The Five Stages of Grief: Definition & Examples

What Are the Five Stages of Grief?

Grief is the response to loss that may have an impact on a person emotionally, psychologically, and physically.² When we are grieving, we may experience feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and frustration. Or we may not. We do not experience the stages of grief in any specific order, for any set duration of time, and we may not even experience all five of the stages.

According to Dr. Kübler­-Ross, the five stages of grief are:

1. Denial

Denial is a common coping mechanism when dealing with a loss. Processing a loss can bring about various emotions and can be difficult to accept. In an effort to deal with the array of emotions associated with the grief, some people’s reaction is to deny the loss. This process can be short term or longer lasting.

Kübler­-Ross states that if people used denial in their lives previously as a main defense mechanism to cope with difficult situations, it is very likely that they will use this when they are experiencing a loss.² Therefore, it is useful to assess how one normally copes with challenging situations.

However, denial is common and most likely used as a buffer when people face challenging situations, with denial helping them process the situation on their own terms. Kübler­-Ross says that denial is just a short solution and often will be replaced with another way to cope.³

2. Anger

As stated earlier, grief elicits an array of emotions. When someone is processing grief, there is always an element of anger.³ Anger shows up in many forms. Some ways that the anger stage of grief often manifests are through outbursts, rage, extreme sadness, and isolation.

It is also pertinent to process the underlying emotions (eg., sadness, hurt, frustration, fear) under the anger that is being exhibited when someone experiences a loss. It can also be beneficial to identify, question, and reflect on the origin of the anger.

3. Bargaining

Bargaining is defined as negotiating in order to get a desired outcome or postpone the inevitable.³ During the bargaining stage, the person is wrestling with accepting the loss. For example, a person might be trying to make a deal that if the pain ends, they will be better or do something in exchange for the pain to stop. Bargaining is a way for a person who is grieving a loss to take control over the situation.

4. Depression

A heaviness and a deep sadness when one experiences a loss is quite normal. There are two types of depression: reactive and preparatory.³ Preparatory depression is also something of which to be mindful, especially for people with loved ones who are coping with terminal illness.

Note the timeframe of the depression stage when someone is grieving. If a person experiences depression with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, they should have a safe place to process those emotions. If a person begins to isolate themselves, they should ask for help from their support system, including friends, family, mental health professionals, support groups, or spiritual leaders.

5. Acceptance

When discussed in the five stages of grief, the acceptance stage is not necessarily about being happy.³ At this stage, one has come to terms with the loss. This isn’t to say that situations related to the loss (e.g., the anniversary effect) will not trigger a person to experience the other stages again.

It’s vital for people at this stage to be patient with the process and accept that there may be triggers and situations that cause different feelings related to the loss and those feelings may present in different ways.

“Grief is a normal reaction to losing someone or something precious. Yet no two grievers experience loss in identical ways,” says Sherry Cormier, PhD, Licensed Psychologist and Certified Bereavement Trauma Specialist. “Some grievers describe their grief journey in terms that sound like the stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Yet this stage model of grief doesn’t work for everyone. Not all grievers experience these stages and, if they do, not necessarily in order. As a bereavement trauma specialist, I believe this is because healing from loss is not a linear process. Instead, it is cyclical, much like the waves of the ocean that intensify and diminish depending on various climate factors. So, too, does the experience of grief vary – depending on context and culture.”¹⁰

Do the 5 Stages of Grief Happen in Order?

Dr. Kubler-Ross reported that the five stages of grief do not have to occur in any particular order, and that grief is not a linear experience. Some people may skip a stage, while other people may revisit a stage more than once. It all depends on the individual and their personal experience with their own grief and journey to heal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief experts discourage making comparisons with others about how to grieve.

How Long Does Grief Last?

Grief is a unique and personal experience for every individual. Because of this, there is no specific time frame associated with each stage of grief, and no specific time frame associated with how long grieving will occur.

There are factors that influence how long grief can last, including:

• How the loss happened. Was it sudden or traumatic like a heart attack or car accident? Or was it slower, like a progressive, degenerative illness where there is some expectation of a death. Traumatic or sudden unexpected deaths can cause more shock, confusion, anger, and numbness, possibly extending the grief process.
• The kind of loss. For example, the death of a spouse and the loss of a job are both significant losses, but the intensity and reasons for grief can be quite different.
• The nature of the relationship of the person who has died. The type of relationship, how long you have known the person who has died, and the closeness you feel to that person influences the intensity of grief.
• A pre-existing mental health history. If someone has a previous history of depression, it can mean that grief may be more debilitating and last longer.

What If I Don’t Go Through the Stages?

There is a difference between someone skipping a stage of grief and people who do not process their grief at all. Not processing grief can have harmful repercussions. Grief researchers have discovered that repressing grief is harmful and can cause delayed and distorted grief.⁴

In order to heal from a loss people must allow themselves to experience the emotional pain associated with that loss. Suppressing feelings or not allowing yourself to grieve can make the grieving process go on even longer. Additional ramifications of unresolved grief include the increased possibility of depression, substance abuse, or grief manifesting in physical ways like digestive issues, headaches, or muscle tension.

5 Alternative Models of Processing Grief

Elisabeth Kübler­-Ross’ five stages of grief have helped people to understand the grief process. However, there are other theorists and researchers who have researched the topic of grief and added additional information to the field.

Dr. Cormier notes, “The 5 stage model of grief is useful as a framework for grief recovery, although it is not a tool that is helpful when applied rigidly to all grievers. In my experience, grievers find various coping strategies helpful depending on whether the loss has occurred earlier or more recently, and also on the nature of the loss. Some losses are ambiguous, as is the case when losing a partner to dementia. Some grief survivors have an enormous support network to help them through while others feel quite isolated. All of these factors play a role in how grief survivors heal.”¹⁰

The 7 Stages of Grief

Over the years, many have talked about Elisabeth Kübler­-Ross’ five stages of grief. More recently, people have been discussing the seven stages of grief. Again, it is important to note that these various stages can happen in a different order, some stages may be skipped, and others may not experience all the stages.

The seven stages of grief are:

1. Shock: when one hears the news of loss, quite often the first response is shock or disbelief of the news
2. Denial: denial, as stated earlier, can be a defense mechanism for one when experiencing a loss. This process of denial can be short lived or longer, depending on how the person experiences the loss.
3. Anger: during the stage of anger, it is important to get to the root cause of the anger and understand the thoughts that are associated with the loss
4. Bargaining: the bargaining stage is a way that people negotiate what it is that they would like to see as the outcome from the situation
5. Guilt: when some people experience a loss, they also experience guilt. This guilt can come from various sources, and again, a person must assess to see the root cause of the guilt that they’re experiencing.
6. Depression: depression is a grief reaction that many people may experience when suffering from a loss. Symptoms of depression may vary from person to person and must not be taken lightly.
7. Acceptance and hope: acceptance and hope allows for a person who has experienced a loss to accept that the loss has occurred and begin to accept that life will be different due to the loss. During this stage, a person does not get over the loss but begins to move forward.

6 Rs of Grief

Dr. Therese Rando created the Six R Processes of Mourning, including recognizing the loss, reacting, recollecting, relinquishing, readjusting, and reinvesting.

The Six Rs consist of:^5,6

1. Recognizing the loss: at the recognizing the loss stage, one acknowledges the death of the loved one and understands that the death has taken place
2. Reacting to the separation: during reacting to the separation, one experiences the pain and actually feels, identifies, and accepts the separation due to the loss. During this stage, one also identifies and mourns secondary losses that they have experienced due to the loss.
3. Recollecting and reexperiencing the loved one who has died: during this stage of mourning one may review and remember the loved one who has died. One may also reexperience emotions that they experienced previously.
4. Relinquishing old attachments to the loved one who had died: during this phase one has to confront old attachments and be able to move forward with the new norm
5. Readjusting to move into the new without forgetting the old: during this stage, one may create a new relationship with the loved one who is dead and adopt new ways of moving forward in the world without the loved one
6. Reinvesting: at this stage, one may begin to compensate and reinvest in self to establish life without the loved one being present

The Dual Process Model

The Dual Process Model (DPM) of Coping with Bereavement was created by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999. It describes coping with a loss in a way that provides some predictability to people who were grieving.⁷ The model was also created to predict good vs. poor adaptation to the stressful life event of losing a loved one.⁷

The key goal of the model is not a “one size fits all” model but a model that provides an explanation of the range of coping that is affiliated with the bereavement process.⁷ When Stroebe & Schut discuss coping in their model, they’re referring to the processes, strategies, or ways of managing situations in which bereavement places on the individual that is suffering the loss.⁷

The Four Phases of Grief

British Psychiatrists John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes proposed a 4 phase model of grief. This model includes the following phases:

• Phase 1 – Shock and numbness: This is the immediate reaction after learning of a death. People can’t allow themselves to feel such intense emotions. It is especially true in causes of traumatic or sudden deaths like a murder or a heart attack.
• Phase 2 – Yearning and Searching: The loss of a loved one is deeply felt and there is a desire for that void to be filled by their returning. Feelings in this phase can include anger, guilt, sadness.
• Phase 3 – Disorganization and Despair: The reality of the loss arrives in this phase. Emotions that occur here include hopelessness, despair, and anger. People tend to be more isolative in this phase.
• Phase 4 – Reorganization and Recovery: There is some acceptance in this phase and people begin to create a “new normal” as they try to rebuild their lives. The intensity of the feelings described in prior phases has diminished. Emotions begin to stabilize.

The 12 Stages of Grief

There is another model of grief that looks at it in terms of 12 stages. As in the other models, this is not sequential and some stages may be missed or revisited. It outlines the different ways grief impacts people. It demonstrates the grief process, ways to to cope with, understand, and begin to heal from grief.

The 12 stages of grief are as follows:

1. Healing takes place over time. Acknowledge that grief is painful and it will take time to heal. Allow yourself the time you need to work through your grief.
2. Grief is universal and distinctive. There are universal feelings that are associated with grief like sadness. Grief is experienced in unique and profound ways. Feel what you do, not what you are told you should feel.
3. Shock is the prelude to the grieving process. This is especially true after a traumatic loss. There is a feeling of numbness that is in conjunction with shock. It is your body’s way of protecting you from intense feelings and giving you time to react.
4. Grief can cause depression. Grief is closely entwined with depression. It is a natural reaction during bereavement.
5. Grief can cause health problems. Grief can cause physical as well as emotional and psychological challenges. It can cause people to isolate and be less inclined to take care of themselves. Pay attention to your body, your mind, your behaviors,and your emotions. Ask for help if you need it.
6. Panic often is a part of grief. As you struggle to cope with a significant loss there is a lot of anxiety about what your “new normal” is going to be. How will you manage to do things someone else did for you? These are normal issues that arise in the midst of grief. Give yourself permission to ask for help when you need it.
7. Guilt often can happen with grief. Many people take on guilt with the loss of a loved one. People chastise themselves for not doing more or leaving issues unresolved. These often are unrealistic self expectations. Practice forgiveness and compassion with yourself.
8. Anger often occurs with grief. It is natural to be angry when a person you love leaves you even if it is not their fault. It is human to be angry when you are in a frightening situation and you feel alone and unprepared.
9. Grief causes intense emotions. Grief causes an emotional hurricane with a cascade of feelings swirling around inside. It will make you feel off balance and at times out of control. Reach out for emotional support from friends, family, or mental health professionals if it becomes debilitating.
10. Grief creates a lack of direction and purpose. It takes time to create “a new normal” after the loss of a significant other. Especially if you spent a lot of time caregiving for that person. It is necessary in this stage to look deep inside and determine what life goals hold meaning for you and decide what path will take you there.
11. Hope brings healing and healing brings hope. It takes time to get to this stage. You will become aware that the intensity of the feelings you initially had after a loss have diminished. Memories will transition from a place of pain to a source of comfort. Other relationships will gain importance and take on new meaning.
12. You will get to a place of acceptance. It may feel impossible in the early stages of grief but eventually you will get there. This doesn’t mean you are OK with a loss but rather you have given yourself permission to move forward with your life.

Common Misconceptions About Grief

People often have preconceived notions about how they are supposed to grieve, mistakenly believing there is a right or wrong way to experience grief. Part of the reason it is unique is that your grief process is contingent on the nature of the relationship with who or what was lost. It is also influenced by your previous experiences with loss, your own mental health history, your coping mechanisms, and available support systems. The more traumatic and sudden the loss, the more complicated and challenging your grief process will be.

Common grief misconceptions include:

“I’m doing it wrong”

You should allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel to cope with a loss. Right or wrong parameters are not a part of the grief experience. There is no one-size-fits-all formula to heal from a major loss. Do not judge yourself harshly in the midst of grieving. It only makes the ability to begin to heal more challenging.

“I should be feeling…”

Feelings after a significant loss are impacted by the nature of the relationship, the type of loss it is, and how the loss occurred. Each relationship is individual with its own unique aspects, history, and complexities. The feelings experienced in grief are influenced by many factors so whatever you feel is part of your processing and shouldn’t be judged as “wrong.”

“I should be in ___ stage”

There is no time frame associated with any of the stages of grief outlined. This is true of all of the models of grief that have been put forth to date. The fact that there are many models of grief reflects the fact that people experience it differently.  Dr. Kubler-Ross’s original 5 stage model was specifically designed for people and family members who were dealing with terminal illness. These newer models take into account additional triggers for grief.

“My grief process is taking too long”

Coping with a major loss is a unique and individual experience. It is a myth to say that there is a specific time frame associated with the grief process. For some people it may take months, and for others it may be years. Other life stressors can also impact how long grieving may take and lengthen the process.

“I’m depressed”

Depression is one of the most commonly felt emotions associated with grief and bereavement. It is natural to feel depressed when struggling with overwhelming emotional pain. People who grieve and isolate themselves from others have less support and may increase the possibility of new or ongoing depression. People with a previous history of depression are at a higher risk of experiencing depression with the death of a loved one as the cause.

Getting Help For Grief

Living with grief and loss is a unique journey that takes time and support to navigate. Some therapeutic supports include individual counseling, support groups, and bereavement groups.

Individual Counseling

Grief counseling can help us process our loss, emotions related to the loss, and provide a safe place to discuss thoughts, triggers, and other information related to processing a loss. Therapy for grief with a licensed therapist may also be necessary. Finding a therapist while you’re grieving can feel like daunting task, but online therapy services can make it easier and a therapist directory can help you connect to a mental health professional who specializes grief.

Support Groups & Bereavement Groups

Support groups can also provide a layer of help when one is grieving a loss. Many support groups are put in place to normalize that grief reactions are normal and to help people connect with others who may be experiencing a loss. Some support groups may provide a psychoeducation component.

Through psychoeducation, participants can learn information about the grief process and healthy ways to cope based on research and literature that has addressed this topic. Support groups and bereavement groups may vary, as bereavement groups often focus on the specific person that group members have lost (eg., partner, parent, sibling).

Self-care

It’s important to identify healthy ways to cope with grief and loss through self-care, too. For example, set aside time to remember someone on their death anniversary or keep a grief journal.

Cormier adds, “For grievers suffering from a recent loss, coping strategies that promote equanimity are especially helpful. These include self-care (sleep, nutrition, exercise), social support, and utilizing grounding techniques. For later bereavement, coping strategies that facilitate growth are suitable.”¹⁰

Final Thoughts

The steps of grief are varied, but it’s important not to shut these emotions off. Some of the ways to cope with loss include reaching out to a support system, practicing self-care, and seeking out the support of a mental health professional.