Grief Vs. Mourning: Understanding the Difference

What Is Grief?

Grief is the response an individual has when someone or something they care deeply about dies or is taken away. Some of the most common symptoms of grief that occur when a person is grieving include sadness, depression, anger, hopelessness, and helplessness. Although there are some typical emotions associated with grief, every person will experience grief in a unique manner.²

Everyone experiences grief in very different ways. Some factors that determine how grief manifests are the cause of the loss and the nature of the relationship with the person who has died. The more traumatic the loss and the closer the relationship, the more overwhelming grief can become.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the five stages of grief. She made it clear that not all people may go through all stages. The stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order, and some people may revisit a stage more than once. There is no specific time frame associated with any of the stages of grief.

According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, these are the five stages of grief:

• Denial: In the denial stage of grief, people refuse to accept the reality of a loss on a conscious or unconscious level. Denial can be a technique to initially help you survive a huge loss.
• Anger: Once the reality of a loss is present, the anger stage of grief often occurs. There may be anger directed at the person who has died. There may also be anger, feeling you have been abandoned and left alone. Experts agree anger is an important component of grief. It helps release emotions.
• Bargaining: The bargaining stage of grief can sometimes evolve from guilt. It falsely implies we have control over the losses that occur. People say to themselves, “If only I did this,” this horrible loss would not have occurred.
• Depression: Depression and deep sadness often occur as the magnitude of a loss becomes apparent after it occurs. The depression stage of grief is a common reaction to the death of a loved one.
• Acceptance: Eventually, most people come to a place of acceptance. It may happen in small steps rather than all at once. The acceptance stage of grief means you have come to terms with the reality of the loss, and you understand you must create a “new normal” in your life.

Aside from Dr. Kubler-Ross’s five-stage theory, other reactions to grief may include:

• Shock
• Emotional numbness
• Anxiety
• Disbelief

What Is Mourning?

Mourning is the outward expression an individual displays when they experience loss. Mourning oftentimes involves cultural or religious ceremonies, such as a wake, spreading of one’s ashes, or hanging flags at half-mast. Mourning can provide comfort to grieving loved ones and give family and friends ways to support them.

There are many aspects to mourning. It is a process to help you understand what life will be like without your loved one. It is the beginning of creating a new, uncertain life. It does not always have to be directly connected to expressing grief and related emotions.

Here are a few examples of different types of mourning practices:

• Donating to an organization a deceased loved one was passionate about to honor their memory.
• Funerals, wakes, memorial services, or celebrations of life.
• Planting a tree, flowers, or garden in memory of a person
• Creating an organization, event, or foundation in memory of the person who has died.
• Volunteering at a place that may be connected with the way a loved one died.
• Write a song or poem about the person who has died.

Grief Vs. Mourning

The difference between grief and morning is that grief is an internal experience of loss, whereas mourning is an external expression of loss. Grief expert Alan Wolfelt explains, “Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings [surrounding grief]. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must mourn.”¹

Does Grieving or Mourning Come First?

Grief is often the immediate reaction to a devastating loss. Mourning can often occur simultaneously with grief as people mourn and engage in rituals or religious practices in response to their grief. The American Cancer Society observes, “The rituals of mourning – seeing friends and family and preparing for the funeral or burial or final physical separation – often give some structure to the grieving process.”³ Grief and mourning both occur during the process of bereavement.

Using Mourning to Heal From Grief

Embracing mourning is a way to initiate your healing from grief. Mourning is a way to begin to verbalize feelings of grief and develop ways to cope with it. The goal of mourning is to process grief and build a life that integrates memories of a deceased beloved loved one while simultaneously creating a future with opportunities, including joy and hope.

A grief research study examined the distinctions between grief and mourning. They found that mourning successfully was a key part of being able to move forward in the process of grief and initiate healing. They describe that “[Successful mourning] leads people to feel deeply connected to deceased loved ones while also being able to imagine a satisfying future without them.”²

According to grief specialist J.W. Worden, the major tasks associated with mourning that must be accomplished to initiate healing are:⁴

• Accept the loss has occurred
• Work through the pain of grief
• Adjust to life without the deceased.
• Start a new life while still maintaining a connection with the deceased

How to Cope With Loss

Grief and mourning evoke a range of deep and painful emotions and actions. The intensity, frequency, and length of time that grief and mourning continue can vary. Additionally, people express their grief in different ways. Because grief and mourning are personal for each individual, there is no right or wrong way to cope, and there is no designated time frame associated with grief and mourning.

Many people need help from others to manage their grief. Relief can come from friends or family. In many cases, mental health professionals specializing in grief work can help. They offer guidelines, techniques, and insights about the source of grief.  These experts explain how to implement healthy coping mechanisms to understand and cope with the loss of significant loved ones. Experts agree that when people move from internalizing grief to discussing it and seeking help to manage it, the more likely healing will begin

Here are six tips for how to cope with loss:

1. Understand & Plan Ahead for Your Grief Triggers

Grief triggers are reminders of a loved one who has died that evoke strong emotional responses. You may suddenly emotionally be taken back to memories and feelings related to the time they have died.

Examples of grief triggers can include:

• Special occasions like an anniversary or birthday
• Returning to a place like a restaurant that had special meaning associated with the person who has died.
• Scents like perfume or a type of pipe tobacco used by the deceased loved one.
• Hearing a song you shared with a loved one who has died.

If you are aware that a grief trigger is coming up, like an anniversary or birthday, plan ahead. For example, ask someone you are close to and feel comfortable with to spend the day with you so you have support and companionship to help you through the day. It may help to be with someone who knows your loved one so you can share memories together.

2. Begin Journaling

Journaling is a way to chronicle thoughts, feelings, and emotions while grieving and throughout the mourning process. You don’t have to be a writer to journal. The act of putting thoughts and feelings on paper can be cathartic and help reduce the intensity of the feelings. Harvard University reports, “Research suggests that disclosing deep emotions through writing can boost immune function as well as mood and well-being.”⁵

Journaling helps to understand and clarify emotions. It is a way to help understand a grief path. It is very helpful for people who may be reluctant to share their feelings of loss with others. There is no wrong or right way to journal. It is a means of self-expression. Try not to censor yourself as you engage in journaling.

3. Join a Grief Support Group

Grief support groups can offer an oasis of much-needed support for people who are grieving a significant loss. People gain personal and emotional strength from listening to others share similar experiences around grief. It normalizes your feelings and reduces a sense of loneliness. It is also a place to get information from others about how they cope. Support groups can be a place where you lend support to others, which can empower you. For people who are reluctant to participate in groups in person, there are online grief support groups as well.

4. Seek Out Grief Therapy

Sometimes grief continues, or the symptoms get worse over an extended period of time acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is frequently used to help people cope with loss and grief. It is an action-oriented approach to coping with grief. ACT helps give people permission to accept their negative thoughts and feelings.

Another common type of therapy used in grief counseling is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The focus of this treatment is to help target and identify negative ways of thinking and behaving. The next step is to learn to replace these unhealthy patterns with positive thoughts and behaviors and a more healthy lifestyle to alleviate grief.

5.  Create New Meaning or Purpose in Your Life

Many people who have experienced a death find themselves feeling lost as they begin to grieve. This is especially true for people who have been primary caregivers for a loved one. It becomes a part of their identity, and they don’t know how to change their focus to move forward with their lives after the person they took care of has died

Creating meaning or purpose after the onset of grief covers a spectrum. It can be as simple as creating a list of things you wish to accomplish to get through a day. It can also mean getting involved in a project to honor the memory of the person you have lost. For example, if a loved one has died of cancer, you can work with the American Cancer Society. If they loved dogs, perhaps you could volunteer in a pet shelter. This is a way of honoring their passions and memories and simultaneously creating an important driving force in their life.

6. Allow Yourself to Experience Feelings Without Self Recrimination

Suppressing or denying feelings associated with grief will only intensify them, and they may become even more debilitating. People may have limited self-awareness about this dynamic. Show self-compassion as you begin to mourn and process your grief and the pain that will come with both of these experiences. The longer these feelings are not addressed, the higher the possibility that unhealthy coping mechanisms will develop. It can also unintentionally extend the period of grief and mourning, which can have negative consequences.

When to Seek Professional Support

If your grief remains immobilizing or grief symptoms get worse over an extended period of time, consider seeing a mental health professional with expertise in grief counseling.

Additional indicators that grief counseling is needed include:

• Suicidal ideation
• Increased or new substance abuse
• Ongoing disruptions in sleep, appetite, and self-care skills like bathing and dressing
• Ongoing social isolation

Grief counseling can be done in person or through online grief therapy. People have different personal preferences about whether they should work with a therapist in person or feel comfortable getting therapy on an online therapy platform. Online therapy can be just as effective as in-person therapy. Discuss your questions or concerns with a therapist you choose and find out about their experience doing therapy on an online platform. An online therapist directory can help you to find online therapists in your area.

In My Experience

As a licensed clinical social worker, I have found that it is difficult to emotionally prepare for grief and the bereavement and mourning that comes with it. I have found this to be true even with the expected death of a loved one who was ill. Grief and the loss of loved ones can change people in deep and profound ways. It creates many moments of self-reflection and re-evaluation of life choices.

I believe that those who are more successful in coping with their grief are able to ask for help and allow moments of mourning, as painful as that may be. Identifying ways to mourn can be a place of comfort and begin the healing process. Many people find it hard to take care of themselves in the midst of grieving. Sometimes, they focus on taking care of others, putting themselves last. It is important to remain focused on your own mental and physical well-being as you grieve and mourn.

There can be surprising and positive outcomes as people move through their grief and bereavement. The American Psychological Association shares this observation: “Mourning the loss of a close friend or relative takes time, but research tells us that it can also be the catalyst for a renewed sense of meaning that offers purpose and direction in life.”⁶