Grieving the Loss of a Pet: 10 Ways to Cope

Why Does the Loss of a Pet Hurt So Much?

Pets often provide their owners with a sense of unconditional love, understanding, and reciprocal attachment.² They can also provide a sense of structure, purpose, and presence. This is why the loss of that bond can be devastating.

While relationships between humans are complicated, the relationship between humans and pets is often much simpler and more stabilizing. Many people rely on their pets as a source of comfort and understanding. One study found that dog owners are more likely to turn towards their dog for support than all other relationships except for romantic partners.⁵ That may be why grieving after losing a dog can be so intense.

Disenfranchised Grief

Grief from losing a pet can be particularly painful because it’s disenfranchised. Disenfranchised grief is experienced by individuals who suffer a loss that isn’t (or can’t be) openly acknowledged or publicly mourned. Pet loss isn’t always taken seriously, those suffering may feel the need to hide or minimize their grief. This often compounds the intensity, prolonging the experience.

Why We Need to Take Pet Loss Seriously

It’s critical to take pet loss seriously, as much of what prolongs and intensifies the grief process is lack of validation and understanding.⁷ The consequence of pet loss can impact a person’s mental health, emotional well-being, and ability to function. Studies show that pet owners may experience depression after the death of their pet.¹⁰ People may also experience an increase in depressive or anxious symptoms.¹¹

The Grief Process After Losing a Pet

It is normal to have conflicting emotions around a pet’s death, such as heartbreak that they’re dead as well as relief that they are no longer in any pain. Because grief is a reflection of the unique relationship between the pet and a person, each person who had a relationship with the pet may grieve differently.

Common feelings after losing a pet include:

• Shock
• Numbness
• Sadness
• Anger
• Relief
• Loneliness
• Freedom
• Heartbreak

Some people with talk about the stages of grief after losing a pet, and that can be a helpful way to think through your emotions and responses. But don’t be alarmed if you don’t experience any of the stages, experience them in a different order, or otherwise find that your grief process deviates from that model. Grief is a non-linear process that is unique to each person.

How Long Is the Grief Process After Losing a Pet

Many people report that their grief and accompanying symptoms begin to ease between six months to a year after their pet’s death.¹² However, some people grieve for less than six months or more than a year. Roughly 20% of people who experience the loss of a pet continue to experience significant grief a year after their pet has died.⁴

10 Ways to Cope With the Loss of a Pet

When coping with the loss of a pet, each member of the family will experience their grief in their own way and may benefit from different rituals, supports, and tools. Ways to cope with the loss of a pet include creating a memorial, scrapbooking, and connecting with others who understand.

Here are 10 ways to cope with the loss of a pet:

1. Memorialize Your Pet

Rituals are an important part of the grieving process.¹¹ Hold a memorial service or funeral for your pet, or even an informal wake. It can be private or include close family members or friends. If a family pet has died, include children in the process. Setting aside a dedicated time to remember, honor, and say goodbye is important for individuals of all ages.

2. Create a Scrapbook

Gather pictures or other mementos into a book or box. The process is just as important as the end result, so take your time and include anyone who is grieving the pet’s death in the creation.

3. Read About Pet Loss & Grief

One challenging aspect of grief is the isolation many grievers feel. By reading up on pet loss and grief, that sense of isolation can be decreased and make the grieving process more tolerable. It can also help you understand your own grieving process and alleviate some anxiety and stress.

4. Connect With Others Who Have Lost a Pet

Talking with other people who have lost a pet can provide a sense of support and understanding that can ease some of the pain of grief. Several online resources offer chatrooms to connect with other people who are grieving the loss of a pet.⁶

5. Talk With a Trusted Friend or Family Member

Talking with a trusted friend or family member, even if they’ve never experienced the loss of a pet, can be helpful. This may be particularly important for children, who will benefit more from talking with a trusted adult than with people they don’t know (i.e., an online support room or hotline).

6. Write Your Pet a Letter

Grief can be particularly intense and painful if a pet’s death was sudden, unexpected, or the circumstances around their death were chaotic. The lack of closure can be very difficult. One way to create a better goodbye is by writing a letter. Include fond memories, any apologies you wish you’d made, and thanks you’d like to give them. You may wish to read the letter to someone or keep it to yourself.³

7. Make Time to Remember Your Pet On Significant Dates

Remembering your pet may be painful, but doing so on significant dates such as their birthday or “gotcha day” can be helpful. Make time to remember them, talk about them, or do something they loved such as walk in a favorite park. For children, this can be an important tool to help them understand that while their pet may be gone, they’re not forgotten.

8. Attend a Pet Loss Support Group

Local animal shelters or veterinarian offices may run pet loss support groups where you can meet with others in person who are grieving the loss of a pet.

9. Give Yourself Permission, Time, & Space to Grieve

Although your grief may not be supported or understood by other people, it is important to acknowledge and honor your grief. Give yourself all the time and space you need to fully grieve your loss.

10. Speak With a Therapist

Losing a pet can bring up or intensify underlying issues such as mental health conditions, attachment wounds, and fears around death. If you are struggling, reach out to a therapist. They can help you address your grief and any other issues, such as anxiety, depression, and traumatic stress disorders

When to Talk to a Therapist

Seek help from a qualified mental health professional if you experience prolonged symptoms (more than 6 months) that negatively impact your ability to function on a daily basis. In addition to providing support, a mental health professional can help you address any mental health issues that may have arisen in the wake of your loss and differentiate between grief vs. depression.

How to Find a Therapist

The first step in choosing a therapist is knowing where to look. If you are ready to consider finding a therapist, start your search in a free online directory.

Making the Hard Decision to Put Your Pet to Sleep

One of the most challenging decisions pet owners can face is whether (and when) to put their pet to sleep. How you decide and feel about euthanasia will be influenced by previous experiences with death, your religious and moral values, and your sense of control.

Emotions that accompany this decision include:

• Fear
• Guilt
• Relief
• Overwhelm

Work closely with your veterinarian if considering euthanasia. They’ll be able to provide information and support. Filling out an End of Life Values and Goals worksheet can help you think through the decision. A fact sheet from American Humane can help you learn more about the process, which may ease anxiety.

Grieving the Loss of a Pet After Euthanasia

Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia may or may not be different than grieving the loss of a pet due to other circumstances. Some studies have found that people who decide to have their pet euthanized experience grief similarly to those who lose their pets to injury or illness. Other studies have found that those who lose a pet to euthanasia experience more guilt.¹

Like all grief, the grief that follows the loss of a pet to euthanasia is ultimately unique to each person. In cases where a person is suffering from a lot of guilt around the decision to euthanize their pet, counseling can be an especially helpful resource.

What to Say to a Friend or Loved One Who Has Lost a Pet

It’s hard to know how to help a grieving friend or  what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, including a pet. It can also be hard to witness someone you care about as they grieve. That said, support from loved ones is a key part of making the grieving process more bearable for the bereaved. Showing up and offering support, even imperfectly, is better than not showing up at all!

When talking with someone about their loss, ask open-ended questions, validate their feelings, and listen without judgment. Pay attention to how your friend or loved one responds to your words and actions of support. If you’re not sure how your support is being received, ask them!

Here are five things to say to a person grieving the loss of a pet:

• “I am so sorry for your loss.”
• “It’s okay to not be okay right now.”
• “How are you doing?”
• “How can I help you?”
• “I want to support you. What would be most helpful for me to say or do?”

Avoid trying to make them see a silver lining to their loss, saying things that invalidate their relationship with their pet or their grief, or making assumptions about how they feel based on your own experiences.

Here are five things not to say to someone grieving the loss of a pet:

1. “It was just a dog” (cat, hamster, fish, rabbit, etc.), you can always get another one.”
2. “I know exactly how you feel.”
3. “Don’t feel bad, they’re in a better place now.”
4. “At least they didn’t suffer.”
5. “Be grateful you had the time together that you did.”

For Seniors Dealing With the Loss of a Pet

Many seniors share a deep bond with their pet. This is particularly true for seniors who live alone or have few social connections. The pet may serve as a source of emotional support, provide purpose, help create structure, and provide affection, connection, and socialization.⁹

Losing a pet can be extremely challenging for seniors due to increased mental and physical health symptoms of grief. Furthermore, because grief is cumulative and loss may trigger memories of previous losses, seniors who lose a pet may experience particularly intense grief. Losing a pet later in life also means that it may not be feasible to get another.

Increased visits with friends and family, as well as counseling, can be especially helpful in supporting seniors to navigate life after the loss of a pet.

How To Help a Child Grieve the Loss of a Pet

For many children, the loss of a pet is their first experience with death and grief. A child’s grief reaction to the loss of a pet will vary, primarily based on how strong their attachment was to the pet. Like with adults, a child may grieve the loss of a pet with the same intensity that they would grieve the loss of a loved one.

Here are ways to help a child grieve the loss of a pet:

• As much as possible, include children in memorializing and remembering a pet after their death
• Recall fond memories, think and talk about the pet’s impact, and possibly keep some of the pet’s possessions8
• Allow them to participate in planning a funeral or memorial service
• Work with them to create a scrapbook of memories
• Make time on significant days to talk about their pet
• Answer their questions around death and loss with clear language
• Avoid using euphemisms such as the pet “went to sleep”
• Encourage them to share how they’re feeling
• Share what you’re feeling in developmentally appropriate ways

When Is the Right Time to Get a New Pet After a Loss?

There is no “right” time to get a new pet after a loss. In general, the amount of time that has passed is less important than what your intentions are in bringing a new pet into your life. Give yourself time to grieve so that you’re able to fully engage in the unique relationship vs. carrying over feelings or expectations from your previous pet.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself When Considering a New Pet

Getting a new pet to try to replace the one who has died, or to distract yourself from the grief of your loss, is not advisable.³

Here are five questions to ask when considering a new pet:

1. Am I getting a new pet to try to fill the space left by the pet who has died?
2. Am I trying to distract myself from my grief?
3. Do I feel rushed in making this decision, or pressured by friends or family?
4. Am I ready to build a new relationship with a new pet?
5. Is everyone in the household ready to get a new pet?

If you answer “yes” to question 1, 2, or 3, it may be best to wait before bringing a new pet into your life. If you answer “no” to questions 1-3 and “yes” to questions 4-5, it might be a good time to begin looking for a new pet to bring home.

Final Thoughts on Grieving the Loss of a Pet

Coping with the death of a pet can be incredibly difficult and should not be overlooked or underplayed. Make sure you take time to grieve properly, and reach out for help from a trusted loved one or a therapist if you’re having trouble moving on.