Fawning is an adaptive survival response to prolonged or complex trauma. The fawn response is characterized by placating and appeasing behavior directed toward the perpetrator of abuse, in an attempt to reduce their volatility and abusiveness towards oneself and/or others (e.g., children, siblings, family pets).
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What Is Fawning?
The fawn trauma response refers to appeasing, people-pleasing, and submissive behaviors geared toward an abuser.1 Essentially, individuals ingratiate themselves with the abuser to “keep the peace” or reduce the intensity or frequency of violence. Fawning is one of four responses (i.e., fight, flight, freeze, fawn) responsible for survival when faced with prolonged interpersonal trauma.
What Causes a Fawn Trauma Response?
A person may develop a fawn response when the chances of winning a fight against, escaping, or avoiding their abuser are low or non-existent. Fawning occurs when the brain determines that pleasing or appeasing a perpetrator offers the highest chance of survival.
Many perpetrators of abuse and neglect have narcissistic traits, showing little thought for others and a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. The fawn response aligns with their sense of superiority as the trauma survivor soothes their fragile ego through non-confrontational and submissive behaviors.
Many forms of trauma can influence a fawning response, such as being in a relationship based on power imbalances. For example, a perpetrator exerts power via threats, abuse, violence, or neglect to manipulate and control others in a cycle of abuse.
Possible fawning trauma response causes include:
- Childhood trauma
- Domestic violence
- Bullying
- Racism
- Hostage-taking or kidnapping
- Human trafficking
- Being a prisoner of war
- Cults (or abusive religious communities)
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Half of people diagnosed with OCD have experienced a traumatic life event. For some people, OCD symptoms can emerge as a direct response to a specific traumatic event. The persistent stress and anxiety resulting from these situations can trigger intrusive thoughts and increase the frequency and intensity of compulsive behaviors. If you’re struggling with trauma and OCD, NOCD therapists can help. NOCD is covered by many insurance plans. Visit NOCD
Common Fawn Response Examples
The fawn response can occur when individuals experience interpersonal trauma, often alongside a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD. People often gear fawning specifically toward the perpetrator but may also generalize the behavior toward others.
Common fawn trauma response examples include:
- Being overly apologetic
- Unable to say “no” (to anyone)
- Assuming responsibility for another person’s emotional reactions and mood
- Trying to predict and actively avoid behaviors that might upset others
- Avoiding talking about issues that would trigger the abuser
- Excessive complimenting of the abuser
- Smiling or laughing while discussing a painful experience
- Ignoring their own needs, wants, and feelings
- Blaming themself for or believing they deserved the abuse
- Being in denial about the abuse
- Taking over parental roles and being super-responsible
- Never asking for needs
- Never showing anger, sadness, or hurt in front of others
How to Know If You’re Fawning
Fawning can look differently depending on the person, frequency of abuse, and specific situation. You may wonder if you gravitate toward a fawn trauma response, especially if you are naturally prone to people-pleasing or poor boundary-setting. Pay attention to how you interact with others when met with conflict, disagreements, or rejection.
Below are questions to ask yourself to see if you exhibit a fawn response to trauma:
- Am I constantly doing things for others at the expense of my own mental or physical health?
- Do I feel like I don’t have the right to say “no” or set boundaries with others?
- Do I feel responsible for the moods of people around me?
- Do I ignore or deny my own needs and feelings?
- Am I often apologizing to others for things I have no responsibility for?
Both single-event and prolonged or multi-event traumas are usually treated using the same trauma therapies.
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9 Ways to Heal From the Fawn Trauma Response
Healing from the fawn response will likely require work with a skilled trauma therapist. However, the first step is safety planning when living in an unsafe, traumatic environment. Trauma processing cannot happen until you can lower your defenses. Once you are safe, you can start healing by seeking professional support, practicing self-compassion, and prioritizing your well-being. Overcoming trauma takes time, but help is available to assist you.
Here are nine ways to heal from the fawn trauma response:
1. Become Aware of Your Fawning Behavior
Fawning may have been necessary for survival when faced with trauma. However, outside of that context, trauma responses can interfere with healing, developing a healthy sense of self, and fostering relationships.
Pay attention to your fawning patterns–when, how, and with whom you use these behaviors. Approach this process with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.
2. Let Go of Any Shame
Your fawning trauma response was not a conscious choice. Let go of any shame you feel about how you reacted to your experiences. You do not deserve this shame–you did what you had to do to survive.
3. Seek Professional Support
PTSD symptoms and the fawning response do not go away on their own. Healing requires trauma therapy to rewire parts of your mind and body stuck in the event. You can then live in the present and make choices about your behaviors rather than continuously reliving your experiences whenever faced with triggers. A trauma-informed therapist ensures they provide clients with a safe, respectful, transparent, and collaborative environment.
4. Start with Noticing & Honoring Basic Needs
Being in a prolonged trauma situation puts your body and mind in survival mode. Your most basic needs can feel like a source of shame and vulnerability that draws attention and punishment from the abuser. Thus, many trauma survivors learn to ignore these necessities.
To heal from your trauma and reestablish a healthy connection with your body, start by noticing and honoring your needs to eat, rest, and move.2 For example, take a break when feeling tired or overwhelmed. Avoid missing meals when you are hungry. As you address these needs, your body passes from survival mode to recovery, allowing you to heal and regain balance.
5. Recognize That Anger Has a Purpose
You might be afraid of or avoid anger, especially if you associate this emotion with your trauma. However, anger can be separate from violence and has a purpose, such as letting us know when others threaten or violate our boundaries.
Learning to notice, acknowledge, and effectively convey anger without attacking another person is part of healing. Anger shows that a part of you knows you deserve better.
6. Accept You Never Deserved the Abuse
In the face of ongoing trauma, believing you deserve the abuse can provide hope that you have some influence over the abuser. The abuser would change their ways and end your trauma if you could just say the right words or be “good enough” (e.g., cleaning the house, in a specific sport or academics, in appearance, etc.).
On the other hand, accepting your inability to control the situation can lead to unbearable hopelessness and despair. Thus, many trauma survivors cling to hope that their efforts to appease their abusers would end their pain.
However, recognize this survival response is no longer in your best interest. The perpetrator was responsible for their behaviors and choices. No one ever deserves abuse, including you.
7. Allow For Complex Reactions to the Abuser
Allowing for complex reactions to the abuse is often crucial to healing and moving past the fawn response. Recognize and honor that you may hold two very different reactions to the abusive person–both are valid.
People may love and admire some qualities of the abuser and treasure moments of kindness while simultaneously feeling anger, terror, dislike, or hatred toward them. One response does not negate the other. Accepting this complexity can provide a sense of relief.
8. Find Social Support
Living in a complex trauma situation can be incredibly frightening, isolating, and lonely. Overcoming a fawn response should be different. Start looking around for safe and supportive people with whom you can share your reclaimed self as you heal from trauma.
For some, support comes from a peer or therapy group of individuals with a similar trauma history. For others, a friend or loved one with whom they feel safe offers relief.
9. Engage in Self-Care
Making time for comfort and enjoyable activities is essential when addressing fawning. In survival mode, people often have little time or energy for these things. Self-care is another way to help your body and mind move out of survival mode.
Examples of self-care when overcoming a fawn trauma response include:
- Doing yoga
- Going for a walk
- Spending time with loved ones
- Journaling
- Going to therapy
- Spending time in nature
How to Find a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Finding the right therapist is the first step toward trauma recovery. You can explore both in-person and online therapy options via an online therapist directory. A trauma-informed therapist can help you uncover the underlying reasons for your fawning behavior and learn healthier ways to cope with and respond to difficult situations. You do not have to wait to seek support–consider requesting a no-cost consultation or researching different therapeutic approaches.
In My Experience
Additional Resources
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Online Therapy
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Treatment For Trauma & OCD
Half of people diagnosed with OCD have experienced a traumatic life event. The chronic exposure to stressful situations, such as ongoing bullying, or an abusive relationship can lead to the development of OCD symptoms. NOCD therapists specialize in treating both trauma and OCD and are in-network with many insurance plans. Visit NOCD
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