Amatonormativity: What Is It & Is It Harmful?

What Is Amatonormativity?

In 2011, Elizabeth Brake first coined the term amatonormativity, to describe the overarching, culturally embedded belief that romantic relationships are essential to well-being.¹ The expectation that everyone desires and will engage in amorous and romantic relationships reflects a stereotypical perspective. By deeming only those who seek out these types of relationships to be normal, amatonormativity thus relegates those who do not desire romantic relationships to be “abnormal”, such as aromantic or asexual people.

Some examples of amatonormativity include:

• Assuming everyone should and wants to get married
• Assuming unmarried or unpartnered people are lonely and unhappy
• Asking people “do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?”
• Societal structure around married couples (taxes, housing, etc.)
• Treating a romantic relationship as more important than a friendship
• Asking couples “when do you plan to get married?”
• Asking young children, pre-school, and elementary age, about who they would like to “grow up and marry”
• Assuming and accepting that friends will prioritize time with their romantic partners over time with you
• Assuming that all single people want to be “set up” with potential partners

Amatonormativity Vs. Other Types of Normativity

As a culture, we have grown increasingly aware of the multiple aspects and types of identity that people possess. While variability in identity is growing increasingly diverse, the cultural beliefs about what makes an identity “normal” are being increasingly revealed. There are many different “normal” or stereotypically expected components of identity that address relational and sexual norms.

Here’s how amatonormativity is connected to other forms of normativity:

Amatonormativity Vs. Heteronormativity

Heteronormativity refers to the assumption that all people are heterosexual and does not allow for individuals who hold diverse sexual orientations, including lesbian, gay, bisexual, or asexual, which describes people who experience no sexual attraction to others. Like amatonormativity, heteronormativity operationally defines what is considered normal, however heteronormativity refers to sexual attraction and amatonormativity describes romantic attraction.

Amatonormativity Vs. Allonormativity

Allonormativity describes the stereotype that all people experience some form of sexual attraction. Allonormative makes space for heterosexual attraction as well as alternative attractions including lesbian, gay, and bisexual. However, an allonormative view ignores the existence of asexual individuals.² Allonormativity is often assumed alongside amatonormativity due to the cultural construct that joins romantic love and sexual attraction into a conflated expectation.

Amatonormativity Vs. Cisnormativity

Cisnormative expectations refer to the construct of being cisgender, which is holding an identity that matches the sex a person was assigned at birth.³ Cisnormative beliefs do not make space for individuals whose identities reflect aspects of transgenderism. Individuals who endorse cisnormativity also tend to endorse amatonormativity – “normal” people identify as the sex assigned at birth and grow up seeking and prioritizing romantic relationships.

Amatonormativity Vs. Mononormativity

People who believe that individuals should have only a single, monogamous romantic partner at any given time support mononormativity.⁴ Both mononormativity and amatonormativity address expectations regarding the pursuit of romantic relationships, however, mononormativity is based on the assumption that all people are interested in romantic relationships. Mononormativity is at the opposite end of the spectrum from polyamory, which describes being romantically involved with multiple people simultaneously.

Amatonormativity Vs. Sexual Normativity

Sexual normativity refers to the assumption that all people experience sexual desire and seek opportunities to act on that desire.⁵ This concept is highly related to amatonormativity as they both create a culture in which the lack of interest in romantic or sexual relationships is seen as abnormal⁶ The absence of desire for sexual involvement or romance are not abnormal, just individual differences.

Problems With Amatonormativity

Human beings are uniquely diverse from one another, yet when individual variations related to gender and sex are noted, cultural norms can be especially stringent. Discrimination and prejudices arise when one group feels threatened by another and desires to keep privileges for themselves. Amatonormativity can leave individuals who simply experience no desire for romantic relationships feeling less than, inadequate, or damaged.

Potential problems with amatonormativity beliefs include:

• People who don’t share amatonormativity beliefs feel broken: Cultural expectations surrounding the high value of romantic relationships create an environment in which the absence of romantic desire is viewed as broken or something that needs fixing. The emphasis on a life goal of finding a romantic partner who can fulfill your needs leaves aromantic individuals feeling as if they are not “whole” due to their lack of romantic desire.
• People feel pressured to date or have sex: In a culture that encourages even toddlers and preschoolers to celebrate Valentine’s Day or name their “girl/boyfriends,” there is lifelong pressure to “couple up” to get in line with norms. Over time, aromantic individuals may be pressured to go on dates, engage in sexual activities, and even marry in order to meet family or friends’ expectations.
• Discourages compatibility: With such a heavy focus on the importance of finding a lifelong partner, people may choose someone with whom they are not especially compatible simply in an effort to meet cultural expectations.
• Discourages communication: Talking about one’s needs or level of interest in romantic relationships can be seen as traitorous to cultural expectations and individuals may accept less than fulfilling relationships simply to avoid being judged.
• May support a culture of intimate partner abuse: By glamorizing romantic love and committed relationships, people who are experiencing abuse within a relationship may stay in the relationship longer than is healthy. They may feel that they need to “keep trying” to make the relationship work.
• Creates an environment which devalues people who are single by choice: Fewer people are getting married than in prior decades,⁷ and this reflects a growing number of people who are single by choice. When the cultural norm is to find a partner, single people feel that they must justify their decision to those who cannot accept their choice to stay single.
• Creates an “us vs. them” moral dichotomy: People are expected to find a romantic partner who can fulfill them in every way, but this denigrates the choices of individuals who choose to engage in sexual relationships, which hold no deeper connection than the physical relationship.
• Encourages a relationship hierarchy that places romantic love above other relationships: In life, friendships and close family ties may be the most important relationships that a person might form. Romantic relationships do not always provide the “happily ever after” that is promised in cultural amatonormative messages. If friendships and other relationships are sacrificed in pursuit of romantic love, if the romantic relationship ends, a person may have few people left to ask for support when it’s needed.

Who Is Affected by Amatonormativity?

Although not everyone realizes it, amatonormativity affects everyone within the culture that embraces it. The cultural messages that are shared through fairy tales, romance novels, “chick flicks,” and other media shape people’s beliefs and expectations about how they are expected to live their lives. No one is unaffected by the assumption that romantic love should be the primary relational goal of adults.

Unfortunately, while giving Valentine’s cards to a classroom of friends may seem “cute” when children are young, this activity is just one example of how diverse individuals are being “othered” through seemingly innocuous activities. Individuals who identify along the asexual spectrum, aromantic spectrum, or who are neurodiverse may feel especially out-of-step with others. Finding a partner who understands their diverse identities may feel like an impossible goal in a culture that assumes everyone is seeking the same type of relationship.

Amatonormativity & Young People

Many people are made aware of the cultural messages regarding amatonormativity that  are being sent to even very children. Aside from the sexualization of young females, there is also a “romanticization” that takes place when young children are asked questions about whether or not they have a boy/girlfriend in their classes. Children should be encouraged to build friendships early on rather than encouraged to begin to think about finding a romantic partner.

As children grow into adolescents and young adults, the cultural focus remains on finding a romantic partner who may also become a sexual partner. The need to have a girl/boyfriend in adolescence can be strong and may encourage young people to submit to activities that they do not know how to deny, such as being pressured sexually or being a victim of abuse.

Amatonormativity & People Who Experienced Trauma

Individuals who have been traumatized by individuals with whom they had relationships, such as family members or partners, may be hesitant to enter into another relationship that might be risky. Alternatively, victims of trauma may be so eager to feel protected that they rush into an amorous relationship believing that “true love” offers protection. These are two opposing ways that trauma affects the desire for romantic love.

When a person who has experienced trauma does not follow the “script” and seeks out a romantic partner due to prior traumas, amatonormative culture views them as “broken” or “damaged.” Yet individuals who experienced trauma and are desperate for a partner to protect them may be fitting into an amatonormative paradigm, but risking their own well-being if they rush into a romantic relationship with the wrong person.

Amatonormativity & Neurodiverse People

Neurodiverse is a term used to describe individuals who differ from the mainstream norms related to cognitive, affective, and sensory functioning.⁸ Neurodiverse individuals process the world, including social interactions, in unique ways and this can lead to mismatches between what a neurodiverse person may be experiencing and what they are communicating or what the other person is experiencing or communicating.

Individuals who identify as neurodiverse may not experience relationships in the same way that neurotypical people might and this can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings. Neurodiverse individuals may also have little interest in romantic love, nor might they actually experience feelings of romantic attraction. Due to the different ways in which they process information, amatonormativity creates a landscape that devalues their differences.

Amatonormativity & People Who Are Aromantic or Asexual

In a culture that places romantic love at the top of the relationship hierarchy, individuals who identify as aromantic are made to feel not only invisible, but also that they are somehow guilty or damaged for not desiring a romantic relationship. When “coupling up” is the expectation, the very existence of an aromantic identity is called into question by society.

Individuals who identify as asexual do not feel sexual attraction to others. However, they may indeed feel romantic attraction – these two forms of attraction are not the same. Asexual identified individuals may experience difficulties in being understood by potential partners who were brought up in a culture that equates romantic fulfillment with sexual gratification.  

How to Get Rid of Amatonormativity

When that cultural belief contributes to a system that could support intimate partner violence, encourage people to enter into a marriage just to please others, or creates a hierarchy of relationships that places romantic love above other types, finding ways to combat its influence are needed. While it cannot be eradicated overnight, there are steps people can take to begin to chip away at it.

Things we can do to get rid of amatonormativity include:

• Acknowledge not everyone experiences sexual attraction
• Acknowledge not everyone experiences romantic attraction
• Acknowledge not everyone desires a long-term, monogamous romantic relationship
• Help educate others
• If you hear someone teasing children or asking them about who their “girl/boyfriend” is, ask them to stop
• When you hear people talking about “finding your true love,” remind them that not everyone is focused on finding a romantic partner
• Advocate for the needs of aromantic or otherwise unpartnered individuals who may be left out of events/invitations lists due to their unpartnered status
• Be an advocate through social media – share posts that address the damage that amatonormative expectations create
• When you hear people asking for “a pass” for ditching friends in favor of a date, remind them that friendships are no less valuable than other relationships

When You Might Consider Therapy

Social norms regarding sexuality and romantic relationships can be overwhelming in some settings. If you identify as aromantic and are experiencing distress due to social pressure on you to find a romantic partner, consider finding a therapist if your distress is disrupting daily living. This is also encouraged for those who are aromantic, asexual, or hold any non-normative romantic or sexual identity or simply don’t wish to have a traditional romantic relationship and are struggling with pushback from others. Many people appreciate the flexibility of online therapy and you can start your search with an online therapist directory.

In My Experience

In my experience, the pressure to find love and romance as a prerequisite to finding personal happiness is highly damaging to many people. Not only are individuals who are diverse in their romantic or sexual identity especially targeted, so may be the heterosexual, cisgender individuals who simply do not prioritize romantic love at some point in their lives. The belief that everyone can find their “one true love” is false and it can create self-doubt about a person’s worthiness as well as encourage individuals to commit to abusive relationships just to meet others’ expectations. True satisfaction comes when a person feels “complete in themselves” and has a strong social support network to lean on when times get tough.