Common Traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA)

15 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) refers to the shared experiences of individuals raised by caregivers who struggled with alcoholism.* Children raised in these environments often develop coping skills to survive, ultimately incorporating these mechanisms into their personalities. However, these safety mechanisms may translate into relationship issues and mental health concerns in adulthood.

Tony A. discusses how mutual experiences of ACoCs contribute to certain adult traits and characteristics in The Laundry List.² Janet Woititz later broke ground in the 1980s when she published Children of Alcoholics, a list of shared experiences in this community with tips for recovery based on years of working with Adult Children of Alcoholics.⁴

*The term “alcoholism” has evolved to “alcohol use disorder,” referring to any drinking that causes distress and harm.

Here are fifteen traits of adult children of alcoholics:

1. Interpersonal Relationships Issues

Children of alcoholic parents often grow up in an environment plagued by interpersonal chaos, and their caregivers may have set poor examples of romantic relationships. Parents who fail to demonstrate positive relational dynamics cannot provide children with healthy models to adopt in adulthood.⁴ Individuals from alcoholic, chaotic, or traumatic family environments may develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles due to inconsistent parenting during their developmental and formative years.

2. Codependency

To survive in their dysfunctional environment, children of alcoholics frequently develop ways to “guess” the feelings and behaviors of the parent who misuses alcohol. Guesswork helps them protect themselves and avoid any potential crisis or traumatic event. However, this behavior translates into a strong sense of codependency in adulthood, creating trust issues, people-pleasing behaviors (the “savior complex”), and struggles with forming secure attachments.

3. Impulsive or Dangerous Behaviors

Adult children of alcoholics characteristics may include impulsivity.⁵ Impulsive behavior may be minor, such as making an impromptu purchase, but also illegal or dangerous, such as quitting a job suddenly. Individuals who struggle with impulsivity may also experience feelings of self-loathing and depression due to the shame and embarrassment of engaging in these behaviors.

4. Anxiety & Hypervigilance

In childhood, being alert helps children maintain the awareness necessary to navigate their traumatic environment. As adults, this hypervigilance leads to stress and anxiety. Many adult children of alcoholics struggle to relax, think realistically, or manage their anxieties, which can manifest as panic attacks, phobias, or paranoia.

5. Fears of Abandonment

The insecurity that comes from growing up with an unreliable and inconsistent caregiver(s) often leads to abandonment issues. Children of alcoholics frequently experience fears of abandonment or concerns about lack of support, affecting their lives in various ways. These suspicions can cause stress in romantic, professional, and platonic relationships.

6. Conflict Avoidance/Fears of Conflict

Another common adult children of alcoholics characteristic is conflict avoidance. Families with a history of alcohol abuse often have unwritten rules to ‘never provoke’ or do anything to create conflict with the alcoholic. Children grow up understanding they should never make the alcoholic caregiver upset to avoid problems and chaos.⁴ This behavior often stays with someone into adulthood, leading them to avoid perceived threats of interpersonal conflict.

7. Constantly Seeking Approval

ACoCs may struggle with constant needs for approval. As children, they relied on caregiver sobriety and approval. They may have become dependent on this approval, so receiving validation feels essential to maintaining stability in adulthood.⁴

8. Struggles With Authority Figures

Adult children of alcoholics traits may include issues with authority. Alcoholic caregivers may abuse their authority, allowing them to domineer, abuse, or control their children. Their behavior may instill a mistrust of authority figures in their children.

9. Poor Communication

Being raised by caregivers with alcohol use disorders may lead to poor relational communication. Parents who misuse alcohol often model poor communication behavior to children, making creating and maintaining future relationships in adulthood challenging.

10. Struggles With Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is challenging for people raised by alcoholic parents, partly due to the need to deny their emotions.⁴ These individuals never learned how to manage and cope with strong feelings, contributing to struggles with emotional regulation in adulthood.

11. Poor Self-Esteem or Constantly Feeling “Different”

The abuse and trauma experienced in alcoholic environments lead to poor development of self-esteem, insecurity, and rejection sensitivity. Additionally, feeling “different” is very common among children of alcoholics. ACoCs often feel they do not fit in with others due to their dysfunctional childhood experiences.

12. Isolation

Adult children of alcoholics may isolate themselves from others for several reasons, including fears associated with being vulnerable, longstanding trust issues due to unreliable caregivers, and early experiences of needing to be self-reliant or independent. These traits can make it hard to connect and attach to others, even if there’s a desire for connection.

13. Overreaction to Change

Addiction-based environments often feel chaotic and unpredictable. Children may learn how to become comfortable with this chaos, but it can often coincide with an intense need for control. As adults, they may struggle with themes of rigidity and a constant desire for predictability.

14. Judgmental Behavior

Children of alcoholics may be judgmental toward those struggling with addiction, those who don’t understand addiction, and their own selves (especially if their caregivers were judgmental toward them). They may also internalize themes of perfectionism and hyper-independence, and these can reinforce judgmental behavior.

15. Frequent Lying

Many adult children of alcoholics are used to entrenched patterns of deceit within their families. They may have had to lie for their parents from a young age. They might also carry deep shame, perpetuating themes of not knowing how to be truly honest with themselves or others.

How to Support Adult Children of Alcoholics

You can support a loved one struggling with the effects of parental alcohol misuse in various ways. Adult children of alcoholics raised in these environments have experienced many traumas that make life difficult. They may have certain personality traits that impact their interpersonal relationships, but understanding how to provide support can make a difference in their lives.

Here are some ways that you can support an ACoA:

• Be willing to listen: Many ACoAs had their experiences ignored, invalidated, and brushed aside by their parents. Listening to their emotions shows that you are supportive and they are safe with you.
• Validate their experiences: Children of alcoholics may have been gaslighted by their parents into believing their childhoods were ‘not that bad.’ Simply validating their experiences can be comforting.
• Have patience: Be willing and able to show support, but let your loved one come to you on their own terms. Do not try to push them.
• Reassure them of their value to you: This can be especially helpful if a loved one is your partner or close friend, as they may not be seen as “valuable” in their family unit.
• Keep proper boundaries: ‘Fixing’ or healing your loved one is not your responsibility. You can and should show support, but do not take on their issues. Be sure to take care of your own needs.

When to Seek Professional Support

Adults of alcoholic parents may benefit from therapy. Therapists assist clients in their healing journey by teaching them to change negative behaviors. Growing up with alcoholic parents can be incredibly traumatic, but numerous resources are available to help you overcome the residual trauma. Finding the right therapist can be done using an online therapist directory or online search. You can narrow your search for providers based on their experience with ACoAs. You can also use an online therapy platform to receive therapy services virtually.

Treatment options for adult children of alcoholics may include:

• Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT): TF-CBT is a therapeutic process that uses CBT to address difficulties stemming from traumatic life events.
• Attachment-based therapy: Attachment-based therapy focuses on exploring feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that clients have learned to suppress due to childhood trauma. This treatment addresses and explores early attachment experiences, which can be especially beneficial for ACoAs.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR for PTSD is a therapy designed to alleviate the symptoms of past traumas. This method is great for clients with PTSD due to childhood trauma.
• Family systems therapy: This method works best for people whose families are supportive and willing to engage in treatment. Family systems therapy reviews the entire family and explores how actions and traumas affect the unit. Adult children have opportunities to express their feelings and trauma with family members in a safe, supportive environment.
• Group therapy: In group therapy, people with shared experiences come together to discuss their challenges. These settings may offer ACoAs a chance to develop a sense of community, work through traumas, and learn new coping skills.
• Somatic therapy: Somatic therapy explores how past traumas are stored and experienced in the body.