Many have yet to accept that anger is a common part of the human grieving experience. Sometimes, anger can feel scary or purposeless. However, it is natural and not destructive–it’s an emotion like any other. A person may feel angry if someone they love dies or there are substantial changes to their daily routines. Regardless of why you’re feeling angry, there are healthy ways to cope with your grief.
What Is the Anger Stage of Grief?
Anger that accompanies grief can be challenging to manage. You may be angry at being abandoned by someone you love, or furious at the extent of the associated pain. Or, maybe your life has changed in unexpected ways, and recognizing this grief can be complicated. Suddenly, the world feels empty, unsafe, or lonely.1 Even though these feelings might feel uncomfortable, they are typical and expected. Suppressing or swallowing negative feelings delays coping and progression. Recognizing and expressing anger and other emotions is empowering, and helps us pass through grief.
Common grief reactions include:
- Shock, disbelief, or denial
- Anxiety
- Distress
- Anger
- Periods of sadness
- Loss of sleep, and loss of appetite.2
What Are the Stages of Grief?
One way we can try to understand grief is through the Five Stages of Grief model developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. Dr. Kubler-Ross explored grief as a process–albeit, not a linear one.2 Her writing focused on stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance one experiences during a typical grieving process.
The stages of grief are a journey, and each person’s journey will be different. Some may experience one stage longer or shorter than the others. It is also important to note that everyone who goes through the grieving process may not experience all five stages.
Here are specific grief reactions that can occur during the grieving process:
- Uncontrollable crying
- Feelings of sadness
- Hopelessness
- Frustration
- Avoidance
- Shutting down
- Changes in sleeping patterns
Common Emotions During the Anger Stage of Grief
There are some commonalities most people will experience during the anger stage of grief. Many will feel intense emotions, or feel entirely numb. Nevertheless, even though grief is an individual process, remember that you are not alone in your struggles. Others have experienced similar emotions as you are right now.
Feelings during the anger stage of grief can include:
- A loss of control of your thoughts or actions
- Extreme irritability
- Continued obsession about what happened and why
- Growing anxiety and a fear of loss
- Behavioral overreactions
- Worry or awareness that you may have possible addictive or self-harming behaviors
- Emotional numbness or low-grade depression4
Common Thoughts During the Anger Stage of Grief
As with emotions, certain thoughts are also associated with the anger stage of grief. Thoughts during the anger stage of grief may manifest as symptoms of anxiety and depression, such as increased worry. Others experience trauma symptoms, including intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and disconnect from self. Anger can further provoke frustrating or aggressive thoughts. It is normal to experience ups and downs in mood, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors.
Thoughts that may accompany the anger stage of grief include:
- Wanting revenge
- Feeling like life isn’t fair
- Obsessions over a loved one’s death
- Extreme focus on reminders of a loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
- Loss of power or control
- Questioning a loved one’s actions
- Questioning a doctor’s actions prior to a loved one’s death
Examples of Anger in Grief
What does it look like when someone is angry while grieving? Of course, each person will present differently during this time, but there are some ways to recognize these emotions. Experts believe that grief is not only a psychological process, but also physical.6
Examples of anger in grief include:6, 7
- Increased verbal or physical aggression
- Self-harming behaviors
- Frequent or easy loss of temper
- Difficulty expressing or identifying feelings
- Physical reactions to stress, including high blood pressure and digestive issues
Why Does Anger Happen in Grief?
You may have questions about why anger occurs during the grieving process. Before Kubler-Ross identified anger in the grieving process, the topic had been largely taboo. Her work was noteworthy in medical and lay cultures, and shifted the nature of conversations around death and dying by emphasizing the experience of the dying patient.3 ,5
Kubler-Ross’ writings helped answer some questions regarding grief and anger. Anger is often a way we express pain or sadness. Other times, anger is used to mask other feelings. Beneath one’s anger, a person may be experiencing hopelessness, despair, or guilt. Anger can act as a way for some to maintain an illusion of control or express frustration.6
When Does Anger in Grief Become a Problem?
Even though anger is common and often necessary during grief, sometimes it can be dangerous if it persists for too long or intensely. Emotionally paralyzing grief causes problems and interferes with everyday functioning in a way that typical grief does not. If you can’t seem to navigate through grief into acceptance, you might be experiencing prolonged grief disorder.8
To be diagnosed with prolonged grief disorder, an adult must be experiencing grief at least one year after a loss, or six months for children who have experienced loss. Symptoms of this condition may include a difficulty with reintegration, pursuing interests, or interacting with friends.8 ,9
Please consult with your practitioner if you have concerns about prolonged grief.
How Long Goes the Anger Stage of Grief Last?
Research shows that for most people, symptoms of grief peaked in the first six months following a loss.9
Kubler-Ross and other writers indicate that, despite grieving not being a linear process, many feelings of anger will likely decrease after this symptom spike.10
How Hard Is the Anger Stage of Grief to Experience?
Everyone will follow a different path during the grieving experience, perhaps due to the nature of one’s loss or the resources available to them. The anger stage can be challenging and difficult. However, allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss, adjusting to a new reality, and fostering other relationships can help you pass through into acceptance.11
How Can I Move Past the Anger Stage of Grief?
There is not one single way to navigate grief, but many people begin to feel better after some time has passed. It is essential to acknowledge that anger is a normal part of grieving–masked feelings don’t disappear. Instead, they may become the basis for unresolved grief, depression, anxiety, among other mental and physical ailments. Accepting and validating your feelings is necessary–whatever they may be–in order to progress in healthy ways.
How to Cope With the Anger Stage of Grief
When coping with grief, a person may need to try several strategies before finding one that works for them. One way to do so includes finding meaning within the loss. You may recognize the fragility of life, make humanitarian efforts, donate to disease prevention or research, or make important changes in your life.7
This search for meaning can help you cope with your anger, and also make new connections in your own life.
Strategies that can help you cope with the anger stage of grief include:
- Be creative: Find alternative ways to express your feelings, such as art, journaling, poetry, or writing.
- Seek external support: Seek support through individual therapy or a support group.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness, meditation, or yoga designed for grief can help you stay grounded and focused on healing.
- Find healthy ways to release anger: Allow yourself to express anger in healthy ways, whether you are using a punching bag, running, or engaging in other forms of exercise.7
- Maintain self-care: Practice regular self-care and pay attention to maintaining healthy sleep, eating, and socialization routines.
Professional Help for Grief
Sometimes professional help can be valuable when grieving. This may include individual therapy, family counseling, or a grief support group. You should choose the best fit for your individual needs–you may need more than one type of support, too. If you are experiencing prolonged grief, you will likely need to seek treatment in order to cope. Speak to your medical practitioner if you are concerned about grief– whether it be about your own or another person’s. Ideally, treatment will offer you a safe place to express your feelings and thoughts without judgment.
During a typical therapy session, you may explore topics such as complicated grief symptoms, adjusting to your loss, and redefining your life goals. You may even be asked to hold imagined conversations with your loved one, or retell the circumstances of their death to help you accept the loss. This can also help you reduce any internalized feelings of blame or guilt.11
Professional help and support options for grief may include:
- Pastoral counseling: Faith-based counseling or therapy can be helpful when a person relies on the support of their religious clergy or community for processing their grief. Working alongside people whose values or belief systems are similar to yours may be beneficial.
- Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT): CBT for grief works by helping you become aware of your negative thought patterns and the resulting behaviors that make it challenging to process grief.
- Group therapy: Grief group therapy led by a professional or a member of the community offers a place for you to share your story and gain support from others.
- Grief counseling: Grief counseling is provided by a trained professional (counselor, therapist, social worker, or psychologist) who will use various therapeutic techniques to help you develop coping skills and process your grief.12
Final Thoughts
Remember that grief is a process, and experiencing anger during this is sometimes necessary. If you feel you need help processing your grief, or are having physical symptoms related to your grief, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. A therapist or counselor can help you work through your grief, and find support from others with similar experiences.
Fr Further Reading
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
- The Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC)
- Hospice Foundation
Anger Stage of Grief Infographics
