Explaining death to children is key to helping them develop a healthy outlook on death. Start the conversation when they’re young, use clear and direct language, and model honest emotional expression. This helps them be better prepared when they experience the death of a loved one, supports healthy grieving, and increases mental health resilience.
Why Is Talking to Kids About Death Important?
Many children will experience a death before they reach adulthood. The death of a grandparent, parent, and a pet are the most common first experiences. Talking to children about death can help them to understand and process the inevitable deaths and grief they will encounter with less fear and anxiety.1
Research has shown that without adult support, children struggle to develop a healthy outlook on death.2 Talking about death also facilitates children’s ability to grieve in a healthy way and reduces the likelihood that deaths experienced in childhood will negatively impact them later in life.3,4
It is best to start talking with children about death before a death actually occurs. This can be done through observations of things your child is likely to encounter, such as a dead plant or bug. You can state that it is dead, which means it cannot come back to life and no longer needs anything. As children grow and reach different developmental stages, it’s important to revisit the topic using age appropriate examples and language.
At What Age Do Children Understand Death?
Below is a guideline for what many children understand about death at different ages. Each child develops an understanding of death at their own pace and in their own way, and may not mirror the trajectory outlined below.
Children will understand death in the following ways as they develop:5,6,7,8,9
- Children Age 3 & Under: Most children don’t have the cognitive and linguistic development to begin understanding death before age 3.
- Children Age 3-5: Between ages 3 and 5, children can typically understand that death means someone is gone. However, they struggle to understand the finality, non-functionality, and irreversibility of death. Most children at this age will not understand that death is universal or that death is caused by the breakdown of bodily functioning.
- Children Age 5-7: By 5 or 6, most children understand that death is irreversible. They are beginning to understand the non-functionality of death, and may begin wondering about the causation of death. They do not yet understand the universality or inevitability of death.
- Children Age 7-9: By age 7, many children are able to understand that death is final, irreversible, and results in non-functioning. At this age they are still developing an understanding of causation, and may be more prone to believing that thoughts can cause someone else’s death. They may be especially interested in or anxious about what causes death as they develop this understanding. Children at this age are also beginning to understand that death is universal and inevitable, which can be quite frightening.
- Children Age 9-12: By age 10, the vast majority of children understand the finality, irreversibility, and nonfunctioning nature of death. They begin to develop a more sophisticated understanding of the causation, universality, and inevitability of death.
- Children Age 12 & Up: By age 12, children are able to understand the core components of the concept of death, teenagers are beginning to develop their philosophical and/or religious understanding of death. They may be particularly interested in understanding and creating meaning around the concept of and their experiences with death.
7 Tips for Explaining Death to Children
Talking about death with children can be hard, and you might feel a lot of pressure to do it “the right way.” Far more important than doing it perfectly is simply starting the conversation, and following your child’s lead on what they’re ready to talk about.
Below are seven tips to help with explaining death to children:
1. Don’t Wait
Don’t wait for the death of a loved one to occur before you start talking to children about death. Instead, begin talking about it with them when they’re young. By age 3, you can begin to introduce the concept of death by observing and narrating examples your child is likely to encounter, such as a dead bug.
Talking to children about death early helps to set your child up to better understand what’s happening when the death of a loved one does occur. It also helps to introduce the idea of death when you’re not actually navigating a death yourself. You are more likely to be calm and able to focus solely on your child, modeling that it’s safe and okay to talk about death. This sets the stage for keeping the lines of communication open as they get older.
2. Be Direct
Use clear and direct language when talking to kids about death. With children as young as 3, you can begin to explain what death is in plain language. For example, if you see a dead bug you can say: “That bug is dead. That means that it is not alive and it will not come back. It doesn’t eat, think, sleep, or feel anything.”
Beginning around age 5-6, or when your child begins to ask questions about it, use plain language to explain what causes death and who dies. You can say “When someone’s body stops working, they die. There are lots of things that can cause a body to stop working, but what you think and say can’t make anybody die. At some point, everybody dies.”
As kids begin to fully understand the concept of death, they may have questions that you don’t know the answers to. Be direct and say “I don’t know.” You can offer to help them find the answer to their question, or help them learn to sit with what it feels like to not have all the answers.
3. Validate Their Response
Whatever your child’s response is, validate it. Particularly with young children, how you react to their response is helping them understand what’s okay and who they can trust with their thoughts and feelings. If your child cries, you might say, “I can see that talking about this makes you feel sad. And sometimes when people are sad they cry. It’s okay to feel sad and to cry.”
4. Share Your Emotions
Children model their own emotional reactions and behaviors based on what they see the adults in their lives doing. They also develop an understanding of what is and what isn’t allowed based on what they see and hear. By sharing your emotions, you model that it’s okay to have feelings about death and that it’s okay to talk about them.10
The same goes for crying- it’s okay to cry in front of children. Doing so models that you don’t have to hide your emotions from others. This helps children to be more comfortable with their own emotional experience and expression, setting them up to be more resilient and have better mental health.
5. Make It an Ongoing Conversation
Explaining death to children should be an ongoing conversation that changes based on your child’s understanding of death and cognitive and linguistic development. Many children need time to process what they hear before they’re able to formulate questions about it, and they may ask the same questions multiple times. Invite your child’s questions, and follow their lead in when and what they’re ready to talk about.
6. Use Age-Appropriate Books & Shows
Sometimes it can be hard to find the right time or the right words to talk about death with a child. Using age appropriate books and shows can help you have those conversations. You may find that books or shows that aren’t specifically about death or grief offer a way to initiate the conversation by talking about what you read or see together.
If there’s been a death that has impacted the child, books and shows that are about death and grief can not only help you talk about it, they can help normalize your child’s experience and make them feel less alone.
7. Offer Comfort
Talking about death can be sad, scary, and confusing. Be sure to offer comfort to your child in a way that feels good to them, both during and after talking about death. You might offer to hold them or hold their hand, give them a hug, or reassure them that you’re there to listen to what they’re thinking and feeling.
What Should I Avoid?
When talking to children about death, the most important thing to avoid is euphemisms. While these phrases make sense to adults, they can be confusing and frightening for children.3 They may wonder exactly where the person went, become fearful about going to sleep, or cause them to believe that the deceased is going to return.
When talking to a child about death, avoid using the following euphemisms:
- “He passed away”
- “She’s gone to a better place”
- “They’re with God now”
- “She’s been called home”
- “We put the dog to sleep”
- “He’s resting in peace”
Use direct, clear language such as “He died,” instead. This may sound blunt to adult ears, but is more clear and less frightening for children.
It can be hard to know what to tell a child and when. As a result, many adults give too little information. They may redirect a child when they ask questions about death and dying out of fear that the child isn’t old enough to understand.
Instead, take your child’s questions as a guide post for what they’re ready to know. If they ask a question, answer it using age-appropriate language that is direct and clear.
Children’s Reactions to Talking About Death
Children may respond in many different ways to talking about death. They may cry, become fearful or worried, ask a lot of questions, or appear to have no response. There is no singular or typical reaction to talking about death. Whichever way your child reacts, it’s valid.
It’s important to validate your child’s reaction, and help them narrate it if they’re younger. For example, you might say “I can see that you feel sad right now. It’s okay to be sad about this. Do you want to tell me about it?” If a child appears to have no reaction, you might say “It’s okay not to have any thoughts or feelings about this right now. If something comes up later, know that you can come talk to me about it.”
Remember that talking about death should not be a one-time event. If your child seemed particularly sad or scared, follow-up with them a little bit later when they’ve had some time to sit with the information. You might say “I know that you felt sad the other day when we were talking about death. Do you want to ask me anything about it or talk about it together?”
If your child didn’t appear to have much of a reaction, it’s still important to follow up. You might check in with them by saying “The other day we were talking about death. I wondered if you had questions about that or if you wanted to talk about it with me?”
Why Is It Hard to Talk to Kids About Death?
Talking about death may be difficult for the adult themselves, even when not talking with a child.1 This may be because of their own difficult memories of experiencing the death of a loved one or unpleasant memories of talking about death with an adult when they were a child. Conversely, they may have no memories of talking about it as a child and feel unprepared to talk about it as an adult. Conversations about death may also act as a reminder of their own mortality.11
It might also be hard to talk to kids about death because the adult is worried about scaring or overwhelming them. They might worry that they won’t be able to answer the child’s questions. Some adults worry that they may show emotions or emotional expressions (such as sadness and crying) that they aren’t comfortable with.
What If I’m Not Ready?
If you don’t feel ready to talk about death with your child, it’s important to start by identifying the cause of your hesitancy. Do you feel uncomfortable talking about death in general? Are you worried you won’t know what to say? Are you afraid of how you or your child might react? Identifying what keeps you from feeling ready allows you to make a plan for addressing the cause and becoming ready.
For many adults who don’t feel ready to talk about death with their child, gathering more information can help. Talk to other trusted adults about how they approached the conversation about death with their child. Read or watch books or shows that you might share with your child by yourself first. And remember, you don’t have to know all of the answers or hide your own emotions.
How Therapy Can Help
Many adults have a complicated relationship with death, dying, and grief.10 Because children’s understanding and outlook on death is influenced by the adults in their lives, being able to comfortably talk about death is important.2 Therapy, especially grief counseling, can be helpful in providing you a safe place to examine your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about death. It can help you process and grieve deaths you’ve experienced that may be making it hard to discuss death with your child. If you or your child’s grief crosses over into complicated grief or another mood disorder, professional help will be important to relieve those symptoms.
Whether you are talking about death with your child before a death has occurred, or if you’re dealing with the death of a loved one and needing to talk to your child about it, therapists can provide tailored information and support to help you navigate that conversation. An online directory is a great place to start when choosing a therapist.
Final Thoughts
As the adult in a child’s life, you have the ability to help them develop a healthy outlook on death. Talking openly and honestly about death can help them tremendously when they experience the death of a loved one, and can support better mental health later in life. As beneficial as it is, it can feel hard! If you’re struggling to start the conversation, know that there are resources and support to help you. Reach out today!
For Further Reading
- I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas
- Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie
- When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief by Marge Heegaard
- When A Pet Dies by Fred Rogers
- Ida, Always by Caron Levis
- Sesame Street- Farewell, Mr. Hooper
- Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood- Death of a Goldfish
- Best Children’s Books About Grief
How to Explain Death to a Child Infographics
