Do I Like Him or the Attention?

Do I Like Him or the Attention: 13 Questions to Ask Yourself

It’s normal to wonder if you like someone or if you like how they make you feel. This question can be difficult to answer in the beginning stages of dating. However, there are some questions you can ask yourself to discern better how you feel. It’s important to be honest with yourself to determine if there’s a true connection.

1. Do You Consider His Feelings or Just Your Own?

When you genuinely like someone, you develop strong empathy for their feelings and needs. You ensure they feel equally safe and supported in the relationship. When they’re sad, you feel that pain with them. With that, there’s often a reciprocal take-and-give, with you both aiming to care for one another.

The absence of this dynamic may mean you’re not as interested in the other person. You may only like things when they feel easy or good. Empathy may feel more challenging. While there’s nothing wrong with how you feel, it may mean you’re not looking for a serious commitment together.

2. Do You Wonder What He Does With His Time When You’re Apart?

When you’re first getting to know someone, it’s normal to be curious about how they live their lives. You consider their daily routine and how they move about with their time. You’re curious about their other relationships or passions, and you want to know more about what makes up their usual lifestyle.

On the other hand, if you’re not that interested in them, you might not care so much about their life outside of you. Instead, you may feel more focused on what you two share- rather than what’s beyond it. Or, you might only care about what they’re doing when you miss them (which may ebb and flow).

3. Does It Seem Like You’re Building Trust in the Relationship?

Trust is essential in any relationship, but developing it takes time and effort. However, when you genuinely like someone, you both begin building trust. Even if one of you feels scared to trust the other, the interest often feels strong enough that it’s worth trying to overcome that fear.

The opposite is also true. Trust may not matter as much to you if you don’t genuinely like someone. It won’t be prioritized as much as spending time together or feeling happy with one another. With that, you may not also care if the other person genuinely cares about you, as long as they give you what you need.

4. Do You See Yourself Having a Future Together?

Not every relationship leads to serious commitment. However, when you like someone, you generally imagine a future together. You might consider crossing certain milestones like meeting each other’s families, vacationing, moving together, or marriage. Ideally, you also feel excited about what’s to come.

If you don’t envision a future together, discussing what’s to come might overwhelm you. You may find yourself being vague when these types of discussions come up. Or you might continue making excuses for not wanting to plan for future things together. Part of you may not feel ready, but another may not want the commitment.

5. Do You Still Stay Active on Dating Apps?

There’s nothing wrong with continuing to date when getting to know someone. But boundaries and open communication are important. Does it still feel like there’s something better out there for you? When you get annoyed with him, do you start looking and swiping to see what else you might find?

If you stay active on dating apps even if he wants to commit together solely, that could be a red flag regarding your future together. You two may be incompatible at this time- or you may need to reassess whether you’re interested in that kind of relationship.

6. Do You Open Up to Him?

How comfortable do you feel talking about your innermost feelings and needs? Do you want him to get to know you on a more emotional level? Do you want to know him on that same deep emotional level? If you like someone, these desires are common- they essentially drive the beginning stages of a relationship.

If you don’t like someone, these desires are either absent or minimal. Interactions may seem more superficial or physically focused. You might also want to present yourself in perfect or unnatural light to ensure more attention. In this framework, you being vulnerable seems both off-putting and unnecessary.

7. Do You Miss Him When You’re Apart?

When you first get to know someone, there’s often an infectious energy within the dynamic. The brain is releasing high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, which make people feel euphoric. It’s why falling in love can feel so intoxicating- the brain acts similarly when under the influence.³

Subsequently, if things are brand new and you don’t spend much time thinking about him, that could be a red flag. When you care about someone, you tend to miss them when you’re apart. They’re on your mind, and you think about what they’re doing and how they’re feeling.

8. Do You Want to Introduce Him to Your Loved Ones?

When you care about someone, there’s a desire to share your world with them. While the timing is different for everyone, you generally want them to get to know the people who matter most to you. Subsequently, you also usually care about what your loved ones think. Meeting each other’s friends and families can be pivotal in a relationship.

At the same time, lacking the desire to merge your relationship into your current relationships may indicate a lack of interest. You may not want the other person to get too attached. Or you might not want friends or family to believe things are more serious than they are.

9. Do You Genuinely Care About What’s on His Mind?

When you are interested in someone, you have a strong desire to understand their inner world. You care deeply about the other person’s needs, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. And if you don’t understand something, you seek clarity. If you’re interested in someone emotionally unavailable, their guard may naturally upset you.

If you aren’t interested in someone, there’s simply less of a focus on what’s happening in their world. Your conversations may feel relatively surface-level, and you both might stick to safe, pleasant topics over deeper ones. If he needs you or opens up to you, you might feel annoyed.

10. Do You Want to Spend More Time With Him?

Quality time is an essential part of any satisfying relationship. How much time people spend together varies from relationship to relationship. But most couples would agree that they prioritize connection as often as possible. Given the choice between hanging out with him versus hanging out with others, is he the one you choose?

You might only want to spend time together when you’re doing something exciting or novel. This isn’t inherently a red flag, but it may mean that you’re more interested in what you do together than who you spend time with. From that perspective, the other person may be completely replaceable.

11. Do You Make Compromises?

All relationships require some mutual form of compromise. Each person ideally has good intent and strives to give attention and resources to the other person. Maintaining open communication is key to ensuring that compromises feel effective and equitable.⁴ If you’re willing to compromise, that’s likely a sign that you’re interested in someone.

If you don’t want to make any compromises, that could mean you aren’t interested in the other person. Instead, you’re focused on securing your needs (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing). But because no ideal relationship is ever that one-sided, this could indicate that you’re not interested in more commitment.

12. Does He Seem Replaceable?

There’s this sense of immense kinship when you truly feel interested in someone. Even though you might recognize their flaws, you can accept them. You feel like most of your needs are met, and this person seems inherently special to you. You feel lucky for what you have found and want to treasure it.

When someone feels replaceable, they aren’t as meaningful to you. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault, but it could speak to incompatibility or a simple lack of interest. Over time, this may change. But if it seems like many other people could keep you satisfied, you might not feel as invested in this dynamic.

13. Do You Feel Pressured Into Commitment?

At some point, most people who like each other want to move into some level of commitment. The type of commitment varies based on the relationship, and there’s no right or wrong way to approach this, but there tends to be a mutual feeling of truly valuing spending time together.

Do you feel like you’re with the other person because you’re supposed to be with them? Are they interested in you, making you feel you need to return the favor? If you feel like you’re just going along with the dynamic for the sake of doing so, it may mean that your heart isn’t really in it.

What to Do If You Only Like the Attention

If you like the attention you receive from another person, don’t be too hard on yourself! This is a normal human desire. But if you’re concerned about potentially leading someone else on, it’s helpful to be clear about your intentions and consider how you spend time together. Furthermore, attraction can develop over time, so you may find that your feelings change.

How Therapy Can Help Attention-Seeking Behavior

Everyone wants attention, especially in intimate relationships. But if you find yourself excessively engaging in attention-seeking behavior or sabotaging your relationships, you may benefit from seeking professional support to change your habits. The need for excessive attention often comes from underlying issues, such as trauma, low self-esteem, or relationship anxiety.

Therapy offers a safe place to explore your innermost emotions and needs. It’s important to recognize how, why, and when you seek attention from others. Therapy can also help you learn ways to validate yourself if you struggle with themes of self-compassion. Finally, it can support you in creating healthy parameters for your relationships with others.

Where to Find Professional Help

To work through these specific issues, it’s important to find a therapist experienced in attachment and relationship problems. Many therapists offer both in-person and online therapy options for their clients. You can use our online therapist directory to get started. The length of your treatment will vary based on your goals and current issues.

In My Experience

Wanting attention can be a complex and even shameful topic in therapy. But, it often stems from childhood issues and is a common reaction to complex, developmental trauma. It also can co-occur with many other mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and personality disorders. Seeking support can help you better understand your needs and learn to take care of yourself proactively.