What Is Enmeshment Trauma?

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is an extreme form of closeness that involves low levels of autonomy and high levels of inappropriate intimacy.¹ While commonly seen in families (i.e., between a parent and child), enmeshment can happen in any relationship.

For example, a parent may routinely over-share with their child about personal problems, using that child as a sounding board to validate their feelings. Or, they may assign significant child-rearing responsibilities to their eldest. The parent may also think they can use their children to let out steam, making them an outlet for adult issues.

What Is Enmeshment Trauma?

Enmeshment trauma exists on a spectrum, and some individuals may not recognize the impacts on their ability to process emotions and function until adulthood. Enmeshment can cause a loss of identity and impede healthy childhood development. In dysfunctional family units, children may also exhibit a “fawn” trauma response in which they aim to please adults to avoid arguments or blame.² Eventually, enmeshment can lead to long-term complications, as children never learn healthy relationship dynamics.

7 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma

While enmeshment trauma can look different for every family, specific signs and symptoms are common within experiences. Enmeshed relationships typically involve poor boundaries, limited privacy, and unstable self-identities. Recognizing these behaviors can help members address issues before they become damaging.

Here are seven signs of enmeshment trauma:

1. Lack of Boundaries

The purpose of enmeshment is to create emotional power and control within the family. The lack of boundaries creates identity and role confusion, thus denying individuals their voice or personal choice. They may continually sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the family, sometimes leading to guilt and unrealistic expectations.

2. Feeling Responsible For the Feelings of a Parent

Children of an enmeshed family dynamic may think they have more influence and ability to make things work than they should. For example, a child may become accustomed to comforting a parent, providing for parents (cooking, cleaning, etc), or being emotionally available at all times.

Parents with poor mental health can rely on their kids to make them feel worthy or valuable. A child might be afraid to upset their parents and fear having to be responsible for their well-being.

3. Lack of Privacy

Families can go overboard with monitoring, thus invading the privacy of others. This behavior gives parents a sense of control but can be traumatic and unhealthy for the child. Such extreme measures are another example of poor boundaries and lack of respect.

In turn, children may model similar behavior with others or feel anxious when they cannot control a situation. A controlling parent can also be embarrassing and frustrating for a child as they develop their own identity and explore interests and relationships.

Parents often think they have a general idea of how their child will grow. They may want their adult child to think, behave, and act in a way that “represents” them, particularly the parts they deem worthy.

This mindset could come from a place of wanting recognition and validation. If they are unhappy with their adult child’s choices, the discomfort likely comes from their own internal discomfort and self-judgment.

5. Avoiding Conflict

Avoiding conflict is a common trauma response for anyone involved in enmeshed relationships. People who do this may retreat from or avoid conflict because they fear blame or losing the relationship.

6. Lack of Identity Outside Your Family

Sometimes, people can fear the world outside of their enmeshed family. They may avoid new relationships or distrust others, possibly due to the impact of manipulation and the guilt that keeps them in unhealthy family dynamics.

The idea that “family is everything” may have been taken too far for someone with enmeshment trauma. That phrase can even convince a family member not to develop a sense of individuality.

7. Complicated Interpersonal Relationships

Someone with unhealed enmeshment trauma may have no room for others in their life. Trusting people can be difficult, and some may feel a member of their family (e.g., mother, father, sibling) can meet all their emotional needs. Left unaddressed, these behaviors can persist through generations.

Types of Enmeshment in Families

Enmeshment can take a variety of forms, including romanticized parents, helicopter parents, incapacitated parents, and scapegoating. These dynamics perpetuate the power dynamic that fuels trauma and leaves children with long-lasting scars.

Types of family enmeshment can include:

Romanticized Parent

Emotional incest starts when the adult goes to the child to gain the emotional intimacy their adult relationship lacks.⁶ The parent may treat the child like a romantic partner or best friend. Emotional incest does not have sexual elements but may involve inappropriate exposure to sex. For example, a parent may overshare with a child about their sex life or become jealous of their child’s romantic relationships.

Helicopter Parent

Helicopter parenting represents a type of enmeshment. Parents naturally want to protect their kids from physical or emotional harm. However, healthy child-rearing allows children to work through their difficulties and learn from their mistakes.

Helicopter parents may justify their habits by citing safety as a concern, but this behavior is more about power and control. Hyper-involvement helps them feel in control and soothes their anxiety at the expense of the child. Helicopter parents force dependency, stunted growth, and lack of coping skills on their kids.⁷

Incapacitated Parent

Caregiving for the incapacitated or lower functioning can be physically and emotionally exhausting when the family lacks adequate help or support. Unfortunately, children with parents who cannot nurture or acknowledge their needs may struggle with finding their own identity and boundaries.

Scapegoating & Favoritism

Scapegoating and favoritism in families refers to starkly different treatment of children.⁸ The family may blame the scapegoat child for various issues, while the favorite can “do no harm.” A parent may release their frustrations on one child and attempt to “make up for” bad parenting with the other. This behavior creates a multitude of issues for both children, including poor self-esteem and unrealistic self-expectations.

Why Does Enmeshment Trauma Happen?

Enmeshment trauma often happens when parents do not feel emotionally supported by another adult, whether a spouse or another family member. For example, divorced or separated parents may intentionally or unintentionally share personal/relationship issues with their children to get sympathy and sway their feelings in favor of one party.

Eventually, parents may force children into a complicated relationship triad as a “third parent,” caring for their siblings and making up for parental neglect and deficits. While helping care for their siblings is perfectly normal and a significant stage of development, enmeshment refers to a specific kind of disregard for boundaries.

What Is the Impact of Enmeshment Trauma?

The impacts of enmeshment trauma include fear of conflict, difficulty maintaining healthy relationships, low self-esteem, and lack of self-identity. These challenges can affect functioning in various aspects of life, leading to significant and long-term problems in adulthood.

Here are the impacts of enmeshment trauma:

• Fear of conflict: Many children respond to enmeshment trauma by developing a fear of conflict. They may learn to please others or suppress their needs to maintain peace.
• Relationship problems: Enmeshment trauma can contribute to relationship conflict, as traumatized individuals may seek unhealthy advice from family members. Others may overstep boundaries with their partners because they never learned to set or acknowledge healthy limits as children.
• Low self-esteem: Individuals may experience low self-esteem due to the emotional trauma experienced in childhood. The extreme emotional reliance on others within enmeshed families can reduce confidence and autonomy.
• Lack of identity: An adult raised in an enmeshed family may have difficulty separating from the family. For example, they may rely heavily on parental advice or have compromised decision-making skills. They may move back in with their parents because they don’t feel ready or prepared to “adult” on their own.
• Feeling disconnected from self and the world: A lack of individuality may lead to issues with disassociation, including depersonalization or derealization. These are common trauma responses for individuals who feel out of control in their lives.
• Trauma bonding: Trauma bonding often keeps people stuck in a cycle of staying or returning to an abusive relationship. When someone becomes reliant on another person, they may feel they need that person to survive, making the bond very difficult to break. 

5 Tips for How to Heal From Enmeshment Trauma

Breaking from an enmeshed family and finding yourself as an individual can be difficult. However, you can find support and discover healing from PTSD. Recovering from enmeshment trauma may include creating boundaries, re-discovering yourself, and seeking professional help from a therapist.

Here are strategies for healing from enmeshment trauma:

Create Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be challenging because you may think saying “no” is wrong, hurtful, or immoral. However, over-committing yourself is inauthentic and creates a false sense of your human capabilities. While you may want to be available to everyone, neglecting yourself is unhealthy.

Find Yourself

Values work will be an essential component of healing from enmeshment trauma. Try new things. Re-discover yourself. You likely want to explore many things your family labeled as wrong. Expressing that version of yourself takes time but can feel empowering.

Don’t Feel Guilty

People with enmeshment trauma struggle with guilt and may feel anxious when thinking about making decisions for themselves. Working through that guilt and understanding the cause is important to healing. This guilt does not serve a good purpose.

Seek Professional Help

People learn patterns of unhelpful thoughts and behaviors in childhood that need to be examined and processed. Find a therapist skilled in treating childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect. Trusting your therapist may take some time, but the additional support is beneficial when healing from enmeshment trauma.

Be Patient

Be patient with yourself when re-examining difficult experiences. Wanting a “quick fix” is normal, but debunking and exploring decades-old issues will take more than a couple of hours, weeks, or months. Learn skills to help you manage distress while figuring out what is best for you now and in the future.