Questioning Your Sexuality: What to Know & Do

What Is Sexuality?

Sexuality is a phrase we use to discuss understanding our bodies and relationships. This terminology includes all aspects of who we are – our values and beliefs, bodies, sex, desires, relationships, gender, behaviors, fantasies, thoughts, and feelings.¹ Identities like gay, lesbian, and sapiosexual all refer to personal sexual orientations. Despite some commonly accepted language, it is essential to note that these identities are individual, and people may define them differently. You can identify yourself with the language of your choice.

Sexuality Vs. Gender Identity

Are sex and gender the same thing? While the terms “sex” and “gender” are often used interchangeably, a person’s sex and a person’s gender are two entirely different aspects of their identity. Someone’s sex refers to their biological characteristics, such as the reproductive organs they are born with. Alternatively, gender encapsulates social, behavioral, and cultural factors of someone’s identity. Some frequently used gender descriptions include: gender fluid, transgender, or non-binary.

Sexuality comprises many different components, most unique to each of us. The most important thing to understand about sexuality is that it is self-defined. Sexuality is dynamic and always changing. Exploring our sexuality, rooted within the principles of consent and sexual rights, is a key determinant of our health and wellness.² Here is another place to choose the language that works for you.

Types of Sexuality and Sexual Orientation

There are many ways to experience your sexuality. You may identify yourself in relation to the people you are or aren’t sexually attracted to, sexually or emotionally. Some of these identifications include gay, lesbian, asexual, or pansexual. Alternatively, you might identify yourself by the behaviors or relationships encompassing your sexuality, including aspects like polyamory or a particular kink.

What Does It Mean if I’m Questioning My Sexuality?

Questioning your sexuality can occur at any age. Many of us believe that sexuality exists on a spectrum that can be fixed or fluid. Normalize this questioning behavior for yourself. As we mature and have more life experiences, personal beliefs and values about the world and our place in the world take shape and change. There is nothing wrong with questioning your sexuality. Some people permanently identify as questioning people. You may feel frightened about what your sexual identity means for your future, or you might feel excited about the possibilities. There’s a good chance you’re experiencing a combination of these emotions. That is normal and understandable during this exploration.

If you are questioning your sexuality, it may mean:

• You met someone new. Perhaps you met someone in person, online, or in the media who used a term to describe their sexuality that resonated with you.
• You became attracted to someone new. This attraction might lead you to question your sexuality if you become attracted to someone different than the “usual” type of person you have been attracted to.
• You’ve engaged in self-reflecting or introspection by yourself or with a therapist. Looking closely at your life, relationships, and choices, could result in emotional changes or mental shifts that make you question your sexuality.
• Your beliefs and values have matured. Your sexuality, like other personal perceptions, beliefs, and values, has matured and changed as you get older and have new life experiences.
• You are human! As humans, we are always evolving in various ways, including sexuality.

Let’s normalize questioning your sexuality. It can happen to anyone at any time. Unfortunately, the media and others can make it feel like uncertainty about your sexual identity is a problem. Luckily for you, there’s no right or wrong way to think while going through this process.

Questioning sexuality does not mean:

• That you have to redefine your sexuality or sexual preferences
• That you have to “come out” or make a public announcement. If you speak to others and ask how you identify, feel free to say you’re unsure. You don’t need to make it work for anyone else.³
• That there is something wrong with you
• That you need to break up with your partner
• That you’ve been lying about who you are
• That you have to explore this on your own
• That you have a certain amount of time to “figure it out”

Emotional Exercises to Help Discover Your Sexuality

Exploring your sexuality is a personal journey; each person will experience it differently. However, remember that you are not alone. Many people will question their sexuality or gender once in their lifetime; others will explore this more frequently.  Think about the identifying labels you want to use, the people you are or aren’t attracted to, and the sexual behaviors you like or don’t like. Talk to your friends or family if it’s safe. Find some in-person opportunities to ask these questions.  You can look for and complete some emotional exercises to help understand attraction and identity at a deeper level.

It can be overwhelming when you have questions about your sexuality whirring through your head. One place you can look for guidance is the internet. The virtual world has a lot of resources to guide you through this process. You might seek out and join a safe online group or community to talk with others in the LGBTQ+ community. One place you can look is the Trevor Project, but many others, including PFLAG, can support you and your friends or family.

Questions to ask yourself to explore your sexuality:

• Forget about what’s “right” or “wrong.” Does who you are attracted to change?
• How do you feel when you identify as straight (also referred to as heterosexual)?
• How do you feel when identifying as bisexual, lesbian, gay, or pansexual?
• Do you feel envious or hopeful when you see same-gender couples?
• Imagine your perfect partner. Do they identify with a specific gender or sexual identity? If so, are they different from the people you’ve had relationships with previously?
• Do you feel like it’s safe (emotionally or physically) to make a change?
• Do you have some biases toward people you know who identify their sexuality as different from yours?

8 Things to Try if You’re Questioning Your Sexuality

You must remember that questioning your sexuality is a healthy activity. Talking to other safe individuals can make it easier to work through. Reading books or other people’s stories might help guide you. However, it’s ok to question your sexuality even after trying a group, interaction, or experience. You can also join a support group or use a dating app that allows the option of choosing “questioning” as an identity to meet others in the same situation. Don’t forget about basic safety rules and tread carefully.

If you are questioning your sexuality, it may help to:

1. 1. Explore websites like PFLAG or The Trevor Project to establish your community. These two sites will have experiences of other individuals that might make you feel more confident.⁴
   2. Talk to other (safe) people in the LGBTQ+ community, either in person or via the internet. This activity might help you feel less alone.
   3. Be honest with yourself. You don’t have to satisfy anyone else.
   4. Explore your sexuality with safe social events or a dating site. You might meet someone fantastic who shares your sexual behaviors.
   5. Do not feel pressured to take on a label or identify yourself in any specific way. The words you use for yourself are yours to select.⁵
   6. Explore your sexuality at your own pace. Take your time and keep in mind that your sexuality is yours alone.
   7. Think about the sexual behaviors that you do and don’t enjoy. Find a community, dating app, or social event with others who share your preferences.
   8. Talk with a trusted individual or a mental health professional if you need assistance finding a community or coming out to your friends and family.

History of Sexuality: An Overview for the Questioning Person

In a nutshell, sexuality is the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors towards others and ourselves. However, that nutshell is complex and also unique. Many researchers and therapists have tried to unearth the secrets of sexuality. Perhaps the best known is the Kinsey Scale, first published in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.(1948)

“The Kinsey team interviewed thousands of people about their sexual histories. Research showed that sexual behavior, thoughts, and feelings towards the same or opposite sex were not always consistent across time.”⁶

While the Kinsey research is essential, it is not the only perspective on evolving sexuality. Specifically, the Kinsey Scale does not address all possible sexual identities or experiences. For example, more recently, the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and the Storms Scale have stepped in to enlighten us about sexuality further. The Trevor Project is one of the organizations researching the ever-evolving world of sexuality and gender. As language and culture shift, we will continue to see that the list of sexualities is constantly growing and changing. Many studies and researchers have supported that people often have sexual orientation ranges rather than fixed orientations.^{7, 8, 9}

Final Thoughts

Where do you go from here? With any luck, you feel more comfortable about the ever-changing nature of sexuality. Whether it’s for you or for someone you know, we encourage seeking out an affirming trusted friend or loved one, searching for the best LGBTQ+ online therapy options, or by finding and choosing an LGBTQIA+ therapist.