelity
When someone is drinking, they may be more likely to engage in behaviors that they otherwise would think twice about. Because of this, someone who is drunk may partake in sexual infidelity, affecting the integrity of the relationship and disrespecting and hurting their partner.
Domestic Violence
There is a link between alcohol misuse and domestic violence, especially when the perpetrator is a heavy drinker or binge drinker.1, 2 This is not to say that domestic violence is an excuse when someone is drinking, only that it is a known factor in the severity of the domestic violence case.
Marital Conflict
When one partner is struggling with substance misuse, this undoubtedly puts a strain on the marriage or relationship. Many people are able to work together and make it through, but this often involves the person who misuses alcohol having to go to treatment or otherwise work on their substance misuse. If they do not choose to do this, it can put a major strain on the relationship.
Chronic Stress
Having a substance use disorder puts a lot of stress on the relationship with one’s partner. This is because of the ways that alcohol can influence the person physically and emotionally, as well as the other factors such as financial or legal stressors.
Impact on Family
When one or more people in a family unit have a substance use disorder, this impacts the whole family. The children who are vulnerable in the family often have impacts that last long into adulthood, especially if the alcohol use disorder is not addressed or treated.
Some of the impacts of alcoholism on families include the trauma of witnessing someone who is under the influence and how they behave; having to explain embarrassing behaviors to others outside the family, and worrying about the health of the person who is using.
Impact on Growing Children
Children who grow up with substance misuse in their family of origin have a greater chance of engaging in substance use themselves in adulthood.3 Along with this risk, people who grow up in families with unhealthy alcohol use can develop traits of codependency, along with other traumatic responses that come with being adult children of alcoholics.
Jealousy
Jealousy can be a pervasive problem for people who use alcohol, even if they would never consider themselves jealous when sober! Because alcohol can make people more impulsive, they may be more likely to make accusations or proclaim jealousy when drinking.
A 2019 study on the impacts of alcohol in relationships found that men who overused alcohol were more jealous and distrusting of their partners, showing that there is a link between jealousy and drinking for many who misuse alcohol.4
Divorce
When one partner refuses or is unable to get help with substance misuse, this can cause irreparable harm to the relationship. Many people feel guilty initiating a divorce due to a partner’s substance use, because they feel that they should stay and help them get sober.
It is important to remember that you can be supportive and understanding, while still protecting yourself and sticking to your boundaries. This means that it is okay to leave a relationship that is unhealthy or unsafe.
Help for Alcohol Use
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Why Alcohol Abuse Can Be a Problem in Relationships
Alcohol can become a problem in relationships if not used responsibly. Personality changes, impaired social and interpersonal relations, and impacts on health and behavior are all major ways that alcohol can negatively impact relationships.
Factors that can make alcohol a problem in relationship include:
Alcohol is Socially Acceptable
Alcohol is a more socially acceptable substance than most others, due to being both legally allowed for most adults and readily available in a wide range of places. Because alcohol is socially acceptable it can cause issues due to being more difficult to acknowledge. Street drugs, for example, are much less socially acceptable and therefore it can be less easy to defend their use.
Alcohol Changes Your Personality
Alcohol use can change a person’s personality by increasing aggression and arguing, decreasing judgment, and lowering inhibitions. This can lead to more conflict within relationships or among the couple’s family or social supports.
Alcohol Changes Social Interactions
If someone is using alcohol in an unhealthy way, this can affect their social interactions. Family and friends may be uncomfortable if the person is acting drunk and inappropriate, especially if there is conflict or inappropriate behaviors taking place.
Alcohol Addiction Can Cause a Spiral
Alcohol can cause spirals in mental health by negatively affecting any mental health symptoms that a person struggles with, such as anxiety. There is also a known link between alcohol and depression. Alcohol use can also contribute to other substance use, due to self-medicating with these mental health symptoms, or due to the impulsive behaviors that come from poor judgment when someone is drinking.
Alcohol Can Cause Distance in Relationships
Alcohol use can have an impact on intimacy and trust in relationships.4 This can lead to emotional and even physical distance in relationships. When the brain is under the influence of alcohol, someone may not know how to handle conflict in an unhealthy way. “Alcohol interferes with the brain’s communication pathways and can affect the way the brain looks and works.”5
Alcohol Can Spur More Arguments
Using alcohol can cause increased moments of anger and arguments due to the way that alcohol may affect one’s brain. “Alcohol makes it harder for the brain areas controlling balance, memory, speech, and judgment to do their jobs, resulting in a higher likelihood of injuries and other negative outcomes.”5 Being in a relationship with someone who is acting this way can be frustrating, leading to arguments.
Alcohol Abuse Can Spur Other Secretive Behaviors
If someone is ashamed of their alcohol use, they may be more likely to hide their alcohol use, leading to secretive behaviors. Furthermore, it can be common for someone to be secretive about the behaviors they engage in while they are drinking, especially if those behaviors are inappropriate.
Abusing Alcohol Reduces Your Availability
When someone is dependent on alcohol, they will become increasingly unavailable as alcohol takes more of a priority. They may decline social invitations if alcohol is not present, or they may be unable to attend events due to spending time drinking.
Alternatives to Alcohol
For those who are interested in reducing or even stopping their alcohol intake, there are alternatives to alcoholic beverages. Options range from sweet, such as a mocktail or sparkling cider, to milder or even bitter flavors depending on the taste someone is looking for.
Alternatives to alcohol include:
- Mocktails
- Tea
- Sparkling Cider
- Other sweet drinks
- Non-alcoholic beer or wine
- Drinks with reduced amounts of alcohol
- Hot apple cider
Treatment Options for Individuals & Couples
There are many treatment options for those who are looking to increase awareness of their alcohol use, or even decrease use or stop altogether. Individual therapy, couples therapy, or treatment programs are all available options.
Individual Therapy
For someone who is looking to work on their alcohol use through individual therapy, CBT for substance use might help. Look for a therapist who specializes in substance use. This form of therapy is best for someone who can safely decrease their use in an outpatient setting without needing rehabilitation.
Couples Counseling & Support Groups
If the partner who is using alcohol is willing to do the work of decreasing their use and improving the relationship, couples counseling might help. However, this form of therapy is only beneficial if they can take accountability for their alcohol use and how it affects the partnership.
Alcohol Treatment Programs
For those who have become dependent on alcohol, it might be best to seek support through an alcohol treatment program where they can safely detox with medical assistance. Even if you do not need support decreasing your use or detoxing, alcohol treatment programs may be a great option for those who feel out of control with their drinking.
Ria Health: Effective, Evidence-Based Alcohol Treatment 100% Online
Quickly change your relationship to alcohol with our at-home program. On average, Ria Health members reduce their BAC levels by 50% in 3 months in the program. Services are covered by many major health plans. Visit Ria Health
When to Seek Professional Help
If you or a loved one is dealing with a substance use problem, seeking support can help. An online therapist directory or online therapy platform is a good choice for finding a therapist who specializes in alcohol use.
For those seeking medication management, online psychiatrist options are a good choice for finding alcohol use medication management.
In My Experience
“In my experience, alcohol/substance use has the ability to negatively affect a relationship when the person who uses alcohol is unable or unwilling to acknowledge their use. Without acknowledging how their use affects the relationship, they are much less likely to seek help. In these instances, the partner may become negatively affected if they are unable to get their own mental health support.”
Can Alcohol Ruin Relationships? Infographics
ChoosingTherapy.com strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.
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David Gadd, Juliet Henderson, Polly Radcliffe, Danielle Stephens-Lewis, Amy Johnson, Gail Gilchrist. (2019)The Dynamics of Domestic Abuse and Drug and Alcohol Dependency, The British Journal of Criminology, Volume 59, Issue 5, September 2019, Pages 1035–1053
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Mayshak, R., Curtis, A., Coomber, K., Tonner, L., Walker, A., Hyder, S., Liknaitzky, P., & Miller, P. (2022). Alcohol-Involved Family and Domestic Violence Reported to Police in Australia. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(3-4), NP1658-NP1685. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520928633
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Windle M, Windle RC. (2018). Parental Divorce and Family History of Alcohol Disorder: Associations with Young Adults’ Alcohol Problems, Marijuana Use, and Interpersonal Relations. Alcohol Clin Exp Res. 42(6):1084-1095.
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Woolf-King SE, Conroy AA, Fritz K, Johnson MO, Hosegood V, van Rooyen H, Darbes L, McGrath N.(2019). Alcohol use and relationship quality among South African couples. Subst Use Misuse. 54(4):651-660.
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Alcohol and the Brain: An Overview. National Institute on Alcohol abuse and Alcoholism. Retrieved from: https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/alcohol-and-brain-overview.
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Alcohol Treatment – Cut Back or Quit Entirely
Ria Health – Quickly change your relationship to alcohol with our at-home program. On average, members reduce their BAC levels by 50% in 3 months in the program. Services are covered by many major health plans. Visit Ria Health
Drinking Moderation
Sunnyside – Want to drink less? Sunnyside helps you ease into mindful drinking at your own pace. Think lifestyle change, not a fad diet. Develop new daily routines, so you maintain your new habits for life. Take a 3 Minute Quiz
Treatment for Mental Health Conditions That Coexist With SUD
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