How to Support Your Trans or Gender Nonconforming Youth

Gender Identity & Your Child

The first step in supporting your trans or gender nonconforming child is familiarizing yourself with the different terms associated with gender and sexual identity. Although this may be initially confusing, normalizing and respecting their pronouns and chosen names will aid their identity development and make them feel more confident. Supporting your gender-expansive youth will require expanding your definition and understanding of gender. Therefore, actively becoming a gender-creative parent will help you effectively raise a gender-creative child.¹

Below are the basics of sexuality and gender identity:

• Gender identity: Gender identity is a complex combination of social, cultural, and biological factors that refers to an innermost self-concept as male, female, a combination of both, or none at all.
• Sex: Sex at birth refers to the external sex organs, genitalia, and/or secondary sex characteristics used to discern whether a newborn is male, female, or intersex. Typically, gender is mapped out onto sex, but is not limited to the physical components of a newborn. Designated sex at birth does not say much about the gender identity of the child.
• Transgender: Transgender is an umbrella term encompassing individuals who identify with a different gender than their designated sex at birth.
• Gender nonconforming: Gender variant, gender expansive, gender creative, gender fluid, and gender diverse are mostly interchangeable terms that describe youth who explore and express their gender along the spectrum. Gender nonconforming individuals identify with sex other than those assigned at birth and outside the male and female binary.
• Sexual orientation: Sexual orientation is often confused with gender identity. However, sexual orientation refers to a sexual and/or romantic attraction to people of the same gender, different genders, both, or neither. Children who adopt gender-nonconforming behaviors may later identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Still, remember these are two different aspects of their identity.

Understanding Trans & Gender Non Conforming Youth

Trans youth and adults can identify with an opposite gender than their assigned-at-birth gender. However, they can also identify as a gender along the continuum of masculinity to femininity. The most important takeaway is that designated sex at birth does not define gender, and gender is not limited to biological aspects of sex. What makes a person their gender is how they feel about themselves and how they want others to see them.

Someone may use the pronouns they/them if they are gender nonconforming or nonbinary, and she/her or he/him pronouns do not necessarily mean the person identifies as a woman or man. Gender identity and pronouns may, and often do, change over time.

Focusing on biological aspects of sex by using gender norms, denying your youth’s pronouns, or shaming them undermines the diverse and nuanced spectrum of gender identity. Furthermore, this will hurt the child-parent relationship, restricting the ability to feel safe and supported in their gender identity.

All people, including cisgender and transgender people, have both sexual orientation and gender identity, which means your trans child can identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, and/or any other sexual identity. There are many types of sexuality and gender terms, so educating yourself on them can help.

How to Support Your Transgender Child or Teen

As mentioned, raising a gender nonconforming child requires parents to challenge their understanding of gender and actively reshape the cultural norms, beliefs, and attitudes about gender to a more informed, flexible, and understanding stance. Decentering your wishes, hopes, and dreams for your child, getting to know them for the person they are, and centering their desires will be central tasks of your parenting.¹ This process is critical for all parents, especially those raising gender-variant youth.

Below are six ways to support trans and gender nonconforming youth:

1. Challenge Your Beliefs on Gender

The first step in supporting your gender nonconforming youth involves determining your beliefs about gender. Take a moment to assess what messages you have heard or were implied to you about gender. How do those messages relate to the worries and fears you currently have?

Common parental concerns range from thinking a child is confused about their gender to fearing a child will experience harassment if parents support their gender identity. Some parents may feel called to be advocates for their gender nonconforming child, while others feel extreme discomfort with the ambiguity of the process. Where do you think you stand along the continuum of fears and concerns?

Increasing your self-understanding will help you better understand and support your child. This process can be scary and unnerving, especially if you are not used to challenging norms. You may feel like you are putting yourself or your child in a vulnerable position. Please know these emotions are common to experience, and finding an LGBTQA+ therapist can help you make sense of these thoughts and concerns. How a parent responds to their gender nonconforming youth significantly impacts their well-being.²

Despite the discomfort, adopting a more curious and compassionate stance reduces feelings of rejection, misunderstanding, and judgment that can lead to depression, anxiety, and suicidality. Family rejection also leads to poorer outcomes in school performance, career advancement, and coping in trans youth.³

Trans and gender nonconforming youth have a greater quality of life as adults when supported, embraced, and accepted. The support from primary caregivers is considered a protective factor against bullying, stigma, and discrimination within the larger society and aids in the overall well-being of the trans youth.⁴

2. Challenge Your Adultism

Assess your decision-making resources as a parent. Many parents utilize personal beliefs, cultural norms, and common sense to make parenting decisions. However, parents of gender nonconforming youth will find little guidance in these traditional routes.² Restricted definitions of a gender binary do not capture the wide range of gender identities people can align with.

Parental fears about gender nonconformity stem from traditions perpetuated by myths and stereotypes embedded in our culture regarding gender, leading to negative messaging for all individuals, particularly trans and gender-diverse people.⁵

One of the more challenging aspects for parents is confronting adultism, or the power and control adults have in the lives of youth. With gender nonconforming youth, adultism refers to how families and caregivers control gender identity and expression through repression, denial, or rejection of the youth’s wishes and/or experiences.⁶ This restriction of gender is emotionally and physically damaging to trans individuals and has been linked with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidality.⁷

It is common to experience some conflict between you and your gender nonconforming child as you make sense of and understand their identity. Your child wishes to gain more autonomy in self-expression, so you must balance supporting their authenticity with your parental urge to keep your child safe.⁸ Learning more together can be the best path forward for challenging this adultism and bonding with your child.

3. Show Your Support With Words & Questions

Another way to support your child is showing an interest in understanding their perspective and gender identity from their terms. Consider asking your child open-ended questions about what labels mean to them as well as what it feels like to be that specific gender identity. Your child may not yet know what pronouns they would like to go by or if they want to transition. However, opening a dialogue where you begin to normalize and make space for these conversations will help reduce the anxiety and fear you both may be experiencing.

As you listen, observe any worries or intrusive thoughts, especially if you feel urged to interrupt or refute your child. Mindfulness and focusing on the present will help you truly listen to your child, allowing you to determine the next steps. Their desires or feelings change as they age, leading to different decisions regarding how they want to express their gender and live in their authentic truth.

4. Assemble a Care Team for Your Child

As you continue to develop your relationship with your child, you may consider exploring gender-affirming healthcare and helping professionals to support you and your child. Consider consulting with your pediatrician or a gender-affirming physician to determine other medical sources of support, like an endocrinologist. You can also ask them to direct you to a gender-affirming counselor to help facilitate your child’s gender identity affirmation process.

A counselor can help you move toward acceptance and support regarding your child’s gender and discuss any questions or concerns about the process. Whether you are a parent of a trans youth or you identify as trans, asking questions will help you gauge how knowledgeable your healthcare provider is on supporting the mental and medical aspects of trans individuals.

Some important questions to ask your providers include:

• What identity work have you done in terms of gender?
• How are you combatting transphobia in your practice?
• How do you utilize the World Professional Health Organization for Trans Health (WPATH) Standards of Care in your practice?

5. Follow Your Child’s Lead

Being a parent is a tough job. Parents face the challenge of balancing protecting and embracing their children, allowing them to experience life fully. As a parent of a gender-variant child, balancing your fears with supporting your child’s authentic self will test your resilience. Following your child’s lead may include making space for conversations where disciplining and expectations are not part of the discussion.

Acknowledging your child’s thoughts and emotions while respecting their boundaries will help them open up and feel safe to talk about difficult things. Consider how you can spend quality time getting to know your child and reflect on their words. These behaviors will support your relationship with your child and make you feel more secure in exploring and understanding your child’s gender.

6. Make Sure You Have Support, Too

Ensuring you also have support will help you navigate stress through this process. For example, learning different coping skills and modeling how to regulate intense emotions during novel or uncomfortable experiences can create a more predictable and safe environment for both of you. Set boundaries around what you feel comfortable discussing while respecting your child’s wishes. Keeping daily promises of self-care will also help build your resilience and wellness.

Consider receiving counseling to explore what this process is like and strategies to balance your fears and concerns. Local organizations, like PFLAG or your local LGBTQ+ center, will offer support groups for youth and parents. This community support will also help you and your child to feel more confident and normalize what you are experiencing.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a trans or gender nonconforming child can seem daunting for many parents. However, remember to stay supportive and accepting as your child shares their experience. Consider seeking professional support for your child and yourself as you embark on this journey of self-discovery together.