For many people, the loss of a pet can be just as difficult as the loss of a loved one. People often feel numb, shocked, sad, guilty, angry, and depressed.9 Although the loss of a pet is not usually given the same consideration as the loss of a person, the grief process is similar for both.
Grieving the loss of a pet can be challenging and can impact your day-to-day functioning. Ways to help cope after the death of a pet include memorializing them, writing them a letter, and participating in a pet loss support group. Because pet loss can have a significant impact on your mental health, talking to a therapist can be an important source of support and healing.
Why Does the Loss of a Pet Hurt So Much?
Losing a pet can be extremely painful. In fact, research has shown that losing a pet can be just as or more painful than losing a loved one.9 This is because of the important roles pets play in their owners’ lives. Pets often provide their owners with a sense of unconditional love, understanding, and reciprocal attachment.2 They can also provide a sense of structure, purpose, and being in the moment.
While relationships between humans can be complicated or conditional, the relationship between humans and pets is often much simpler, more predictable, and more stabilizing. Many people rely on their pets as a source of comfort and understanding. One study found that dog owners are more likely to turn towards their dog for support than all other relationships except for romantic partner relationships when they feel upset.5 When a person experiences the loss of a pet, the very relationship they would turn towards is no longer there. The loss of that bond is a key part of what makes the loss of a beloved pet feel so devastating.
The grief that comes from losing a pet can be particularly painful because it is disenfranchised. Disenfranchised grief is experienced by individuals who suffer a loss that is not (or cannot be) openly acknowledged or publicly mourned. Because pet loss is not taken seriously by many, those suffering the loss of a pet may feel the need to hide or minimize their grief. This often compounds the intensity of the grief and may prolong the amount of time a person experiences acute grief.
Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously
Pet loss needs to be taken seriously because of the consequences it can have on people’s mental health, emotional well-being, and ability to function in their daily lives. Studies have found that pet owners may experience depression after the death of their pet.10 People may also experience an increase in depressive or anxious symptoms.11 These symptoms can negatively impact a person’s ability to function on a day to day basis.
Research has also found that the intensity of the grief experienced after pet loss is comparable to the grief experienced by the loss of a person, even 6 months after the loss has occurred.4 As much as 20% of people who experience the loss of a pet continue to experience significant grief a year after their pet has died. It is critical to take pet loss seriously, as much of what prolongs and intensifies the grief process is the lack of validation and understanding people experience when they are grieving the loss of their pet.7
The Grief Process After Losing a Pet
The loss of a pet is grieved very similarly to the loss of human loved ones. It is common to initially experience feelings of shock and numbness. You may also experience sadness, anger, relief, loneliness, freedom, and heartbreak. There is no wrong way to feel as you grieve the loss of your pet. It is normal to have conflicting emotions around a pet’s death, such as heartbreak that they are dead as well as relief that they are no longer in any pain.
Because grief is a reflection of the unique relationship between the pet and a person, each person who had a relationship with the pet may grieve differently. This may include experiencing different emotions, grieving for different lengths of time, and finding different forms of support helpful. The stages of grief, as first described by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, are not an accurate depiction of grief for most people. Don’t be alarmed if you don’t experience any of the stages, experience them in a different order, or otherwise find that your grief process deviates from that model. Grief is a non-linear process that is unique to each person.
Many people report that their grief and accompanying symptoms begin to ease between six months and a year after their pet’s death.12 However, some people grieve for less than six months or more than a year. While there is no time limit on grief, it is important to be aware of how your grief is impacting you. Because grief and depression can sometimes resemble each other, if you continue to experience thoughts, emotions, or other symptoms that significantly impact your functioning after six months, reach out to a mental health professional. They are trained to differentiate between grief and depression and can help you determine if you would benefit from treatment for a depressive disorder.
The loss of a pet can trigger or exacerbate mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress disorders. It is important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional if you experience prolonged symptoms that are negatively impacting your ability to function on a day to day basis. In addition to providing support as you grieve, a mental health professional can help you to address any mental health issues that may have arisen in the wake of your loss.
Even if you’re not sure you might benefit from talking with a mental health professional, reach out to one. They can help you determine whether or not you might benefit from counseling, and suggest other forms of support that may help.
10 Ways to Cope With the Loss of a Pet
When coping with the loss of a pet there are a number of things you can do to support yourself in your grief. Because no two people grieve in exactly the same way, what works for one person might not work for another. This is true even when people are grieving the same pet, such as when the family dog dies. Each member of the family will experience their grief in their own way and may benefit from different rituals, supports, and tools.
Here is a list of 10 ways to help you cope with the loss of a pet:
- Memorialize your pet: Rituals are an important part of the grieving process.11 Hold a memorial service or funeral for your pet, or even an informal wake. It can be private or include close family members or friends. If a family pet has died, include children in the process. Setting aside a dedicated time to remember, honor, and say good-bye is important for individuals of all ages. 0
- Create a scrapbook: Gather pictures or other mementos into a book or box. The process is just as important as the end result, so take your time and include anyone who is grieving the pet’s death in the creation.
- Read about pet loss and grief: One challenging aspect of grief is the isolation many grievers feel. By reading up on pet loss and grief, that sense of isolation can be decreased and make the grieving process more tolerable. It can also help you understand your own grieving process and alleviate some of the anxiety and stress that can come with grief.
- Connect with others who have lost a pet:6 Talking with other people who have lost a pet can provide a sense of support and understanding that can ease some of the pain of grief. Several online resources offer chatrooms to connect with other people who are grieving the loss of a pet.
- Talk with a trusted friend or family member: Talking with a trusted friend or family member, even if they’ve never experienced the loss of a pet, can be helpful. This may be particularly important for children, who will benefit more from talking with a trusted adult than with people they don’t know (i.e. an online support room or hotline).
- Write your pet a letter: Grief can be particularly intense and painful if a pet’s death was sudden, unexpected, or the circumstances around their death were chaotic. The lack of closure or a good good-bye can be very difficult. One way to create a better good-bye is by writing a letter. Include fond memories, any apologies you wish you’d made to your pet, and any thanks you’d like to give them. You may wish to read the letter to someone or keep it to yourself.3
- Make time to remember your pet on significant dates: Remembering your pet may be painful, but doing so on significant dates such as their birthday or gotcha day can be helpful. Make time to remember them, talk about them, or do something they loved such as walk in a favorite part. For children, this can be an important tool to help them understand that while their pet may be gone, they are not forgotten.
- Attend a pet loss support group: Local animal shelters or veterinarian offices may run pet loss support groups where you can meet with others in person who are grieving the loss of a pet.
- Give yourself permission, time, and space to grieve: Although your grief may not be supported or understood by other people, it is important to acknowledge and honor your grief.
- Speak with a therapist: Losing a pet can bring up or intensify underlying issues such as mental health conditions, attachment wounds, and fears around death. If you find that you are struggling, reach out to a therapist. A therapist can help support you both in your grief and in addressing any other issues that have come up in the wake of your loss.
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Making the Hard Decision to Put Your Pet to Sleep
One of the most challenging decisions many pet owners will face in caring for their pet is if and when to put their pet to sleep. Some of the emotions that often accompany this decision process include fear, guilt, relief, and overwhelm. How you decide, and feel about, euthanasia will be influenced by previous experiences with death, your religious and moral values, and sense of control in making the decision.
It is important to work closely with your veterinarian if you are considering euthanasia. They will be able to provide information and support around the decision making process, as well as provide resources that may be helpful after your pet has passed. Filling out an End of Life Values and Goals worksheet, such as the one provided by the University of Tennessee can help you think through the decision. A fact sheet from American Humane can help you learn more about the process, which may ease some of the anxiety and fear around the euthanasia process.
Grieving the Loss of a Pet After Euthanasia
Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia may or may not be different than grieving the loss of a pet due to other circumstances. Some studies have found that people who decide to have their pet euthanized experience grief similarly to those who lose their pets to injury or illness. Other studies have found that those that lose a pet to euthanasia experience more guilt.1
Like all grief, the grief that follows the loss of a pet to euthanasia is ultimately unique to each person. In cases where a person is suffering from a lot of guilt around the decision to euthanize their pet, counseling can be an especially helpful resource.
What to Say to a Friend or Loved One Who Has Lost a Pet
Supporting a friend or family member as they grieve the loss of their pet can be challenging. It can be hard to know what to say to someone experiencing loss. It can also be hard to witness someone you care about as they grieve, because their pain is not something you can magically ease or remove. But support from loved ones is a key part of making the grieving process more bearable for the bereaved. Showing up and offering support, even imperfectly, is better than not showing up at all!
When talking with someone about their loss, it is best to ask open-ended questions, validate their feelings, and listen without judgement. Avoid trying to make them see a silver lining to their loss, saying things that invalidate their relationship with their pet or their grief, or making assumptions about how they are feeling based on your own experiences.
Five Things to Say to a Person Grieving the Loss of a Pet:
- “I am so sorry for your loss.”
- “It’s okay to not be okay right now.”
- “How are you doing?”
- “How can I help you?”
- “I want to support you. What would be most helpful for me to say or do?”
Five Things NOT to Say to a Person Grieving the Loss of a Pet:
- “It was just a dog” (cat, hamster, fish, rabbit etc.), you can always get another one.”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “Don’t feel bad, they’re in a better place now.”
- “At least they didn’t suffer.”
- “Be grateful you had the time together that you did.”
The above lists are only guidelines. Pay attention to how your friend or loved one responds to your words and actions of support. If you’re not sure how your support is being received, ask them! Let them know that you want to support them, and ask them to tell you what they would find most helpful.
For Seniors Dealing With the Loss of a Pet
For many seniors who have pets, the bond they share is deeply impactful. This is particularly true for seniors who otherwise live alone or have few social connections. The pet may serve as a source of emotional support, help create structure in the day, and provide affection, connection, and socialization.9 The pet’s reliance on their caretaker may also give them a sense of purpose and meaning.
A pet’s presence in the life of a senior can help improve their physical and mental health. Thus losing their pet can be extremely challenging to a senior, not only in the intensity of their grief but also in potentially increased mental and physical health symptoms. Furthermore, because grief is cumulative and a loss may trigger many memories of previous losses, seniors who have recently lost a pet may experience particularly intense grief.
A unique aspect to losing a pet while in a later stage of life is that it may not be feasible to get another pet. Seniors who must give up their pet due to moving into a facility that does not allow pets are grieving both the loss of their pet and the fact that they can not have another one. Seniors who remain in their homes may have to consider whether a new pet would outlive them and if they can arrange for the pet to be cared for after their death.
Increased visits with friends and family, as well as counseling, can be especially helpful in supporting seniors navigating life after the loss of a pet.
How To Help a Child Grieve the Loss of a Pet
For many children, the loss of a pet is their first experience with death and grief. A child’s grief reaction to the loss of a pet will vary, primarily based on how strong their attachment was to the pet. Like with adults, a child may grieve the loss of a pet with the same intensity that they would grieve the loss of a loved one.
It is important to include children as much as possible in memorializing and remembering a pet after their death. Studies have found that continuing bonds, defined as maintaining a relationship with the deceased, are an important part of the grief process. Continuing bonds are created through recalling fond memories of the pet, thinking and talking about how the pet impacted them, and possibly keeping some of the pet’s possessions.8
To help a child grieve the loss of a pet, allow them to participate in planning and executing a funeral or memorial service, work with them to create a scrapbook of memories, and make time on significant days to talk about their pet. Answer their questions around death and loss with clear language, and avoid using euphemisms such as the pet “went to sleep.” Encourage them to share how they’re feeling and share what you’re feeling in ways that are developmentally appropriate for the child’s age.
It may be helpful to read books with your child that address pet loss and the subsequent grief. When A Pet Dies by Fred Rogers and The Invisible Leashby Patrice Karst can help normalize and validate a child’s experience, and help a parent talk with their child about their experience. Workbooks such as Remembering My Pet by Nechama Liss-Levinson and Molly Baskette and When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard can help children express themselves and create opportunities for them to share their feelings with a trusted adult. Adults may find When Children Grieve by John James and Russell Friedman to be a helpful resource in learning how to support their child in their grief.
When Is the Right Time to Get a New Pet After a Loss?
There is no universal right time to get a new pet after a loss. It may be the right time a few weeks after the loss, a few years after, somewhere in between, or never. In general, the amount of time that has passed is much less important than what your intentions are in bringing a new pet into your life. Getting a new pet to try to replace the one who has died, or to distract yourself from the grief of your loss, is not advisable.3 Give yourself time to grieve so that you are able to fully engage in the unique relationship with the new pet instead of carrying over feelings or expectations from your previous pet.
Five Questions to Ask Yourself When Considering a New Pet:
- Am I getting a new pet to try to fill the space left by the pet who has died?
- Am I trying to distract myself from my grief?
- Do I feel rushed in making this decision, or pressured by friends or family?
- Am I ready to build a new relationship with a new pet?
- Is everyone in the household ready to get a new pet?
If you answer “yes” to question 1, 2, or 3, it may be best to wait before bringing a new pet into your life. If you answer “no” to questions 1-3 and “yes” to questions 4-5, it might be a good time to begin looking for a new pet to bring home.
For Further Reading
If you or a loved one are dealing with the loss of a pet, the following resources may be helpful:
- The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement provides extensive resources including information for those considering euthanasia, a chatroom, and a directory of pet loss support groups.
- Rainbow Bridge has numerous resources including a chat room with volunteers to provide supportive listening, a list of hotlines for pet loss, and articles with information for specific groups such as empty nesters.
- Chance’s Spot offers a section specifically for helping children grieve the loss of a pet.
- Many veterinary schools offer information on their websites that can be helpful when considering euthansia, as well as helpful information regarding pet loss and grief. One example is Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine.
- Grieivng the Loss of a Cat
