Parental Abuse: Definition, Examples & How to Heal

Parental abuse, also known as child-to-parent violence (CPV), is physical or psychological abuse perpetrated by children or adolescents toward their parents or caregivers.¹ Parental abuse victims experience a range of emotions, including despair, anger, fear, and hopelessness. Parents who are the victims of child violence and their children can benefit from professional mental health interventions.

Signs of Parent Abuse

There are numerous signs to look for that may indicate physical and/or emotional abuse. Parents may instinctively want to protect their children, even when they are the victims of parental abuse. They may try to hide the abuse or be reluctant to report it.

Signs of physical abuse include:

• Broken Bones
• Bruises
• Cuts, wounds, punctures
• Evidence of being kicked or slapped

Signs of emotional abuse include:

• Children intentionally isolating parents
• Increased anxiety, depression, and fear as a result of abuse from children
• Ongoing verbal threats

Signs of neglect as a result of parental abuse include:

• Malnutrition or dehydration
• Medical issues that are ignored or not treated
• Home in disrepair, unclean, cluttered
• Stolen money, checkbooks, or possessions
• Breaking, selling, or destroying possessions

Examples of Parental Abuse

Once a child realizes they can use violence and manipulation tactics to get what they want, breaking that dysfunctional behavior chain is hard unless a parent takes action. The age of the abuser and the person getting abused can impact the dynamics.

Here are a few examples of parental abuse at different ages:

Younger Children Committing Parental Abuse

There are reports of parental abuse from children ages 10 or even younger. There may be a lack of bonding with the parents in these cases. The child may have witnessed or been the victim of abuse and mimicked behavior that was once modeled to them. These children often lack problem-solving skills. They learn that verbal abuse or bullying gets them what they want and continue to engage in this abusive behavior when frustrated.

Parents need to act immediately when younger children start displaying behaviors like this. These children are at a higher risk for displaying abusive, violent behavior as teenagers and adults. Warning signs include young children who are verbally abusive to other kids or teachers, as well as parents. Examples of aggressive behavior at this age include kicking, bullying, biting, and punching other children or parents.

Teens & Young Adults Committing Parent Abuse

Kids are physically stronger when they become teenagers, and the threat of violence and harm grows. There can be more disagreements regarding boundaries, rules, and issues around independence that develop into more verbal and aggressive conflicts. If the previous pattern of agitated, abusive behaviors has remained unchecked, the threat of physical or emotional harm grows as the child ages.

Explosive episodes of temper can include property destruction or breaking things. Teens can become verbally abusive or violent and strike a parent, causing bodily harm or triggering fear and anxiety related to associated emotional abuse.

This trauma causes extreme stress on the relationship between parents. As the child’s behavior escalates, the parents’ response can also escalate, making these interactions more inflammatory and risky. This is especially true if one parent is the primary target of this behavior. It becomes problematic when parents have different ideas about how to cope with or confront these abusive behaviors. Teens and young adults will sense this division and use it to cause additional turmoil and chaos between parents.

Parental Abuse by Grown Children

Adult children who abuse their parents often rely on their parents for support due to their inability to be independent. Adult children abuse parents by trapping them in cycles of blame, manipulation, and criticism to feel the control they lack in their own lives. Adult children can be especially physically threatening for aging parents who may have cognitive deficits or are physically vulnerable because of medical conditions. They will use their threats of physical violence or actual violence as a means of control and manipulation.

Senior parents can also be victims of neglect as they become increasingly dependent on adult children for daily care needs. Aging parents’ cognitive decline and the role reversal for care needs make them easy targets for abusive adult children. They may also have diminishing finances. Adult children can refuse to offer necessary assistance with needed tasks, intentionally isolate parents if they cannot drive, and financially abuse vulnerable or unwitting aging parents.

Below are common ways adult children emotionally victimize their parents:⁶

• Gaslighting
• Incurring debts their parents must cover
• Intimidation
• Destroying and stealing possessions

Effects of Abuse on Parents

Parents often have a hard time admitting that parental abuse is happening. They may feel shame or believe that they are somehow to blame for these abusive dynamics. It is painful and unsettling to live in an environment where violence and abuse can erupt.

The effects of parental abuse by a child may include:

• Self-blame
• Guilt
• Shame
• Feeling helpless and hopeless
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Strained relationships with spouses and partners
• Physical symptoms like headaches, lack of sleep, digestive issues, muscle tension
• Behavioral changes like self-isolation, not eating, or eating too much
• Too much sleep or not enough sleep
• Increased alcohol or drug use
• Regretting having children as they feel a loss of control over their child

How to Respond to Parental Abuse

Parental abuse feels overwhelming, especially at the moment the abuse occurs. Trying to remain calm and thoughtful in your response can seem impossible. However, the way that a parent responds can set the tone when it is occurring, especially in the earlier stages of abuse and with younger children.

Victims of elder abuse should have a trustworthy individual involved in their care needs and finances. Find someone who can advocate for you. This may be a friend, family member, or geriatric care manager. If abuse occurs, seek help. Call a domestic abuse hotline or 911. Speak to your physician, spiritual leader, counselor, or local senior center for guidance.

Below are ways to respond to parental abuse:⁵

• Teach children boundaries and set them firmly
• Don’t back down or renegotiate the set limits and rules
• Talk to your partner and agree upon a response that you both feel comfortable with
• Think before you react
• Avoid responding to abuse with anger and violence

How to Heal From Abuse

The first step in healing from abuse is to recognize and call it what it is. Don’t deny it. Acknowledge and accept that you need help. It can be very challenging to resolve trauma bonding. Reaching out to a domestic abuse program is an important step. Finding peers who have experienced this type of abuse can help you understand you are not alone and solely responsible for being the victim of abuse. Remind yourself that everyone has the right to feel safe.

It is important to reach out for counseling to learn how to deal with abusive relationships. Individual psychotherapy and family counseling can be beneficial for both your child and family. Abuse impacts you individually and as an entire unit. Therapy can help you to understand the dynamics that created the abusive situation and offer coping skills. Choosing a therapist can feel overwhelming, but an online therapist directory is a great place to start looking.

Final Thoughts on Parental Abuse

Being the victim of any type of ongoing abuse is difficult for anyone. It is hard to understand what is happening and why. Reaching out for help from an outside individual can be the best way to gain insights and understanding into how to cope. That support can be invaluable and can give you the strength and insights you need to alter the abusive cycle and help to begin to move forward.

For Further Reading

• Best Online Therapy
• Best Mental Health Apps
• Best Meditation Apps

Parental Abuse Infographics