Setting healthy co-parenting boundaries means establishing a mutual agreement on major aspects of shared parenting such as routines, rules, and discipline. While making these is important, following through and staying consistent with them is just as essential. Boundaries are designed to make transitioning easier on children, model respect, and foster the relationship between parents and their child.
Benefits of Setting Healthy Co-Parenting Boundaries
Parenting is a big responsibility. When you and your child’s other parent split up, learning how to be an effective parent on your own can seem impossible. Not only is this a challenge in itself, figuring out how to co-parent with your ex can be even more difficult.
However, working together to develop a comprehensive co-parenting agreement can help you both reap the benefits of an enhanced relationship with your child. Throughout this process, it’s important for parents to prioritize their children’s needs to help minimize any of the negative effects of divorce on children.
Success of a co-parenting arrangement hinges on the ability of parents to exhibit mutual respect with one another. Children “learn what they live,” and if they witness both parents collaborating in healthy ways, even while living apart, this can have a lasting influence on their ability to manage their own relationships. You are also helping your child learn how to set healthy boundaries themselves, as well.
Benefits of setting healthy co-parenting boundaries include:
- Improved communication: When you set the ground rules for where you and your ex-partner stand on certain issues, it becomes easier to discuss and negotiate other challenges as they arise.
- Less conflict: Improved communication helps decrease conflict, as clarity shines light on what each of you is okay with.
- Less room for misunderstandings: If you let your ex-partner know what you will and won’t tolerate, there are fewer incidents of unintended overreaches or underperformance.
- Decreased stress: With clear boundaries in place, there is less to worry about regarding another’s behavior or choices. You don’t have to stress out about whether or not your ex knows what you expect from them.
- Greater self-respect: By stating what you need or where you draw the line, you gain a sense of self-worth and increase respect for yourself.
- Less anger towards others: As you set your own boundaries, you recognize that everyone deserves to create boundaries, which helps decrease anger toward others for enforcing their own.
- Increased sense of control: When you stop feeling the need to “be all and do all” for others, you gain a sense of control over your own life. You give yourself permission to say “no” to others with compassion.
10 Healthy Co-Parenting Boundaries to Try
Even when the romantic relationship has ended, an enduring co-parenting relationship can greatly enhance your child’s life. By working with your ex-partner to understand what is in your child’s best interest, you can create a co-parenting plan that allows both of you to “stay in your lane” while raising your child.
When there are issues of trauma, mental illness, or abuse, parenting after a break-up may look very different. It’s important that all aspects of a parental agreement be written down and filed with your legal representative. In some cases, depending on the circumstances of the split, a mediator may be needed throughout the process.
Here are 10 healthy co-parenting boundaries to try:
1. Stay Consistent
Consistency is essential when setting co-parenting boundaries. Children thrive when arrangements are constant and predictable. Be consistent in scheduling visits, determining drop-off and pick-up duties, setting bedtimes, and establishing discipline across parents’ homes. Children need to feel safe and secure after their parents split up, and being on the same page with your ex is one way to ensure that they do.
2. Use Effective & Neutral Communication
Children are quick to blame themselves for parental separation or conflict. Be sure to only talk to and about your ex with respect, and also avoid arguing in front of your child. Maintaining a calm and collected demeanor helps maintain your child’s emotional well-being.
If your ex tries to start a fight or upset your equilibrium, remind yourself that if you respond in an unkind manner, you’re giving them exactly what they want–and depriving your child of what they need. Count to ten or take a few deep breaths before reacting. Later, you can journal about your feelings.
3. Determine a Parenting Style
Work with your ex-partner to determine a mutually manageable parenting style to use between houses. Parents may be living separate lives after a break-up, but they should still present as a united front to their child. This consistency in expectations and discipline is less confusing for a child, and supports their ability to respect the rules in both homes. There are a variety of parenting styles that put the best interests of the child first including gentle parenting and authoritative parenting.
4. Don’t Speak Poorly of Your Ex
When parents badmouth one another in front of their child, this can confuse and upset the child. Children may feel that they are “bad,” too, because they identify with their parents. It upsets a child when someone threatens their family. When it’s a parent who is denigrating their other parent, the child experiences trauma as they try to make sense of the disturbing situation.
5. Don’t Negatively Compare Your Child to Your Ex
Children like knowing that they are similar to their parents, so it’s okay to compare them positively to your ex. Being told that they “like math just like their mother does” can leave your child feeling proud and pleased. However, being told they are “rude just like their mother” can be disappointing, hurtful, and confusing. When a child is made to feel that being like a parent is bad, it harms the child’s self-esteem.
6. Never Ask Your Child to Choose Between You & Your Ex
When children are given too many choices, they can feel overwhelmed and may be unable to handle the situation. Asking them to choose which parent they want at a school event, an extra-curricular activity, or special occasion where only one guest can be present may inflict emotional distress. Make sure you and your ex have clear guidelines about who takes what event when.
7. Don’t Discuss New Relationships
The most important relationship that either you or your ex have should be your relationship with your child. That’s the only relationship the two of you need to discuss with one another or address. So long as both you and your ex are taking care of the parenting responsibilities in a healthy way and one that honors your parenting arrangement, then no other relationships need to be discussed.
8. Schedule Discussions About Your Child
It may feel different to not have your ex-partner around to chat about your child’s development, daily routine, or behavior. Because of this, it’s important that you default to scheduled discussions. Also, by not always picking up the phone when your ex calls, you’ll be able to build up your own sense of parenting esteem. Take notes during your time with your child about questions or concerns you have, so you can bring these up at scheduled discussion times.
9. Keep Your Private Life Private
Remind yourself that you only have to share information about your co-parenting responsibilities and child with your ex. Sharing too much or continuing the pre-divorce relationship can create stress and confusion for your child. Focus all engagement with your ex on your child’s welfare and needs, not your “stuff.”
10. Keep Your Child’s Social Life as Similar as Possible
After separating, couples’ friendship circles can shatter and each parent comes out with fewer friends than before. Parents should protect their children from this type of loss as best they can. Prioritizing a child’s social connections and activities–even if the parent of your child’s friend chose your ex over you–can provide much needed stability to your child. Don’t punish a child or limit their friendships and extracurricular activities out of spite to your ex or a former friend.
What Not to Do After Setting Co-Parenting Boundaries
Creating a set of clear and consistent guidelines for sharing the parenting of your child is one of the best decisions you can make. Not only are you making your child’s best interests top priority, you’re also making your own life much easier. Once you have your boundaries set in place, don’t break them unless there is a legitimate emergency or the boundary just isn’t working.
Below are behaviors to avoid after setting co-parenting boundaries:
- Fish for information from your child: Don’t ask your child to be a spy or a snitch on their other parent. This puts kids in a distressing role.
- Revise resolved problems: Just like “kitchen sink arguers,” digging up and bringing up old grievances serves no useful purpose. Once you and your ex have agreed on a solution, just accept it’s a done-deal, and keep moving forward.
- Try to squeeze your ex out of your child’s life: Once you’ve created a mutually agreeable parenting plan, don’t try and shift it in your favor. Allow your ex to have as much access to your child’s world as the agreement provides.
- Overwhelm your ex with constant contact: Respect your child and your ex–don’t try to micromanage or hover over their time together. Hold discussions until your scheduled communication time.
- Refuse to be flexible in emergencies: As much as any parent would like to be able to predict things, life isn’t like that. Be flexible when necessary to ensure your child’s welfare is protected.
When Therapy Can Help
Parenting is never an easy job. When you are trying to go it alone, developing a co-parenting arrangement with your ex is advisable. However, sometimes single-parenting can present challenges and circumstances that you feel unable to tackle on your own. This may be a motivating factor to seek individual counseling as you make sense of your new identity.
If you and your ex are having disagreements and conflict in your efforts to co-parenting, it can be beneficial to speak with a family therapist, if advised. There are significant benefits to seeking out divorce counseling or co-parenting counseling if you and your ex are on different pages about parenting practices.
When scheduling a face-to-face appointment seems impossible, you might want to consider online therapy options. Both you and your partner can meet with the therapist from your own homes and still participate in shared sessions. For information on available options, consider searching an online therapist directory of qualified professionals.
In My Experience
As a counselor who has worked with families going through divorce, it is my professional opinion that when parents are willing to prioritize their child’s needs, everyone wins. It is essential that parents tune in to what children need most at any given age and do what they can to meet these needs. Co-parenting agreements ensure that the adults are on the same page and are providing their children with the healthiest environment possible. By modeling respect for your child, as well as the child’s other parent, you’re making an excellent investment in your child’s well-being. Co-parenting doesn’t end when a child turns 18, so do what you can early on to make the future as anxiety-free and stressless as possible.
Healthy Co-Parenting Boundaries Infographics
