How to Explain Death to a Child

Why Is Talking to Kids About Death Important?

Many children will experience a death before they reach adulthood. The death of a grandparent, parent, and pet are the most common first experiences. Talking to children about death can help them to understand and process the inevitable deaths and cope with grief they will encounter with less fear and anxiety.¹

Research has shown that without adult support, children struggle to develop a healthy outlook on death.² Talking about death also facilitates children’s ability to grieve in a healthy way and reduces the likelihood that deaths experienced in childhood will negatively impact them later in life.^3,4

When to Explain Death to a Child

A child is never too young to be told if a loved one has died. In general, when talking about death, honesty is the best policy, regardless of age. That said, it’s important to talk with your child in a way that matches where they are developmentally.

At What Age Is it Appropriate to Talk to a Child About Death

Below is a guideline for what many children understand about death at different ages. Each child develops an understanding of death at their own pace and in their own way, and may not mirror the trajectory outlined below.

Children will understand death in the following ways as they develop:^5,6,7,8,9

• Children age 3 & under: most children don’t have the cognitive and linguistic development to begin understanding death before age 3
• Children age 3-5: between ages 3 and 5, children can typically understand that death means someone is gone. However, they struggle to understand the finality, non-functionality, and irreversibility of death. Most children at this age will not understand that death is universal or that death is caused by the breakdown of bodily functioning.
• Children age 5-7: by 5 or 6, most children understand that death is irreversible. They are beginning to understand the non-functionality of death, and may begin wondering about the causation of death. They do not yet understand the universality or inevitability of death.
• Children age 7-9: by age 7, many children are able to understand that death is final, irreversible, and results in non-functioning. At this age they are still developing an understanding of causation, and may be more prone to believing that thoughts can cause someone else’s death. They may be especially interested in or anxious about what causes death as they develop this understanding. Children at this age are also beginning to understand that death is universal and inevitable, which can be quite frightening.
• Children age 9-12: by age 10, the vast majority of children understand the finality, irreversibility, and nonfunctioning nature of death. They begin to develop a more sophisticated understanding of the causation, universality, and inevitability of death.
• Children age 12 & Up: by age 12, children are able to understand the core components of the concept of death, teenagers are beginning to develop their philosophical and/or religious understanding of death. They may be particularly interested in understanding and creating meaning around the concept of and their experiences with death.

14 Tips For Explaining Death to Children

Talking about death with children can be hard, and you might feel a lot of pressure to do it “the right way.” Far more important than doing it perfectly is simply starting the conversation, and following your child’s lead on what they’re ready to talk about.

Below are fourteen tips to help with explaining death to children:

1. Don’t Wait For the Death of a Loved One

Don’t wait for the death of a loved one to occur before you start talking to children about death. Instead, begin talking about it with them when they’re young. By age 3, you can begin to introduce the concept of death by observing and narrating examples your child is likely to encounter, such as a dead bug.

Talking to children about death early helps set them up to better understand what’s happening when death occurs. It also helps introduce the idea of death when you’re not actually navigating it yourself. You’re more likely to be calm and able to focus solely on your child, modeling that it’s safe and OK to talk about death. This helps keep the lines of communication open as they age.

2. Be Direct & Honest

Use clear and direct language when talking to kids about death. With children as young as 3, you can begin to explain what death is in plain language. For example, if you see a dead bug you can say: “That bug is dead. That means that it is not alive and it will not come back. It doesn’t eat, think, sleep, or feel anything.”

Beginning around age 5-6, or when your child begins to ask questions about it, use plain language to explain what causes death and who dies. You can say “When someone’s body stops working, they die. There are lots of things that can cause a body to stop working, but what you think and say can’t make anybody die. At some point, everybody dies.”

As kids begin to fully understand the concept of death, they may have questions that you don’t know the answers to. Be direct and say “I don’t know.” You can offer to help them find the answer to their question, or help them learn to sit with what it feels like to not have all the answers.

3. Use Simple Words & Phrases

It’s important to stick to simple words and phrases and understand that the abstract concept of death is not something a young child’s brain will fully understand. Simple words that can help the child understand the concreteness of death. Sometimes we want to soften the impact we think children will have by using language that feels less harsh, however that can lead to more confusion instead of just being up front about what death actually means.

4. Tell Them What to Expect

It’s important that children have an idea of what to expect from death. Talking about death rituals and funeral processes that your family follows is important. Talking about why you follow those rituals is just as important. Giving them a step-by-step of what to do or where to go/sit/stand can help them feel less confused. Normalizing their experience of this is critical as it will shape the way they handle and learn to cope with death long-term.

5. Validate Their Response

Whatever your child’s response is, validate it. Particularly with young children, how you react to their response is helping them understand what’s OK and who they can trust with their thoughts and feelings. If your child cries, you might say, “I can see that talking about this makes you feel sad. And sometimes when people are sad they cry. It’s OK to feel sad and to cry.”

6. Share Your Emotions

Children model their own emotional reactions and behaviors based on what they see the adults in their lives doing. They also develop an understanding of what is and what isn’t allowed based on what they see and hear. By sharing your emotions, you model that it’s OK to have feelings about death and it’s OK to talk about them.¹⁰

The same goes for crying. It’s OK to cry in front of children. Doing so models that you don’t have to hide your emotions from others. This helps children to be more comfortable with their own emotional experience and expression, setting them up to be more resilient and have better mental health.

7. Make it an Ongoing Conversation

Explaining death to children should be an ongoing conversation that changes based on your child’s understanding of death and cognitive and linguistic development. Many children need time to process what they hear before they’re able to formulate questions about it, and they may ask the same questions multiple times. Invite your child’s questions, and follow their lead in when and what they’re ready to talk about.

8. Use Age-appropriate Books & Shows

Sometimes it can be hard to find the right time or the right words to talk about death with a child. Using age appropriate books and shows can help you have those conversations. You may find that books or shows that aren’t specifically about death or grief offer a way to initiate the conversation by talking about what you read or see together.

If there’s been a death that has impacted the child, books and shows that are about death and grief can not only help you talk about it, they can help normalize your child’s experience and make them feel less alone.

9. Offer Comfort

Talking about death can be sad, scary, and confusing. Be sure to offer comfort to your child in a way that feels good to them, both during and after talking about death. You might offer to hold them or hold their hand, give them a hug, or reassure them that you want to know what they’re thinking and feeling.

10. Ask Questions & Listen Closely

Ask your child questions about what they think and encourage them to ask you questions as well. Pay attention to what they ask, how they ask it, and what kind of language they use. It can give you clues into how your child is interpreting the information and how they are making sense of death. It is also a time to learn how your child’s thought process works with challenging and abstract information, and paying attention to their words and body can give you clues on how you can further support them.

11. Provide Healthy Distractions

Talking about and dealing with death can be two different things, but both can be challenging for children. Encouraging children to channel their emotions is important but giving them adaptive options such as journaling, being outside in nature, playing at a park, or coloring and drawing are good options. These all stimulate the children’s creativity and emotional brain to help them regulate themselves.

12. Give Them Time

Death is confusing at times for adults to comprehend and digest, and the same goes for children. Your children not showing emotion doesn’t mean they aren’t processing the death. It just means they are trying to work through in their minds what happened to really understand how they feel. They may also be showing emotion when it appears they are not, so being mindful of how your child communicates non-verbally is important.

13. Remember the Loved One Who Died

It’s important to help children keep their loved one’s memory alive. Keep talking about them with your children and bringing up old memories in conversation. It helps children feel like their loved one may be physically gone but they can still hold love for them and talk about them. It normalizes the feelings of missing someone and the many emotions that come up with grief.

14. If Necessary, Consult a Therapist

For some children, they experience death in such a traumatic or challenging way that reconciling their emotions and trying to support them is challenging. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, it just means that sometimes we need to support ourselves to support our kids, and that can look like going to a child psychologist to get support for your child, and yourself, for how to manage these feelings at home.

What Phrases Should I Avoid When Talking to Children About Death?

When talking to children about death, the most important thing to avoid is euphemisms. While these phrases make sense to adults, they can be confusing and frightening for children.³ They may wonder exactly where the person went, become fearful about going to sleep, or cause them to believe that the deceased is going to return.

When talking to a child about death, avoid using the following euphemisms:

• “He passed away”
• “She’s gone to a better place”
• “They’re with God now”
• “She’s been called home”
• “We put the dog to sleep”
• “He’s resting in peace”

Use direct, clear language such as “He died,” instead. This may sound blunt to adult ears, but is more clear and less frightening for children.

It can be hard to know what to tell a child and when. As a result, many adults give too little information. They may redirect a child when they ask questions about death and dying out of fear that the child isn’t old enough to understand.

Instead, take your child’s questions as a guide post for what they’re ready to know. If they ask a question, answer it using age-appropriate language that is direct and clear.

Children’s Reactions to Talking About Death

Children may respond in many different ways to talking about death. They may cry, become fearful or worried, ask a lot of questions, or appear to have no response. There is no singular or typical reaction to talking about death. Whichever way your child reacts is valid.

It’s important to validate your child’s reaction, and help them narrate it if they’re younger. For example, you might say, “I can see that you feel sad right now. It’s OK to be sad about this. Do you want to tell me about it?” If a child appears to have no reaction, you might say, “It’s OK not to have any thoughts or feelings about this right now. If something comes up later, know that you can come talk to me about it.”

Remember that talking about death should not be a one-time event. If your child seemed particularly sad or scared, follow-up with them a little bit later when they’ve had some time to sit with the information. You might say, “I know that you felt sad the other day when we were talking about death. Do you want to ask me anything about it or talk about it together?”

If your child didn’t appear to have much of a reaction, it’s still important to follow up. You might check in with them by saying “The other day we were talking about death. I wondered if you had questions about that or if you wanted to talk about it with me?”

Why Is it Hard to Talk to Kids About Death?

Talking about death may be difficult for adults, too.1 This could be because of their own experiences or unpleasant memories of talking about death with an adult when they were young. Conversely, they may have no memories of talking about it as a child and feel unprepared to talk about it as an adult. Conversations about death may also act as a reminder of their own mortality.¹¹

It might also be hard to talk to kids about death because the adult is worried about scaring or overwhelming them. They might worry that they won’t be able to answer the child’s questions. Some adults worry that they may show emotions or emotional expressions (such as sadness and crying) that they aren’t comfortable with.

What If I’m Not Ready to Talk About Death With My Child?

If you don’t feel ready to talk about death with your child, it’s important to start by identifying the cause of your hesitancy. Do you feel uncomfortable talking about death in general? Are you worried you won’t know what to say? Are you afraid of how you or your child might react? Identifying what keeps you from feeling ready allows you to make a plan for addressing the cause.

For many adults who don’t feel ready to talk about death with their child, gathering more information can help. Talk to other trusted adults about how they approached the conversation with their child. Remember, you don’t have to know all of the answers or hide your own emotions.

How Therapy Can Help

Many adults have a complicated relationship with death, dying, and grief.¹⁰ Because children’s understanding and outlook on death is influenced by the adults in their lives, being able to comfortably talk about death is important.² Therapy, especially grief counseling, can be helpful in providing you a safe place to examine your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about death.

Therapy can help you process and grieve deaths you’ve experienced that may be making it hard to discuss death with your child. If you or your child’s grief crosses over into persistent complex bereavement disorder or another mood disorder, professional help will be important to relieve those symptoms.

Whether you are talking about death with your child before a death has occurred, or if you’re actively dealing with the death of a loved one, therapists can provide tailored information and support to help you navigate that conversation. An online directory is a great place to start when choosing a therapist.

Final Thoughts

As the adult in a child’s life, you have the ability to help them develop a healthy outlook on death. Talking openly and honestly about death can help them tremendously when they experience the death of a loved one, and can support better mental health later in life.