How to Deal With the Death of a Parent

Here are 15 healthy ways to cope with the loss of a parent:

1. Follow Your Instincts

So many people struggle with the process of grief and loss because they feel like they are doing it incorrectly. They worry that their feelings are “wrong” and other people would handle the situation differently. Other people may feel pressure to hold back their emotions and push them down. These people may think they need to be strong, stoic, and “the rock” for others who are also dealing with the loss.

It is always problematic when a person acts in disingenuous or inauthentic ways. Instead, you should focus on trusting your instincts and identifying your feelings regarding the situation. The grief will guide the way. Your job is to listen.¹

2. Give Yourself Time to Adjust

Your relationships with your parents are complex and profound, and it is the longest bond you know. Regardless of your relationship, when you have to face this type of loss it evokes many memories and can leave you feeling in a fog-like state and badly shaken. Our parental relationships shape who we are and can deeply influence our life choices and personalities.

Because of all these factors, it is important to give yourself plenty of time to adjust after losing a parent. You need to give yourself permission and space to feel all the emotions that will bubble up after learning a parent has died. Allowing yourself time to adjust and cope will help begin the healing process. Often, adult children must go through their parents’ possessions and help with estate and legal necessities, which also takes time, and can make the loss feel more deep and painful. It can also create a flood of memories as you go through this process which can feel overwhelming, so giving yourself space after completing those tasks will be important.

3. Let Yourself Experience the Pain

Loss hurts, but not everyone will experience the hurt the same way at the same time. In fact, two siblings could have completely different experiences following the death of a parent.

Whatever you’re feeling, you should feel comfortable and confident letting it out. If you are sad, you can cry. If you are angry, you should feel free to yell into a pillow or while you’re driving the car. If you are confused, let yourself be confused.²

Failing to express your feelings only serves to keep the emotions bottled up, and instead of resolving over time, they tend to fester and grow. Letting out some sadness, confusion, frustration, and shame in controlled ways now is always preferable to more intense emotions coming out later.

4. Remember That Grief Can Show Up as a Variety of Emotions

Grief manifests itself in a variety of ways and can evoke a multitude of emotions. Part of the way grief is experienced is based on the closeness and nature of the relationship with the deceased parent, as well as how they died. Some of the most common emotions associated with grief include sadness, depression, guilt, helplessness, relief, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and abandonment.

If the death was sudden or unexpected this can cause more trauma for the bereaved. Additional emotions that may occur with trauma include shock, rage, disbelief, numbness, yearning, and confusion. All of these emotions are normal and to be expected when dealing with the loss of such a fundamental relationship, so don’t judge yourself if you experience a host of emotions.

5. Tell Others What You Need

After a loss, you will need the support of family and friends to comfort you and assist you through this process.¹
Being around people and discussing the loss can help you understand and accept the situation more readily. People don’t always know what to say to someone who has lost a parent, so it’s OK to be clear and let them know what you need, especially if they’re not being helpful.

When a loved one dies, many people will offer assistance as a formality, but you should accept as many offers as possible to reduce the stress and weight on yourself.

Seek out the support of others by:

• Meeting friends and loved ones for meals or gatherings
• Calling, texting, and messaging supports for comfort
• Asking people to help complete overwhelming or confusing tasks, like issues related to wills and insurance policies
• Looking for assistance with regular chores and responsibilities that have become a struggle to accomplish
• Accepting offers to prepare meals or run errands

Along the way, recognize that you will need time to yourself, and telling people that you would prefer to be alone that day is perfectly fine. Just be sure to reschedule for the near future.

6. Share Memories of Your Parent With Loved Ones

Sharing memories and stories about your parent after they have died is a way of memorializing them. It helps to begin to acknowledge their death and is an early step in the healing process. The act of sharing memories with loved ones helps to crystalize the meaning of your relationship, understand the nature of your relationship, and determine what aspects of it hold special significance.

Sharing memories is a means of keeping the connections with parents alive with future generations. In addition, your act of sharing memories opens the door for other loved ones to share their memories and begin processing their grief, too. This can bring comfort to all who participate. You may also learn new things about your parents through the sharing of  beloved stories and memories.

7. Focus on Your Living Parent

Your relationship with your living parent may be altered with the death of a parent. It may mean you have to assume more of a caregiver role for the first time. Focusing on your living parent can help you both grieve and can also help begin the healing process. In addition, many people view their role as caring for their living parent as a way to honor their deceased parent. It is something you may believe your deceased parent would want you to do, and it can be an important time to strengthen an existing relationship, redefine it, or repair issues that have created conflict in the past.

8. Remember That Others Are Taking Their Cue From You

When a parent dies, family and friends are focused on how to help their closest grieving relatives. People are often uncertain about what to say or do for fear of saying the wrong thing, and attention is often placed on the bereaved adult children immediately after a parent’s death. People will take their cues from you about how they can best respond and lend their support.

Think carefully about who the people are whom you feel comfortable and safe with. Ask yourself who can lend support and allow you to express your feelings and needs. If you can, identify tasks that need to be taken care of and determine who is the best person to help with specific responsibilities you will need to manage in the days ahead.

Here are some thoughts about what people who are grieving the loss of a parent may need from friends and family to help them cope:

• A safe space with people who are good listeners who will be there to let you say and feel whatever you need to without expressing any judgment.
• Someone to help you to acknowledge the nature and magnitude of your loss.
• Someone who can offer compassion regardless of what you are feeling.

9. Avoid Making Any Big Decisions for Awhile

The death of a parent is one of the biggest losses you will experience in your lifetime regardless of your age. Many people go into a sort of survival mode after a parent’s death, whether it was anticipated or not. People can become numb or become immobilized after such a major loss. For those who are caregivers for their parents this is especially challenging because your role as a caregiver may have been such a large part of your identity.

Grief experts recommend that you do not make any major decisions or life changes after the death of a close loved one. Grief and the emotions that stem from it can cloud your judgment and negatively impact your ability to make sound choices. It is recommended you wait six months to a year before you make any life-changing decisions.

When parents die you may need to make decisions about their possessions and even their home, which are physical reminders they are gone.  People may impulsively feel inclined to get rid of their parent’s possessions because it may be painful to see them. Many people have regrets later on about impulsive choices that were made. These regrets can occur as the intensity and symptoms of your grief begin to lessen and you begin to create a “new normal.” You can store possessions if necessary to allow yourself time to consider what is best when you have more clarity.

10. Look After Your Physical Health

No matter the situation, stress grows when you don’t tend to your physical health needs. As physical health fades, maintaining your mental health will be more challenging.

To prioritize your mental health:²

• Eat healthy foods
• Exercise
• Get plenty of rest

You may fall into poor patterns of eating and sleeping too much or too little, so always aim for moderation. Speaking of moderation, you should avoid excessive substance use. Drinking alcohol, overusing prescription drugs, or using illicit drugs may seem to offer a quick fix to feelings of grief, but in the long-term, they only compound the problem.

11. Find Ways to Remember & Celebrate Your Parent

Birthdays, holidays, and death anniversaries tend to be painful days in the years after a parent dies; however, you can take control of negative feelings like the anniversary effect by finding ways to remember and celebrate your parents.

You can honor your parent by:

• Prepare their favorite meal on their birthday
• Plant a tree or flower in their memory
• Donate your time or money to a cause they believed in
• Visit their favorite destination
• Share memorable stories
• Spend time engaging in their favorite hobby or activity
• Listen to a song or watch a movie that reminds you of them

These moments may bring about sadness, but that’s expected. Permit yourself some time to feel however you need to before shifting the focus back to positive remembrance.¹

12. Reinvest Your Emotional Energy

Grief takes time, energy, and effort. When the symptoms of grief begin to alleviate, people find themselves unsure how to spend their resources.

This point is pivotal in grief and loss because reinvesting your emotional energy for something productive and positive can result in tremendous growth. On the other hand, falling into bad habits at this point could perpetuate grief and complicate the situation.

Since there is no singular way to reinvest your energy, you can:

• Work to strengthen old or establish new friendships
• Set out to complete a home project
• Spend time volunteering or advocating for an important cause
• Study a new language or take a class
• Travel

13. Prepare for Emotions to Re-emerge

The experience of grief and loss is not linear. You could notice several symptoms presenting, going away, and then returning. Re-emerging emotions does not mean that you are doing something wrong. It only means that there was some unresolved aspect of that feeling that needs more attention.

14. Attend a Grief Support Group

Although no one will know exactly what you are going through, a support group can be a great way to come together with others who have encountered a loss. Attending a support group can remind you that the experiences of grief and loss are universal. They can help you feel connected to others and yourself, and remind you that you are not alone in your grief.

15. Consider Grief Therapy

Most people will not require professional treatment following the loss of a parent, but about 15-30% of people will experience complex grief reactions.³ Whether the feelings stem from grief or depression, a mental health professional can accurately identify the causes and offer interventions to relieve symptoms and improve the person’s health and well-being.

How Long Does Grief Usually Last After the Death of a Parent?

Experts find that symptoms related to grief and loss tend to peak and begin remitting around six months after the loss occurs.³ Determining how long grief usually lasts after the death of a parent is a complicated number to predict, though. Some people will note their grief rapidly improving after the six-month point, and others will see their grief drag on for many months. However, most people will report symptoms that completely resolve within the first year or two after their parent’s death.³

When Grief Becomes Depression

Depression is a normal part of the grieving process, but major depressive disorder is something different from grief. Since depression often looks like grief and grief often looks like depression, it can be challenging to know when a person’s reaction to grief becomes a mental health disorder.

To differentiate between the grief vs. depression, consider the following:³

With grief:

• Unwanted feelings come and go with less intensity and duration over time
• The primary feeling is emptiness
• Self-esteem and self-worth are normally unchanged
• Thoughts of death and suicide normally involve a strong desire to be with the parent

With depression:

• Mood and thoughts of the future are constantly negative
• The primary feeling is depression, while being unable to experience pleasure or happiness
• Self-esteem sinks as feelings of worthlessness rise
• Suicidal thoughts and gestures are more connected to the person and not their parent

Signs That It’s Time to Seek Professional Help

If someone is confused about their feelings or is experiencing a depressive disorder, they should seek a consultation from the mental health professional immediately. For example, seek help if you experience signs of complicated grief or persistent complex bereavement disorder.

Signs of complicated grief include:

• Inhibited grief, marked by very little reaction to the death
• Delayed grief, which occurs when typical grief symptoms begin much later than expected
• Chronic grief, where intense symptoms last more than two years
• Distorted grief, marked by extremely strong or unusual symptoms of grief
• Intense sorrow and longing for the deceased parent
• Avoidance of reminders associated with the loss
• Identity and role confusion
• Emotionally numbness
• Lack of desire to pursue new interests
• Difficulty trusting
• Bitterness or anger about the loss
• Difficulty maintaining current or investing in relationships
• Feeling that life is meaningless since the loss
• Feelings of shock or confusion (sometimes called grief brain)

Signs of persistent complex bereavement disorder include:

• Preparing meals or setting places at the table for the deceased person
• Saying that there’s no reason to live without them
• Saying they are unsure who they are now that the loved one has died
• Appearing very angry, irritable, and aggressive
• Talking about the loved one like they’re still alive
• Refusing to complete tasks involved with the death
• Isolating from friends, family, or meaningful activities

How Long Does Treatment For Grief Last?

The process of grief may take years, but that does not mean that treatment will be required for the same timeframe. In many situations, a therapist can work as a guide to evaluate a person’s grieving process, offer suggestions and guidance, and discontinue treatment when the client is comfortable.

How to Find a Therapist

Finding a therapist with experience in grief and loss is as easy as reaching out to the nearest community agency, doctor’s office, or private practitioner. Before beginning treatment, be sure to interview the therapist to assess their comfort and competency in dealing with grief. You can review therapists’ profiles using an online therapist directory in order to find someone you feel comfortable with.

5 Ways to Support a Loved One Dealing With the Loss of a Parent

Watching a friend or loved one experience the pain that comes with the death of a parent is challenging. You want to help, but everything you come up with seems insignificant or misguided.

Here are five ways to help a grieving friend or family member who loses a parent:³

1. Show You Care

Sometimes the best thing you can be is present. Speak clearly and calmly. Express the way you feel about your loved one and their loss. Meanwhile, be sure to use positive nonverbal communication skills with good eye contact and posture. These actions help keep your loved one feel cared for and not judged.

2. Ask a Lot of Questions & Be Sure to Listen

At the beginning of the grief and loss process, your loved one may need to tell and retell their story. Let them! Before sitting down with them, you might prepare by thinking about what to say to someone who has lost a parent, but remember, your job is to listen intently with warmth and compassion.

3. Keep the Focus on Them

Of course, you can share your own experience with death and grief, but saying too much about your experience can make others feel like they are doing something incorrectly. Stay focused on their experience, their thoughts and feelings. Try not to offer advice unless they specifically ask for it.

4. Brainstorm Ideas

Ask your loved one how you can help. Initially, they may reject your offers or claim they don’t know how you can help. To counteract this, spend some time brainstorming ideas and be sure to follow through with them. It will be your job to maintain a schedule and arrange the planning, since they will have other things on their mind.

5. Know Your Limits

It is never a good idea for one person to try to offer too much help and assistance to your loved one. If you see that they are struggling with grief and loss, kindly and gently suggest that they seek out counseling. By offering to attend with them or provide transportation, you can remind them that they are not alone.

Final Thoughts on Coping With the Death of a Parent

Coping with the death of a parent is a challenging situation, and one that needs attention. By pursuing healthy coping skills and having supportive people around you, you have a better chance of processing your grief. It’s your chance to put a positive spin on a negative situation.