Acceptance is the fifth and final stage of grief outlined by Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her model about how people process grief after the death of a loved one. Her colleague, David Kessler, describes this stage as accepting the reality that our loved one has left us physically, and recognizing this as the permanent reality. It doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is fine, but that you’ve learned to live with the reality of the loved one’s passing.1
It’s important to get to this stage in order to begin moving forward after the loss of a loved one or something else you’re mourning, like the end of a relationship or receiving a difficult diagnosis.
What Is the Acceptance Stage of Grief?
People grieve in unique and personal ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no specific time frame for grief stages. However, there are universal emotions that arise during the acceptance stage of grief like hope and relief and perhaps moments of happiness. Acceptance does not mean you are OK with the death of a loved one or you forget them, but that you have begun to rebuild your life and you are able to live with the emotional pain of your loss.2
Not everyone reaches an acceptance state. Adjusting to a traumatic death may make it more difficult to reach this stage.
What Are the Stages of Grief?
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, developed the theory that people move through five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, the depression stage, and acceptance. This model was based on her work with people who were dying and revealed in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying. These stages are not linear and some people may return to a stage more than once.
In recent years this model has expanded to seven stages. This newer model includes the “Upward Turn” stage where people begin to see they can survive a major loss and that they may have a future life. Another new stage is “Reconstruction and Working Through,” in which people begin to find new meaning in their lives and reach out to others in this stage. They take the initiative to regain control of their lives. “Acceptance and Hope” is the final stage in this model.
Common Emotions During the Acceptance Stage of Grief
During the acceptance stage of grief and loss, a variety of emotions emerge. They range from guilt for thinking about moving forward to hope about building a new normal, but they all include a sense of finality about the loss.3
Feelings during the acceptance stage of grief can include:
- Sadness
- Hope
- Relief
- Anxiety
- Guilt
- Strength
- Insecurity
- Uncertainty
Common Thoughts During the Acceptance Stage of Grief
There is a “psychological flexibility” that occurs in the acceptance stage of grief, where someone can still experience sadness and loss while at the same time choosing to engage in meaning-making in their life.4 In this stage people hold onto past memories but start thinking about ways they can begin to take steps to create a life with new purpose. It can be a time of reflection, goal-setting, positivity, and mindful planning about potential life changes.
Thoughts during the acceptance stage of grief can include:
- After a death: “I didn’t think I could live without my husband but I have overcome so much and managed to move forward.”
- After job loss: “I couldn’t imagine myself working anywhere else but after they let me go I realized other companies would value my expertise.”
- After terminal diagnosis: “I need to figure out the best ways for me to use the time I have left in meaningful ways.”
- After losing a child: “I couldn’t imagine going on with my life after my daughter died. I will devote myself to creating something that will honor her memory by helping others.”
- After the death of a friend: “She was my best friend. When I remember the wonderful times we had together I realize I’m a better person for knowing her.”
- After divorce: “We had many good years together. I know that she never really accepted me for who I was. I need to find a partner that can.”
- Loss of home: “I spent many years in that house. It was very hard to maintain. It’s a good time to downsize and create a new home I can manage more easily.”
- Loss of a pet: “My heart broke when my dog died. She was my beloved companion. I know she was sick and in pain. It was time to let her go so she could rest. I know it was the right decision.”
Examples of Acceptance in Grief
People who arrive at the acceptance phase of grief will notice changes in their thinking and behavior. They may have been previously isolating and now feel a need to reconnect with other people and work on nurturing relationships. There may be moments of relaxation, having a new sense of calm, and times when you begin to feel happy. There is more of a future orientation in this stage and a sense of hope about the future.
Examples of acceptance in grief include:
- Working toward accomplishing new goals, and feeling proud when they’re achieved5
- Responding to other people’s needs and providing help and support
- Practicing self care and self-compassion
- Giving yourself permission to begin to create a new “norm” for your life
- Being more mindful and present for yourself and others
- Accepting and coping with a wider range of emotions that are appropriate for any given situation
How Does Acceptance Happen in Grief?
Acceptance is a state of adjustment and adaptation. Psychologist Delvina Miremadi reports, “It’s important during this stage that you accept how this loss has changed your life and stop wishing for everything to return to how it used to be. Your life is forever changed and it is time to seek out new meaning.”6
Some people may never reach the acceptance stage of grief. This is especially true with the traumatic grief from the loss of a significant other. Feelings associated with the loss may become less intense and less frequent with time, but there will be moments of sadness, especially on holidays or special occasions, called the anniversary effect.
How to Achieve the Acceptance Stage of Grief
There are several techniques that can be employed to help get to acceptance. People may need to try different strategies to determine what works for them. Reaching a stage of acceptance does not mean that grieving stops, just that you have found a way to live with your grief. Acceptance does not mean the person that is gone is forgotten.
Here are six strategies that can help you cope with grief and achieve the acceptance stage:
1. Show Yourself Self-Compassion
Acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to as you grieve. Grief researchers emphasize the importance of feeling all your emotions during the grieving period, as they can serve as guides as you begin to reconstruct meaning after loss.7
2. Reduce Isolation
Reach out to people you trust. Allow them to offer their support as you move through your grief. Isolation promotes loneliness, can lead to increased depression, and can inhibit sleep. This makes grief feel more unstoppable, but can be lifted by spending time with loved ones who understand the loss you’re experiencing.
3. Use Stress Management Techniques
Self care techniques like mindfulness and meditation nurture your body, your spirit, and your mind. They offer relaxation. They keep you focused on the present to offset rumination about painful memories. They help bring oxygen and blood flow through the body and brain.
4. Journaling
Journaling is a powerful way to express feelings. You can gain a greater understanding of yourself. Writing is a way of managing feelings. People also use journaling as a way of communicating with the person they have lost, and there are several great grief journaling prompts that can help you get started.
5. Caring for Physical Needs
It’s common during grief to forget to eat or sleep. Try to take care of your physical health, eat well, get plenty of sleep, and engage in physical exercise. Taking care of your body contributes to overall emotional well being.
6. Create New Purpose
In cases of the death of a loved one it can be very healing to find ways to honor their memory. For example, if a loved one has died by suicide, creating or participating in suicide prevention programs can be very meaningful and rewarding. If your loved one died of cancer, consider participating in a cancer walk or donating money or time to a cancer research center.
How Long Does it Take to Reach the Acceptance Stage of Grief?
There is no specific time frame associated with each stage of grief or the amount of time it takes a person to mourn a major loss. People’s experience with reaching acceptance varies. Healing can’t be forced, and there is no “normal” timeline for grieving. Generally, the process of acceptance happens gradually and can’t be rushed through.9
Dr. Kubler Ross pointed out that her five stage model of grief was “never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”8
The speed which one moves through the grief process is determined by many factors, including:
- Circumstances of the loss
- Previous coping mechanisms
- Faith or spiritual background
- Amount of available support and your ability to accept it
- Previous experiences with loss
- The significance of the loss
Professional Help for Grief
Sometimes grief stays overwhelming. It can negatively impact your life, ability to function, and damage relationships. Finding the right help as you negotiate through grief can be challenging. Some may feel comfortable participating in group therapy sessions, others prefer individual treatment. If symptoms of your grief intensify, more than one type of supportive therapy may be helpful. The goal of grief therapy is to help people accept the reality of a major loss and to learn coping mechanisms.
There are different treatment options available depending on your needs:
- Grief Therapy: Administered by a mental health professional specializing in grief counseling. It helps people cope with and process significant losses and related issues. Grief therapy can be done by master’s level licensed mental health practitioners like a social worker, marriage and family counselor, or nurse, or by a psychologist.
- Grief Support Groups: Many people find it beneficial to participate in grief support groups. It is comforting to be around people who have experienced similar losses. It helps you feel less alone. There are also online grief support groups and chat rooms if being face to face with people feels uncomfortable. These groups can be led by peers or mental health professionals.
- Faith Based or Pastoral Therapy: A person’s faith, spirituality, or belief in a higher power can be a critical component in healing from grief. Faith based counseling can be done by a priest or pastor.
- Hospice counseling and support: Hospice bereavement and palliative care counseling are available to patients and family members whose loved one has a life threatening illness or who has died. Hospice licensed staff offer counseling and support to help cope with and process loss.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT therapy typically takes 8-12 sessions. It changes negative thoughts that may be negatively influencing behaviors. CBT is designed to improve mood and functionality by changing someone’s negative thought patterns that are impacting their behaviors.
Grief can feel debilitating. Many people can benefit from working with mental health specialists especially when a death has occurred. Some people may be reluctant to ask for help. There can be great value in working with a skilled mental health professional.
Final Thoughts
Dr. Kubler -Ross said this about grief; “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same.”11
Those that do reach the acceptance stage of grief find some measure of calm and a sense of hope regarding their future. The time and means it takes to get there is unique for everyone. Reaching out for help when you need it will help you better navigate this challenging time.
For Further Reading
- Mental Health America
- National Alliance on Mental Health
- MentalHealth.gov
- A list of the best books on grief
- A list of the best grief books to help children
- The best podcasts on grief
- The Compassionate Friends-For families whose child has died
- The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families
- AfterTalk – Online support for those that are grieving
- Grieving.com – Online chat rooms and support groups for all kinds of losses
Acceptance Stage of Grief Infographics
