What Is Enmeshment Trauma?

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is an extreme form of closeness between individuals. This commonly happens within families, like between a parent and child, but enmeshment can really happen in any social or romantic relationship. It involves low levels of autonomy or independence and high levels of inappropriate intimacy.¹

For example, a parent may routinely over-share with their child about their personal adult problems and use that child as a sounding board to validate their feelings. Or, a parent may assume their eldest will be some kind of back-up and assign significant child-rearing responsibilities. The parent may also think they can use their child as someone to rant to or let out steam, making them a sounding board for their issues.

What Is Enmeshment Trauma?

It may not be until adulthood (if ever) that someone is able to recognize how these relationships impacted their ability to process emotion and function in general. People can have many different responses to emotional trauma, but it is most important for them to recognize these enmeshed relationships as being manipulative and potentially abusive.

Enmeshment exists on a spectrum. Some people are able to set boundaries more easily than others, depending on their circumstances and experiences. In poorly-functioning family units, children may want to resist conflict by performing a “fawn” trauma response in which they give in to meet the needs of others. The fawn trauma response in enmeshed relationships aims to please or pacify in order to avoid arguments or blame.²

7 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma

While it can look different for different families, there are common signs and symptoms to look out for when it comes to enmeshment trauma. At the very least, it may be helpful to take note of these behaviors. If you’re involved in these family dynamics, practice healthy caution.

Here are seven behavioral responses or signs of enmeshment trauma:

1. Lack of Boundaries

The purpose of enmeshment is to create emotional power and control within the family. The lack of boundaries creates identity and role confusion where individuals feel like they don’t have a voice or personal choice. They may continually sacrifice themselves for the betterment of the family or for another individual to get their needs met. This can lead to guilt and unrealistic expectations.

2. Feeling Responsible For the Feelings of a Parent

Children of an enmeshed family dynamic may think that they have more influence and ability to make things work for the family than they should. For example, a child may get used to having to comfort a parent, provide for parents (cooking, cleaning, etc), or be available at all times.

Parents who don’t have their own mental health in check can rely on their kids to make them feel worthy or valuable. A child might be afraid to upset their parents and fear having to be responsible for their well-being.

3. Lack of Privacy

Families can go overboard with monitoring and end up invading the privacy of others. Invasion of privacy gives parents a sense of control, but it can be traumatic and unhealthy for the child. Even if they come up with reasons to justify a lack of privacy, this extreme behavior is another example of poor boundaries and lack of respect.

This may influence a child to feel the need to invade the privacy of others or have anxious feelings when they don’t feel like they have that level of control. A parent who is too controlling can also be embarrassing and frustrating for a child as they are trying to develop their own identity and explore interests and relationships.

4. Pressure to Live Up to Your Parents’ Ideas for Your Future

It’s common for parents to think they have an idea of what their child will grow up to be like or do. They may want their adult child to think, behave, and act in a way that “represents” them, and particularly the parts in them they deem worthy.

This could come from a place where the parent wants some kind of recognition and validation. If they are unhappy with their adult child’s choices, that discomfort is likely coming from their own internal discomfort and self-judgment.

5. Avoiding Conflict

Avoiding conflict is a common trauma response for anyone who has been involved in some type of relationship where issues were never resolved and frequently blamed for the conflict. People who do this may retreat from or avoid conflict out of fear or anticipation that they will be blamed, forced to tolerate negative feelings, or even lose the relationship.

6. Lack of Identity Outside Your Family

Sometimes people can be made to fear the world outside of their enmeshed family. They may fear new relationships or be very distrusting of others. This may be due to the impact that the manipulation had on them and the guilt that keeps them in that unhealthy family dynamic.

The idea that “family is everything” may have been taken too far for someone with enmeshment trauma. That phrase can even be tossed around in order to convince a family member not to go out on their own and develop a sense of individuality.

7. Complicated Interpersonal Relationships

Someone who hasn’t healed from childhood enmeshment may have no room for others in their life. It can be difficult for them to trust and it may seem like they get all their needs “met” from a member of their family (e.g., mother, father, sibling).

Left unaddressed, these behaviors are often passed down through generations. If someone you care about has an unhealthy relationship with their family and doesn’t want to make changes, they likely won’t even see the behaviors they pass down to their own children. In other words, the cycle continues.

Types of Enmeshment in Families

Enmeshment can take on a variety of forms, including romanticized parents, helicopter parents, incapacitated parents, and scapegoating.

Types of family enmeshment can include:

Romanticized Parent

Emotional incest, otherwise known as covert incest, is a type of parental abuse. This can happen in single or dual-parent homes and starts when the adult goes to the child to gain the emotional intimacy their adult relationship is lacking.⁶ The parent may treat the child like a romantic partner or best friend. There’s no physically sexual component in emotional incest, but their may be an inappropriate exposure to sex. For example, a parent may overshare with a child about their personal sex life or even be jealous of their child’s romantic relationships. In return, a child may over-idealize their relationship with the parent in order to emotionally protect themselves from the discomfort the relationship causes.⁶

Helicopter Parent

At its most extreme, helicopter parents represent a type of enmeshment. It’s natural for parents to want to protect their kids from physical or emotional harm; however, healthy child-rearing allows for children to work through their own difficulties. Helicopter parenting executes extremely high levels of control.

These types of parents may try to justify certain behaviors by citing safety as a concern; psychologically though, this is more about power and control. A helicopter parent may present as anxious and worried, but their behavior helps them feel in control and soothes their anxiety at the expense of the child. Helicopter parents force dependency, stunted growth, and lack of coping skills on their kids.⁷

Incapacitated Parent

Caregiving for the incapacitated or lower functioning can be physically and emotionally exhausting when the family does not have enough help or other options for caregiving. For children who grew up with a parent who required caregiving, their needs may have gone unnurtured and unacknowledged. Children and adult children of high-needs parents may struggle with finding their own identity and boundaries.

Scapegoating & Favoritism

Scapegoating and favoritism in families refers to starkly different treatment of children.⁸ The scapegoat child might be blamed for family issues while the favorite child can seemingly do no harm. A parent may use one child to get their frustrations out and attempt to “make up for” bad parenting with the other. This creates a multitude of issues for both children, including poor self-esteem and unrealistic self-expectations.

Why Does Enmeshment Happen?

Enmeshment often happens between a parent and child when the parent’s emotional needs aren’t met by another adult. For example, in divorced families or split households, parents may intentionally or unintentionally share personal/relationship issues with their child in order to get their sympathy and sway their feelings in favor of one party.

Whether intentional or not, that child may be forced into a complicated relationship triad as a “third parent,” caring for their siblings and making up for parental neglect and deficits. While it’s often perfectly normal and a significant stage of development for a child to help care for their siblings, enmeshment refers to a specific kind of disregard for boundaries.

What Is the Impact of Enmeshment Trauma?

The impacts of enmeshment trauma include fear of conflict, difficulty maintaining healthy relationships, low self-esteem, and lack of self-identity.

Here are the impacts of enmeshment trauma:

Being Afraid of Conflict

A common response to conflict can be to avoid it out of fear or to just give in, pleasing others and suppressing individual needs in order to maintain some kind of peace.

Difficulty In Relationships

Children growing up in enmeshed families commonly have relationships that suffer the consequences. Friends or romantic partners may think this person’s relationship with their family is too close or even intrusive.

Some complications in romantic relationships may look like one partner regularly going outside of the relationship to seek unhealthy advice from a family member. That family member may not have the best intentions and see this behavior as continuing to have control and influence over the advice-seeker.

Low Self-Esteem

People with low self-esteem may feel like they don’t have much to offer and struggle to accept praise. This can be due to the emotional trauma they experienced as a child or a significant experience that led them to believe negative things about themselves. The extreme emotional reliance on others within enmeshed families can reduce confidence and autonomy.

Lack of Self-identity

An adult who grew up in an enmeshed family may have a difficult time separating from the family, physically and emotionally. For example, an adult may rely on their parents’ advice too much or have a compromised decision-making ability. They may move back in with their parents because they don’t feel ready or prepared to “adult” on their own.

Emotional & Functional Consequences

Typically, there are emotional and functional consequences in adulthood for children who grew up in enmeshed families. A lack of individuality may lead to issues with disassociation, including depersonalization (feelings that the self is not real) or derealization (feelings that the world is not real). These are common trauma responses for individuals who don’t feel they have a lot of control or choice in their lives.³⁴

Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is a term used to describe the relationship between the abused and the abuser. Trauma bonds are typically what keeps people stuck in a cycle of staying or returning to an abusive relationship. When someone becomes reliant on or immersed in another person, they can think they need that other person in their life in order to survive, make the bond very difficult to break.⁵

The abuser, or the person in control, has likely been calling the conscious or unconscious shots for them. Enmeshment doesn’t allow for boundaries, and for targets in a trauma bonded relationship, they will lose control and may even lose their sense of reality when they fully separate from themselves.

5 Tips for How to Heal From Enmeshment Trauma

It can be hard to break away from an enmeshed family and find yourself as an individual, but there are helpful ways to seek support and discover healing from PTSD. Methods of healing include creating boundaries, re-discovering yourself, and seeking professional help from a therapist.

Here are five strategies for healing from enmeshment trauma:

1. Create Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be hard because we may think it’s wrong, hurtful, or immoral to say “no.” However, over-committing yourself isn’t good for you or anyone else because it’s inauthentic and creates a false sense of your human capabilities. There is a lot of pressure in life to be available to everyone, but neglecting yourself is unhealthy.

2. Find Yourself

Identity and values work will be an essential component of healing from enmeshment trauma. Find out what you like and don’t like. Try new things. Re-discover yourself. There are likely many things you want to try and explore that have been suppressed or made out to be wrong. Expressing that version of yourself is complex and takes time, but it can feel really good and freeing once you’re on the other side.

3. Don’t Feel Guilty

People with enmeshment trauma struggle with guilt and may feel distress when thinking about making decisions for themselves vs. others. It is important to work through that guilt and understand where it comes from. It is likely not serving a good purpose and only keeps you trapped in a state of confusion.

4. Seek Professional Help

Childhood experiences are highly investigated in therapy for a reason. We learn patterns of unhelpful thoughts and behaviors that need to be examined and re-worked. It’s important to find a therapist who is skilled in treating issues of childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect. Trusting your therapist may take some time, but that is perfectly normal.

5. Be Patient

It is so important to be patient with yourself when going back to reexamine difficult experiences. While it’s normal to want a “quick fix,” debunking and exploring decades-old issues will take more than a couple of hours, weeks, or months. It would be helpful to learn skills to help you manage distress while you are figuring out what is best for you now and in the future.

Final Thoughts

It can be difficult to be part of an enmeshed family, but healing is possible. It may be hard to put words together to describe your childhood experiences, but therapy is a pathway to uncover those unresolved issues and make the necessary changes in life to live better.