Is It Okay to Have Crushes While in a Relationship?

What Does It Mean to Have a Crush?

A crush has been defined as a unilateral romantic or sexual attraction toward another. Having a crush can be a one-way or two-way affair. One’s attraction may not be reciprocated neither does the other person with whom you have a crush need to know of your feelings. A crush likely constitutes attraction to someone with whom you are not currently involved.¹ A crush can be viewed as a superficial feeling/attraction as they can be fueled by fantasy and not based in reality.

Developing a crush is a normal, and oftentimes healthy, part of life. A crush does not necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with your current relationship or that it needs to end simply because you experience such feelings. In fact, it is common for people to develop crushes on other people even when they are happily committed. Crushes can be a way for people to explore their own feelings and desires, as well as to think about what they want in a relationship. A crush can be assumed to be one of the initial building blocks to the acquisition of skills and comfort in romantic relationships.¹

Some reasons you may develop crushes while in a relationship include:

• You feel neglected or unfulfilled in current relationship
• You feel the current relationship is lacking in some way
• You crave more intimacy and are not getting it from current partner
• You are bored in current relationship
• You find the person attractive
• You are going through a rough patch in your relationship

Is It Normal to Have Crushes in a Relationship?

It is normal to have a crush or many crushes in a relationship. The very nature of a crush is rooted in the principle that it is one sided (unilateral) and often not communicated to the individual who is having the feelings projected on. As such, it is possible that crushes are not actually intended to lead to mating with a preferred partner, much like play fighting among juvenile animals is not intended to result in actual combat or injury.²

When Can Having a Crush While in a Relationship Help?

Crushes have many adaptive qualities and viewing them through a different perspective can prove invaluable. A crush may be an opportunity for individuals to test the boundaries of their romantic and sexual attractions, to practice managing their feelings of attraction, to fantasize, to set motivational expectations or goals, or to allow individuals to psychologically weigh the costs and benefits of desired alternative partners.² Having a crush and not following through with it can be a powerful experience in learning that you can’t, and are not entitled to, what you always want. A takeaway is the notion that there are limits as to what you are allowed and what you can possess.

Some benefits to having a crush in a relationship include:

• Realizing that you and your partner need to strengthen your bond
• Acknowledging you need to put more effort into your appearance
• Discovering what you enjoy sexually
• Exploring your emotional and attachment needs
• Realizing that you are not in the right relationship for you and it no longer fits

Can Crushing While in a Relationship Be a Wake-Up Call?

Crushing on someone while in a relationship can be a wake-up call in that it can help you address and discover your needs and wants within a relationship. A crush can be a great time to take a step back and reflect on the reason for the crush and whether there is a legitimate reason for developing feelings for another. You might come to the realization that it is not an indication of anything substantial or wrong within the relationship. Evaluating your relationship should never be a static process. It should never be just a one and done approach. Instead, it should be a dynamic process where you are continuously checking in with yourself within the relationship.

Some ways having a crush can hurt your relationship include:

• You want to act on your feelings for your crush
• You constantly think about leaving your partner
• It distracts you from your current relationship
• You feel like you’re a bad person and blame yourself and feel like you don’t deserve your current partner
• You alter your life to avoid interacting with your crush
• You become distant emotionally, physically, and sexually with your partner

Should You Tell Your Partner You Have a Crush on Someone Else?

Speaking to your partner about your crush is a subjective issue and will differ based on several factors. Depending on the intensity, duration, and level of disruption in your current relationship will determine how you approach it with your partner. Given that a crush may be nothing more than an infatuation or fantasy, it may not be worthwhile to speak with your partner. You may come to the conclusion that it is not worth the blowback for something that is inconsequential upon weighing the pros and cons. Alternatively, your partner may not be jealous or insecure of the relationship and find it arousing that you have a crush.

It could be necessary to tell your partner if you feel that it is a true disruption to your mental and emotional well-being and the health of your partnership. Speaking of the crush is necessary if you feel that it has come between you two and you recognize that the current arrangement is no longer a fit. However, if the crush is an indication of what is lacking within the relationship, speaking about it in those terms can be beneficial. Telling your partner is less about what you say than how you say it. Broaching the matter as a way to improve your relationship can be more digestible to the other person.

You shouldn’t tell your partner about your crush if:

• Your crush is a close friend of yours
• Your crush is a close friend of your partner’s
• You fear unduly hurting your partner’s feelings about a crush that may not matter to the overall health of the relationship
• You fear damaging the relationship over a crush that you do not intend to act upon and are content within the relationship
• You do not want to risk causing trust issues over an issue that might be taken out of context
• You do not want to lose your partner and are worried that telling that person will result in breaking-up

When Does Having a Crush Cross the Line?

The line that needs to be crossed between appropriate and inappropriate may be miniscule. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to knowing when having a crush crosses a line as that threshold is different for each person or couple. There are risk factors and broader issues that could indicate that the crush is becoming problematic. Prioritizing the crush over your partner and neglecting them is a risk factor. Acting on the crush such as actively flirting and pursuing that person while in a committed relationship is a sign to re-evaluate your behavior.

5 times having a crush can cross the line include:

1. You Cross Relationship Boundaries to Get Closer to Your Crush

Actively crossing boundaries is a surefire way to have the crush develop into something serious. The more boundaries you cross, the easier it is to cross other boundaries. You may find yourself making decisions that you never intended to make. Crossing boundaries may also build an emotional connection with the person that can easily turn into physical connection.

2. You Lie to Your Partner About Your Crush

Lying is a quick way to bring about trust issues with your partner. Lying also leads to more lies to help cover up the lies that you already committed. Telling lies may be an indication that you are doing something underhanded and improper for if it was the case there would not be a reason to lie. Lying is a form of protection from others or for ourselves.

3. You Compare Your Partner With Your Crush

Constantly internally comparing your partner with the person your crush is an issue. You will likely find your partner lacking in several domains since the prospect of something new and exciting, in that honeymoon phase, can be more alluring than what you have. The more you mentally put down your partner, the likelihood increases that you can cross a line into infidelity.

4. You Flirt With Your Crush

Flirting may constitute a safe and typically indirect way to signal attraction and engage with an attractive other.² However, if done to build a connection and lower the inhibitions of the other, it can be dangerous as it crosses the line. Flirting can be fun and carefree and it can be a way to show your interest and intentions.

5. Pursuing a Relationship With Your Crush

Obviously, if you are in a relationship and pursuing one with your crush then you have crossed a line. Deciding to leave a relationship on realizing it is not for you is certainly appropriate. You have crossed a line only when you have laid the ground to pursue a relationship while at the same time remaining in your current situation without any movement to leave.

What To Do If You or Your Partner Has a Crush On Someone Else

Discovering you or your partner has one can be a difficult and confusing situation. There are several options you can choose to help rectify the situation. It’s important to know that you have options at your disposal.

What to Do if You Have a Crush

Figuring out how to proceed when you acknowledge you have a crush is personal. There are no right or wrong options, only ones that best serve your needs. Some helpful suggestions include the following: communicate with your partner about your feelings and how this issue can be resolved, consider the consequences before acting on your crush or telling your partner about it, reflect on your feelings, and seek support from a trusted friend/family member or therapist.

Some things to ask yourself if you have a crush while in a relationship include:

• What is it I like about this person enough to have a crush on them
• How would my partner react if I was to tell them?
• What do I want to do about my crush?
• Do I want to sacrifice what I have for something that could not be real?
• Are these feelings or is this simply an infatuation?
• Does thinking about my crush bring me joy and excitement, or does it make me feel guilty and conflicted?

What to Do If Your Partner Has a Crush

Your partner having a crush is a different level of difficulty than if you had the crush. Feelings of jealousy, sadness, and disappointment are normal. Much the same way you having a crush is likely to not mean anything, the same is true for your partner. Listening to your partner and having an open line of dialogue is key to help process painful hurt and understand their position.

If your partner has a crush on someone else, some things you can do include:

• Set clear boundaries between you and your partner: Setting boundaries can help by establishing what is and isn’t allowed
• Don’t be afraid to bring it up with your partner: Communication in a relationship is important! Speaking of the matter will not let it remain hidden and you might experience relief
• Consider leaving the relationship: It might be best to end your current relationship if you feel that this is a dealbreaker and not something with which you can contend
• Seek support from others: It can be easy to lose perspective when you’re left alone with your own thoughts. Speaking to others can provide clarity
• Make a decision: It may seem straightforward, but you will need to make a decision if you plan to stay and find that this is something you are good with or you decide to leave

When to Consider Couples Counseling

There are many different reasons why someone may consider couples counseling. It is not a sign that you are on the verge of breaking up and you can enter it at any stage of your relationship. Couples counseling can help with issues where both partners find them stuck. They may struggle with communication, there may be conflict, there may be major life transitions, you might feel disconnected, or there might be issues of infidelity.

Couples counseling can be beneficial for a couple in any stage of their relationship. Finding a couples therapist may seem overwhelming. Word of mouth from a trusted friend or an online directory are great places to begin.

Some therapeutic methods that help address problems in a relationship include:

• Couples counseling: A therapeutic modality where the couple can work with in person or online marriage counselors to learn to communicate about their needs and emotions. The focus of couples counseling is to get the couple to understand one another and learn to work through difficult experiences.
• Individual therapy: A therapeutic practice where an individual learns to understand themselves better and explores necessary changes. This type of treatment helps a person make more thoughtful choices and learn new types of behaviors. Use an online therapist directory to find a qualified therapist.
• Online therapy options: Online therapy, also known as teletherapy or virtual therapy, can be a convenient and effective way to receive mental health treatment. Online therapy options can be especially useful for people who live in rural areas, have disabilities that make it difficult to leave their homes, or have busy schedules that make it hard to find time for in-person appointments. Online therapy is an accessible option for couples with children and cannot attend in-person sessions.

Final Thoughts

It is completely normal to have a crush on someone other than your romantic partner. It’s natural to find other people attractive, even if you are happy in your current relationship. However, it’s important to be honest with your partner about your feelings and to maintain boundaries in your relationship.  Having a crush may or may not affect your relationship, depending on how you choose to act on those feelings. Having a crush does not necessarily mean that you want to act on those feelings or end your current relationship. It’s okay to have feelings for other people, as long as you are honest with your partner and maintain the commitment and trust in your relationship.