Dealing With Anger at Parents in Adulthood

How Does Harboring Anger Toward a Parent Affect Mental Health?

A life of emotional imbalance and disharmony with oneself are the outcomes of holding onto anger toward a parent. In the context of child development and parental relationships, not having a proper view of self can lead to unrealistic expectations in interpersonal relationships and other aspects of life.

Underlying memories and attitudes that aren’t dealt with often trigger anger and resentment in adulthood, reinforcing strained relationships with parents. In the face of crisis or trauma-related incidents, people can become less resilient if there is a lack of proper sense of self, leading to confusion and further resentment in parent-child relationships.

People living with anger are less resilient in the face of life stressors and daily living. For adult children living with anger, clear indications of these deep-seated sentiments are repeated failed relationships, fear of taking healthy risks for development and growth, and poor parent-child engagement with their own children.

What Causes Anger at Parents in Adulthood?

There are several circumstances that could lead to anger at your parents as an adult, including being neglected or abandoned; estrangement from parents; experiencing a loss; or boundary issues, such as too many rules, or too few.

Neglect & Abandonment

Neglect is associated with decreased well-being from childhood to adulthood, often resulting in feelings of unimportance or disregard. Operating from this place tends to lead to “people pleasing” or overachieving. When the adult child’s objectives are not met in these contexts, this triggers anger, resentment, inner conflict, and disharmony. Research indicates that women having difficulty with their spouse or partner can be linked to unresolved issues with their father, stemming from abandonment or neglect.¹ 

Loss

Loss varies for each person, much like the experience of grief itself. Adult children who experienced the loss of friendships in their early years due to family disruption or loss of relatives tend to have anger and resentment towards their parents if the loss is not properly addressed—particularly in families with many siblings. For example, experiencing losses in employment, intimate relationships, or friendships from moving a lot while growing up triggers and reinforces anger.

Estrangement

In cases of neglect, adult children tend to experience harsh criticism or withdrawal of support from parents, particularly mothers with their daughters.^2,3 This can produce extreme emotional distance, physical avoidance, and ambivalence toward parents. Estrangement is the name of the game—a game in which no one wins.

One primary reason for estrangement comes from adult children no longer subscribing to the cultural or societal norms established by their parents. In these cases, parental estrangement is an attempt to bring adult children back into “compliance” with family norms. These norms may include the adult child’s career choice, if or when they should have children, or even what type of curtain they should hang in their living room.

Religion is also a frequent point of tension for families. Adult children may be chided or alienated for not continuing the practice of the religion or spiritual expressions that were taught in their homes.

Enmeshment & Boundary Issues

Enmeshed boundaries, or lack of boundaries, can impact adult children as they seek to break cultural norms and customs. Enmeshment trauma can affect adult children’s psychological well-being, especially those in mid-life. Many adult children experience higher levels of depression and anxiety symptoms if one sibling is perceived to be either the closest to the parent or the one the parent is most disappointed with.³

3 Ways to Let Go of Anger at Parents in Adulthood

Living an unfulfilled or angry life takes a toll after a while and cannot be sustained. The impacts are compounded. The parents of adult children are said to face their own mental health deterioration given the emotional and physical distance as well.⁴ This, too, negatively impacts the overall family system .Rather than allowing a resentful mindset to rob you of a fulfilled life, learning how to control your anger is important when healing.

Below are three tips for letting go of resentment and anger at parents in adulthood:

1. Find a Safe Space to Process

Start with finding a quiet and safe place to slow down long enough to notice the thoughts and emotions that overwhelm you. This may be challenging for some, but identifying what you’re thinking and feeling allows you to expose and release the weight of your inner experiences.

Journaling can be a great way to process these feelings, as can having a safe person on whom you can rely on for support. You may also consider finding a support group, where you can process with other people who have had similar experiences. These can often be found in-person or online.

2. Ask Yourself Important Questions

You may consider asking yourself important questions that start with how or what rather than why. Why questions can make you judgmental and overly-critical of yourself and others. Questions that include how and what open up the possibility for genuine, non-judgmental exploration.

The questions might include:

• How do I feel when ___ happens?
• What is the message I tell myself when ____ happens?
• What is important to me?

Listening to your thoughts and feeling the emotions that accompany them, and following up with respectful questions, allows you to pinpoint what your needs are. This could lead you to the conclusions such as, “I need someone to listen,” “I notice I am hard on myself,” or “I need to set firm boundaries with my parents.”

3. Focus on Positive Self-Talk

The way you speak to yourself matters! Your unconscious does not separate positive from negative—it simply operates on what it is fed or instructed repeatedly. Writing positive statements and reading them out daily in your quiet and safe space reduces negative thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This practice allows you to reframe your experiences and provides you with a better view and sense of self, giving you self-control over negative emotions when faced with adverse situations. Consider starting a gratitude journal that you write in every day to help you reframe your thoughts.

When to Seek Professional Support

Seeking support when learning how to deal with resentment towards parents is essential. Unresolved issues can be traumatic and impactful, potentially even contributing to an abusive child/parent relationship. Consulting with a therapist can be helpful in moving forward, as a variety of interventions are available. Together, you and a therapist can create a plan that will be practical and measured to meet your needs.

The type of therapist or the setting one chooses depends greatly on needs, priority of those needs, and cooperation between client and therapist. For example, people having marital or couple’s issues with unresolved trauma may need to start with individual trauma-informed therapy before moving onto marriage counseling, or vice versa. There are times when group therapy is appropriate for those who have already gone through individual therapy and perhaps need ongoing support and accountability.

A family therapist is another resource suggested for adult children and parents. In this setting, a family therapist joins the family and lends support to different family members to bring about functional communication in a family system. This is needed as some family systems have dysfunctional boundaries or ways of communicating, which oftentimes do not meet the needs of all the members involved. The input of a spiritual person or community can be beneficial as well. Research proves that including spirituality in psychotherapy can be beneficial. ⁵

Finding a therapist who is right for you does not need to be daunting. An easy place to start is by using an online therapist directory where you can filter for providers with the specialty you’re looking for. Or, it can be helpful to ask a trusted friend whom you know has sought therapy in the past, or reach out to your doctor for a referral.

Final Thoughts

Living with anger and resentment toward parents takes away the opportunity of living a full and healthy life. However, achieving personal harmony and stabilization is possible. Recognizing our narratives or stories help us to have proper perspectives on our daily living. This requires us to be in the present. You may not be able to make these changes on your own, but you are not weak for asking for help—you are taking responsibility to build a better future for yourself and your family.