Fawning: The Fawn Response to Trauma Explained

What Is Fawning?

Fawning refers to a trauma response of appeasing, people-pleasing, and submissive behaviors.¹ It is one of four response options (i.e., fight, flight, freeze, fawn), that the part of the brain which is responsible for survival will choose from when faced with prolonged interpersonal trauma.

At their core, all trauma responses have a healthy or adaptive goal – that being to survive and protect oneself, and possibly others too, in the face of serious threat. The fawn trauma response is a means to try to ingratiate oneself with the abuser (who is the source of trauma), to “keep the peace” and try to reduce the intensity and frequency of violence or abuse.

Why Do People Develop a Fawn Response?

A person may develop a fawn response when they are in a situation where their mind deems that the chances of winning a fight against their abuser, escaping, or avoiding abuse through freezing, are low or non-existent.  The fawn response is a survival strategy in situations where the brain has determined that the best chance of survival is to please and appease the perpetrator.

Many perpetrators of abuse and neglect show narcissistic traits.  They have little thought for others’ needs and show a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness.  The fawn response aligns with the abuser’s sense of superiority as the trauma survivor takes steps to soothe their abuser’s fragile ego and engages in non-confrontational and submissive behaviors to try to minimize the chances they will be seen as a threat.

Types of trauma that can lead to a fawning response include any prolonged situation in which a relationship power difference is present, and the perpetrator uses their power via threats, abuse, violence, and/or neglect to manipulate and control others in a cycle of abuse.

Some examples of traumatic experiences that can elicit a fawning stress response include:

• Childhood trauma
• Domestic violence
• Bullying
• Racism
• Hostage-taking or kidnapping
• Human trafficking
• Prisoner of war
• Cults (or abusive religious communities)

Signs of the Fawn Response

The fawn response can occur when one is exposed to interpersonal trauma, and it often co-occurs with a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD.  It is characterized by people-pleasing and appeasing behaviors specifically towards the perpetrator, but might also generalize to all of the trauma survivor’s interactions with others.

Common signs of fawning in adults and children might include:

• Being overly apologetic
• Unable to say “no” (to anyone) – since they don’t feel they have the right to boundaries and choices and have come to associate saying “no” with escalating abuse/trauma
• Assuming responsibility for another person’s emotional reactions and mood
• Trying to predict and actively avoid behaviors that might upset others
• Avoiding talking about issues that would upset the abuser
• Excessive complimenting of the abuser
• Smiling or laughing while talking about a painful experience (in an attempt to minimize their pain)
• Ignoring their own needs, wants, and feelings – some might be totally disconnected from their own bodily experiences of physical sensations and emotions
• Blaming themself for the abuse – believing they deserved it
• Holding onto the hope that if they are perfect or “good enough” or can say the right words, the abuse will stop
• In denial about the abuse.  Might actively try to forget about it and instead focus on the “potential” or good qualities of their abuser.

In children, fawning responses might also include:

• Taking over parental roles and being super-responsible – e.g., housekeeping, finances, taking care of younger siblings
• Never asking for what they need and not allowing themselves to want anything
• Never showing anger, sadness, or hurt in front of others. (Crying alone and silently so that no one notices).
• Low self-esteem and self-confidence

How to Know If You’re Fawning

Questions to ask if you are wondering whether you are fawning include:

• Am I constantly doing things for others at the expense of my own mental or physical health?
• Do I feel like I don’t have the right to say “no” or set boundaries with others?
• Do I feel responsible for the moods of people around me?
• Do I ignore or deny my own needs and feelings?
• Am I often apologizing to others for things I have no responsibility for?

Fawn Trauma Response Interventions

Healing from the fawn PTSD response will likely require working with a skilled trauma therapist.  If you are still living in an unsafe, traumatic environment, the first step will involve safety planning.  Trauma processing cannot happen while living in an abusive environment because you will still require your defenses to survive.

Healing from PTSD or complex PTSD with the help of a therapist who specializes in trauma will typically include several of the following interventions:

• Education about how the mind and body respond during trauma and symptoms of acute stress disorder, PTSD, and complex PTSD
• Normalizing and compassionately understanding how you responded to the trauma
• Processing important parts of your trauma story (i.e., emotionally, cognitively, somatically, and/or spiritually)
• Identifying and rewriting negative beliefs about the self-related to your trauma experience
• Identifying and working on relationship skills (e.g., boundaries, how to deal with conflict)
• Developing self-care and distress tolerance strategies

Both single-event and prolonged or multi-event traumas are usually treated using the same trauma therapies.

9 Ways to Heal From the Fawn Trauma Response

Here are nine ways to heal from the fawn trauma response:

1. Become Aware of Your Fawning Behavior

Fawning would have been required for survival when you were living through trauma, but outside of that context, it can interfere with healing, developing a healthy sense of self, and healthy relationships with others.  Start to notice your pattern of fawning behaviors – when, how, and with whom you are still using these behaviors.  Try to approach this through a lens of curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.

2. Let Go of Any Shame

Accept that the survival part of your brain made the decision that the fawn response provided you with the best chance of surviving the trauma.  It wasn’t a conscious choice.  If you feel shame regarding how you responded to the perpetrator, set the intention to let it go.  The shame does not belong to you.  You did what you had to do to survive.

3. Find a Therapist

PTSD symptoms and the fawning response do not go away on their own.  Healing requires trauma therapy that will help rewire parts of the mind and body stuck in reliving trauma. This will allow you to live in the present and make choices about your behaviors rather than continuously reacting and reliving your trauma experiences whenever you are faced with a reminder.

There are several types of trauma therapies: EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, IFS, and CPT are some examples. It is important to find a therapy approach and therapist that fit for you. You can explore options for finding a therapist that offers both in-person and online therapy options. An online therapist directory can be a tool to help you to find a therapist who meets your needs. Many therapists offer a no-cost initial brief phone call or meeting to tell you about their approach and answer questions so that you can determine whether they would be the right person for you to work with.

There is a difference between trauma-informed therapy and actual trauma therapies.  A therapist who uses trauma-informed therapy has an awareness that many people have experienced trauma and thus tries to ensure their interactions with all clients are safe, respectful, transparent, collaborative, and involve clear boundaries.  Actual trauma therapies themselves are those for which there is evidence of decreased distress and PTSD symptoms following treatment.

4. Start with Noticing & Honoring Basic Needs

Being in a prolonged trauma situation puts your body and mind into survival mode. In such an environment, your most basic needs can feel like a source of shame and vulnerability that might draw attention and punishment from the abuser.  Thus, many trauma survivors learn to ignore basic needs.

To heal from your trauma and reestablish a healthy connection with your body, you can start by noticing and honoring your most basic needs:²

• When you are hungry, take the time to eat
• When you need to go to the bathroom, do not postpone it or ignore it
• When you are tired, take the time to rest or sleep

As you start to address basic needs, your body will realize that you are moving out of survival mode, and it is safe to provide you with more feedback about what you need to heal and be healthy.

5. Recognize That Anger Has a Purpose

You might be afraid of anger and try to avoid it at all costs, particularly if anger is associated with violence and/or threats.  Consider that anger can be separate from violence, and the emotion of anger has an important purpose, such as letting us know when an important boundary is being threatened or violated.

Learning to notice, acknowledge, and choose how to respectfully and effectively convey anger – without attacking or threatening another person, is part of healing.  Anger can also be a sign of health because it shows that a part of you knows that you deserve better – and that your needs and boundaries are important.

6. Accept That Abuse is Never Deserved

In the face of ongoing trauma, believing you deserve the abuse can give you hope that you have some influence over the abuser, and if you could just say the right words or be “good enough” in specific ways (e.g., cleaning the house, in a specific sport or in academics, in appearance, etc.), then the abuser would change their ways and the trauma would end.

If, on the other hand, you had accepted that there was nothing you could do, or strive for, to try to make the abuser understand and stop the trauma, you would have been left with unbearable hopelessness and despair.  Thus, for survival purposes, many trauma survivors accepted that they deserved the abuse to cling to hope that they could fix the situation with their efforts.

In healing, however, it is time to recognize that this survival response is no longer in your best interest, and in fact, the perpetrator was responsible for their behaviors and choices. No one deserves abuse – ever.  That includes you.

7.  Allow For Complex Reactions to the Abuser

Allowing for complex reactions to the abuse is often important to healing and moving past the fawn response.  It involves recognizing and honoring that you might hold two very different reactions to the abusive person in your life – and if so, both are valid.  Healing and moving forward can get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking.

It is not uncommon for people to love and admire some of the qualities of the abuser and to treasure memories of moments of kindness and caring – while at the same time feeling anger/rage, terror, dislike, or hatred toward the abuser for the trauma they have caused. Both responses are valid.  One does not negate the other.  Accepting this complexity can provide a sense of relief.

8.  Find Support

Living in a complex trauma situation can be incredibly frightening, isolating, and lonely.  Healing needs to be different.  In addition to your therapist, you might want to begin to look around you for safe and supportive people with whom you can share your reclaimed self and life, as well as parts of your healing journey.

For some, support will be found in a peer or therapy group with individuals who have experienced a similar type of trauma.  For others, there might be a friend or loved one who has been through something similar (or is a compassionate and supportive person) to whom you feel safe talking.

9. Engage in Self-Care

Making time to identify and do the things that give you comfort and joy and improve your health and well-being are an important part of healing.  In survival mode, there is often little time or energy for these things. Self-care is another way to help your body and mind recognize that you are moving out of survival mode and into healing.

Some examples of self-care, beyond addressing basic needs, are:

• Doing yoga, going for a walk, or exercising in some other way that you enjoy
• Doing something you enjoy with friends
• Journaling
• Going to therapy
• Spending time in nature

In My Experience

One of the first clues that a person has survived trauma through the fawn response is that they tend to smile and laugh when telling their trauma story.  When this happens, I will gently share my observations of how their facial expressions and laughter don’t seem to match the pain of their story – and explain how trying to minimize one’s own pain is often a trauma survival strategy.

I let these clients know that what happened to them matters and that I am sorry they experienced their trauma.  I remind them they could have done nothing to deserve the neglect and/or abuse.  I also let them know that it is safe to talk about and express their feelings – all of them – in therapy.

With their permission, I briefly summarize how the mind and body respond to and are affected by trauma and the four potential trauma responses.  They typically express surprise and relief because this information allows them to make sense of their experiences differently.

Over the course of therapy, these clients tend to experience healing from their trauma as indicated by a reduction/elimination of PTSD symptoms and can:

• Experience all of their emotions as valid – including complex reactions to their abuser
• Talk about painful experiences with facial expressions and behaviors that match their story
• See themselves and their trauma responses in a more compassionate light
• Recognize and appreciate their own courage, strength, and resiliency
• Engage in self-care and “listen” to and honor their own needs
• Develop healthy relationship skills
• Be in previously triggering situations and not have a trauma response